What to do next?

[wolph]

Hi all,

English is not my native language so please don’t attack minor mistakes in my grammar.

I’m having big problems with dealing with this break up. I’ve had a relationship with this girl for 4 years and 10 months. We had big plans for our 5 year anniversary (a mini vacation). I’m 24 years old and she is 21 years old. So almost 5 years of relationship, which is quite some time. We talked every morning and always send each other a message before going to bed for the full duration of the relationship. We mostly saw each other in the weekends but were speaking a lot every day.

How we broke up
On the 11th of April my GF told me via WhatsApp she needed to talk with me. The whole week before this I was feeling that there was something up, but she kept saying all was good. Until now…

I didn’t see this talk coming and panicked immediately. The way she asked for the talk was way different than other times so I asked if she wanted to break up with me. “I won’t tell” she said. So I went to her home for the talk. She told me she wasn’t happy anymore. She basically said to me, we can go on a break or I break up the whole relationship. I was not a fan (because I don’t believe anything good can come from it) of a temporary break. We got in to a huge argument/fight. It was a really stupid fight to be honest. We couldn’t agree and were not communicating at a good level AT ALL. We both got angry and I left, saw her looking from the window as I left in my car. It really hurt me to drive away like that but to be honest I was to proud too cave in. I was crying though, I really panicked very hard and was not happy.

When I got home I send her a message on WhatsApp. We restarted the conversation, which started a bit cold but at least we were not in a fight. I caved in and said I wanted to give the break a try, because I had no other choice (loosing her was no option for me, I still love this girl very very much).

She wanted to have a break of two weeks, no contact. She wanted to see how’d she feel without me. She ended the conversation with “the love for you is not gone”, “I hope we fix this” and answered my question if the break was really a break with “Yes, I want to try again after the break”.

This gave me the idea she still loved me a lot and just wasn’t happy. It gave me a lot of hope that things would turn out OK again.

Here, I started making mistakes. I got needy and panicked almost every day. I wrote a letter for her about what I felt and were I thought things went wrong. I posted this to her via mail. When I didn’t get any response, I messaged her two times (on two days). She ignored both. At the end of the first week I messaged her again asking if we could have a chat because the break was very hard on me. She responded and said I could come the day after to have a chat about the break. This was one week after the start of the break, a week before it would initially have stopped.

I wrote a (huge) letter which I wanted to read to her and brought flowers. Sadly, when she opened the door she was ICE COLD. She started the conversation immediately with that she wanted to break up. She didn’t let me read her the letter and said I could just leave it for her to read some day. There was nothing to talk about and she had already removed the many pictures and other stuff of us from her room. She had a bag with all the stuff I gave her, which she wanted me to take back. She wanted to throw away a big painting of us (which we both loved so much) but I asked her to please not do that. I tried to reason with her but she made her choices. She asked me to go and I haven’t seen her since.

After the break up I contacted her (very needy and full of questions like “WHY”) and she just ignored me. She responded two times with please stop messaging. So I did. Eventually.

Applying NC
I started No Contact and hoped this would help me get her back. I started posting way more on Instagram, stuff I normally would send or tell her about and also had some posts about me improving myself. I also kept checking her Instagram account during NC. I didn’t really have many good friends and the only family (apart from my parents and brother) I had was hers (which was also taken away by the break up). I was very lonely but kept fighting.

During NC I got a new apartment and I could finally move away from my parents. This was one of the problems in the relationship with me and my GF, as I was looking for a place for about a year but hadn’t found anything because I had too high standards. At the start of 2020 she would come back from her university to her home town (were I also live) and we always said she would then move in with me. But, when she came back, I didn’t have an apartment yet. So she had to move in with her mother. We never had a fight about this so I never thought much of it.

Finally getting an apartment gave me some light in the dark tunnel. I posted a few pictures of the empty apartment on my Instagram story. To be honest with you, I only did this to show my ex how much good things were happening in my life. Nothing was a lie, all positive posts were honest and real. But she’d know because I never was a social media person.

NC was ending on the day before I would be moving. I was confident she would be impressed with all the changes I made and the new apartment genuinely made me positive.

Elephant in the room
I send her the elephant in the room message via WhatsApp on May 12th. It included all the needed information but maybe was a bit longer then it should’ve been. It included that good things had happened to me and I apologized for my behaviour after the break up. At the end of the message I asked if she wanted to continue contact.

She responded within half an hour and told me that she was happy to hear things were going better with me. She was very busy with school at the moment. She told me that when she was less busy “we would surely have contact via WhatsApp again”. At the time I found this to be a positive response.

I gave her some time and space. 17 days to be exact. It got longer than I wanted (max 14 days) because I feared to contact her and was afraid of a negative response. I thought she would have contacted me by now and I foolishly waited for this to happen.

Her response to the first few messages after the elephant in the room text were equally long as my texts. They were somewhere between neutral and positive. Although I had the feeling she had her guard up. She took a long time to respond, even though she was online.

I waited two days and messaged her again. This time she was slightly less talkative. We talked about her school and the exams she had coming. She still ignored me for a while before she texted back.

Again, two days later I messaged her again. This message was a picture of something I found in the car that we had good memories of. She responded very quickly and it made her laugh. I tried to continue the chat but she turned cold. She took a lot of time to answer so I stopped sending her messages.

I waited a day and texted her again. Her response was still cold and she took a lot of time to respond while being online talking to others.

Today I messaged her again but this time she doesn’t respond. She hasn’t even read it (no blue check mark). I sent it at 15:00, it’s now 23:57… She is almost constantly online and even posting stuff on Instagram.

I guess she doesn’t want to talk te me right now… What do I do? I really love this girl. I thought we started connection again. What did I do wrong? Do I need to stop contacting her? I haven’t had the chance yet to tell her about the new good things in my life! All we had was small talk… Has she lost interest in me talking to her? I didn’t know at this stage of reconnection how to slide in how much I approved without looking manipulative.

Now I’m back looking at her social media and stuff to check what she is doing, only to try to find answers why she doesn’t answer me. I haven’t shown her that she has me worried (and will not show it) but this isn’t helping me. I had a shitty day because of this.

Please help me!

PS: Writing this down in English was actually a nice thing to do. It gave me a little bit of peace at mind.

[patricia12]

@wolph She wanted you to move to your own apartment which is usually what a 24 year old guy would do to become more independent.. But did she give you any other exact reasons why she was unhappy with you??

You wrote that on April 11th:”She wanted to have a break of two weeks, no contact”. My gosh, you should have honored her request and not contacted her for 2 weeks, but instead, you sent a letter and messaged her twice. Then messaged her again for the third time asking to chat and went to her place. She was upset and had packed up the things you gave her and asked you to leave. WOW, you completely ignored her request for no contact! Even posting things on Instagram was dishonoring her request. You should have stayed off the site!

You’re very lucky to have family, but looking for an apartment for a year and not finding a suitable one is ridiculous and almost unbelievable. What was she to think when she came back from university the start of 2020 hoping to move in with you and you still didn’t have your own apartment? Most girls would think you weren’t serious about the relationship.

May 12th you wrote the elephant in the room letter on WhatsApp and asked if she wanted to continue contact. She replied she was pleased to hear things were going better for you, but she was busy with school and when she was less busy there could be more contact. 17 days later, without knowing if she was still busy and studying for exams, you became impatient and started messaging her again many times..

It seems you’ve become desperate/needy and have overwhelmed/bombarded her with messages. She needs to study for exams and that takes time and concentration. Although she probably goes to social media to communicate briefly with friends, she’s probably concerned that YOU will try to monopolize all her time as you have done in the past.

I suggest you don’t stalk her social media and don’t post so much about yourself. It’s obvious to me that she doesn’t want to initiate talking with you right now. You need to stop sending messages! Give her much more time to study. When she is less busy, she might contact you, but you need to be more patient!!

PS: When are her exams?

[wolph]

@patricia12
Thank you for your message!

She gave me no reason why she was unhappy. Asking her why normally got an answer like “because”. This was never something she was good at, this was no exception. She did tell me that I always postponed doing things together. This was true, the weeks before the breakup we were in a huge routine doing the same things weekly. I had a lot of problems doing new things, even more since I started my 40 hour/week job. The search for an apartment and my job on the side gave me more worries then ever. I’m pretty sure the stress made me depressed en damaged my confidence.

After our vacation in August 2019 however, I too saw this problem and I wanted this to change. The summer of 2020 was were I wanted to start doing more fun things. However, she said I said the same thing previous year and nothing changed. She was right, but this time I really got what she meant. I know I’m to late but this is exactly what I am trying to improve in myself right now.

Did I really message her to much after the elephant in the room text? Her first message was positive, so I thought I had green light. I never send two messages after each other and always waited for a response first. I didn’t text daily.

She had one exam previous Thursday, the next and last one is on the 17th of June. Of course she is busy but she really is constantly online, many times till about 2 o’clock at night. She is also posting a lot on social media about being with friends and stuff. I don’t have the idea that she really is busy and thought she used it as an excuse.

I know the answer too this but I’m very afraid she is searching for another guy. Immediately after she broke up she changed her status on Facebook to single while it was hidden before. I also see a lot of dudes liking her pictures on Instagram, as before there were only a few. She being online constantly gives me the idea she found someone new. I shouldn’t be busy with this, but sadly I am. I really love this girl. I know there is more out there, but I know this could’ve worked out if only we communicated better.

Hell, I’m not perfect.

I always thought my communication was good, but looking back at some text conversations I really was shocked to see how stupid I could be. This really was an eye opener and I want this to change. I bought the non violent communications book which already gave me lots of positive insights.

[patricia12]

@wolph You wrote:”I had a lot of problems doing new things, even more since I started my 40 hour/week job”. Lots of people work 40 hour per week and still find time to do various fun things and look for an apartment, so your excuse isn’t valid.

In your 1st post, you say you talked every morning and always sent each other a message before going to bed for the full duration of the relationship and added that you were speaking a lot daily. This is extreme! I think you must know that routine can become monotonous..

You wrote:”Did I really message her to much after the elephant in the room text? Her first message was positive, so I thought I had green light”. YES, you messaged her way too many times after the elephant in the room text!!! I don’t know why you would you think you had a green light after she told you she was busy with school and studying for exams. If she’s on social media conversing with several friends, that’s one thing, but you have a tendency to try to monopolize her time and bombard her with messages and I don’t know why you can’t understand that.. Therefore, I can understand why she’s avoiding you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the way I see it.

And now you’re showing a tendency to be jealous and becoming obsessed with the thought she might be looking for someone else when you have no idea if she is or not! And if you showed this tendency during the relationship, that could be another reason she wanted a break and wants to avoid you.. It won’t help you to stalk her social media, so stop doing it!

I’m glad you’re trying to make improvements and I hope the communication book will help you:) Good luck

[wolph]

@patricia12

Thanks again for your message/response! Also, thanks for being hard and honest to me. This makes it much easier to realize what mistakes I am making.

I thought I had a green light because she responded relatively positive (apart from the time she took to respond). Also, then I didn’t knew when she would have her exams. When I messaged her after 17 days I really thought they were done already.

Today she replied to the message I sent her earlier. When she responded, I was at IKEA and wasn’t really able to text. So I answered the text and added the following part: “I’m at IKEA right now, we’ll be texting again soon!”.

She then didn’t read the text until about 22:00 o’clock (10 PM if I’m correct).

I am now forcing myself to stop looking at her Instagram.

What can I do best with Instagram? I will keep self help posts to a minimum or just not post at all. I don’t want to suddenly stop posting things in my story. She is my ex and it feels wrong that I wouldn’t use my social media because of her. I’d like to keep posting good things in my life, as they are honest and not aimed at her but at all the people who follow me. They also make me feel good. What do you think?

When should I text her again or should I now just wait for her to text me? Should I make her clear I want to give her more space?

[patricia12]

@wolph In your first post you wrote:”..I never was a social media person”. Don’t post at all! Surely you can refrain because the people who are close to you (family) surely know what’s happening in your life etc.. I think we both know that you mainly post things hoping she will see them. And you don’t need to post stuff to feel good. Feeling good about yourself and what you’ve accomplished comes from within, not what others think of you!

It doesn’t matter at one point if you didn’t know she was studying for exams, she said she was busy with school and that was a clue for you to stop messaging.

I think you should wait for her to initiate a text for however long it takes and be patient. You don’t have to make it clear you’re giving her more space, just do it!!

I suggest you don’t count and agonize over the minutes/hours/days it takes someone to respond to messages/texts. People get busy and/or have their own reasons for not responding, ya know? And don’t decide a message is ‘cold’ just because it’s short, it’s the written content that matters most.

I understand you’re very sad, but she did give you a hint that she might be open to reconciliation when she said in April;“the love for you is not gone”, “I hope we fix this”. She also said she wanted to see how’d she feel without you. You didn’t give her the space she requested and then started messaging too much after the elephant letter. Even though she specified a 2 week break, it seems to me she actually needs more time to think things through and consider whether or not she wants to get back with you.

I wish you the best and continue your efforts on self improvements:)

[wolph]

@patricia12

She also said she was wrong about still loving me when she broke up. She did break up with me and we’re not in the position we were when she said that there was still love. It has been 1.5 months already.

I understand were you are going though. I will give her space and time. I only hope she doesn’t think I stopped caring and moved on because I stopped texting and posting on Instagram.

[patricia12]

@wolph Let her think whatever she wants.. at this point, it doesn’t much matter! If she misses you, she will contact you, but you don’t have to wait around for her. So consider dating others after you grieve and feel better.

[wolph]

@patricia12
I’m having a hard time with your advice. Basically, you’re saying I need to go in indefinite no contact (including my social media). Only when she texts me I should respond.

I’m coming to Ex Back Permanently to get her back and I’m really not seeing how just moving on is going to help me with that. I want to know how I can show her that I’m serious about fixing the flaws we had, without being needy.

[patricia12]

@wolph “She was very busy with school at the moment. She told me that when she was less busy “we would surely have contact via WhatsApp again”. So yes, I was suggesting you don’t contact her until she initiates contact because you’ve already contacted her many times.

But if you think it’s best to contact her again, contact her and let her know you’re very serious about fixing the flaws and the positive changes you’ve made. Also ask if she’s willing to reconcile by talking through the problems and what you can do together to fix them.. Good luck

[wolph]

@patricia12
Hello again, it’s been some time since my last post.

I’ve taken some distance from her since the last post. She stopped responding completely to my messages. I only messaged her twice. First time was a day or two after my post. She didn’t respond to this.

Second time was when I saw on her Instagram she passed her thesis. I was very happy for her and didn’t even think about the whole situation between us. It was a honest congratulations. I promise that there was no hidden goal in his message. She only liked my reaction, didn’t respond.

Now I haven’t seen anything of her for a week. I haven’t looked at a single post of her on Instagram and stopped looking at her social media completely. I still post on my own social media as I’m making more friends and really starting to like using social media. She watches every story I post, a lot of the time being te first to see it.

I’ve started therapy and had two sessions. I’m in therapy to improve myself but also to cope with the situation of the breakup. They basically say, don’t chase her and work on yourself. Better things will come.

I guess that’s right but after more than two months I still really would like to reconcile. I feel I’ve fixed important problems I had which were in the way of our relationship.

Yesterday was her birthday and I followed the advice of my psychologist to not send her a happy birthday message. This was very hard for me, as it feels as if I’m the bad guy now. While realistically, she broke up with me and things are not the same as they were. I’m giving her space but am afraid she thinks I don’t care about her anymore.

I’m really not sure if I should stay in No Contact now or if I should tell her I want things to be fixed between us. It has been more than two months since we broke up. She hasn’t contacted me and to be honest I don’t think she ever will.

Her school is done, she has vacation now (for a week). I give her time but shouldn’t wait on her. Although, I really hope she contacts me soon, as she said earlier.

[wolph]

I meant she has vacation since a week. (Can’t edit the previous post somehow)

[patricia12]

@wolph I’m glad you stopped stalking her social media and I understand it would be a temptation, but it won’t help you.. I’m also glad to hear you’ve started therapy. I agree with the advice to stop chasing her!! You sent the elephant in the room message and you contacted her many times the past 2 months. By doing that, I’m sure she knows you want reconciliation, but you really haven’t given her enough space. I suggest you continue strict no contact for another month and then let her know about your therapy and ask if she wants to try reconciliation. In the meantime, follow the therapy recommendations and don’t obsess about her or contact her. Focus on yourself!

[wolph]

@patricia12
Do you have any advice how to ask if she wants to try reconciliation? By then it would almost be 3 months after breakup.

[patricia12]

@wolph You wrote on June 8th: “Today I messaged her again but this time she doesn’t respond”. After that you messaged her again to congratulate her on passing her thesis. She broke up with you April 11th, so for 2 months, you really did NOT give her the space she wanted. Therefore you showed her how needy you are by chasing her for 2 months..

Is she going away for school in the fall or is she going to stay home and maybe find a job?

You said she didn’t give you specific reasons for the breakup, but you must have some ideas as to why she did.. improve in those areas

Continue no contact until early July, then let her know about therapy and your improvements & ask if she is willing to consider or try reconciliation.

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