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trust me you are not terrible.
I’ve been on a few dates and it’s same with me. can’t get her out my head. but your experience has helped and today I been dying to call my ex but haven’t done because of what you said. thanksGuys! I really hate playing games when it comes to this stuff, but by what you wrote, these exes of yours seem to like them. And if that’s the case, you need to play better than they do to win this.
gazs, I’m sorry if this comes off a bit harsh (so please do forgive me) but the reason why you can’t stop thinking about her, it seems, isn’t necessarily because you love her, but because she keeps you on your toes. All the ambiguity she sends off and her insistence in breaking your NC period to simply chit chat, even though you already told her it’s important to you to get yourself together, shows that she *needs* to be in control of this relationship, being it friendly or romantic.
The fact that you told her you were hurting and that you expected an answer gave her back the power she thought she lost, even if briefly. And her giving you the “we’ll see, sorry” answer really shows that, in my opinion. From what you described, I’m convinced she’s a power player and only felt things improved in the relationship when that power shifted (during the NC period) and she lost her footing. Some people are attracted to that kind of thing. Of not being overly secure. It’s what attracts them, makes them chase after. Unconsciously, you are obviously attracted to it either because you made yourself vulnerable to her and invested your feelings on someone who keeps pushing and pulling and stringing you along.
So, I can’t believe I’m about to say this (because I’m a hopeless romantic and believe in true love blah blah blah), but in this particular case: let her grovel for a bit, if she really wants you in her life. She’s put you through a lot and she doesn’t seem too upset over it, so the only way I can see a girl like that become truly invested in a loving guy like you is if you turn the tables on her and make her insecure instead. It’s basic psychology, really. The next time she contacts you, it is YOU who is unsure of your feelings and you’d have to really think whether you’d like her as a partner. And for that you need more time. Let her steam and NEVER answer any of her texts after that. And then, some times later, contact her casually and avoid relationship topics, even if she brings them up. She’ll be really curious and more invested, thinking about you and why you have changed so much. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to be flirty again. (This sounds really horrible, I know!!) Good luck!
That’s really good advice Teresaa. I do very much agree with what you are saying here and I see that evident first hand in Gazs and my situation.
I don’t think I waited long enough into the No Contact to reach out. I thought 33 days was enough for my situation because there wasn’t a lot of damage done. Basically we left it at “we’ll talk soon”. I told her “I’m not going down easy, I will fight for you” and she smiled and said “Okay.”
That being said looking back on my letter, it was fun, lively, struck good memories. Some texts were better than others when I reached out to her, and some didn’t get a response. Regardless, in the end I think I didn’t wait long enough during NC (should have gone 45 days clean), and number 2 I didn’t act quick enough after having good communication to set up a face-to-face. I waited some time between good communication, to letting it fade, then asking for a face-to-face because I was busy, and she was busy. Somewhere during this time she started dating other people, and I think now she’s found 1 guy (the second guy she went out with) who has her attention. She doesn’t “date around”, it’s one and if he doesn’t pass it’s the next. Nonetheless, she still has her issues. She’ll never be truly happy.
You do have to turn the tables though. I feel better since I did that. 12 days ago I removed her and her family and friends from facebook and I told her politely to never speak to me again. I still expect one day she will have a break down and call, but I’m not waiting by the phone anymore.
I still think of her every day, and it is still very tough wrapping my head around this whole thing. I can’t believe it’s been so long since it happened July 5. The pain is still there and it feels like yesterday. But she can no longer see my every move. I’m hoping when I do run into her I’m looking my best, with a gorgeous intelligent girl at my side.
that was hard to read wondering. I really feel for you bro. sounds like we fell for a similar type of girl as Teresaa mentioned
I want to say thanks Teresaa your reply was interesting to say the least. It makes complete sense and I best take your advice. you are correct about her being in power and control as that is how she acted in the relationship too. so that is spot on and I should try follow your helpful advice and see how it goes. thanks again.
Thanks, guys! I have to say I’m at a point in my life where I’m very disillusioned about relationships. If you guys have time to check out my ridiculous thread (about being blocked on FB), I’d appreciate any male input into my situation.
Reading your posts and others on this site and watching other relationships unfold around me I notice these patterns and they are really killing the romantic illusions I grew up with. I was always determined to refuse to play mind games, even though I rationally understand exactly how and why they work. Deep down, and being a hopeless romantic, I guess I still expect one day I’ll meet a guy who really loves me for me, not someone who I trick into loving me because I said and did the right things at the right time. Because in the end, I’d always have that nagging doubt: is that real love or is it just a result of a long con in which I pulled all the right strings?
My sad story is no better than yours. The last few guys I dated all seem to be intelligent, but emotionally unavailable and I keep falling into the same old traps because I always choose to ignore the facts. And since I refuse to play games on principle, it’s all over pretty soon. I guess I have a type too, huh?
Anyway, I hope that my post helped you guys in some way… but to be honest, I wish for once that all these stupid mind tricks and games would end up being useless and that in the meantime you find other people who are wired differently and treat you as you deserve to be treated. 🙂
When you say emotionally unavailable what does that mean?
I’m really intrigued by the female psyche now that I am dating again.
I think I am a wonderful catch so it shocks me that a few dates have just been like, um, no thanks we are friends.I do feel bad sometimes dating right now because I’m not in it 100% (but I think it’s only because I haven’t met THEE girl) but they say the only way to truly get over someone is by replacing them lol.
I mean it’s been 3 1/2 months–so it’s time to move on right?
By emotionally unavailable guys I mean guys who can’t have a proper relationship for some reason. For example, my last ex has a limited time in my country (he’s a foreign student), so we knew we were doomed from the start. Plenty of other emotionally unavailable people can be found in this board: we’re all still hung up on our exes, so it is unlikely that the next person we date will receive our full attention.
And yes, I do think it’s great that you’re starting to think it is best to just move on. I wish you and your future dates the best of luck! I hope you find who you’re looking for! 🙂
Hey guys. so today it’s been 2 weeks since the weekend where she was texting like normal. still finding it hard to get over her. I was thinking of initiating convo as have not got anything from her. do you think this is a good idea?
thanks for the help.
we started talking again about a week ago. and then mid week i asked her if she wanted to go to a concert and jus have a general meet up.
we are in a long distance relationship. so i booked her tickets to come see me. at one point over a meal she randomly started crying and said why couldnt she have had a future with me. I played it cool and didnt pursue any deep conversation regarding our relationship as I wanted her to see the positive changes in my life. All i told her is that we can still have a future.
after this we went to the concert and then returend to the hotel. we made out and had sex which afterwards she said wasnt sensible.
she set back off home the following morning and messaged me saying she feels crap and after meeting me its made her confused and feel rubbish.
i am getting mixed messages and its started to confuse me. as I thought that her staying over with me would make her want me back. we since havent discussed out relationship but have spoken everyday. we plan to maybe meet up again towards teh end of the month.
I was wondering have I played this right? or is there anything i shoulod or shouldnt do at this stage. As it is so close with us two being back together again but I dont want to spoil my chances by making an amature mistake. Please feel free to submit your thought. Thanks again guys I appreciate all the help. x
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