-
Posts
-
My ex and I dated for 2 years. Everything was fantastic. We had minor disagreements but resolved them pretty calmly – I can count our “fights” on one hand. We met each others’ families early on and all got along. We traveled together semi-frequently – alone and with friends. And it was smooth sailing.
We talked about marriage for 6+ months. Talked about dates, toured a venue. Then… suddenly one day he said he’s been having doubts, doesn’t know if he loves me enough to marry me. Doesn’t know what he wants with his life.
I told him I couldn’t convince him to love me, no matter how much I loved him. And I needed someone who was all in and would choose me. So he initiated the breakup, but I didn’t (really) fight it. I did say if he sorted out his life in the future to let me know. And that I hoped he could find someone he felt 100% about.
I’ve been in no contact for 23 days now. (I did send a thank you letter to his parents, just saying thanks for their generosity and including me in the family, not mentioning the breakup. His mom DID embroider a family stocking with my name this Christmas.) Still heartbroken, but no longer devastated. Started talking to some men on Bumble, but no in-person dates yet. I go through stages of feeling fine without him, then feeling extremely sad and still hoping this was an extreme case of cold feet. I’ve been talking to my therapist more, working on self-care, and going out with my friends as much as they have time for. I’m working on my hobbies just as much + more than when we were together to stay busy.
I’m also leaving the country for 5 weeks for a pseudo-work trip. That starts in 2 weeks. Which he knows about, as it was planned before the breakup. His plans to visit me fell through, obviously, when we broke up last month.
Tonight, I’m seeing one of his favorite musicals for the first time. I’ve had the ticket for months – it would be a good ice-breaker if I sent a text about it after day 30.
My head keeps telling me to just believe him that he doesn’t love me and let it go. My heart, every 3 or 4 days, keeps telling me that if he didn’t love me we wouldn’t have had such an amazing 2 years. We’re both 27 with stable incomes, so the marriage conversation seemed reasonable for our ages/stages in life. I thought we were equal partners in the relationship. He also told me he wanted to marry me.
I just… I know, logically, that I’ll be okay without him. But I’ve always *known* that. I’ve always been a very independent person. He has always been the pursuer/one who needed more contact. But this man is the first one I’ve never had any doubts about, my first “real” love, so I still *want* him.
Basically, I’m trying to work out if I should just let him go. My brain is telling me to. My heart isn’t quite ready. Maybe I should wait until I’m back in the country in June to contact him (around 70+ days of NC). Or drop a text, “this thing made me think of you, it was great, hope you’re still pursuing your theater ambitions,” right before I leave the country and go back into no contact if he doesn’t respond. I don’t know if I need to reach out one more time to really feel like I did all I could (to get rid of that “what if”) or if that would make things worse. I miss my best friend and our inside jokes – which I know that longing will fade with time. But this sucks! ugh.
This is a very sad situation! But he said he’s having doubts and doesn’t know if he loves you enough to marry you. NO, don’t contact him until after you return from the trip in June. This will give him more time to reconsider.
Thanks for helping me stay strong! I started out my no contact without much urge to break it, but the longer I go without talking to my (now ex) best friend, the more difficult it gets.
At least I’ll have plenty of new friends to make and experiences to have during May/June that won’t trigger any nostalgic memories like here in my home city.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.