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I know how you feel. Maybe it is painful for him to see this stuff as you said.
I don’t think it’s because he’s trying to erase you or anything, and even if he’d try, he can’t forget you that easily. I told you about my situation so you could see that even if someone decided they don’t want you, they wouldn’t let you go so easily if they really love you or has feelings for you. And by his behavior I can see that he’s still attached to you. Sticking to NC surely got him thinking. Give it a few days and hopefully things will work out between you two.I guess I’m just anxious because I’ll have to see him at work tonight. I’m good at keeping my cool and acting confident for a certain amount of time, but as the night wears on, I usually tend to fade in my abilities. He’ll go from walking past me all the time, smiling widely, trying to eavesdrop when I’m talking to my girlfriends/coworkers, making random small talk, thanking me profusely for helping him with any work-related activities, etc. to then literally acting as if I’m a ghost that isn’t there or making a conscious effort to avoid the areas I’m in. It’s so hot and cold, and it fluctuates so much, that it drives me insane. I mean, I get it to a certain point. If I’m really critical of my own actions, I probably do the same thing. I will be cold and avoidant mostly because I’m trying not to show that I have any emotions for him and it’s way easier to do when I’m not around him. But after a certain amount of time, it gets really hard to keep up, and I start to soften. Especially when he starts to soften. I won’t be full on affectionate or talkative then, but I tend to end up replying to his small talk or saying “you’re welcome” when he thanks me, and then I get those butterflies in my stomach because at least we talked. Work is really dang rough. And I know today he’ll probably either ignore me worse than ever, or he’ll be really happy to see me and desperate.
I also feel like to an extent that I have to be right about him “archiving” my chats with him. There’s really only three reasons he would’ve done that: it’s hard for him to see, he no longer cares about it/is apathetic, or he’s flat out done with me and never wants to see/talk to me again. If he was flat out done with me or never wanted to see or talk to me again, why “archive” it? Just delete the conversation. Or better yet, unfriend me on facebook so I’ll REALLY get the point. If he doesn’t care or is apathetic, why not just leave it? He has a million other random messages that just sit in his inbox. No point in making extra effort to put mine somewhere else. That only really leaves the first option, in my head. Maybe that’s overly optimistic. I’m not sure. It’s just what makes sense to me.
I’m probably reading into this too much too, but it seems to me like he’s consciously going out of his way to spend next to no time on facebook or not to check it. Last week, the max time I ever saw between him being online was like 8 hours because he worked a double at work. He’s easily hit 12 or 13 hours this week of not being online, and I know it’s not always for lack of him being at home or having time to. He works in like two hours, so I know he’s up. I know he’s sitting at home and eating breakfast, mostly because I know his routine. That usually involves him sitting on his computer and checking facebook repeatedly. It says it’s been 9 hours since he was last on. Unless his schedule has suddenly changed super dramatically or he’s constantly away from his apartment (which I guess he could be, if he’s really dating someone…), he’s not going online as much consciously. I don’t know whether this is to spook me into thinking he’s busy a lot or just him not wanting to be online. But per usual, it freaks me out like everything else.
In my gut, I don’t believe he’s really seeing anyone else, but I’m biased. I probably just see what I want to see.
“If he doesn’t care or is apathetic, why not just leave it? He has a million other random messages that just sit in his inbox. No point in making extra effort to put mine somewhere else. That only really leaves the first option, in my head.”
That’s what I’m thinking as well. He could have just deleted it if he didn’t want anything to do with you.
“I’m probably reading into this too much too, but it seems to me like he’s consciously going out of his way to spend next to no time on facebook or not to check it.”
I know what you mean. It freaks me out too sometimes. But you have to remember that it doesn’t mean anything and maybe he’s even doing it on purpose as part of his plan to make you think that he’s “seeing” someone. If he’s doing it then he’s really jealous and going out of his way by being immature. Try not to read into things too much and just see them the way they are right now.
So I found out at least Wednesday night when I was freaking out about him being out and gone for long hours, he just got called to work a double. Hence why he was gone all day. Luckily for me, that means he’s not in at work tonight. I’ll inevitably see him tomorrow, though fortunately he’s working an event then, so we won’t have to be in direct contact.
All that being said, I’m about 95% sure he biked by my house earlier right around the time he’d expect me to be leaving for work. He’s also been online ALL DAY and has been switching back and forth between Facebook searching me and my dad (who is currently in town visiting me, and not someone my ex normally looks for). I feel like he must be missing me and must be looking in to confirm my dad is here. It’s all so weird.
It is indeed weird. Could be that he really misses you.
How could you know his searches on facebook?I would ignore any kind of “contact” other than phone calls, texts, Facebook emails and him physically coming to see you.
FaceBook and other social media sites are hell when going through a break up. I can tell you from experience that the urge to look at your ex’s profile is so high – I did it today and it hurt bad.
So my point is that you should sit back, not contact him and await his move. There’s no need to read into all this stuff at all.
If you or Oshi have the time to comment on my thread, please do.
Thanks and best of luck!
We were always open with passwords, so I’ve checked. I don’t think it even occurred to him that I might, otherwise he’d be trickier about it. You can see on someone’s page what they’ve searched for.
I know I need to stop looking and stop overanalyzing things. Everyone tells me things look good if I keep up NC. That is what I should be focusing on. It’s just so hard when all these little things come up. Like I was on Spotify last night and it told me one of my followed playlists had been deleted. That playlist was a list of songs my ex made for me, and now I feel terrible not knowing if he got rid of it because he’s DONE or because it’s too hard to have around.
Regardless of anything else, I feel like crap. I feel like one week of no contact hasn’t done anything for me and has not made him realize anything. It feels like a loss on both sides, and I know it’s probably just because I’m stuck too far in the middle of it. But it does feel hopeless.
@Between I can feel what you are going through. It’s a painful situation to be stuck in the middle like this. Right now you might not see the positive in this but trust me when I’m saying that it effects him. If he’s checking your profile and your house often then it surely got him thinking. Remember why you are doing this. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore, you deserve to be happy. And after some time regardless of him contacting you or not you will start feeling better with yourself, knowing that you are not going after him anymore and trying to get him back when he’s not wiiling to commit to a relationship. Relationship is supposed to be mutual. Try to remember this when you have weak moments and keep going forward. Just wait a few more days and he will probably reach out to you.
Also I agree with Solidturd. Facebook really is painful when going through a break up. I always have the urge to check his profile and then I get hurt and analyzing every little thing. We should all stay away from their facebook, even if it’s hard doing it.
Everyone goes thru their own process of healing, moving on, letting go, dealing with a break up. No matter what side you are on, you still go thru things and deal with things your own way. Overanalyzing will take you nowhere. And I find actually logging in to his facebook is very controlling on your part and it’s not just wrong but bad for you. It’s funny when people can be so quick on being brutal on others threads but can’t even carry their own in their situation
In another note, Oshi, I hope everything is going the best way with you and I’m sorry I have been so absent and didn’t help you much at the time. If you need any advice post on my thread and I’ll gladly answer. You can also post your facebook and/or KIK, that way I can trully give back to you 🙂
No offense, kaila, but I’m really missing the point of your post. The first two sentences seem supportive and like a good reminder to me, if not a little obvious. Obvious is good though, as most people (myself included) seem to have a hard time remembering the obvious when they’re in crisis mode. That being said, I’m also missing where it was necessary to get up on your high horse and say that overanalyzing things will get me nowhere or that I’m being controlling. I’ve thoroughly acknowledged that overanalyzing things, whether I’m doing it or someone else is, helps absolutely nothing. If I could instantly be better at not doing it in this situation or every other life situation I get into, I would. Unfortunately, these things take work and so I have to take life day to day as it comes, which includes my overthinking at this present time.
I’ve also acknowledged that me logging into his facebook was wrong and not something I should do or want to do. It doesn’t do anything but give me more things to overanalyze. That being said, we’ve openly shared our passwords. It’s not an excuse, but if it’s really that “controlling” of me (how is it controlling when it doesn’t affect him or force him to do anything whatsoever), he could change his password. Just as I could change mine if I were really that concerned with it. I haven’t been on since my last post and I won’t be in the future. End of story.
“It’s funny when people can be so quick on being brutal on others threads but can’t even carry their own in their situation” You also continue to focus on me being brutal or thinking I was personally antagonizing you on your thread when that wasn’t my point or intent. At the time, you couldn’t see the forest for the trees. You were way too hurt and you needed as many people as could possibly be there to shake you and set you straight. I’m not the only one who said what I did, which you can recall if you go back to your thread. And it’s clear that what we said finally got through to you because I see your posts all the time now and you seem so strong, stable, full of life, and powerful. You seem to do people a lot of good and seem to have learned a lot from your situation. Because of all of this, I don’t regret what I said for a second. That being said, our situations weren’t the same at the time and have never gotten closer to being the same. It’s unpractical to believe that everything I said to you would hold over and apply to my situation. I’m also human and so it’s reasonable to understand that it is way easier for people to give advice than to always be able to adopt it in their own situation. I’m clearly no stranger to doing that, and I don’t pretend I am. I’m not perfect and I sure have made a lot of mistakes with my ex along the way, but I also still have a lot of room for things to work out in the long run if I continue to focus on myself. And that’s what I’m doing. Just made it through Day 8. And you can either celebrate that with me and think it’s a good thing, just as I see your progress as a good thing, or you can dwell on what I said to you once upon a time, be butt hurt by it, and continue to try and drag me down in some capacity. Hopefully, you’ll pick the first because I think we all ought to try and life each other up more. But if you pick the second, I’ll be just as fine.
A little update about my situation.
My ex sent me a video of a cute kitten he saw while taking his dog for a walk. He knows that I love cats, and he was often sending me videos like this when we were together. After this we texted for a few minutes on Whatsup and then he called me. He said he’s working double shifts all week (everyone there are students and they have exams) so he offered to meet up at Monday next week. Honestly I don’t know what to think about this. It sounds positive but he’s just too apathetic! He’s confusing me and getting my hopes up when I shouldn’t.
My question for you is this: Why do you think he’s apathetic? I’m not saying he isn’t. I’m just saying that when I read what you just wrote to me, apathetic is not the word that automatically comes to mind. And I want to know if I’m missing something about this story/how he acted that truly makes him seem apathetic, or if you’re just worrying and stuck in the middle too much.
I think it’s both. I just don’t want to interpret things the wrong way. While at our meetings he’s smiling and his behavior makes me think that he’s interested, later I found out that it didn’t mean anything and he was just being friendly. He just doesn’t show his feelings.
How are you doing? Did he try contacting you?
Wow between-I haven’t been on the boards in awhile and I can’t believe you are still dealing with this kind of wretched crap from your ex. I would have demoted this guy in my life if I were you. It seems like you are slipping deeper into this neverending spiral of misery. Who cares what he does on FB? Regardless of his reason for his searches, you could have done a million more things that were better for you than to look into his social media activity.
This guy is stuck in limbo and has you right there beside him with a tight leash around your neck. He needs to grow up years and years before he is on the same level as you are. You could be stuck like this for years waiting for him to become the bf you want him to be. This is the equivalent of staring at a brick wall and wanting it to turn into a prince. You could grow old waiting for this guy to commit exclusively. It’s obvious he’s not ready not by miles.
What your ex is good at is playing with your heart like it’s a ball that he bounces against the wall when he’s looking for entertainment. Ugh these are the worst kind of guys-they make a lot of my readers totally miserable.
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