-
Posts
-
You’re right, he wouldn’t let you use his Ipod if there was something to hide.
I agree with your counselor. Jealousy or him dating another girl may trigger something in him. It may make him realize what he has lost. Sometimes people have to experience this in order to wake up.
If you feel that NC is best right now then stick to it. Wait until you notice a change in his behavior as you said. I support you 🙂
I’d like to ask your opinion about something if you don’t mind, sorry if it’s a bit long. >_<
It’s been 4 months since our break up. I’ve stopped contacting my ex about a month ago. Before that I was the one to initiate most of our conversations. Since our last meeting (a month ago), he began initiating regularly. At first it was just messages and now he calls me every week. We talk for like 40 minutes on the phone, about studies, work and regular stuff. 2 weeks ago he offered to meet up. Since I’m busy with studies and exams we agreed to meet up when I’ll have more time (I did initiate as well from time to time). 2 days ago we’ve talked and he asked me again. He called a day before to wish me good luck on my exam, which means that he remembered (I told him a few weeks before that).
We’re meeting up next week. I’m feeling a bit nervous but trying not to get my hopes up just yet. The thing is that we agreed to remain friends, so this could be the reason for him to do it. But it just feels so unexpected coming from him like that. On our last meeting at first he didn’t even want to hangout because he said it bothers him that I still have feelings for him, so after I told him that I’m seeing someone he agreed. (I’ve really met someone but I don’t think I can date anyone right now).
Do you think he might want to start something again or does it look like he’s doing it in a friendly way and nothing more? I’m feeling a bit confused from his behavior but don’t want to expect anything yet.
He generally lets me use his iPod and I haven’t seen anything in the past. However, last time we were in the car, he picked the music and just let it play. He’s done this before so it may not be a big deal, but he didn’t offer it up either. I’m probably reading into it too much. If he’d gotten Tinder recently, I assume his account would show signs of use and be set up. The only reason I can think of that it isn’t is ready to go and being used is because he set it up in the past, and then decided to delete it or not use it. I’m still paranoid now about not using his iPod last time we were together.
In terms of your situation, it is kind of hard to say. I don’t want to make you overly optimistic or get your hopes up, but at the same time, the fact that he’s been initiating things a lot, initiated this specific meeting, and is the main one trying to in contact makes me think good things. I would try to go into your meeting with a positive attitude and maybe some hope for good things, but not an expectation of them. Like I said, without more details, it’s hard for me to truly know. I do have a hard time thinking he’d be making that much effort for just a friend or something casual though.
You seem to be afraid of having the conversation with him and I wonder why is that? Not that it is any of my business but just curious because you ask peoples advice but you did not like mine which is your prerogative of course but just wondering about reasons for your avoidance to get this situation resolved one way or another.
Because I feel like my feelings have been made overly clear and that if he wants to be with up, he needs to step up and say so. It’s not my job to prompt him at this point or to have to repeatedly express that I love him/make that clearer to him. This, and the fact that we’ve not had any longer than 4 days of space (usually his own doing) and his comment about the date (even if I don’t believe him), don’t make me feel overly motivated to try and start a conversation. He’s just as capable of doing that as I am.
Ok. Thanks your life and if this limbo is okay for you than that is your choice and I have no need to say anything further. Appreciate that you took time to answer and i wish you good luck.
I’m not continuing to stay in limbo though, so I’m kind of confused as to why you’re implying that. I’m in NC with him right now. He chose to use the threat of a date as a way to manipulate me, so I’m choosing to not communicate with him. If he wants me and misses me, as I believe he does, he’ll fix it or he won’t. It’s not up to me at this point. I’ve done all that I can. I may be reading this wrong, but I don’t really appreciate the implication that I’m intentionally putting myself in a place of limbo. I have done all that I can at this point so far, more than he deserves, so I’m not the one causing or continuing the limbo.
@between I think you’re reading into it too much. I assume it’s like you said, that he created a profile and not using it or deleted it.
I think you’re doing the right thing. NC would make him realize what’s important to him.
Sometimes you just feel better not to act and do something about it, because after all, we are the ones that getting hurt the most. If he truly loves you and cares for you, he’d be the one that reaching out to you. You feel yourself what’s best for you, and you are really trying your best. Sometimes we just want to see their efforts in this. I know it’s hard feeling like this. But it doesn’t seem like he’s about to leave your side anytime soon. Try to stay strong and be positive! I’m sure it will turn out well!I do have a hard time thinking he’d be making that much effort for just a friend or something casual though.
That is exactly what I’m thinking! And that’s why I’m thinking too much about it lol. Even if he wants to start something again his ego is just too big! xD I guess I just have to wait until our meeting next week to know his intentions. Thanks for your advice. It helps hearing another one’s opinion 🙂
It’s nice to hear someone saying that they don’t think he’s going anywhere quickly, they don’t think he’s really dating, and that I’m doing the right thing by maintaining NC. I guess I’m starting to feel real low and just beside myself about the whole thing. I’m sure this is no new feeling to anyone who’s actually gone through NC. I know I’m not a unique individual. I also know that it hasn’t even been four full days since we last talked. It just hurts because up until now, four days was the longest we’d gone, and I know today is going to roll by with nothing from him. Then it will have been five days, and I’ll feel even worse knowing a new record has been set.
I know this is like an addiction and I’m just getting him out of my system. I know NC is going to help me in the long run and it has the potential to get him back. I just don’t feel it in my bones. I feel scared and anxious and I want someone to calm me down and genuinely believe that things will work out with him…
My question about your situation is when is your meeting?
I commented to you in the first place because you asked me to provide my honest opinion and I am not going to mollycoddle you and feed your hopes when I think situation is not healthy as long term. What I meant was the limbo of this ridiculous situation where he plays this caring but not caring enough to be with you kind of game i.e where he hints and spends time with you like boyfriend but not really committing to you as one because he might want to go on dare with someone else. To me what he does is very childish and you are letting him do that to you. When I asked about having the conversation it was not about you telling him how you feel because I do believe you have made that clear but just ask him what his intentions really are because this situation has carried on like this bit too long and I have feeling it can go on like this few months more and that is not good for either of you nor people around you because involving other people to comment on each others feelings and behaviors is well pretty much like some teenage drama. I am not doubting anything you have told about what he does only that the key bit is missing i.e him telling you that he wants to be with you as boyfriend /girlfriend and if I were in your shoes I would like to know why and if he would not want me then I would ask him to stop the games and giving mixed signals because you are stuck in waiting to see what he does and I would not like someone to have that control over my life and cause me constant hurt with it- Even if you love them a lot but that is not healthy type of relationship if you are being hurt by his actions and feeling anxious and down. I am not doubting he has feelings for you either but I do think he is being really immature with his behavior. I know this comment will annoy you again and that is why I will not reply to you anymore because I dont want upset you. Because my style is saying the way I see it, so it is not for everyone and I get that. So I do wish you all the best regardless what you may think and I hope you get him back.
I’m not annoyed whatsoever, so I apologize if my comment came across that way. I’m just telling you that there really isn’t much more for me to say at this point or ask him. I feel that I’ve made my feelings more than clear. I love him and I feel that my actions speak loud enough that he should know that. If he is unclear on that and is acting immaturely because of that/because he’s worrying about it, then it is up to him to him to reach out and try to clarify. As of this point, I’ve been incredibly forgiving and cool about any and all behavior from him. I’ve made my feelings clear, that I want to try and start over, but I haven’t pushed him to go with them. I have spent tons of time hanging out with him, working with him, letting him run errands/help me, helping him, doing nice things for him (like his birthday presents), and the way he repays me is by telling me he’s going on a date. Now, I know it’s either a rebound that will end or a non-existent girl he lied about, but either way he still said it. At this point, I feel that I’ve done enough and said enough. If he is concerned enough by me disappearing or misses me being in his life enough, he will contact me. The ball has been in his court for a long time, and he’s continued to drop it. If he really cares and loves me like he appears to/acts like he does, he will do something about it. The time has come that he needs to step up and be the one working to get me back, not vice versa. And if he can’t do that, I guess that’s probably a sign I don’t want to be with him anyways. I know he’s being incredibly immature and I know that honest communication is what we need. And I intend to go for that at some point. But right now, I am hurt by his comment and sick of him toying with me to try and get some reaction out of me just so he can confirm for himself that I care. If he wants to know I care, all he has to do is look at my actions or ask me. Until a point that he does that or I feel more in control of myself/strong enough that I don’t really need him around, I think NC is the best option here. It’s taking care of myself and giving him an opportunity to see what life is really like without me, and to decide if this is genuinely what he wants.
@between You’re right. It’s time for HIM to step up and be the one working to get you back. You’ve done more than enough, and I believe he knows that too. This way you can see what’s truly important to him. If he really loves then he won’t let you go this time. You can’t be there for him all the time and wait for him to figure out what he wants. I truly believe that you have a chance with him, but like Finntoga said it could take weeks or months until he decides to commit, and you don’t want to keep suffer from it.
I know you’re worried of doing NC but after you’ve tried everything I think it will be the best thing to do right now. It will be for yourself regardless of him. It’s sort of the same as what happened to me as well. A month ago I’ve came to a point where I couldn’t keep up with this anymore. I felt like I couldn’t keep going after him and working to get him back when he’s not even trying to do so. I realized that there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. So I decided to move on. I gave up on him, and I really had this thinking that there’s someone better for me out there. I still do sometimes. It was hard but I’ve learned to let go. And now all of sudden HE is the one that trying. I know it’s not exactly the same and I’m not even sure if it means anything but it’s a change. And your situation is a lot better than mine, your relationship with him is way closer than ours. So I’m sure that he won’t let you go that easily, even if you do NC. If someone truly wants to stay in your life, then they would do everything they can to make it happen.
We don’t have anything planned yet, I told him to let me know when he can meet up next week, so he’ll probably call me early next week.
I’m worried about NC, but that isn’t going to stop me from continuing to do it. I’m never quite sure how to count the days, as the last time we talked was right at the end of day, but I guess I’m technically at the beginning of Day 5. It’ll have been five full days around 11:30 pm or so. I hate it, it makes me feel really distant from him and myself, it doesn’t feel like this is going to change anything, etc. But I know I have to stick through it because what I’ve been doing isn’t working anyways, so at a bare minimum, this won’t make things any worse than they already have been.
I guess the hardest thing I deal with is trying to keep in mind everyone else’s advice and perspective on the situation. I have yet to find someone on the boards, in my friend/coworker group, or with any of my counselors that really truly believe this is over. Everyone seems to think that he’s just had no motivation to step up, which is true, and that this will now set a fire under his butt to get him moving. He used this threat of another date as a way to make me jealous and get a rise out of me, and as it continues to not work in his favor, he’ll be forced to make a move. He’s not going to want to let go or give up. This is literally what everyone tells me. I just find it so dang hard to believe or to keep a bit of perspective on the situation. I think it’s really hard to see when you’re in the middle of it, but sometimes it just feels like everyone is lying to me. I mean, if he were really missing me or concerned, wouldn’t he just contact me? If he were jealous, why wouldn’t he just tell me? It’s all just so nonsensical. That’s what I wish I had answers to or wish someone could explain to me.
Just curious, but why didn’t you set up a specific time or make specific plans? To me, this leaves a lot up to circumstances and seems like you potentially set yourself up for disappointment if he doesn’t contact you. I’m also just curious as to why you chose to wait.
I understand what you’re saying. I’ve come to realize myself that things are not always work the way they should. If it was that simple people wouldn’t had any issues in relationships at all. Sometimes people don’t know how to act or what to say at some point, and that just makes us confused even more. He probably wouldn’t tell you he’s jealous, but it doesn’t mean that he’s not feeling that way. He could be missing you but at the same time do nothing about it. It is weird and confusing but that’s just how things work sometimes. Maybe he’s waiting for you to contact him, maybe his ego is too big, there could be hundreds of reasons. But the one thing that could help is time. Even if he’s apathetic right now, time would help him realize and figure out his true feelings. Some people just need more time than others. You have to remember to be patience and things will work out. The reason everyone tells you you have a chance and it’s not over because they truly believe so. If I thought that you don’t have a chance then I would have told you to move on.
I didn’t want to make it sound as if I’m eager to see him. He offered to meet up when I’ll have some time from studies. He didn’t know that next week I’m mostly free. So I said that next week I have time and told him to let me know when he can meet up. Then he said that this week he’s working all week (I didn’t even mention this week >_<) and said that he knows I have exams as well, so he said that next week is good. I guess he has to take a day off from work because he’s working like crazy these days, like 7 days a week O_O Next week he’d probably call me to arrange the meeting, that’s how it usually is.
I guess that’s probably true. Just because I can’t flat out understand why he wouldn’t contact me if he wanted to doesn’t mean that there aren’t valid reasons in his mind. It’s just so hard to understand when I’m so ready for this to be over. I just want to fix this and move on so we can both be happy with our lives, instead of sitting here waiting to hear from each other and missing each other. After the entire way he’s acted too, I guess I just don’t know why he wouldn’t be feeling the same way. Hell, he probably is. He’s just not as emotionally mature as me, he’s shown that, and so he’s not going to deal with things in the upfront way I would.
I also know that none of you guys owe me the answer I want. Sure, all my friends and counselors would probably love to be able to tell me it’s all going to work out. But I know that no one would say it if they didn’t believe it. That’s just too much pain for me to handle on top of all that I’ve already gone through and I know we all know that. I trust that you’d tell me if you thought I should give up.
Well, in that case, I think you’re probably okay. His reasoning for meeting up this week was just him trying to be conscientious of both of you, not because he was intentionally trying to put it off. And if he has been initiating things and following through when he says he will, he probably will.
He “archived” my facebook chat thread with him. He did that with his previous ex before me. She’s right below my thread. I can’t tell if it’s just too painful for him to see stuff about/from me because he’s missing me and wishing he could hear from me, like I thought when I realized he’d “unfollowed” me, or if he’s just genuinely done and trying to erase me and doesn’t want me around. It’s time for bed, but I just feel lousy, knowing all of this. Worse is that I have to see him at work tomorrow and try to act happy and like everything is a-okay.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.