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Posts
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Unendingmind said:
Today 02:40 PM
I messed up.I have with the only person ever in my life to care about me for me, for the past 2 years. We have had a rocky relationship however, there were plent of good moments together. We also adotped a dog togehter about a year in (he is like both our child). She moved in with me almost instantly and we rent a house, along with my father.
I have issues with drinking and smoking weed. I have not been there for her sexually like i should have been for a good while of the relationship, and admidlty could have been more affectionate.
We had a 4 day seperation about 4 months ago because i couldnt get a handle on my drinking (as in doing it too much) . I told her how much a sober life with her ment to me (although i was still smoking and this never botherd her) and i got myself clean from drinking without AA like she though i would need, for 3 months. She turned 21 (im 27) and we mutually agreed on her birthday vacation if we go out to eat or wanna have a night out thats fine, drinking could be something we shared, since she couldnt enjoy bars with me before.
Things were looking good for us, i got into model building as a healty way not to drink. But like drinking, that hobby also kinda consumed me and i wasnt there for her, because i was so fixed on myself and staying away from drinking, to make us both happy. And i was. But from lack of attention, she wasnt. I was still smoking weed at this point.
Another huge issuse is moving out. My whole soul hungers to be able to settle down with her and my dog, and she wanted to move out too, but the issue was my father and where he would go, so i couldnt pull the trigger. This made so much tension.
She broken up with me 3 days ago. The final straw was that i told her id take her out later that night, got caught up in some stuff, went back to her too late to go out, but still wanted to hang and spend time at home (albe it was late). She was pissed though, i just genuenlly didnt know how much that dinner ment to her and i 100% honest lost track of time.
Next morning she sat me down and said she doesnt love me anymore and wants to leave. And it was just a bit to early before i could find the right balance between giving her attention and getting away from substances.
Now, i need to show her i mean buisness. Part of why i wasnt showing her attention or sexual attention was simple i got rid of beer but i was alwayssss high and lazy. I was scared of that being taken away. So childish.
Currently (3 days into breakup) my life goal is to show her how sorry i am for not being there like she was for me. Im currently doing the following –
– i stopped smoking overnight
– made a savings jar to put all my saved weed money into a fund for us to move into an appartment
– have sex at least every other night (how can i show her this change will happen?)
– start lifting weights (she always said she likes big arms)
– and most important accept i do not want her back for me, i want to give her what she deserved by beliving in me for so long. I really let her down without even realizing because im always high…I dont even want her back right away. I dont want to hurt her or make her feel perssured. I just want her to give it some time, see how high i climb this obsticle, and re-evaluate.
But i fear that ship has sailed once already. I really need advice. Ive been doing the no contact rule for 2 days now, but i dont know if its proper for my situation.
And to anyone who read this whole thing, thank you.
@unendingmind – I’m sorry this happened to you, but I know you understand that life with you wasn’t pleasant for her. I’m glad you’re taking steps to improve, but I highly recommend AA as you would meet a variety of people with drinking problems that were strong enough to quit and then help each other stay sober until one is strong enough to stay that way. Passion for hobbies is great, but can be overdone, as you did. I’m glad you realize your mistakes! Smoking weed is a nasty habit! It changes a persons personality in a very negative way. If you there is a way to contact your ex, and if you haven’t already, let her know that you’re making positive changes and then go no contact for at least a month. Stay focused on your improvements and try your best!! Good luck:)
@PATRICIA12
Thank you. Its been 5 days of no contact now. The day she came to get her stuff to move out, i told her my base plan on how to improve. She also wasnt able to get all of her stuff out, and im not sure how to deal with the message that she wants to come get it.She liked one of my instagram posts yesterday, i know better then to try and decode the meaning, but as being human, its terribly hard not to. It wasnt a new picture, and it wasnt even of me, it was some gear for a hobby. She likes everything i post so she must have missed that one, meaning i think she went through all my pictrues, saw she missed one and decided to like it after all this.
She also wanted to remain friends when she broke it off, but only after a while so i can process. I know she wants to see me sooner and i know she misses me, im sure of that much.
I know i could get her to come over any time if i really just told her, hey i have something important to show you, can you stop over? I dont have much doubt she would. Its just the paitence to ask her at the right time, ive been debating around sunday, which is a week of nc total, and i know its not reccomended but i have this feeling any longer then that might start to hurt my situation rather then help.
She also had a somewhat important procedure on her acme today. Im really torn on asking how it went, i dont want to make her feel like im THAT cold, i genuinely do care and want to know.
Its for sure been getting easier the past 1-2 days, ive been totally substance free and my mind feels so clear, and I have no desire to have that taken from me, its been 7ish years since i took these blindfolds off. And like i said, she was with me for 2 of those. I feel ready to talk to her now, i think my head is really in a clear spot to know what both her and i want. Even though i feel ready and confidant im still holding out?
I dont even want her back, honestly, im going to tell her that. I dont want to drag her through anything she doesnt want to be around. But my soul craves for her to come to me as a friend, and be willing to re-evaluate when she is ready after getting to know the real, new me. I dont think there could be a more true to heart or pure motive to rebuild this. If she was to accept reevaluation, and found me to not be the man she needs, id except it with due honor.
It wont let me edit twice, she didnt send the message to get her stuff yet but i know its coming soon. Just wanted to clear that up.
@unendingmind – I think it might be a positive sign that she liked your post, but don’t overdo posting photos on Instagram! Stay focused on your mission of improvement. Don’t make stuff up to get her to go to your place, always tell the truth! You could ask her when it’s convenient to get the rest of her things.. Yes, definitely ask how she is feeling after the acne procedure, but make it short and sweet:) Do you call her, text, or message by email? Staying friends might be a good idea if you only talk or see each other once in a while. IE: not often and for sure not weekly etc. She needs to be able to see big improvements. Don’t say you do or don’t want her back! Just say you’re working on getting rid of your bad habits and improving your behaviors, character, and lifestyle which will take some time. And if she would be willing to discuss reconciliation at some point. Think about going to AA, okay? It’s free and the members support each other and the older ones have good ideas and advice for the younger ones. Sharing your story also helps YOU. Maybe when you save enough for an apartment would be the ideal time to ask if she’s ready and willing to reunite. Do you have a good paying full time job? Where is she now? Do she also have a full time job?
I wish you both the best..
@PATRICIA12
Yeah i have a pretty decent full time job, i bring home about $600 a week after taxes. She also had a fulltime job, but even though its fulltime work in her line gets cancled often and she doesnt always work a full time work week. She has some savings, i think about a grand to move out, i could have double that in a pretty short time now that im not spending 200+ on weed weekly.She moved back into her mothers house, who is an alcoholic and her boyfriend can be abusive to her, she doesnt like it there.
And i just want to clear up, i didnt post anything new, im MIA on social media. She liked a really old post from months ago, and it wasnt even of me, it was of hobby item stuff.
When we were together she always liked all of my pictures, so for her to find one random one she missed, tells me she went through all if not most of them, because it was pretty far down the account.
Currently in realtime debating how to approach her about the treatment and if that will open the door to talking about more. This is a record amount of time for us to not talk or see eachother.
@unendingmind – Yes, I understood that it was a photo you posted some time ago. I think it’s too early to discuss reconciliation until you are more stable and kick the cravings for alcohol and weed. I meant it would be good to talk about it “at some point” down the line. Congrats on your savings! It’s sad about her mom being an alcoholic and the abuse of the boyfriend. And that your ex has to witness it all.. I hope you contact her soon to ask how she’s feeling, but I still recommend not getting into a deep conversation just yet. And stop wondering if that will lead to talking about more at this time. The only thing she really needs to know at this time is that you’re sincere about making self improvements and making very determined efforts to do so. Make arrangements for her to come over to pick up the rest of her stuff.
How do you communicate with your ex? Phone, text, or email?
Oh boy okay so kinda big update and im not sure where it lies.
We did make contact, well i did. Only to make arrangments for her to move her stuff out. I texted her, hey can you talk? She said no, im out with my friend responding within a min or two, and i asked alright would YOU WANT TO give me a call when your free? She said sure. Guess she was out alot later then expected, she texted me wayyyy later saying she just got home and we can talk tom. I asked if she would mind a call if it was breif, she agreed.
On the phone she said shes coming to get her smaller stuff tomorrow (meaning saturday which is today because im posting this late.)and her dad rented a uhall to come get the big stuff sunday. Owch, that hurts. Kinda really cements the breakup in there. But not all was bad.
I asked her for a total honest policy, nothing held back your scared to admit/embarrsed about. I asked if she still missed me, i belive word for word she said “i dont really know” or “im not really sure”, one of the two. That hurt. I asked her to elaborte a bit and she just kinda said shes getting into her life moving back in at home.
But then she asked that no weed be at the house for when her dad comes with the uhaul. Perfect time to tell her i dont smoke anymore and sold all my weed. (This was actually said in text leading up to the call, i got the order wrong, but i also said it again over the phone.)
I went into detail about how good i really feel to just be me. Not worrying about getting high. I cant tell how she took it. Because of our last mini break up she thinks im feeding her lies.
Thats kinda okay i guess, because the way we left it. See – her acne appointment got canceled. Once she gets that done, she cant drink for a while, so she wants to go out and have a night of drinking tom. However it shifted to her getting her stuff and talkig and maybe hanging out, Big difference between talk and hang out, both mentioned neither specified, but im very likely going to see her tom in a sutiation where we talk face to face, mutually. We agreed to talk more about it tom. She basically needs to decide if she wants to go get drunk or not. **so ironic i want to do family stuff and she wants to drink** lol.
I think its a step in the right direction. Id like to watch an episode of a show we used to watch togehter, and go spoil the dog with some toys and treats at the store.
Im really hoping that can be my night, im tired of telling her about change, and ive been avoiding it because i do need to show her im capable of change with action. She even flat out said, its too quick for you to change, and i guess shes right, everyones been telling me its early, but i really do feel 100% a new guy with the right purpose. I donno. But it got me here.
Thoughts?
@unendingmind – I don’t think you should have asked her if she misses you. And yes, it’s too early for her to believe you’ve made any changes. My gosh, she broke up with you less than a week ago! I’m glad you’re feeling good physically, but you need more time to become stable and she needs more time to miss you and also to believe your positive changes are going to be long lasting.
I’m glad she will be picking up her thinks, but it’s a very bad idea to go drinking or get drunk! The last thing you need it to be around someone who is drinking and you might be tempted to drink too until you’re stronger in the determination not to.. Drinking also lowers inhibitions and people tend to do and say things they later regret. If you hang out, it would be better to take the dog for a walk or go to the pet store and then go out to get something to eat. If you watch an episode of the show you used to watch together, the temptation to have sex would be greater and sex will NOT solve the issues.
No contact also gives her a chance to sort things out in her head and to miss you. At this point I can understand why she’s not sure she misses you because all the hurt you caused her is still fresh in her mind. It will take time for the bad memories to fade and to be able to think more about the good times. After the weekend, you should do strict no contact for at least a month..
So we did end up meeting up, and to be honest, i think things went great.
Alot of things happened, her mood was not happy or very willing to say much. I was just honest and with this new mental clearity i think i charmed her in a way i havent in a while, and once she cracked a smile and laughed, the mood instantly lightned.
We had a heart to heart, and she said she still has feelings for me and misses me, but still wants some time to figure herself out too – not to come back but to be friends. “Needing time” didnt last too long because when she drops off our dog for me to share him monday, she accept my request to go to the store and spoil him.
She also saw the money jar, i could tell she was impressed, and she even had a better jar with a smaller opening, so now i have to break it to open it. I instantly took her new jar happily. To me, i think that might have been a test of how serious i was. Without even a breath i accepted and switched to the new jar.
We didnt get romantic or show affection, However, when she was leaving she didnt hug me and it just felt wrong, but a mutual wrong i felt from her soul as she walked away to her car. I called out her name and said HEY! No hug? She almost seemed sorry not to offer, or maybe unsure if i wanted one. Anyway, we had a very nice longing holding of eachother, and when she pulled away she held my entire arm and slid her fingers down the entirety of my it. That felt great. I had also asked her if shes happy we talked and hanging out, (we also took a walk fresh air was nice) and she without thinking said yes.
Its a very promising road i feel, and after tonight finally since she said the magic words she wanted to leave me 6 days ago, the huge knot and actual pain in my chest got released. I feel like this will only add to my confidince not just with enjoying time with her but in general.
Im also accepting the fact that, im content if we cant repair, we can remain close friends. We arent 100% friends as of now, as in, i dont think she would want to meet up all the time, but enough to grow in time without doubt. Then The day will come where *i* choose when im ready, and i feel i can give her all the time in the world to wait and be sure im what she wants. Because if she doesnt, and we stay friends, i could confidantly find someone else when the time comes. But she is my focus and i have no interest in giving any other woman what she deserves, my hardwork will be offered to her exclusivly, and its her choice if she chooses not to have it.
@unendingmind – Sounds like the meetup went well. Did she pick up all her things? Does she keep the dog at her father’s place? She’s coming on Monday with the dog..don’t you have to work Monday?
I hope you respect her dignity and NOT become friends with benefits! So far so good, and I think you have a logical outlook as to future possibilities. Good luck!
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