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I wanted to delete my comment and clicked on report it not really by mistake but thought it would lead me to delete thing somewhere, anyway.
hi, malinda. i’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy today… it’s amazing how you can feel like you’re on the right track and then wake up feeling like you’re completely derailed. but i do think that the whole “the right man will do anything to be with you” idea is a hollywood fallacy; i think it’s only right in the very beginning, when there hasn’t been pain or dark history. that makes everything confused. people who have been hurt will be twice shy. i don’t know. i don’t know anything.
i’m not great today – i’m having a paranoid spiral freakout (it’s like a musical theater counterpoint in my head right now; ten different voices singing different things). I was feeling pretty calm the past couple of days, feeling like i’ve really accepted that he’s not the right man for me and that he doesn’t – and won’t ever – love me; that he might be susceptible to my charms but he hasn’t been seriously interested in me in years. then today my friend told me that she signed up for singing lessons at his school; based on some recent interactions, i think they’re attracted to each other and now i’m miserable. i know he doesn’t love me, i know that if he doesn’t love me he can’t be the right man for me, but i still love him, and thinking of him with anyone else is devastating. what, am i supposed to watch it from center stage???? i’ve never told her that i’m in love with him so of course she can do whatever she wants. but ….
i might see him tonight. maybe her, too. i don’t know. i’m such a fool.
But he was the one who came to you and invited you to his music school 2 years ago, and those talks for hours till morning, and that he asked you to go to his friends house for dinner what was that really about…I don’t know there are things unsaid between you two and as you said he mirrors your actions. I believe generally there must be a chance when there are things unsaid, you know.
I don’t know, Malinda. There are things unsaid, sure, but I don’t know how important anything i have to say is for him, or how much more I can take. He lets me get close and it’s like the sun is shining and it’s so wonderful… then the door shuts, and it’s so very, very cold.
I saw him briefly tonight at school. He had shaved off his beard; so incredibly cute. He’s handsome with the beard and super handsome without it. I was annoyed at myself for noticing. I teased him briefly after my lesson and he liked it, but then someone called me away and he went to go practice his bass in another room. I talked to his coworker for a while – his coworker is going through a break up and was venting to me – and then I had to leave and said goodnight to him quickly: strained weird smile. Nothing big. I always want more. When will I stop wanting more?
Yes. That whole fun, crazy day 6 weeks ago where he literally came dancing up to me on the street, invited me to have ice cream in a totally different part of town, got me drunk, then insisted I come with him to his friend’s house so he could cook us dinner and later told me that it was “destiny” that we’d run into each other that afternoon, that life was strange and nothing happened by chance and it was just what we needed… all the while flirting with the 25 year-old waitress? It was like he was trying to remind me that there’s nothing between us, while at the same time keeping me with him for nearly 10 hours and drunkenly talking about destiny. Then the next day, he took it away: “oh, yeah. last night was all about helping my sad friend.” Except his allegedly sad friend told me a few days later, “yeah, that night was all about you guys. i didn’t want you at my house.” What the hell was that whole thing really about? I was just talking to my therapist about it; I feel like it was significant, but I still don’t know what any of it meant.
You’ve a fear of rejection maybe cuz you have too deep feelings for him, even wanting to share the rest of your life with him maybe.
You know good things happen when you least expect it, and when you stop wanting more too maybe but you just can’t help it I know.
I’m hoping good things happening with youThis has been a really long chapter to you. And I’m starting to think your psychologist said all those things to keep you going. Do you pay her? The one I go to is a public hospital one so I don’t pay her salary, you know what I mean?
It’s gonna be hard for you to just close this 5 year chapter. I hope you are dreaming and planning a lot about your future. Cause you need to totally change EVERYTHING, in my opinion to move on. Not really everything but I think you know what I mean. Seek support in those closest to you, change your style, change your hair color, start something totally different, think if you are aligned with your true self, your better self. It’s inside of you you just need to let it out. I’m gonna email you Penelope.
Malinda, I’m so sorry as well. Be strong and cut all ties with him for good my dear
Said which things to keep me going? That we had a special connection/i hurt him or that he’s an asshole and i need to close the door as soon as possible?
I pay her. We have worked together for 13 years. She helped me through my major depression, self harm, prescription drug and my child abuse issues. In my 20s i had a big crush on a coworker who only saw me as a friend and she NEVER told me to talk to him or that we had any kind of connection. We stopped working together when i moved to japan. I went back to her in 2012, after i discovered that F had a girlfriend because i wanted help letting go of him. But she insisted from the start that there was something special between us that i needed to explore. When i lived in new york she charged me $250 an hour. I couldn’t afford that living in Italy so she agreed to charge 50 an hour. That was 3 years ago and she has never asked me to pay more.
Wooooooooooow. I could never ever pay that. Not even the 50. Here we have it for free or for like 5 euros max.
And I didn’t mean anything in particular just that maybe she was saying whatever to keep you going to her office.
Well, that’s New York. She is definitely not seeing me for the money. In fact,
Her sessions with me take away time from clients who are able to pay her full $250 an hour fee.I’m so sad. I’m sure my friend wants to use me to get closer to F. She signed up for voice lessons at his school and when she sent me the text to tell me, my heart sank. I haven’t slept or really eaten since. She wants to go to a concert where he might be tonight and I’m sure it’s because she wants an excuse to see him.
I’m supposed to be over him, but This has made me realize that I’m not. I love him and I love her but I’m miserable at the thought of them together… Of him with anyone who isn’t me. But he doesn’t love me. And I’m supposed to be moving away so he can do whatever he wants, i hereby give him to whoever wants him, right? Plus, I’ve never told her about my feelings for him and they can both do whatever they want. But I’m so unhappy. I cannot bear the thought of completely letting go. How can it be so hard to let go of him when i finally understand that he doesn’t love me and probably never did?
I went out with another friend last night and she thinks I’m not ready to move away: “you should be excited and you clearly aren’t.” She’s right. I’ve been telling most of my friends (no friends in common with F) but I haven’t really looked for jobs and i don’t want my friends in America to know because I know they’ll want to celebrate and i see nothing to celebrate. I’m not excited about the future at all.
I should reply to my friend’s text. If she wants to see him she’ll see him even without my help and I can’t hide at home forever. But I don’t know what I’ll say if she asks me for information about him, or for my help.
been soooooo busy sorry I havent had time to respond… but have you spoken to him yet penelope? and told him of your feelings? I just don’t believe assumptions are helpful. and I kinda think you owe it to yourself and him to let him know exactly what went wrong those years ago and inform him of your feelings.. then you can move forward and it will be a little bit easier cause you know you told him your feelings and you don’t have to create scenarios on what ifs and stuff like that.. you aren’t making any progress right now because you haven’t spoken to him and the longer you wait the less your chances are with him. he will move on after sometime and you can’t be mad. so talk to him ASAP. just rip the bandage off!
Hum, yeah it will always be hard. The thought of a friend of ours with the person we love/like/ or even loved is the worse. But at some point you have to just make peace with everything and remove yourself from the equation and let things roll cause unfortunately it’s not your role to decide on that. BUT, just like starlight said, it’s Important you do talk to him first and foremost.
Why are you so sure that is the reason she wants to go to the school and the concert?
You aren’t moving because you want to move. You are moving because you need to move in order to move on and start anew. That is the whole difference. There is a quote: “In order to keep your balance you must keep moving” and while you stay there you won’t be able to move on with your life fully. It’s a necessary “evil” that will give you what you need and, with POSITIVENESS, what you want as well 🙂 So, yes, after you talk to F. you are ready to move. Cause staying there just doesn’t cut it anymore I think you can agree with me. You just can’t move on if you stay
About my friend, let’s call her C: we’ve been friends for 3 years. When I met her, she was in love with Mauro (a friend of F’s), who was just using her for sex.
Something I haven’t mentioned before: I’ve never told any of my friends in town about my feelings for/history with F. I was always too ashamed and too embarrassed because they all know him. I know he told his friends about us when we first dated, but no one has ever mentioned anything to me, only his friend Moreno a few times but I always changed subjects. There is ONE friend in my town who knows about F, my snaky friend S, who figured it out one night when he saw me watching him. That’s a whole other drama.
Back to my friend, C. She was with me that night 3 years ago when I first saw F and his ex together. I was absolutely devastated; I shouted a lot of ugly things. Later, I told her, “I hope this stays between us.” and she said, “Who would I tell? I don’t even know who you were talking about.”
C really enjoys the town’s music scene (Mauro is part of it) so we often meet up at concerts. About a year ago, she asked if I knew somewhere she could take voice lessons and I suggested F’s school but she never signed up. This past summer, she’s been with me a couple of times when he and I interacted but they never said hello to each other; I thought I could feel some tension on her part. So I thought, “maybe they have a negative history or she likes him – who wouldn’t, he’s gorgeous.” The night of the concert last July where I played the keyboard and F treated me like crap, she came to see me perform. She got excited about voice lessons again after watching the concert. She was also with me the night last month when I tried to talk to F about destiny, when he was flirting so hard with the waitress. F was showing some kids how to use maracas. I saw her smiling tenderly at him and I thought, “WTF?” But I didn’t dwell since I had other things on my mind.
Lately, she’s been texting me a lot to hang out, much more than usual: “I need good music and you’re the one who knows where the music is!” I thought, “she wants me to take her to where he is”. Then a few weeks ago, I went to the town center and from my car, I saw her enter his family’s boutique. I thought, “she’s looking for him.” About half an hour later, I walked by the boutique and he was standing out front and that’s when we had our nice 40 minute chat. But he said, “Hey, that girl was just here. That friend of yours. The one I always see you with. The one who looks Irish. I don’t know her name. Is she a good friend of yours?”
That’s when I really started to panic. In the past, he has often mentioned people he “always” sees me with, like my friends Flora, Veronica, and Riccardo (“I know he’s a friend of yours because I’ve seen you with him. That girl you’re always with, the one with the blonde hair?”), but this was the first time he ever asked, “is she a good friend of yours?” I thought he was asking me because he wanted to date her and I didn’t sleep for two nights. I should be happy of course, right, because she is actually a real woman – age-appropriate, intelligent, kind, classy, serious…. not a trophy girl like his ex or the waitress. I should be happy to move away and leave him in the hands of someone great. But instead, I couldn’t sleep I was so upset….
This week, C texted me to say that she signed up for lessons at his school and she wanted to know if I wanted to go to a concert this Friday: “when are you going to show your face? I haven’t seen you in forever!”. I said, “What, you miss me?” and she said, “Of course! Well, also that there are few people who appreciate good music and I always have a good time with you.”
I thought, “bullshit!” I felt sick about it all week but I figured I should go out with her and at least see what was going on. At the concert, she told me that all of her close friends have “abandoned” her: S just had a baby, A broke her back and is bedridden, L and G moved to Rome, and I’m the only one left in town to hang out with. The concert was near our favorite bar (where F always hangs out) so we stopped in. I noticed that she kept watching the door. I asked who she was looking for and she said “no one, no one.” I asked if she was dating anyone, if she liked anyone these days… she said, “No, just kind of still seeing my ex, Stefano. But apart from that nothing.” A bit later, she said she’d had her first voice lesson and it was great. She said she also met the boys who run the school – P, F, and S; I noticed she hesitated a bit before saying F’s name. I said, “they’re great guys, yeah”… and then I couldn’t help myself. I said, “You know, they built that place with their bare hands? They’ve done such a wonderful thing, creating a space that didn’t exist in this town. I’m so, so proud of them.” She smiled tenderly. I relaxed a bit and we had a nice evening. But I couldn’t sleep last night and I still feel awful today.
I know that was really long… I’m sorry. I know I’m not right in the head, ever since that night at the club when it was so clear that I’m not a priority and that he was only using me to boost his ego while trying to get over his ex. I feel so stupid for ever daring to believe that I was special to him. And I also know that I’m supposed to be focusing on leaving. That by leaving, I officially let go of him. I mean, if I’m going to be gone in 2 months, he is free to do whatever he wants! But THAT THOUGHT…. the thought that I WON’T BE HERE ANYMORE and I will OFFICIALLY be admitting that he and I will never be together is horrible. Realizing how upset I am at the thought of letting him go (meaning that he will DEFINITELY end up with someone who isn’t me), made me think that maybe I don’t want to let him go, that maybe I want to fight for him. But fight for what!!!!!!!
He doesn’t love me!
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