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I’m thinking he is already aware of that you’re in love with him, and maybe taking advantage of it without really realizing its hurting you I don’t know and he must have feelings for you, he admires you too but try to let him realize that with not losing yourself while you’re with him without realizing it, try to let him recognize your value with the risk about losing him. It is maybe better losing than being in such situation now having such pain, I guess you might have thought about these too. You know it better, trust your instincts. I say all these to you now but I was not able to do so, failed many times just like the last time I did a while ago.
You really sound like my twin or something, I did see myself more as I continued reading your posts. I hope you come back to write here soon.
I’m still trying to accept the fact that we’re not meant to be together (then how stupid, why I do feel this way) and too many thoughts, and literaly he is on my mind all the time, somedays I wake up confident and tell myself yes I somehow got the guts and I have to do it for myself and save myself from this miserable life with the fake hopes and the feeling that hes the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life and somedays just sucks as heck a life without him just sounds meaningless, thinking hes simply enjoying his life, picking up one of the girls that are dying to be with around him and he doesnt give a sht about me at all and thinking the way how he treated me, used me, just words and only words and I get angry with myself being so fool…
I traveled to the States for a new start almost 5 months ago and he did let me go just like that, that night when I was waiting for my flight I called him and how I did want him to say what I wanted to hear but he didn’t, he just simply didn’t, I can’t describe how I did feel. I knew this saying whereever you go its not gonna help until you change/fix it in your mind and I experienced it. I used not to have expectations about anything without controlling it but since he got into my life, everything upside down, I don’t want to have expectations, he turned me into something else I dislike, a miserable person.
I sometimes asking myself is this could be love, no way…maybe obsession, like an addiction or I don’t know.
I’m 35 by the way and he is Italian.Wow!!!! Is Malinda and Penelope the same person? You really are alike in a few ways.
Penelope I’m so sorry I haven’t been giving you enough spport lately. I have just been busy with day classes, night classes, all that stuff :/ keep me posted my dear. And be strong. Enjoy the time with your friends, think of a brighter future. Just imagine how YOU would like to be as a person (as in feel, live, all that) and how you would like your ideal partner to be. Really be. Don’t just stick an imaginary photo of F. in there.
Malinda, same to you. Just meditate on that, imagine how you would like to be, everyday for sometime if it has to. I read that if you can imagine something clearly for 10 20 seconds, its perceived as a reality by your brain and it slowly makes you change. If thats inacurate (read that long time ago and feel lazy to google it), one thing is certain. It creates a clear vision/goal of who you want to be, and your mind starts coming up with ways to get you there.
Good luck for both, you too should talk more and support each other. But do do it in a positive way, dont just be miserable together 😛 keep me updated xx
And -> have that talk with F. Don’t give up on that even if you think there is 0% chance there is still something. It’s more about leaving everything clear, and going away KNOWING there was nothing there, FROM HIS MOUTH, rather than our minds x
Hi @kaila
Yes I know what you mean with that imagining and I kinda tried it. I set myself a goal and I did really feel like doing it until he comes back to me with sweet words, tricking just to satisfy his curiosity about what I’m up to since I stopped talking to him and I’ve been trying to accept the fact that we are not meant to be together. Each time he tricked and each time I let him do it and the funny sad part is that I again stopped talking to him when I didnt feel good and confident enough doing it, you know you suddenly have that courage to let him go just like that so the last time I was not feeling like that way so now I feel terrible to move on. Its been two weeks and each day I wake up with different feelings, none were no good as yet
Hi, ladies. Thank you as always for your support.
I’ve been okay. He and I had another friendly but really awkward encounter last night. I honestly don’t know whose fault it is – his or mine.
I think I’ve really finally accepted that he doesn’t and won’t ever have romantic feelings for me again. I think he respects me as a musician, enjoys spending time with me, and might even feel affection and some physical attraction to me but that’s it. A few of my friends agree with Malinda – that he knows I’m in love with him and takes advantage of it. I don’t know if I agree; I\m sure he definitely picks up on my romantic inclinations towards him but I don’t think he understands the depth of it. I don’t know, either, if he’s taking advantage of it because what is he getting out of it? He’s never tried to sleep with me. I have no power to help him financially or get anything he wants. Do men, like women, get off on the thrill of having their ego stroked?
Hard days.
You never know whats deep in his heart in the end anyway eventhough you automatically analyse every move of him towards you and others. So just go and pour your heart out to him if only you feel yourself emotionally strong enough to handle either response. Black or white no grey, at least there will be a clarity in the end. Ambiguity eats your energy for life slowly so take an action.
I withdraw myself from being with him in his way and his will eventhough it hurts as hll knowing I will never get to see him again and let him go cuz hes the one I did feel I would love to share the rest of my life with..its been for ages since I see him last time. It seems like he never understood my behaviours towards him as I was so moody and sometimes rude, I expected him to feel me somehow but I’m sure he blames me for all and thinking I’m a freak..anyway maybe he even started dating whatever
I’ve been trying so hard not to overanalyze things about our encounters… I must say, it’s getting easier. I no longer really find things to read into; that’s why I didn’t even explain what happened last night (what’s the point? details are useless by now). It’s Saturday night and I’m near tears, reading articles online: “how can you tell if a man is just using you for an ego boost?” That’s what I’m starting to think about it. He NEVER calls, he NEVER texts, he NEVER makes any sort of effort to see me; we just run into each other at events, on the street, or at the music school he runs (where I take piano lessons). I know I rejected him repeatedly years ago but there’s no way he can still be afraid of rejection from me! He has no desire to see me. I’m a funny incidental character in his life.
At least your man actually reaches out to you and sees you as a woman.
Hes not reaching out nomore, maybe gave up for good cuz I’m a freak to him. I was wondering why you didn’t tell about the last night in details, tell it. And you are wise, intelligent, beautiful, attractive and have a good career (these are a LOT) and he is aware of them all also maybe awares of that you’re in love with him cuz you can’t really control your actions while you’re around him and he knows it.
Penelope, he might have lost your number, anyway. Or delete it. Just like you deleted his. Do tell what happened if you want to my dear. It’s good in a way that you no longer find things to read into. At the same time I’m worried. How have you been feeling? What did the therapist told you last time?
Malinda, maybe just change your phone number, delete all forms of contact. Otherwise it will keep haunting you.
he has my number – he gave it to his friend a few months ago when she was looking for a keyboardist for her P!nk cover band. while he’s often glad to run into me, he has displayed no desire to see or hear from me apart from random encounters. it’s true that he knows he can/will see me once a week at music school and by now he knows that we go to the same events, but even before i took lessons at his school, he never tried to contact me. the closest he came to trying to see me again was about two years ago when we had started talking again after those 2 years of silence: “come see the school i opened. here’s the brochure with the directions on it.” But that was one time. Two years ago. When we dated he wouldn’t leave me alone; texted and called constantly, needed to see me every day. And even for about a year after we stopped seeing each other, he still got in touch now and then through FB messages. We’re technically “friends” now but he doesn’t even text to say “merry christmas.” I always noticed this and it bothered me, but my therapist always said: “you’re the rejection girl; he’s never sure where he stands with you. and you never contact him, either.” It used to make sense; now I think it’s a load of crap. He CAN’T fear rejection from me anymore. Either he knows I’m still in love with him or he doesn’t – which is it?
the other night i went to dinner with my friend Piero (Who spent our whole dinner trying to get me to change my mind about leaving Italy). After dinner he and I went down to the main piazza where there was a concert. it was a mess; a sea of people. we were trying to make our way through the crowd when I saw F fighting his way through as well. I said, “hey!!” and grinned at him. He said, “Hey!” and grinned at me, too – he stopped and we gave each other the cheek kiss. And then… total blank! I opened my mouth and nothing came out. He said nothing, either – there were a couple of uncomfortable, awkward beats and then he just laughed at me like as if to say, “oh, this girl!” and then he nodded at me and went on his way. like i said, nothing important.
my therapist and i had had a negative session a couple of weeks ago. i was upset with her because it seemed as though she was trying to shirk responsibility for having spent the last 3 years telling me that he and i did have a special connection, that i hurt him, that he still cares about me, and that our negative dynamic is my fault. she denied having said that i might have hurt him in the past (SHE ALWAYS SAID THAT) but she did say he is an asshole and i need to tell him i’m leaving as soon as possible so as to definitively shut the door on him. when i asked her if she thought i should continue to interact with him she said, “I have no opinion.” i was upset by this and we talked about it last week; she apologized for having upset me and wants to talk about it more. I’m still upset, but I’m not interested in discussing it further.
I do feel depressed. It seems clearer and clearer to me that I’ve only been an ego boost for him. When he and I are together and both on the same page, it’s so wonderful… he seems so genuine and I can tell – not reading anything into anything or overanalyzing anything – that he enjoys spending time with me and talking to me. But it always ends there. Hot/warm and then cold. This summer it actually seemed like things were progressing but that blew up, too, and for once I don’t think it was my fault. It always ends. I’m okay by him but I’m not enough.
Try to be indifferent towards him whenever you get the chance to see for awhile and see if theres any different reaction from him. Actually not try it but be like that for real if you think you really can, for example dont reach out to see him at the music school just really be involved with what you are doing, or whereever you think you could have the chance seeing him just don’t look for him. Its to see whether he will react in any way so you will figure out. Just saying it is easy but it would be so hard to do, let him intitate the talk or contact. Seeing someone you love whos being indifferent to you would make you so upset
I really don’t want to play games with him anymore. But I will say that when I do behave coldly/neutrally, his reactions are mixed. Usually he just mirrors my behavior, other times he teases me until i melt. I think it depends more on his mood than anything else.
We’re both Pisces. My birthday is 5 days before his. I’ve told him this several times but he never remembers. The first time i told him, on our first date, he said: “see? I knew we had things in common.” But it’s come up a few times since and he always seems surprised. Last year, I ran into him on the night before my birthday and when it was midnight i told him and he was really warm and sweet. He wanted to buy me a drink but I said I had to meet some people and ran away (long story. This was basically about my fear of intimacy. Plus, he was still with his gf at the time). This year, he turned 40 and I went to his office at music school to wish him a happy belated day (since, of course, he hadn’t invited me to celebrate with him) and i brought him a little gift. He was clearly happy, but, yet again, seemed surprised to hear that my birthday had been just a few days before. He said, “oh, I don’t even remember my own birthday.”
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