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I honestly believe I can help with some advice my story is a bit long as yours as well. I get tired of trying to help others when only to hear them say I do not care in the end but if you really believe there is something. I mean really now today it is about I want I want and no work. I am not saying you are bad what I am saying is if you are willing to do the work I can give you the help you need I gave everything to be with her and I lost it. However I picked myself up working two jobs and going overseas again for her and to keep going. That is love because I want a home. I have a place to sleep but that is not home just shelter. So if you are willing to do this contact me and I can email you my story and go from there. Anything is possible. Really is.
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Yeah, last night was a total bust, a total missed opportunity. He was there and the waitress was elsewhere, at work so i could have just had a nice fun time with him but instead i completely dropped the ball. I’m so ashamed. I think i really jumped the gun, too; maybe he wasn’t even pretending he didn’t see me. I really lost it. I’m angry and hurt right now but i don’t want to tell him mean things, i want to tell him wonderful things.
My friend didn’t help. She thinks i’m just crazy and see things that aren’t there so having her whisper in my ear, “stop looking at him. Stop dreaming” was not conducive to my well being.
I feel so ashamed of my behavior.
I swing so hard between thinking he cares and tjinking, as all my friends do, that i’m nothing to him.
I dont want this love to go away I have been there in fact overseas and I messed up and alone but I keep going on I have a long story to tell but you need help and I want to help you can contact me at [removed]
-Time goes forward never backwards. The clock is ticking.
Hey Penelope! Im so so sorry I went abroad and only came back yesterday! How are you feeling today my dear?
Wow… Well I don’t know if I’m thinking too much myself but, it seems like maybe that night was one of three things:
1. He wanted to spend more time with you and cook for you for old times sake and found an excuse. Then he was drunk, and when you are drunk you are just honest. So he said those things, and the “this is what we needed” could have meant to get closer again. But then next time, he made it sound like something else, because who knows why… maybe fear, maybe regretting have lead you on
2. He said that “this is what we needed” meaning to settle things as friends.
3. Just meant what he said, or the fact that you and that guy stopped being enemies.As hard as it can be and as much as he seems to be avoiding everything, I think somehow you still need to have a final talk. But the way he acted towards you when you tried to invite him for dinner, doesn’t give me much hope. So keep thinking about a way out, a new life, something, so that you can close this chapter. Then talk to him, sit down with him, and if he interrupts say “please don’t interrupt me” and make sure you say what you want to say
Hi, Kaila… welcome back. I hope you had a great time, I hope it was a vacation and that you met interesting people…
Thank you as always for your input. I’m not doing too great right now. I’m more upset, actually, about what I did Saturday night; I think my behavior was childish and tacky. I know that I had been repressing a lot of anger over the way he’s treated me this past summer. The sight of him frolicking with that young waitress in front of me and the way he minimized our fun day sent me over the edge, I guess, but that’s still no excuse. I’m mad that I lost control after having been so good about behaving like an adult even though I felt heartbroken. I was so shocked when I heard that word come out of my mouth! It was the last thing I’d expected to say. I’m afraid that this will kick off another of our cold, horrible periods. Why does this always have to freaking happen – every SINGLE time we have fun together and feel closer, one of us has to wreck it?
Penelope, don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes. I understand how you feel but, it’s just what it is. It’s done. He knows you thought he ignored you on purpose. And maybe he did, so he deserved it. Accept what you did Penelope and don’t think about it anymore. Make peace with yourself. You have enough burdens from the past to deal with as it is. If he does have feelings and wants to be with you in the future, it’s not you calling him “idiot” once that will change that. If you really feel that bad, let some time pass, keep focusing on yourself and relaxing and all that, and in a week or two when you find him by himself, apologize, and even talk once and for all
hi, Kaila. I just got off the phone with my therapist. She had a very different reaction than I thought she would to me calling him an asshole/idiot; I thought she would be angry with me for sending yet more mixed/hostile signals but she, instead, was calm: “It’s neither here nor there.”
I feel a bit resentful towards her; for the past 3 years, she has been pushing me towards telling him how I felt… not because she wanted me to get crushed, but because she was the only one who ever believed in our connection, that I had been and was still important to him. Today I feel like she and I were both the only ones in the relationship.
As for what he told me that night, I agree with your option “a”. I think he did want to hang out with me (why else would he have picked me up on the street and invited me to have ice cream with him?), I think he was having fun, and I think he did drunkenly say what he was really thinking. His friend even corroborated it last weekend when he told me, “That thing at my house, that was all you guys. I didn’t want you to come.” But, obviously, F thought better of it and backpedaled. It doesn’t really matter why. He wanted to communicate to me that there is nothing between us. He was uncomfortable and made up that crap about his friend so that I could save face and not embarrass the both of us.
I see him differently now. I realize how much I’d idealized him. All of his wonderful qualities. I still love those, but I now also see him an insecure, immature being with low self esteem – why else run after a series of young girls? Yes, yes, we get it, you’re ridiculously handsome, but what about a real woman? An equal, a partner? It’s easier to be seen as a stud when you impress a young girl than by pulling and keeping an accomplished woman. Even if he wanted me, he might not even have been right for me. I want a family, I want a partner. He’s at that stupid bar until 3 in the morning every night. What would my life be like if we were together? I’m certainly not going to be out until 3 every night keeping tabs on him!
I’m telling more and more of my friends that I’m planning on leaving. I even gave my boss my long notice today; I told her that it’s very possible that by the new year I won’t be here any more and she might want to start looking at hiring some new teachers. Both of us started to cry.
I do think he is insecure in part. And if we think about it… He hasn’t been going for younger women all the time has he? He did try with you, and maybe other women of the same age. But he was never sucessful, at least not with you. And makes me think what really is in his head.
For one, he was rejected by you.
On the other hand, it’s like he knows you want to get closer, but doesn’t let you. Is he really not interested? Or is he thinking “is this woman crazy? i wanted to be with her and she rejected me, what does she want now?”He keeps running. He doesnt let you talk properly about things. And maybe he is afraid of commitment and doesn’t want to grow and keeps fooling himself that he is still on his 20s by going out with these girls. Maybe when he tried with you he was on a sane phase still
I don’t know, Kaila. We met when he was 35 and I was 30. His girlfriend after we stopped dating was 13 years younger than him. The waitress is 15 years younger than him. I have no idea how old his previous partners were, but this young girl thing seems to be the trend of the past few years. It’s possible he thought I was young as well; this is not to toot my own horn, but people are usually shocked to hear my age – I routinely get told that I look 5-10 years younger, and guys in their 20s hit on me all the time.
Age aside, I do know that I am a different kind of animal than his past (and current) women. I’m bi-racial, speak 4 languages, have lived in 5 countries, have a Master’s degree, and have written for internationally renowned publications. My first book is on the road to being published. He always went on and on about how I’m so “intelligent”; one of his nicknames for me was “genius.” He told me that his sister was “thrilled” that he was dating an intelligent woman “for a change.” I asked him, “You dated women who weren’t intelligent before?” And he said, “Yes. They were all local girls, with narrow minds. That’s not what I want anymore. Now I want a beautiful mind, like yours.” But after me, his girlfriend worked at a beach club. And now he’s playing around with a waitress. Nothing wrong with either of those jobs; they’re just a different breed of girl to me, and also different to what he said he wanted.
Do you know what’s so ridiculous and what I need to stop doing RIGHT NOW? I’m remembering back when we dated. At his sister’s birthday party, their friends were all excited to meet me and I referred to F as “my first friend in town.” I’m remembering the time he said, “I like spending time with you because you make me see old things in a new way. Now tell me why you like spending time with me!” and I replied, “you show me around town.” I’m remembering the time he offered to paint my apartment in exchange for a home-cooked meal and I ignored him, and I’m remembering the time I invited him to my birthday party and sent a mass invite on facebook, to him and only other men, to purposely make him think that he wasn’t being invited because he was special. I did those things because he hadn’t tried to kiss me; I made up my mind that he only wanted to be friends, and then I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to hurt me. I didn’t trust him or his motives.
I need to stop thinking about that because that’s ME, with my problems. He cut me off from inviting him to dinner because he isn’t interested in me other than as a friend. Whatever he felt for me died a long time ago (and who could blame him). What’s left is affection and respect. Me thinking about my own stupid mistakes is just diving into fantasy to stave off the pain.
I’m so afraid that by calling him an asshole, I’ve launched another of our horrible cold periods.
side note: why did I hate his friend? “friend” is a loose term – this guy is the neighborhood drunk/drug addict who haunts the bar we go to. He’s local color, famous for the insane things he says. The regulars at the bar tolerate him to be nice, but he’s considered a dangerous freak. No one is close to him. F even told me himself that they’re not close.
I hated him because a couple of years ago, after F and I reconnected, this guy came up to me at the bar and said, “Hey, you’re in love with F. F says you’re intelligent and funny, but that’s it. So you love him but he doesn’t care about you. It’s just a dream!” This was only the second time I’d ever seen this guy. He said this in front of the bartender. Not only were his words gutting, but humiliating as well. I avoided that guy like the plague ever since. I have no idea if F knows that the guy said those things to me (I doubt the guy even remembered afterwards). F had only seen us interact once or twice. I think it’s highly doubtful that he would have engineered the whole evening just to get me to make peace with a dangerous sloppy drunk.
oh, one other thing:
he’s seen as a stud in this town – my friend said, “That guy has had the most beautiful women in this place.” While we were dating, F said to me, “I’ve never had trouble getting women.” I think I might have been the only one who gave him any problems. And, I guess, his ex recently, hence that crazy scene at the club a couple of months ago. Where the heck is she in all of this now?
The waitress is a really, really sweet girl but I feel low and heartsick. I know I’m probably jumping the gun – just because they’re flirting doesn’t mean she’s going to become his new serious girlfriend – but it’s just another reminder that he doesn’t want anything with me, and I’ve just been dreaming this whole time.
Interesting…… Please pay attention to this bit you wrote on your first message:
“I’m remembering the time he offered to paint my apartment in exchange for a home-cooked meal and I ignored him, and I’m remembering the time I invited him to my birthday party and sent a mass invite on facebook, to him and only other men, to purposely make him think that he wasn’t being invited because he was special. I did those things because he hadn’t tried to kiss me; I made up my mind that he only wanted to be friends, and then I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to hurt me.
(…)
“He cut me off from inviting him to dinner because he isn’t interested in me other than as a friend.”See how it COULD be that he is doing to you what you did to him, somewhat? I know that it might be nothing, but it’s interesting how you say all those things you did in the past because you were afraid and some sound like the kind of things he does.
You do seem like a really interesting woman and you deserve someone that is just like you! Maybe you have tips for someone who would like to improve their writing? 🙂
About his “friend”, now that you put it that way, yeah, it doesn’t make sense at all. And he probably was just saying gibberish, I know a few of those types of people here where I live, and their main hobbie is to just steer drama cause of their boring lives.
My dear… we can wonder and wonder forever. But it needs to come a point when you look at him with a straight face and say “let’s have a drink, I have something to tell you”. And tell him everything. Tell him how all of these years you have been thinking how good you could be for each other. Tell him how you pushed him away cause you were afraid to be hurt, you didn’t know how to deal with it. Tell him why you never approached him again. And tell him that you are thinking of moving abroad or to another city to start your life over, but you couldn’t go and wonder what if forever, so you are laying all the cards in the table.
First, of course, tell him to year you out and not interrupt you. Better yet, instead of a drink, invite him for dinner at your house or a nice and quiet restaurant, maybe a bit out of town so that you know no one will interrupt you and make themselves a guest. If he is reluctant to accept your invitation, tell him it’s really important, and that it’s the only thing you’ll ever ask him. If even then he doesn’t accept it, say that you will be moving out and would like to spend some time or tell him something before you leave.
PS I would love to read some of your work! 🙂 I can give you my info and you send me thru facebook or email or something. If you are ok with it of course. We have been talking for months now, I would love to read some of the things you write, besides your misadventures with F 🙂
Hi, Kaila… sorry I haven’t responded – I went to the islands with some girlfriends for the weekend and there was no internet. It was nice to get away, although I’m still having a hard time controlling my emotions.
Regarding what you said about it COULD be him doing what I did to him, sure, I see that it’s POSSIBLE … but I just don’t think it’s likely, nor do I think it’s healthy for me to keep hoping that deep deep down inside he still has feelings for me. This past summer I’ve been through the emotional wringer; he let me get closer to him than I’d been in years, and then made me feel so utterly insignificant. I need to grow up. Stop looking for zebras when I see horse hooves. Believe his actions and his words; stop clinging to this “connection” I feel when we’re together. It’s apparently all on my side.
I’ve been very down; have been torturing myself with thoughts of him and this waitress. I’m sure they’re together by now. Why wouldn’t they be? I saw how they flirted. If she’s what he wants, then he’ll have her because he’s irresistible. She’s what he wants; someone young and sweet. I’m old and neurotic.
I can’t go through this again – watching him with another woman. I need to stay in Italy until at least December – legal things, and my parents are coming for Christmas – but I would leave tomorrow if I could, job or no job.
Haven’t seen him since the night I called him an idiot/asshole, anyway. Dreading it; either I have to see him frolicking with the waitress or he’ll be cold to me, and who’d blame him after I called him a coglione. Assuming he’s normal, I don’t know how to be around him. I don’t want to be cold, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable with my desire for him. I guess I just have to swallow my feelings as usual.
I’m trying to come up with a plan to let go of him, finger by finger.
1) Give him and the waitress my blessing
2) fully accept that we’re not right for each other and that I made up the whole connection in my mind
3) Give him back the movies he “lent” me 5 years ago
4) Make my plans to move back to the States
5) before I go, tell him that he meant a great deal to me, that I’m grateful to have known him, and I wish him the best in his life.Probably best in the meantime to see him as little as possible, so I can start detaching.
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