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what am i really, really afraid of? he has already rejected me many times and I haven’t died. I already know he doesn’t have a serious romantic interest in me.
my absolute worst fear – the one that is truly responsible for keeping me stuck in the same place for 5 years – is that if I tell him I love him, he will tell me that everything is in my head. that he never cared about me in the first place. that i imagined our connection and i imagined that he ever had feelings for me; that he only ever just wanted friendship from me. that i’m insane.
this terror is directly related to the abuse i suffered growing up. my mother was abusive and my family covered it up, telling me alternately that her behavior was my fault and that i was inventing everything. when i tried to tell friends and counselors, they always told me i was crazy because my mother was wonderful and i was, in fact, the terrible one.
i’ve been in therapy for 15 years. with the help of my therapist, i forgave my mother a long time ago because i understand that she was mentally ill, and that my family was just trying to cope with an impossible situation. my mother and i have a pretty good relationship now and i know she loves me. i KNOW my terrors related to F are linked to what she put me through while I was growing up. i KNOW it’s not rational.
But that’s the terror that has kept me from really being open with him. That’s the real truth.
I already know Kaila’s response: YOU DON’T NEED A HOOK! JUST GO FIND HIM…!
🙂
I feel that I do need a “hook”, though. I never know which F I’m going to get – open or shut. When he’s shut there’s nothing doing. When he’s open, he still shuts me down (as he did a couple of times this past summer – the unreturned hug, the aborted dinner invite). Barreling into his place of business demanding time alone is invasive and disrespectful and knowing him, it would just have the opposite effect. I mean, if I tried to ask him to dinner just two days after he cooked for me and he shut me down, what response can I expect if I coldcock him in his place of work?
What I want is him to come to my house so we can cook together like we did years ago. That is the only fantasy I still allow myself to have.
Ahahah 😛 What do you mean by “hook”? Do you the excuse that you are leaving for arranging something with him? I do think you need it. But you already have it 😛 Not like you need to wait to get it.
That would indeed be great…. Maybe you can tell him in a way he won’t be sure if it’s a dinner with more people or not. Maybe that way he would feel more comfortable with going? It’s really for you to decide. But that would indeed be nice 🙂 You could buy the groceries, whine, put some nice music. I really don’t know how to help you with getting him to say yes to your invitation. If you got his number and called him, what do you think would happen?
Quick Question Penelope, If you tell him you are leaving but you wanted him to know you love him.. if he says he loves you too what happens next are you gonna still leave or will you stay? if he wants a relationship?
@kaila I think he would let my call go to voice mail. If he actually picked up, I think he would say, “sure, good idea, let’s hang out” but then if i tried calling him to confirm, he wouldn’t pick up. That’s what he did to me 4 years ago. That’s what I think he would do now.
@starlight He wouldn’t say that.i saw him last night and tonight – friendly but awkward – and need to vent.
saw him briefly at school yesterday but he was on his way out. he was in a good mood, friendly smiles. i was disappointed not to have the chance to talk to him.
saw him tonight while i was out christmas shopping with my mom. he was with an elderly lady and his dog. he recently got a dog – the same kind of dog that his ex (?) has. when i first heard his friends talking about the stupid dog i didn’t sleep that night. anyway, we passed each other on the street and i got my first look at the little monster. we both smiled at each other and said “hi” but neither of us stopped. for my part, i felt shy because i didn’t recognize the elderly lady he was with and i didn’t trust my mother to be cool. as we got further away my mom asked, “and who was THAT?” I said, “Um, that was F.” She hadn’t recognized him because he has a beard now and he’s let his hair grow out wild. She said, “wow, he really gave you a nice smile!” i got so flustered that i forgot where i’d parked the car so we had to double back to the parking lot, and as we were doing so, we crossed paths with him and the woman again. another exchange of bright smiles but, again, we didn’t stop to say hello properly. we just can’t be normal around each other. i honestly don’t know whose fault it is. probably mine.
got a nice “just get over it, what do you care” lecture from my mother as well.
his mom is dead. it wasn’t one of his aunts (at least not the ones i’ve met). who knows. maybe his ex’s mom.
Ahah 😛 His ex’s mom. Your brain has been working again 🙂 I hope you have a great Christmas! Happy Holidays Penelope <3
my brain is doing something, kaila, but i don’t know what. when i think about him or miss him or feel pain related to him, am i feeling those things for the mythical spaghetti-making superman who swept me off my feet 5 years ago or for the creative, philosophical, handsome, moody, childish asshole i know now? i think i don’t care about him anymore, i go whole hours without wanting him, i think i’m getting over him, then i see him and i can’t stop thinking about him. i’m very confused.
anyway, last night’s encounter: as soon as he saw me he said, “hey! was that woman i saw you with your mother??? i’d only seen her once before but i thought i recognized her…”
the old woman i saw him with was his neighbor. the dog i saw them with used to be his dog, but he gave it to the neighbor.
he’s in a good mood recently. i brought homemade christmas cookies for him and his coworkers and he was pleased; rubbed my arm gratefully. gave me a hug and cheek kiss when i wished him a happy christmas. nothing meaningful or flirtatious but i think i might have a good chance at getting near him for a pleasant social encounter which will let me test the waters for everything else.
Stop testing the waters, just invite me. Why didn’t you do it? He was in a good mood what more did you need?
i’ll invite you any time you want, baby.
joking aside… we weren’t alone. the usual.
happy holidays, kaila. thank you for all your help this year.
Ahah! You scared me there for a bit! Yeah, but it’s good 🙂 Hopefully next time.
And you are welcome. Thank you for being so nice and encouraging as well!
If we don’t talk before, happy New Year! If you haven’t done it, try to write some goals down for this new year and new phase of your life *
the usual self-improvement tack, inside and out. i’m going to be 36 this march and can’t believe it. self improvement includes moving on, looking great and learning to be calm.
need to vent. sorry. i don’t know where else to go anymore…
these past few months, i have less and less questions about ‘what happened’? i used to wonder why he was so weird with me, and i hoped he was nervous due to unresolved feelings for me. i’m starting to realize it’s more likely more because i’m weird with him. i’m able to be consistently friendly but i’m not able to be consistently cool. he can probably smell the crazy on me and crazy is repellant. 🙁
despite this, i think a pleasant social encounter is possible and even imminent – he has been friendly and even affectionate the last few times we’ve seen each other. we ran into each other on the street the other day and he reached out to grab/squeeze my arm, but he was on the phone. we both stopped and stood there in the street like idiots for about 10 seconds as he talked on the phone, not knowing what to do. i didn’t want to pressure him to end his call, nor did i know how long he’d be, so i just waved at him sadly and we both went our separate ways. i think if he hadn’t been on the phone we would have had a nice chat, though. it was an affectionate arm grab. i couldn’t tell if he really wanted to stop or not, though. alas. stupid crap like that. sometimes i can hear you, kaila, in my head, saying, “penelope!!!”
yesterday was awful, though. i ran into his sister, who i’ve always really liked. i hadn’t seen her in over a year and it was probably the last time i’ll ever see her. we’ve always been able to be friendly and warm to each other, no matter what was happening between F and me at the time. i always felt good that C liked me. but when we saw each other yesterday, it was horrible and awkward! she hesistated before coming over to kiss me and she only said, “ciao bella.” She is usually warm and effusive. i was so thrown off by this that i froze. she asked how i was and i said i was great… then a horrible moment of awkward silence. finally i just said, “have a wonderful new years!” and she said, “It’s always nice to see you.” I felt absolutely awful. i don’t know what the hell happened. what a wasted opportunity – it was probably the last time i’ll ever see her and i would have liked emotional closure with her, too (“good bye, the sister in law i’ll never have…”). i know it shouldn’t matter at this point but it does. i want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.
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