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Penelope allow me to talk a little bit about what I’m going thru right now. I feel terribly alone. After being crushed like I was in the beginning of this year, I realized how much I try just way too hard with people in general, including “Friends”. I’ve been going to this group of 4 girls birthdays 3 or 2 times to each of them and last year they didnt attend mine, and I thought ok I didn’t give them enough notice. This year I gave them 1 month notice. A week before the date they still say they don’t know. Think they are gonna show up? Do i want them to show up? Do I want half assed efforts from “friends” to be at my birthday? This isn’t the only case. And seriously I’m at a breaking point where I’m about to decide to clean my life for good. No more half assed friends. If that means I’m gonna have 2 Friends so be it. If it means I will be alone so be it. I don’t need this in my life. And you don’t need it either. You don’t need toxic people OR toxic events/situations/things in your life. It’s been 5 years for you. It’s been 10 years of half assed friends for me.
It’s time we raise the bar and fight for what we deserve in life and to stop settling for less. It doesn’t matter ANYMORE what he LIKES OR NOT. You need to clean this out of your life. You need to move. I’m sorry but I feel this is just another excuse. You can move to the US for sure without a job. I know its not ideal but your parents or friends r siblings wont mind you living with them 3 months even 6 months till you find a job. And as I said it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it.
The only thing you are going to do is sit down with him alone, tell him: hey btw all these 5 years?! I loved you. And still do. Remember when I pushed you away when you loved me? Yeah I loved you even then. I was scared. I’m sorry. I needed to tell you this before I move otherwise I would have never been able to close this chapter. Done.
Nope.
I was going to tell him that I’m leaving this week, but then my piano lesson was canceled because the teacher was feeling sick. So I’ll tell him Monday, at my next lesson.
there are moments where I think I’m over him… and then something happens where I realize that I’m not. I’m very confused about my feelings for him at this point. Telling him that I’m leaving will pull the band aid off and really start the detachment process.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
TELL HIM EVERYTHING. NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.
LOOK AT THE TITLE OF YOUR OWN THREAD.
YOU WILL REGRET NOT TELLING HIM.
JUST GO FIND HIM.
I talked to him tonight. We had a nice chat. I told him 3 times, in 3 different ways, that I’m planning on leaving: he completely ignored me each time. just kept the conversation going like he hadn’t even caught what i said.
No. We were at school, he was at the reception desk, people in and out, some other guy was trying to talk to me. F eventually left the room.
Oh okay. I thought whenever you saw him you were gonna ask to meet up privately so you can have the privacy you need and set the atmosphere and that way not have interruptions like this
Well, I started to write that I don’t intend to ask him to do anything because he won’t come and I can’t take any more rejection from him…. but as I was typing I realized that even telling him that I’m leaving and getting a non-reaction hasn’t given me closure. I thought it would but no, there’s still that voice inside that says, “this isn’t over.” Nothing else to do. Apparently, I need to be humiliated and slapped in the face.
So until I reach that “goal”, I guess I’m starting to put things in motion. I know you’re all waiting for the Big Talk but I’m not a normal person in regards to putting myself out there – ESPECIALLY after the bad treatment and rejections he gave me last summer – so it was a pretty big deal that I told him I’m leaving and I’d like your thoughts on that…
He totally ignored what I said last night. This “reaction” was quite different from two other previous times when I hinted that I might leave Italy. The first time, last summer, before I left for the States, his coworker said, “F, come here. Penelope is going to America and she wants to say goodbye”. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked like he’d been stung, then realized he meant I was going on vacation and asked, “what are you bringing me back?” The second time – on that crazy marathon day last September – he said he might ask me to teach a course at his school next year. When I said, “If I’m still here next year” he got really snippy and said, “well, fine, then I guess we’ll just do nothing since you’re just going to leave”. He was visibly relieved when I said I was just kidding.
But last night, nothing. We were having a nice chat. He was tired but in a good mood; we were talking about cooking and he was trying to make me laugh by imitating a tuba (so silly…). I told him my computer is totally fried and he was telling me how I could fix it but I said, “I’ll just buy a new one when I move” – no reaction, just kept telling me how I could fix it. I tried again: “I can’t do anything with it anymore. It won’t even let me send out CVs because I can’t attach files” – nothing. A bit later, another musician came over to us and started trying to talk to me; F went to go do some work. The musician assumed I was a tourist and asked when I was going back to my country and I – out of force of habit – snapped irritably: “I live here. I’ve lived here for the past 5 years” (I HATE being mistaken for a tourist). The musician asked if I’m planning on living here forever. F was walking past us and I said, “I’m in the process of moving back.” The musician said, “Oh!” like he was disappointed but then he said, “Well, that’s exciting anyway.” From F – Nothing.
I guess didn’t so much TELL him as I hinted at it, tried to plant seeds but still… like it went totally over his head. No acknowledgment. He does that sometimes. He always does that when I give him a compliment, and he did that a lot last summer when I tried to bring up things from when we dated. Things that make him uncomfortable? So either he didn’t catch my hints (which I doubt) or the thought of me leaving makes him uncomfortable? Or he doesn’t give a shit.
Listen Penelope, I’m gonna be blunt and probably rude right now but I’m doing my best to help you the only way I know how to so I appologize in advance.
You already are at the worse case scenario. You lost 5 years of your life (love wise), he already isn’t giving you enough attention, etc. At this point if he makes you feel rejected and gives you a “slap” in the face, what is the difference? You are leaving! Your relationship with him is at zero, and it will be at zero no matter what since you are leaving. Plus, by telling him, there is still a chance that maybe he will wake up to reality and decide he doesn’t want to lose you. If you don’t tell him, the chances are a big ol’ ZERO. Whatever happens is NOTHING compared to what already happened. Just quit worrying and thinking ALTOGETHER and do it.
We are not here waiting for the talk because we want to read the end of the book, we are pressuring you to end this for YOURSELF because we know you just won’t ever get closure in your life in regards to him unless you do it.
That was a weird response from him but again, this is not a time to make assumptions, it’s completely useless. He might have been uncomfortable with the idea and didn’t know how to react. I think that is more likely cause a normal person would ask questions and say they are sad or something.
Just go to the goddamn school at any time you have, any time you know he might be alone, go to the bar, go to his house, doesn’t matter. Just go and tell him once and for all. Tell him LOOK AT ME, I’m leaving. FOR GOOD. I would like us to have a coffee, meal, whatever, choose the place, and tell him everything. CLEARLY. With the worlds “I LOVE YOU AND HAVE BEEN LOVING YOU FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS, EVER SINCE WE MET”.
You are about to leave, this is urgent. I’m gonna hate to see you mad with yourself cause 6 months later, after leaving, you are gonna be thinking what if you had that talk.
I feel like he might be tired with your games and indirect ways of telling him things.. or he feels that you should have that kinda convo face to face with him and really directly tell him you are leaving maybe he feels he deserves that or well he would like that. or he doesn’t care and he is just done and it’s whatever at this point which I doubt cause you guys are at least friends so he probably wanted you to say it directly instead of saying it indirectly like that. maybe he wants you to just be a grown up and tell him hey so I’m planning on going back home.. guys can get tired of playing games.. so honestly I know what you mean I’m like you but sometimes I know I have to speak up and claim something for myself or lose it. so please directly tell him everything. no read in between the lines. tell him I’m scared and I’ve been keeping this in mii for soo long but I need to do this. and straight up tell him everything. make sure nothing should be said in a way he would misunderstand or interpret in a weird way. you can do it! Rip that bandage off lol get hid number from a friend or like Kaila said jus ask him can we meet up its really important and I’m not taking no for an answer. let mii know when youre free right now so we can plan something… please lol
Hello Penelope,
I am new here and I feel greatly amazing for you and extremely sad at the same time. I am amazed because you have 193 posts as of today. Which means more than half of those posts are from people who are technically strangers who loves you and cares for you to share their time and efforts in comforting and supporting you. Add me in too.
I am extremely sad because your first post was sometime in July 2015 and it is already December 2015 yet you have not done what all these people who care for you have told you to do. Honestly, I just read your first post and jumped to the last to see if you have resolved anything already. I really don”t have to read all the other posts because like everyone else here, I already got a picture of the root cause of your issue. The rest are just byproducts or stems or branches of the root cause.
So please bear with me and forgive me if I try a different tact…
What are you afraid of? What is stopping you from telling the guy the real reason why you treated him the way you treated him in the beginning and allow that treatment to spiral into a never ending nerve wracking, emotionally tiring roller coaster ride which eventually flowed into him giving you the same roller coaster ride until it became a chicken an egg thing between the two of you? Why are you depriving him of the opportunity to listen to you pour out your heart and soul while giving us strangers the privilege of knowing your intimate thoughts and feelings? Do you trust us more than you trust him? Are we samarter, more intelligent, more compassionate, more understanding, more patient and more forgiving than him?
Know your fear, understand your fear, embrace it and work on it.
Once you realize what your fear is and are ready to face it and work on it, read all posts here all over again for guidance.
I believe even without reading all the posts that everything you need is already here.
I wish you all the best of luck.
PS. Once you find the courage and only you can do that, meet up with him. Tell him you have something important to say. When you are together just start by telling him this… Remember the day when i acted this way… Just pour out everything and be honest. Be open. Just state the reason for your behavior and stop from there. If your guy is like the rest of us , he will get it. He will begin to understand and see with clarity that all the bad things, the confusion, uncertainty and frustration stemmed from that. With this understanding, all the bad things will be undone. The clarity will hit him like a bucket of ice water poured on his face on a hot summer day somewhere in the tropics. Trust us and have a leap of faith with us. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I promise.
Hi, everyone. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to you. I’ve been doing home repairs before my family comes to spend Christmas with me. But also, I’ve been processing what all of you said. Also processing F’s non-reaction.
I’m so grateful for all of the time you have spent thinking about my issue and for all of the heartfelt advice you have given me over these months. We are all strangers, and yet you’ve been so kind and thoughtful.
Kaila – you are a gem. not only do you always have a tender way of cutting through the bull, but you then are always concerned about hurting my feelings. Don’t worry! What you think is “rude/blunt” is always just fair and honest. And, yes, you’re, of course, right again. About everything.
Starlight – I don’t know if he thinks I was playing a game… I was trying to open the discourse. In general, when someone says “I’m moving”, it’s normal to respond, “where to?” I wanted the open conversation. i was trying to have it. I would have had it. He chose not to go down that path.
HurtingLikeYou – wow. Hi. You are new to this madness, but you really cut through the crap. Yes – it’s been five months since I originally posted on this thread (jesus…). Yes – I’m pouring forth my feelings with total strangers, not him. I guess you can all see why this whole saga with F has lasted 5 years.
You asked me a great question – what am I really afraid of? Intimacy, okay. Rejection, of course. I have an extremely low self esteem due to my abusive childhood. My terror of both of those things are so strong that I’ve ended up where I am today; 35 years old, single, no kids, a walking broken heart. This has only happened with him, by the way. His cold reactions to my attempts to get closer this past summer certainly didn’t help things.
Something that is complicating things now is that I have gone totally numb. About everything – the move, my life here, but especially him. There was a period where I was crying at the drop of a hat several times a day but in the past few weeks I’ve gone apathetic. I go through my daily routine and am even in good spirits. I keep thinking that I’m over him, I think I don’t want him anymore, I realize that even if he wanted me he couldn’t make me happy. That has also slowed me down in my quest to tell him how I feel… I’m not sure if it’s true any longer. My brain has taken over. I don’t even allow myself to fantasize about him anymore – as soon as I try, the fantasy turns sour.
Sometimes things happen – I think about him and other women and I can’t sleep, or I see things that remind me of him and I feel tears start. Is it the hangover of getting over him or have I just buried my feelings for him to avoid dealing with them?
I have to admit, though, that his non-reaction made me very curious. I haven’t gone all evangelical as I would have in the past, assuming it means that he LOVES ME and we ARE MEANT TO BE! But I tried to get upset about it the night it happened and I couldn’t. I knew it wasn’t a bad sign, but potentially a good one that I need to explore. I’m trying my hardest not to get excited about it. But that’s my next step – talking about it more openly with him. Then asking him for some time alone.
I know you guys thought I should tell him that I love him before I tell him that I’m moving, but I actually think that this can work out better for me as I can use it for leverage. Since I announced to friends that I’m leaving, a few of them – men who, I guess, have been carrying torches for me – have invited me to dinner and to lunch, “… before you go.” If I weren’t going, I’d never have accepted for fear of leading them on. But I accepted ONLY because I’m leaving. I think I can get it to work the other way. Invite him out, “… since I’m leaving.”
I perceive that he, in opposition to all of the other men here, puts up resistance to me. I don’t know why. 1) He’s still messing with his
tacky blow up dollex. 2) He senses my feelings and doesn’t want to lead me on. Whatever. But I think my chances of getting him alone are better if I have a hook like my leaving.
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