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I didn’t read all of the posts – this is quite a big thread! – but you seem to be describing a slow burning romance that will last forever, regardless of what you choose to do in the future. You keep loving him after all these years and he obviously still has feelings for you and never forgot you.
The thing is, I don’t think he really knows, and considering your previous actions, he’s content in his current situation – the way he probably sees it, at least you’re on speaking terms and that is a good thing. You have to see that he’s tried for so long that he no longer believes you can possibly love him, so he sort of moved on with his life.
I’m usually very skeptic, but from the things you said, I honestly believe that if you put yourself out there and come clean about your feelings and why you acted the way you did all these years, you’d be pleasantly surprised with his response. I’m not 100% confident he’ll just drop everything in his life to be with you, but something will definitely change in him and his actions will be based on the truth you provided.
What can you possibly lose at this point? Do you think he’ll ever come around a throw himself at your feet when he thinks you don’t like him that way? So, I say: tell him!! I wish you all the courage, as it sounds really difficult. But it’s your happiness at stake and he seems to be worth it. 🙂
p.s. could someone reply to my silly thread? It’s rather ridiculous and I don’t see a reconciliation in sight, but I need some closure and some answers from strangers on this cold wide web could do the trick. 😛
@starlight @malinda No, I haven’t told him that I love him in words. If he didn’t know before this summer, he definitely knows now.
Last June, he invited me to dinner and when I gave him an intense hug at the end, he didn’t hug me back.
Last month, we had this super fun random day where he picked me up on the street and invited me to get ice cream, then got me drunk, then insisted on cooking dinner for me, him, and his angry friend at his angry friend’s house. At the end of the night, he drunkenly told me that running into me that day had been “destiny” and he agreed with what I’d said over dinner about life being “strange” (meaning that it was strange that we were cooking together again after so many years) and that the evening was “just what we needed.” The next day, I tried to use that as a jumping point to invite him to dinner at my house, but as soon as I said I agreed with him about what he’d said about that day being destiny, he cut me off and said that he’d been talking about helping his angry friend.
He never contacts me to ask how I’m doing or to invite me anywhere. He knows I have feelings for him. He can’t be afraid of rejection from me anymore. He rejected my two attempts to show/tell him that I love him. What else do I need to say? What else do I need to know? I was so stupid to ever think that I could have been special to him.
He rejected my two attempts to show/tell him that I love him. What else do I need to say? What else do I need to know? I was so stupid to ever think that I could have been special to him.
Did you say: “I have trouble showing my feelings because I’m terrified of intimacy, but the truth is I’m in love with you. There I said it. And regardless of what you might think of me, I figured it was time to be completely honest for once. Even if you don’t love me back. I’m sorry I only said this now, but at least now you know the truth of how I feel and you deserved to hear it.” ?
I said, (that night in June): “I’ve always been terrified of rejection and love. The men I’ve loved the most have never known how I felt about them. I’m afraid of the life unlived, the words unsaid, the hugs not given.” And, about half an hour later, as we were saying goodnight, I hugged him intensely. Like, a full body, tight, intense hug that lasted… I don’t even know how long. But when I realized that he wasn’t hugging me back, I let go. And he laughed and said, “Breathe! Breathe!”
That night last month I said: “I was thinking about what you said the other night about destiny and fate. I wasn’t sure what you were talking about because sometimes it feels like you and I are communicating on Skype and there’s a ten minute delay [he looked at me like I was crazy], but now I think I know what you meant and I agree with you. And I’d hate for it to take another five years before we -”
That’s as far as he let me get.
Look, I understand why it’s unthinkable to make yourself vulnerable (even more) to this man, I really do. But I think this is something you need to do for yourself. This isn’t about him or what he might say, this is about you and what you need to do to gain control of your life.
From the things I’ve read (and I’m sorry, but I skipped a few pages in the thread), you’ve been stuck, blinded by – understandably so – your own insecurities and fears. You are the only one who can make a change in your life, regardless of what this man does or what anyone tells you.
Yes, you can get hurt and yes, things can go horribly wrong with him. But see, you’re already hurting now, clouded with doubts and fear of rejection. In fact, I believe you’re hurting yourself more with your thoughts (“he never loved me” – seriously??) than with any real words he could possibly tell you at this point.
Don’t wait for a prince in shining armor to save you. You have the power to save yourself. Empower yourself, own up your feelings and tell the truth and be free. If he rejects you (which I sincerely doubt it, but that’s just me), at least you’ll know that you are true to yourself and that is something very powerful, life changing even. It will give you strength to do whatever you like in the future, because for once you are secure of yourself. I find that fear of the unknown is more paralyzing and hurts more than reality. If you conquer your fears, you can take on any challenge from now on. Good luck!
honestly if I was him, the only way I’ll accept that you live mii would be if you just came right up and kissed mii or you told mii “I love you”. I wouldn’t accept hugs or words.. it’s to late for that.. so tell him or show him in a more “in-your-face” kinda way. like I said assumptions 99% of the time are wrong. don’t assume he knows or he got the hint.. maybe he is trying to move on and so those things are going right over his head or he is thinking like you and saying maybe he should read unto anything cause he knows you wouldn’t like him.. you both could be assuming that’s why it’s just BETTER for you both to sit and talk and either get closure or get together again for the long run… so I’m just gonna wait till you finally say here that you spoke to him.. I think we all have been waiting for that since we started reading yoy thread lol. we are all routing for you and wishing you the best and ALOT of confidence cause we know it’s not easy.. rejection is horrible but the fear of rejection is more damaging to you because it holds you from ever moving forward.. and then you’ll aways have that skeleton on the closet of what if,buts and whys
regarding your friend, I say especially since that’s happening talk to him see if he has feelings for you then let her know if you guys become an item.. if it doesn’t go the way we want it then just support her till you leave the country and no need to really tell her about what you guys had.. but that’s crazy that you friend also likes him… sorry to hear that
according to a lot of people – my mother included, as she just told me a few minutes ago over skype – we had nothing. we only dated for a couple of months. we never even kissed. i blew everything up in my mind, then and now. and if i told him that i was in love with him then and never stopped being in love with him, he would think i was absolutely insane.
if really believed that you would not b here on this website… I mean that could be true but your own version could also b true.. but you’ll never know if you do not talk to him. There’s really nothing else to talk about until you talk to him. else we would just be going around in circles… you have to talk to him. regardless of what others are saying. only you know how you feel and only he knows how he feels.. others can speculate and try and help but only you guys can really help yourselves. no one can tell you for a fact that he cares or does care for you except him. so instead of dragging this out just go talk to him! I’m sorry if I sound mean. I’m just really trying to help you see that the only thing to end this is to talk to him.. the responses you have been getting from everyone for sometime now is to talk to him…
if he thinks you’re insane then you get closure pack your stuff and leave but no one knows wat he thinks.. you have to tell him to move forward is wat I believe tho
Penelope…just go with your own instincts because you are the one who is in it all. Maybe first try to distract yourself from talking about it to people and go with the flow, if you can’t help with keep expecting some signs from him then try hard not to see him, don’t go to the places where you might get the chance seeing him, even don’t go to the music school if this thing is really affecting you and your life. Give yourself some space and time from all thoughts and keep yourself busy with some other things.
My dear
1. FORGET what your mother or anyone says about what he is going to think of you
2. It doens’t matter what he thinks of you.
I just came here and read this page. I was so happy with what Malinda teresaa and starlight said, I was like omg, they also think he could still feel something and omg they are so right and giving her so much support, I bet she will feel encouraged now. And what do you do? You find something to hide behind of. What your mother says about it.
As teresaa said You have the power to save yourself. Empower yourself, own up your feelings and tell the truth and be free.
That type of thinking (“im affraid, im gonna hide, he doesn’t love me”) is EXACTLY what put you in this situation in the first place. So, change. SET YOURSELF FREE. And be happy. Whatever the outcome. Things will be better after. No skeletons. No what ifs. No whys.
“What others think of you is none of your business”, another great quote that you should keep in mind.
It doesn’t matter what happened or didn’t happen. What matters here is: You love him. You have feelings for him. That’s valid, and its enough to go and talk to him. And you don’t know what is in his head or heart. And you need to tell him and THEN you will deal with it. Don’t think and think and think about it, that’s gonna do nothing for you. Just do it. Either now before your friend and him get close, if that’s what she is going for, or give it a month tops and do it.
You can do it Penelope. You just need to see it yourself, and prove yourself you can.
I wish I was there wit you so I could help you just rip the bandage off and just have you guys sit. because if he really still has feeling for you, you guys relationship would be so strong and amazing becausee of what you’ve been through and how you still stayed in love and it would just be the best! I really hope you talk to him soon. for your sake and his..
Hi, everyone. I want to thank all of you for having been so supportive to me these past weeks and even months. I know it isn’t easy to deal with me sometimes; I know I swing back and forth, I know it’s like going in a circle. I really appreciate how kind you’ve all been. These months (years…) have been so difficult. Ever since that night with his ex, when it was so clear to me that I wasn’t the priority, I haven’t been able to tell which end is up. It was also a mistake to talk to my mother about it – her abuse is the reason I’m terrified of intimacy in the first place. I promised myself a long time ago never to talk to her about important things (him), but that particular day I was vulnerable and she did her usual “make Penelope doubt reality” routine.
It makes me happy, of course, that so many of you believe there could still be something between us. I look at the things you post on other people’s posts so I know that you’re not just women who tell people what they want to hear. Maybe I just tell a story well or something. But I have more or less accepted by now that his interest in me – whatever you want to call it – isn’t serious. This has not been easy. I’ve asked myself honestly; do you see “that look” in his eyes? Do you feel “that energy” from him when you’re with him? I feel warmth, I feel interest, I feel happiness, I sometimes feel delight and affection, sometimes flirtatious energy, I feel a LOT of nervousness. But I don’t feel love. When we dated, I used to be able to FEEL how much he liked me. It’s never been that way since.
As Kaila said, what happened between us five years ago is ancient history but we DO have a current relationship. I don’t believe that what happened five years ago would make him be hot and cold with me today. I also like something else Kaila said a few weeks ago: “he either has feelings for you or he doesn’t.” That’s kind of a liberating thought. Also a depressing one.
This all said, however, I’m going to tell him I love him. But not because I have any hopes left that things can work out between us. I will tell him because I can’t bear the thought of all of this dying inside of me. I fell in love with him years ago but I idealized him so heavily; he was almost a god, a myth. In the past year, the fantasy has been shattered and now I see the man. And I still love him. I loved him five years ago when he climbed a tree to get me a pomegranate, and I love him today when he showed me how to play the guitar! I want him to hear it at least once from my own mouth; maybe once I let it out of my body, it will stay out and just leave. That’ll be my closure, my real closure. And then I can move on emotionally and physically.
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