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I’m a 33-year-old guy living north of London in the UK and my Girlfriend, 26 of 20 months, who’s lived with me for just over a year broke up with me whilst we were on holiday at the end of November 2017. We got together in Feb 2016 and before then had ‘admired each other’ from afar via social media for at least 8 years. We grew up in the same town and met each other through friends of friends. In February 2016, we just ‘connected’ by messaging one another, went on a few dates and rapidly fell in love.
We were both looking for romance and love and upon reflection were both vulnerable, as you have to be when looking for love, as I had come out of a 7-year relationship about a year prior and she was in an essentially ‘long term friends with benefits’ relationship that she knew was never long term.
At around 16 her first boyfriend caused her a number of personal issues, he was very controlling and caused her a number of personal medical issues which required the support of her family. Her longest relationship was with another guy, who by her own admission ended up being a friend with benefits relationship and there was no real passion – she said that they felt like best friends. She had one other boyfriend which lasted for a year but then ended and she went back with her previous ‘best friend’ and was with him up to the point we met in February 2016.
In February 2015, I found out my previous GF of 7 years (not most recent) had been cheating on me for 4 months after we moved into a house we’d bought and we had a strung-out breakup as we had to sell the house etc. By the August of 2015 I’d moved and was getting on with my life – I really felt like I could move on and (almost 6 months to the day) my now ex and I began talking. Was I over my other Ex? Yes, I think I was but I was learning to live on my own again. We quickly fell in love and it was all going so well. We used phrases like, “you know when you know” about how we felt for each other. We did all the usual things you do in your honeymoon period, – we had both admitted that 2016 was the best year of both our lives. In November of 2016 I asked her to move in with me and I believe her when she said that she was genuinely committed to moving in. I think being fairly naive she said “nothing would change” but as we all know when you live with someone things definitely change and I think this was a bit of a hurdle for her to get over.
A bit of background about us: We both lived very close to each other for the first 5 years of knowing each other in a smallish town of 30,000 people but never really spoke much. Currently I’m 33 and she’s 26 – there’s an age difference but nothing major. She openly admitted that this was her first ‘adult relationship’ and that I was the first guy she’d been with that she’d even contemplated about marrying and having a family with. In my view we’re both great for one another, sure we’re different people but have so many shared interests – the phrase opposites attract comes to mind and we aren’t confusing similarity with compatibility. We both regularly talked about what we wanted from life, we both want the same things – a simple life, shared with friends and family and want this in the next 5 years. We both have good jobs and have a fair amount of pressure to deliver but probably more her than me. We both love each other’s families and we both have good friends (although we don’t really spend much time with one another’s friends). We communicated well and got on so well, but, understandably couple life is different from when you’re ‘dating’.
In this last month, scouring the internet and looking for answers I’ve taken the time to do a lot of ‘self analysis’ for which I might not be like other guys and I’m happy to admit my faults! Without placing all the blame on me entirely I know I came across at times as needy/clingy and that I used to seek validation at times. I get it from my Mum who suffers from anxiety and slight depression but I think that I often over analyse the situation and this clearly took its toll on my ex. I did my upmost to ‘impress’ and, upon reflection, showered her with love (Flowers Friday was my thing, I always bought her flowers etc) so she maybe feels that that’s what she should be doing for me when she wasn’t.
My ex had a lot of change happen in the last year since we were together. She has had to change her diet considerably owing to a number of ‘lady issues’, last summer she had a promotion at work which I encouraged her to take – she initially found this hard to deal with and I supported her no end (her words) but is glad she took it. Her work had a mass cull of staff which she survived but you understand the toll this can take on someone. She is very close to her family and initially I think she struggled with the distance when she moved in with me (I forgot to add I now live about 15/20 miles away in another town which she and her family frequents on a weekly basis although she works in our original home town) and I think she thought she was ‘missing out’ on family life. She saw her friends a little less, albeit being the same distance away, as I think she felt she had to spend more time with me as we lived together.
The niggle: From about April/May time this year (so about 8 months) she’s had this ‘feeling’ inside her that something in her life is wrong. She initially thought it was missing her family – she says it isn’t as she’s had long discussions with her mum about things, she thought it was her job – she looked at moving job but actually she said it wasn’t as she loves it, she thought it might be to do with some of her friends which she openly said her relationship has changed over the years before she met me anyway but she doesn’t think it’s that. Her Mum never said so but there is only one last thing left in that mix that it could be and that was US. My ex is a strong character but I feel she probably doesn’t deal with change in her personal life well. She openly admits that she sometimes feels her mum is always of the attitude “you can give that a go but it won’t work and I’ll be here when you come back” – her mum IS supportive though and has never said a bad word about me etc). Her Mum mentioned to her back in November last year that she needed to be sure when she was moving in with me. “He’s a Man, and this is serious.” I.e. You need to be totally sure you want to move in with him because if you don’t you’re wasting his time.
We’ve been on holiday a fair amount this year and each time after the holiday she’s had a bit of a mini breakdown and in essence said that she thought that we might not be right for each other. The first time in July, she talked to her friend (a 31 year old) who basically asked her whether she did things to ‘test me’ and gave her advice as she didn’t want her to make the same mistakes she had. She said sorry and we got back to being us. At the beginning of September after we’d been away in Venice for her birthday for a week she had another mini melt down and we had some time apart (a few days). She said that she needed to see if she missed me and whether she felt like she was missing out of her old family life – in essence she concluded that she was wrong and said that she was so sorry for hurting me and that she had had some home truths told to her by her friends and family and that she was so sorry for putting me through this and that she’d never do it again.
I have a long WhatsApp message here saying about how we both need to get over our past problems and that she’d never leave me like my other Ex did. She was in tears and sitting on my lap saying that she never wanted to lose me and that all my concerns about being cheated/left/walked out on should go. Her mum said that she felt that she didn’t put 100% into our relationship. She agreed with this as she had the subconscious mind set of a pendulum that had swung the other way – ‘Yes, I bloody deserve this guy and I’m going to enjoy it’ but not put 100% in – as if she’s been owed it for such a long time.
At this point I thought ‘Yes! Finally! She definitely wants to be in my life and that we can move ahead’. She has openly admitted that I support her so much with all her personal (and medical) issues, work, friends and family. She said to my Mum at the end of September that ‘I was her Rock’. For the past year of living with each other we’ve often looked at rings for engagement (most recently a few weeks before the break up). When I asked her after our break up she said that all of the times we looked and did these things were genuine and she never once ‘faked it’ – she actually initiated a good chunk of this and I believe she meant it. I never tried to ‘rush things’ and we’d spoken about our ‘plan’ selling my house that we both live in and buying our own house together in a year or so.
For the next few months we had an absolutely fantastic time. We had my birthday celebration and we did fun things together.
How it came to a head: We were on holiday at the end of November (around the 17th) and I asked her the 2nd day in if everything was ok as I sensed something wasn’t right. She burst into tears and asked to go back to the room. When we got there, she said that she essentially had been thinking for the past few weeks (maybe even a month and a half) that – despite being ok and that she loved and respected me she didn’t think we’d be right long term. She said she has a gut feeling that she can’t ignore and has had it for a while. This feeling is the same one that she’d been looking at a number of things in her life that she thought it might be but can only conclude that it must be us and that we weren’t right for each other.
I was gob smacked and didn’t see it coming though looking back now I feel stupid because, I can see some of the signs, however, when I challenged these they were described as other things. There are multiple facets that I could go into that bother her about her previous relationships, friendships and ‘old’ parts of her life (i.e. her ex is still friends with her sisters BF etc which really bothers her) but I don’t know if these are of benefit?
I had to ask her. Was there someone else? She said absolutely not and I genuinely believed her at the time but now a month and a half on from our holiday I’m not so sure (I’m still torn).
She said that I provide absolutely everything for her and on paper that I’m the exact man she’s after. She said to my mum one day that ‘I have everything I want in Greg’ Tall, dark haired, handsome – great job, great family, everything going for me. We have both admitted that we both have the best sex that we’ve ever had in our lives. We both have such strong ‘chemistry’ – whether we still have that today I can’t decipher but our Sex life was far from mediocre. She said that her head is telling her that she should stick with me. She said that she’s teetering on the edge of going screw it and just carrying on as we are, but she said that she’s afraid that she’d wake up in years to come and realise that this just wasn’t for her. However, as I know women make decisions on relationships based on their emotion, she said her heart/gut is saying that we’re not right and won’t make it long term. She loves me deeply but I guess is not IN love with me.
Being stuck on holiday we both agreed that we needed to help each other get through the holiday. I tried to not talk for hours about it but sometimes I had my own melt downs and needed some space. I did a terrible thing when she was in the shower – I looked at her phone and looked at the messages she’d sent her friend. It still makes me sick to my head for looking, I know it was wrong but some of the comments I still to this day can’t get out of my head and I don’t know if they’re giving me false hope. Clearly there was emotion about me disappearing for half a day – I needed some space and she wasn’t happy about that. The two comments that sticks with me is ‘I know I need to move out – I’m clear in my mind’ ‘But I just can’t help keep thinking to myself am I making the biggest mistake of my life? :’(‘ ‘Time will tell’. ‘It all seems so final’. I feel like I’m never going to get these out of my head.
We spoke a little more. She said that when we first got together, she was so overwhelmed and blown away with what a gentleman I was, that I was the one for her, that she left ‘parts of her personality/just her in general’ that she thought she wouldn’t want to bring along into our adult relationship. Essentially, she said that she’s not being completely herself around me and that she can’t go on in a relationship where she doesn’t put true self first. I did the cliché begging and bargaining for her not to leave me, I mentioned that she brings the best out in me and she said that I don’t always being the best out in her. I’m trying not to over analyse what we said as I know a lot of people say things they don’t mean but I just wonder if the reasons she’s given me are the real reason from breaking up.
Alas, we carried on the holiday as normal (minus the sex, though we did have sex the night before the confrontation). We held hands, kissed a little, cuddled, slept in the same bet etc.) and had a few more ‘intense chats’. When we got back to the UK late on the Friday evening we went to bed and I asked if we were still together. She said let’s talk tomorrow. She rolled over to cuddle and we both fell asleep in each other’s arms.
On the Saturday 25th November (day after we got back) I went to see my brother and she went to see her mum and we met in the evening. She surmised and said that the reality of ‘couple adult life’ (I guess with me – I’m the first guy she’s ever lived with as well as having all the other ‘adult stuff’ to deal with) fell short of her expectations. She came up with loads of excuse, some of which hurt – that I didn’t make her laugh anymore (bit of a lie), that we didn’t have fun together anymore – essentially, I guess she’s saying that she’s fallen out of love with me.
I asked her what she thought about being with another man and me being with another woman and she said that it’d break her heart to see me with another woman on my arm and that at the moment she can’t see herself with anyone else. She said that she didn’t want to string me along by being ‘on a break’ and that she was breaking up with me. She said that she was 65% sure she was making the right decision and 35% that she was ‘making the biggest mistake of her life’. At that point, she packed a back for a week and left. On the way out I asked her, “what if you realise that you have” and she said “well I’ll be back knocking on your door, and then it’s your choice”.
I’m devastated, to go from loving life and having a future together to having the carpet whipped out from under my feet.
Soul Searching: I’ve done some real deep (and I mean DEEP) soul searching, as hard as it is and despite her saying that it’s definitely nothing that I’ve done and I realise that a number of my behaviours that clearly and influence the way someone feels they have to be. 1) I over-analyse lots of things. I get this from my mum. I think I have a fairly high level of emotional intelligence. Amy is the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and I guess she said that she sometimes felt that she had to act a certain way because she feared I might ‘over analyse’. 2) I was (and still am) so in love that I did the cliché ‘want to spend so much time’ rather than the ‘distance makes the heart fonder – despite travelling with work for a week or so at a time 5 times a year – essentially I might have come across as a bit needy/clingy. Looking at my life even more – I didn’t really have my own life, didn’t see my friends as much etc. 3) Sometimes needed validation that she loved me – this was probably a hang over of my previous relationship. 4) Used to probably shower her with too much kindness – always doing everything/buying flowers etc. I know it’s not completely my fault but I have had a look at myself and I’m genuinely trying to be sensible and make changes to myself for the better. I realise I have 1) an Anxious Attachment style and 2) I have carried over insecurities from my previous breakup that I should have addressed a long time ago. Alas, I’ve decided to counselling/therapy and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to work through these issues to make me a better version of myself.
After 2 weeks, she’d only just taking her stuff back to her parents (owing to confusion as to when to come to collect it) and we’ve not really been in touch since (other than to talk about the collection of her stuff). I’m trying to give her some space and taking time for me to get over the initial shock.
It’s now been 3 weeks today since she collected the last of her things (about 6 weeks since we’ve last seen each other, 3 weeks since we’ve text). On the day (16th December) that she came to get the last of her things I text her asking her if she could bring back something that she took which I wanted to keep (a gift that she bought me). She was very apologetic and said ‘So sorry’ etc. So I get the feeling that she realises she’s hurt me and is probably trying to leave me alone by not talking much. She agreed a time and then said “Are you going to be there?” to which I replied “No, I still need some time Amy”. She replied to me and said “So do I”. This was the last I’ve spoken to her. I’ve tried my very best to not check up on her on Social Media and have yet to actually talk to her again but I noticed a few days before she defriended me on Facebook and Instagram (not blocked) that a guy from her work tagged her in a video of her favourite Christmas song to which she liked. On the 13th she defriended on FB and IG.
Christmas day was awful. I work up and, not intentionally, watched an Instagram story video of Her, this same guy and her sister and sister’s boyfriend who were clearly out for a drink on Christmas Eve. My heart absolutely sank. For the next 3 days, I was ruled by my ‘Chimp’ being emotional and despite trying not to over read the situation as I don’t really know that much to be honest, I can’t help but thing the worst. Her sister works at the same place too and they’ve all been friends on facebook and Instagram with this guy for a while. My ex is very attractive and has plenty of friends who’ll give her attention if she wanted. She didn’t really have many ‘guy friends’ that she used to talk to on a regular basis but I can’t help but over think this that she’s in a relationship, rebound or not but for someone that say’s ‘I still need time’ and then coupling of the above actions I’m really confused as to what’s going on. I’ve now learnt that only a few days ago she’s taken down about 10 images of ‘memories’ most certainly some that include photographs of us together – I’ve done the same but can’t help but feel hurt by this. In her defence, she’s not removed every single image of every single memory – there are still photos of when we went on our holiday, just not of us together.
I got no Christmas or New Year’s message though I’ve watched you video and that’s probably because she doesn’t want to upset me. I’ve not spoken to her. Her sister’s boyfriend wished me both a Happy Christmas (he sent it first) and NY (I sent to him first).
My thoughts: Now I’m under no illusion that she’s the only woman for me in the world. I know I’ll find love again but I’ve genuinely never had such a deep connection with anyone like this before. I don’t NEED her in my life, I can go on without her, but I WANT her in my life and I feel like if she came back (which I think deep down at the moment I’m desperate for her to do) I’d take her back but would want things to be different. I understand our relationship would never be the same but it clearly didn’t work to start with so would have to be different (I’ll calm down and not get carried away).
Where I am now: I’m currently trying to go through a month of No Contact (from the 16th – despite trying to already) which finishes a on the 16th Jan (a month after our last ‘I need some time”) so I can get myself straight and get back to learning how to live an individual life (and subconsciously wanting her to miss me). I’m having varied results – ups and downs. I’m taking care of myself, I’ve lost 25lbs, regularly going to the gym and even been out on other dates, and got another woman’s number on NYE.
I’ve started looking and making inroads to doing what I want (and to be quite honest, I’m please Christmas is over so I can get back to a bit of routine). But my gut is still telling me that I want to be with her and that she’s having a bit of an early life crisis and needs some time and space for her to (essentially what I would say) grow up? I’m just so scared that I’m going to lose her but trying to remain positive that I know I’m the best guy for her.
There is so much conflicting information out there that I’m so confused as to what to do. I’ve read a number of ‘get your ex back’ programs which all stick to a similar structure, but there are others which say “no, improve yourself be the best you can and wait for her to come back”. But because I don’t know what she is thinking I don’t know if:
1) She even misses me as she might be in a new relationship?
2) She might not want to reach out to me as she knows she’s hurt me and she’s potentially stubborn?
3) Know if she even wants to see me again – but maybe I’m over reading into the ‘are you going to be there’ ‘no I need some time’ ‘so do I’ exchange I don’t know if she’s just saying that because she does need some time or if she’s kind of copying me with not contacting?
4) Or, if she is in a rebound relationship?What I’m doing now is taking care of myself, working out that the gym ready (and as you said in one of your videos, there’s nothing more that motivates someone than a break up). I’m reconnecting with friends and just trying to enjoy myself (and I’m having varied success – routine will be good for me).
I just can’t help but stop thinking about how someone can go from saying ‘I’m their rock’ to a month and a half later saying that we’re over.
Do you think she’ll reach out?
If you’ve made it this far, I really appreciate it and PLEASE HELP!!
Thank you so so much from a very confused guy!
As per your post you definitely sound like a good guy and your ex is also a good woman. To my understanding and personal experience I think your ex is suffering from depression but still deeply in love with you.
Talking from my personal point of view: My husband is a wonderful husband , never cheats and supportive. Me on the other hand I am always angry, sad and frustrated about everything even my husband but deep down I love him.
The depression becomes severe to a point where I think that divorce might be a solution not because my husband is a bad guy but thoughts of thinking that if maybe I am with my family (mom and siblings) I will be more happier because I stay away from my family and so called “friends” and where i stay I don’t have any friends not even at work. I resent where I stay and my job.Try to talk to your ex and understand what is bothering her and if there is something you can do to help, maybe the distance between where you guys were staying was just too much that she felt lonely. She might be suffering from depression which is causing her to push away the person she loves.
So don’t give up on her yet.
I’ll give my 2 cents.
You did everything for her, she took you for granted and just wanted something else. It wasn’t you, she didn’t want to commit and wants to have a different life where she just goes out and does what she wants without the responsibility and commitment of a permanent relationship.
You are over analyzing your actions. The only thing you did wrong is you cared for someone and wanted a permanent relationship with someone who just didn’t want one. And you couldn’t have known that at the beginning or at the time.
So, what to do now. Right now, she doesn’t want a permanent relationship. She wants to do what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to hurt you but she also doesn’t want to go back to the way it was. Will she change? Not for a while at least. She’ll probably go out with another guy, if she isn’t already, because she can. And it isn’t to hurt you, it is just her doing what she wants.
There likely not much you can do at this point to get her to want to go back to a relationship with you right now. I’d suggest no contact. Maybe she’ll wise up and know what she lost. But I think right now she doesn’t want to feel tied down to anyone or anything. Some day she might figure out what she lost. But it will take time. I’m not sure how much time you’d be willing to give her and by then, you’ll probably have found someone who doesn’t take you for granted. My 2 cents.
Hi
I think besides all of what goes in your mind about re-uniting, please also consider how your family life would be with her…
I mean do you think she is the good match for you to be your wife and mother of your kids ?
I am saying all this becuase sometimes we get blinded with the urge of wanting to get back together and we miss to analyse and understand of thats what we really want ….I am not saying its always the same but i had this friend who had the best girlfriend (as he described) but when they got a baby she changed so much, got depressed and even refused to look after the baby.
Having a baby, family is a lot of responsibility and real hard work.
From what you wrote i understand that you would like to have a family. Do you really think this girl is ready for all this ?
Just some thoughts….
I am sure at the end you will figure out whats best for you.
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