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Hey ya’ll! So I’m going to try and keep this as short and simple to make it as easy as possible.
Background: My ex(just turned 28) and I(24) have been together for a little over 3 years. He had been there for me through a lot, my mother passing away, and we even did long distance for six months during our second year together (he had a business opportunity in another state far away). I thought that might break us but it actually ended up making our relationship stronger. He was an amazing boyfriend to me… always supportive, always making sure I was OK, always making sure I had whatever I needed and he was always there for me as well and I was the same to him too. I had been in other long term relationships but I was never open with another guy like I was with him. It felt like we were both very invested in each other and that this relationship was serious. So he asked me to get a place with him about 7-8 months ago and I agreed to it because of how well our relationship was going.
Leading up to the break up: a week before we broke up, my ex started acting differently. He said he was depressed and going through something so I told him whatever he needed I’d be there for him. I asked if he wanted space, he said no. He had been having a lot of trouble at work and felt he was going to get fired so I thought that had to be the issue. He was worried about our finances. I kept being supportive, trying to make things easier for him all around but then his coldness started to turn to anger, which started to concern me. Suddenly everything became my fault – the apartment was too dirty because of me, I was stressing him out, I was nagging him too much, and so on (he was never like this before, ever). He stopped being affectionate with me, stopped kissing me, he stopped touching me all together which again was completely out of character for him because we were very affectionate and loving towards one another. He stopped saying “I love you” too, which really devastated me… probably the most out of everything else.
The break up: The arguments got worse, I got fed up for being blamed for everything when I was just trying to be supportive and I also got tired of trying to ask him what was wrong when he wouldn’t tell me anything. We agreed to give each other some time and I packed some stuff and went to stay with my dad, who I’m very close to, and his wife who live near us.
Post break up: My father (who was also close to my ex and thought he was a wonderful guy) was just as shocked as I was to see him acting this way. He had read some of the texts from my ex and how angry he was and my father became concerned. My father believes that my ex cheated on me or was having an affair of some sort because he can’t seem to explain his sudden change for any other reason. That could definitely be it, although I have no proof or evidence backing any sort of cheating on his part. I also don’t find him to be a cheater, but now I am not sure… I guess anything is possible.
The first week post break up was brutal. Arguing basically every day and this was my fault because he would say mean things to get a reaction out of me and I would respond back because I couldn’t control how angry and confused I was. I also asked him again what happened between us and all he said was that he wasn’t in love with anymore and it wasn’t going to work. What was even more odd was his ups and downs, where he would argue and say mean things to me one day and the next would tell me I was the best girlfriend he ever had and thanking me for being there for him and how much he loved me.
He even called my father and told him how sorry he was for everything and that he never wanted to hurt me. My dad didn’t know what to say so he just said “thank you” and that he appreciated his apology. I told my ex after that phone call that we clearly need some time apart and that emotions are crazy right now and that I’ll only be in contact with him if I need to get something from our apartment.
Thoughts now: So it’s been a little over two weeks since we broke up and about 3-4 days since I’ve heard anything from my ex. I am completely heart broken and confused and still have no idea what happened. I have decided though that if he did break up with me because he cheated on me, then I do not want to get back with him under any circumstances. I just know our relationship would never be the same and I had planned on marrying this person, which is something we talked about… but I wouldn’t be able to go forward with that in the future if he cheated. I know that for sure. I guess I just want to know what happened, but my father and close friends keep telling me that I may never get to the bottom of this and should try to move on. Should I try and initiate some sort of meet up in a few weeks to try to find out what happened or just let him come to me?
And although it is best that we aren’t talking with each other right now, it does hurt badly that I haven’t heard from him in a few days… makes me feel like he doesn’t care anymore.
Thank you for reading!
It is pretty normal to get angry after a break up. He is processing things, and that may take a while. But trust me, he is probably just as confused if not more than you are. I would suggest doing no contact for at least 30 days, the arguing is only pushing him away anyway.
@ariiiii – Wow. He’s having mood swings and nobody but him knows why. Right now he doesn’t want to talk about it, so don’t ask. Some men go into a shell while they try to confront whatever problem is bothering them. And yet, it’s not a good excuse to treat you badly. Knowing him for 3 years, you know this isn’t his normal pattern of behavior. The best you can do for now is do as pepijn suggested and do no contact for at least 30 days or more. In fact a little longer might be better. It might take him a while to straighten out things in his own head. It’s only been two weeks since the breakup, therefore he hasn’t had that much time to himself. I know it’s sad for you because it sounds like you had a good relationship for some time and now it’s a mess.. I’m glad you have the support and comfort of being with your father. Try to focus on yourself for awhile. It’s only been 3-4 days since contact, so you have many weeks of refraining from contacting him! Be patient and keep an open mind. Hopefully whatever is wrong, he will sort out and then get in touch with you. Good luck:)
Hey guys! Thank you so much @patricia12 and @pepijn for your responses. So update on the situation. I texted my ex to get the rest of my clothes out of our apartement and he asked if it was ok if he was there when I went to get them and I asked him why – he said he wanted to chat with me and I said I didn’t know if it was a good idea considering how angry he’s been. Long story short the meet up ended up being a complete disaster. It started with him being very nice and saying he was still very much in love with me and he gave me a few gifts… both had meaning to me. He got me one bracelet I’ve been wanting for a long time and also a few clothes items that I had mentioned I liked. I’m not sure why he did that? I asked him why he got me the gifts and I asked if he felt sorry for what he did and that’s why he was giving the gifts. He got very that I asked that and then started making mean comments again saying I caused all of our problems. I told him I wasn’t going to deal with this anymore and I left the gifts in the apartment and just left it at that. After I left he started texting me mean things and said that he was trying to be nice by giving me the gifts and that I don’t appreciate anything and just a bunch of nasty things that weren’t even true. I didn’t respond to the mean text messages and after that he said “you will never appreciate anything I do for you and you should know that the reason we aren’t together is because of you. It will never work between us. Don’t contact me ever again Ari” this text message made me so angry but I chose not to respond. I think he still is very much confused and basically an emotional wreck. I’m not sure what I should do at this point… just not respond?
I am just so confused by his behavior. Why buy me the gifts? Why try and be at our apartment when I pick up my things? Why initiate conversation to just say to never contact him.
My father again is concerned and told me his behavior is very unstable and that he warned me to stay away for now.
I am sorry to hear that it went so badly. This is exactly why no contact is absolutely necessary, he needs to get his emotions and feelings straight. I mean sure he was trying with the gifts and all, but him getting angry again shows that he is still processing bad memories. Just try to do no contact, and if he texts you keep it short and precise. Hang in there 🙂
@pepijn he also took me off Snapchat and blocked me on Instagram that same day 🙁 I have no idea what to make of this. Should I just ignore his messages if they’re mean? Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.
@ariiiii – I don’t want to scare you too much, but don’t ever be alone with him again! Your father is right, your ex is very unstable. Since his temperament changes so quickly, ignore mean messages. Even if they’re nice, he turns on a dime and will verbally abuse you again. He told you not to ever contact him again, took you off Snapchat, blocked you from Instagram; so maybe he will leave you alone for awhile. Sorry, but it sounds like he might need therapy. Another possibility of his instability is that he’s taking drugs and keeping it secret.
He wanted to see you and give you the gifts to get on your good side. But as you know, this good mood doesn’t last and he turns on you for any comment you make that doesn’t please him. One thing I know is that men want to be appreciated! If you rarely gave it in the past, maybe bad feelings of you being ungrateful started brewing. I’m not saying you treated him like that, but he hinted at it by his comments. Regardless, he’s treating you very badly and I don’t think he will change for the better any time soon. So again, please don’t allow any situation where you find yourself alone with him. Watch your back and take any necessary precautions to protect yourself. He almost sounds unstable and angry enough to become a stalker..
Thank you so much @patricia12 I think you are spot on about everything! And I really appreciate the advice. @mariahbalenciaga and @patricia12 I have never witnessed my ex do any kind of drugs while we were together but it is definitely possible that he started doing them around the time we started having “issues.” It actually is a very scary thing to witness his anger. I’m guessing that he could’ve done drugs when I wasn’t around but he never mentioned doing drugs. It would explain his unstable behavior.
Have either of you experienced anything like this with a person you know?
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