May 17, 2020 at 11:58 pm #114955
Hi, my girlfriend/fiancé of 10 years broke up with me about a month ago. This is the only time we’ve ever broken up She said she’d been considering it for a while and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore, but she does still love me.
She was staying at her Dads due to lockdown and wanting some time apart, and after 5 days she ended it.
We had a lot of financial stuff to sort out which took us two weeks – we remained in contact during this time while we sorted it all. My Nan then died 2 weeks ago from the virus and I thought it only right to tell her, she was a part of her life for 10 years after all. We spoke about that and I planned to go into no contact afterwards.
This is when I started making mistakes; I’ve begged and pleaded for 2 weeks. I made several calls/texts/emails asking her to give me another chance, telling her how I was planning to make myself better and happier as an individual. She told me that ‘it’s (her feelings) not coming back’ and that even though she appreciates she may realise in time that she’s made a mistake, for now she doesn’t want to try again with me and needs space to heal.
I’m now 4 days into no contact and it’s not got any easier. All I can think about is when/if/how I can try and reconcile with her. I’m not checking up on her but she’s just there on my mind all the time, this is despite me starting running, picking up my guitar again and writing, going on solo walks, and binge watching shows I know have nothing to do with love and relationships.
What makes it so hard is that she’s in a different environment with no physical memories around her, while I’m waking up every day in the same room, same bed we’ve shared for years and also grieving my Nan.
What is the best route I can take to aim for reconciliation? I really don’t want to give up on 10 years of happiness and our future without at least a bit of a fight – but the right sort of fight, not begging and pleading again.
Context (Relationship): We’re both 27 and have been together for 10 years, engaged for 2. We understand each other very well and very rarely argue. Any time we do have a minor argument, we’re normally laughing it off half an hour later or the next day. We never stopped each other from doing anything, never got jealous, never interfered with each other’s plans with friends, but we always made sure we had time for each other. Our shared interests are travelling, cooking, animals, documentaries, and our unwavering support for each other. Our differences didn’t matter, they reminded us we were individuals working together to create something special. A flaw if I had to pick one? Sometimes we both close ourselves off a bit too much and communicate problems to our friends/families rather than each other.
Context (Break Up): Having been together so long she gave me a full explanation as to why she no longer felt she was in love with me. She said we drifted apart, that we weren’t talking like we used to, we’d got stuck in a routine and she felt like a child at times. I know where I went wrong in all this – I was smoking a lot of weed and it made me lazy and unwilling to go out and have fun (when we could), I was more interested in just sitting and watching TV with her than doing anything excited. I’ve been off weed since the day she left (it feels great and she knows this). I was very miserable with my job and brought this home with me a lot, it must have weighed heavily on her. She said we ‘went too slow’ – we were meant to move to Canada in July so hadn’t started planning the wedding. I thought this is what she wanted, but when breaking up she said she would have preferred to get married and settle down in the UK (but she never told me this prior to the breakup).
What I’ve done since breaking up a month ago (besides 2 weeks of begging):
– started exercising daily, mostly running to make myself feel better about myself both physically and emotionally.
– quit smoking weed. I’m not much more attentive and motivated in pretty much every aspect of my life (especially when concerning getting her back).
– bought a car; we used to share one which was hers and even though we’re currently locked down, I found a good deal and thought it worth getting while it was available.
– cut down on video game time. Sometimes when we weren’t just sitting watching TV I’d play video games and ignore her towards the end, so I’m limiting my weekly play time.
Please help me guys, I really believe this girl is the love of my life and I know exactly how to fix it, but I don’t know what I should do to try and get that chance to fix it. As time goes on I’m more and more convinced that I want to spend my life with her, it’s actually getting harder being without her and not easier (probably because I’m not clouded by weed brain anymore!). How long should I go NC before I apologise? I don’t want her to slip away from me.
Thanks for reading!May 18, 2020 at 5:37 am #114960
@mcrphoenix When did you start smoking weed?? If you were smoking it all during the relationship, apparently this bad habit got out of control to the point you got lazy and did nothing to improve the relationship. It sure doesn’t sound like there were 10 years of happiness! Why didn’t you get engaged many years ago?? She even said, “We went too slow”.. Okay first of all, a disagreement shouldn’t be “laughed off”. The issues should be addressed and resolved by talking through it together promptly. And neither of you should have been discussing problems in the relationship with friends! I could understand talking things over with family members, but not friends. Whenever a difficult situation would arise, you could have told your ex that this is something we need to discuss and resolve together!
Not communicating properly with each other, talking too much about your job miseries, your weed addiction, and your video game addiction all contributed to the breakup. Apparently she had been unhappy for some months if not for years..
I’m glad you’re making improvements, but your ex doesn’t want to try again and needs space to heal. You must honor her request and not contact her for at least a month or more. This is the best route to take if you ever want a chance to reconcile. There’s no guarantee she will ever want to reunite, but it’s your best chance. You’ve disappointed her with your negative behaviors and destroyed her dream of living happily ever after.. Right now all the bad memories are on her mind and it will take a long time before she can recall happier times.
Didn’t you apologize soon after the breakup when you were begging and pleading with her for 2 weeks?? She knows you’re off weed, but later on after no contact, you can tell her about your improvements and what you will do to make a possible future relationship with her better and happier than before..
One last thing; Why didn’t you buy a 2nd car years ago long before the breakup??
I understand why your thoughts would be on her all the time, but it won’t benefit you at this time and only serve to depress you more and more. You have control over your own thoughts and you need to divert obsessive thoughts by distracting yourself with something else and take each day as it comes.
Condolences on the passing of your grandmother. I know it’s very sad to lose a family member..May 18, 2020 at 6:57 am #114964
Hi Patricia, thanks for the response.
Yeah I smoked weed throughout the relationship but it’s over the past year – as the job misery got worse – that it got out of hand. It never bothered her prior to the past year, she even smoked it with me at times, but once it got out of control it started getting to her a bit more but honestly, I was being too selfish to change.
I want to make it clear when I say we talked about problems with friends I mean problems OUTSIDE of the relationship. Never discussed any problems the two of us had with each other (which were rarely brought up; again, we’re both guilty of closing ourselves off a bit). My reasoning for this is that I was struggling with my parents both being alcoholics and I didn’t want to burden her with that, but I now realise I should have been more open with her, and she should have been more so with me as well with issues affecting her outside of us.
We should have got engaged earlier, you’re right, but we didn’t and I can’t change that now. We were engaged though and the proposal was amazing (July 4th on a beach in Florida underneath a fireworks display – we’re from the UK) so I’m glad I waited for just the right moment to be honest.
We didn’t get a second car in the relationship because we were constantly travelling and over the past year had been saving for our move to Canada. It was never really a big issue as I used public transport for work and she drove, I barely even used the car to be honest, we’re fortunate to live in an area where a lot of necessities are within walking distance. Now that Canada isn’t happening I thought it’s a good time to get myself a car while I can afford one so I can stop using public transport for work when my office reopens after lockdown.
I’m honouring her request as we speak and yes, I apologised for my role in the breakup while begging, but I want to apologise for the begging itself because this was selfish and disrespectful, although I don’t want to do this until after no contact. Last time we spoke she told me she loves me and that she doesn’t hold my reaction to the breakup against me due to my Nan passing shortly afterwards and a wave of emotions hitting me all at once (thank you for the condolences), so maybe I don’t need to apologise for it? I’m unsure here.
I think there could be a chance for reconciliation – not until she’s had some space to heal though, space I should have given her straight away. What period of N.C. would you recommend? I was thinking 21 days followed by the apology for begging, then entering into limited contact via text a week later and building up from there slowly.
Thanks againMay 18, 2020 at 8:44 am #114973
@mcrphoenix OMG! I wrote out a response a little while ago and it disappeared. Maybe I pushed the wrong button (lol). Glad to hear you weren’t talking about the marital problems with other people. I hate to say this, but when she went to stay with her father, she probably felt relief from the tension of you two living together.
I want to say (although you probably know this) that people in marriage or serious relationships should talk about everything as it creates a strong emotional bond between them. Some people say they don’t want to create worry or stress to the partner, but it’s essential that both be open and honest with each other. But it’s not good to talk excessively about such things as your job miseries and yet it’s good you let her know about it.
Glad you bought the 2nd car, but it makes sense as to why you didn’t get it earlier.
The marriage proposal sounds like it was very romantic! If you two get back together, you need to have a calm discussion about wedding plans and moving to Canada or back to the UK soon afterwards. I’m in the United States and the COVID-19 lock-down is just starting to be opened up with precautions being stressed. Where are you?
You could contact her in 21 days, but don’t be surprised if needs more time to heal. Although feelings of deep love don’t fade away easily or quickly, the damage done by your bad behaviors probably created hurt/sadness/resentments which might take a while longer for her to recover from.. You could also apologize for the begging even though she seems to understand why you did it. At some point you need to have a calm discussion with her about what you will each do to make a possible reuniting better and much happier than it was before.
Wishing you both the best..May 18, 2020 at 10:33 am #114978
Yeah she definitely felt some relief when she went to her Dads, she said she felt more like herself. I didn’t take this personally, after the problems we’d been having towards the end and her keeping a lot bottled up (as did I) she was bound to feel like a weight have been lifted with some distance and a change of environment. I’m aware that this too could pass after she’s been there for a while – she’s staying on a camping bed in a tiny bedroom, not an ideal long term living situation.
We definitely should have shared more and we’ve since talked about that. I was blaming myself for the failings in the relationship quite hard because the root of them, I feel, was my weed dependency and everything else (laziness, complacency, lack of communication) stemmed from that, but she said she is baring some of the blame too because she should have raised the issues earlier rather than when it had got too late. The talks we had (prior to my silly begging) were productive, had I left it there we’d probably be closer to reconciliation but what’s done is done and I’m not blocked on anything so lines of communication are open for the future.
She actually rang me since your previous responded to tell me she’d sent some flowers for my Nan’s funeral tomorrow. We had a brief talk, just a friendly catch up, and I said it’d be nice to see you when we safely can to which she said ‘yeah, let’s see about that when lockdown ends.’ An indication that she’s not completely opposed to a serious talk in the future maybe? I’m aware I’ll need to be calm at this point, so if I’m not and lockdown has ended or eased I’ll hold off another week or two.
We’re in the UK at the moment and it’s probably going to be a few more weeks at least before we can safely meet up and have any further talks about the future. We could meet at a distance now but I’d rather wait it out a bit anyway after my behaviour so she has more space and time to heal.
We wouldn’t go to Canada if we reconciled. She didn’t fancy it in the end and said she would have preferred to get married and get a mortgage in the UK and start a family. This goes back to the lack of communication we were suffering from – she never told me this until we broke up, as far as I was concerned she was happy to move to Canada with me. I’m not going to do it on my own as it was an adventure for ‘us,’ I’m not overly keen on venturing out there alone. If we did reconcile it’d have to be slow at first, but if she, and I, felt like it was working then my priority would be house and wedding. It took the break up for me to realise that I don’t need a fancy life in a different country, I had everything I needed with her right here. She still has the ring – maybe she’ll put it on my finger in the future if all goes well haha.
Thank you for the positive responses Patricia 🙂 I’ll definitely be giving her a few more weeks and then hopefully we can have some positive talks over the phone before meeting in person and seeing what happens, how we both feel. 10 years is a long time and my parents have said give her time to miss you, let the bad stuff fade, there’s far more good in your relationship than bad and nothing that can be fixed (no physical/emotional abuse, cheating, nasty words being said pre or post-breakup) and once she’s healed a bit she’ll be more open to a reconciliation – here’s hoping!
All the best.
May 18, 2020 at 11:09 pm #114981
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by mcrphoenix.
@mcrphoenix Just curious as to why you wanted to move to Canada?
Glad you had a congenial productive talk (prior to the begging episodes) wherein she admits she should’ve brought up the issues that were bothering her! When people bury issues instead of expressing them, the anger and resentments build up one upon another..
It was very sweet of her to call and let you know about the flowers and the friendly conversation that followed is a good sign. Yes, it sounds like she’s open to meeting up with you after the lockdown ends and it might mean she’s willing to have a serious talk in the future too. Absolutely, you need to remain calm and proceed slowly whenever you communicate with her or see her in person. Sounds like you have a good plan!May 19, 2020 at 10:18 am #114989
We live in a small town just outside of Manchester in the UK. Without sounding arrogant, when we were younger we always felt like we were both ‘bigger’ than the area that we live in and would find better opportunities elsewhere in the world. Canada seemed affordable (we were thinking Calgary) and safe, plus we both like the outdoors a lot so the hiking opportunities and the nature aspects appeal to us.
That said, we should have done it sooner but we were always taking trips elsewhere. In 2018 we did 22 US states in 5 weeks (California to New York via the south) which cost a lot of money. When we got home we debated between getting a mortgage and moving abroad, finally settling on moving abroad. Like I said, I thought we both wanted it, but I think she was going along with me more than she was communicating what she actually wanted which was an aspect of the breakup.
Having had a month to reflect though and think about things a lot while being isolated from friends and family, I realised that a mortgage and family in the UK with this woman would be just as good as a rented space in Canada for a few years and not only would I be content with it, I’d be perfectly happy. We’re both approaching 30, the move is something we should have done earlier in our 20s. Sadly, this is a realisation that may have come too late.
May 21, 2020 at 1:27 pm #115005
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by mcrphoenix.
Ok, so since I last posted she’s been in touch to say she’d like to come and walk our dog at some point (he stayed with me). I told her I’m not ready to see her yet but that’s fine in the near future, and I hope that when I’m there we can have a neutral discussion with open minds to which she replied ‘yes, I’ll keep an open mind but please don’t get your hopes up.’
Would you recommend that prior to me seeing her and having this discussion when she comes to walk the dog, I contact her over the phone a few times to just talk generally and in a friendly manner? I don’t want to just meet up and have that discussion without having spiked her interest somewhat over the phone.
What worries me is that she says she’ll have an open mind, but saying it isn’t having one, it’s forcing one, right? She’s more likely to have an open mind if I’ve started reattraction over the phone prior to meeting, correct me if I’m wrong?
Thanks!May 21, 2020 at 3:45 pm #115007
@mcrphoenix You could have let her walk the dog by herself and just exchanged pleasantries. Apparently she’s been missing the dog and wants to see him/her. By saying you’re not ready to see her yet, it’s as though you’re putting pressure on her to have ‘the talk’ when she does go over to your place to walk the dog.
She said, “I’ll keep an open mind but please don’t get your hopes up”. It’s not forcing an open mind; it means she will keep an open mind as to what you have to say, but she doesn’t want you to get your hopes up. It’s simple, but you’re reading too much into it.
Your original plan was no contact for 21 days and then limited contact. Calling her might bring bad memories up in her mind, but if you think you can re-attract her over the phone with casual conversation, go ahead and try it.
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