So unsure if this is going right or not, could use some help :)

[dwayneswampson]

So my ex and I broke up about 6 months ago now, after a close to 3 year relationship. We were extremely close when in our relationship but honestly both of us were pretty inexperienced in healthy communication skills and especially for me – true empathy. We developed a codependent relationship bc she needed me all the time when she was going through some mental issues , and I totally enabled it. After realizing this (we had been living together at her moms place because it was closer to my job) I moved out quickly and although it was the right thing to do I think it kind of screwed up everything. She felt very rejected and I did it in a very cold way where I just kind of cut her off from needing me entirely because I didn’t want to enable codependence. Long story short she felt more and more rejected and I was using other hobbies to escape the relationship and totally invalidated and denied a lot of her real needs.

We broke up for a week last year and got back together and the roles totally switched. Losing her was so scary that I became the needy one and I was constantly asking her how things were going, what was wrong, why weren’t we seeing each other etc. We stopped being intimate and I took that even worse and we ended up breaking up.

I did no contact for 2 weeks, and we started talking again casually and caught a few shows together. She started to get flirty and seemed to be acting like we were dating and I wasn’t ready ( I realized I have a lot of work on myself to do ) so i did another 2 weeks of NC. We have started to really ramp things up since then and talk via text every day. We see each other often now and I have made huge progress on realizing my wrongs in this (and think she seems to have made a lot of progress on her own confidence and independence). We are both casually seeing other people but nothing serious. I really want to fix this and feel like I am in a place where I can but now I worry its been too long and that she has such large emotional walls up to being back with me. I am just trying to have a good time with her and show her my changes but I just worry she won’t forgive what we went through. She says she doesn’t know if she can date again but really wants to work on fixing the hurt between us and finding forgiveness and take it from there. I really want to make up for my mistakes here and know I have what it takes, but do you think this is going alright and worth pursuing? Lately she has been flirtier and has been talking about like past sex we have had and stuff like that, but also seems to be trying to make me jealous by talking about other guys too. I have been playing it cool but I really just want to feel like this isn’t so rocky. Any advice on next steps or signs I can look to that I am doing things right? thanks for the help! 🙂

[patricia12]

@dwayneswampson If you’re both casually dating other people, it seems neither of you are looking at trying to talk through the issues you had with each other in order to possibly reconcile.

Both of you have gone through the needy stage and now understand how uncomfortable it feels for the other and hopefully you’ve both learned a valuable lesson there.. I’m not sure what her mental issues are, but maybe professional counseling would help her. Apparently you pulled away and moved out of her mother’s house suddenly (maybe without fully explaining why). So of course she was hurt and felt rejected..

It’s not always easy, but two people in a relationship need to feel like the other person will navigate with them through any and all troubles. That each will be a trusted partner who will weather the storms and try to make things better. However, if the relationship is toxic or they face almost insurmountable problems, they might decide it’s best for both to part ways. Much thought has to go into this kind of decision.

Although your ex said she doesn’t know if she can “date” you again, technically going to shows together is a date. Texting everyday can become routine and boring over time. It’s better to speak on the phone or in person more often than not..

You wrote:”She says she doesn’t know if she can date again but really wants to work on fixing the hurt between us and finding forgiveness and take it from there.” This makes sense and it’s a good start, so don’t worry that she won’t forgive you.

Your situation seems to be going fairly well, but be careful not to fall into the friend zone. Six months is enough time to approach a serious conversation as to what you both want going forward. This needs to be done in a kind manner without pressure or ultimatums.

Good luck:)

[dwayneswampson]

Patricia – thank you so much for the help. This was really insightful and helped me a lot.

I think a lot of our issues are self issues we we are working on them ourselves ( I am building confidence, training myself to be empathetic, giving myself self-compassion, not invalidating others feelings) and she seems to be working on her independence, emotional intelligence etc. We do discuss this progress sometimes but i do admit I wish we talked about it more. We have both been seeing a therapist over the last year so we are probably in the best hands we can be to make these changes.

I feel like I am making a lot of personal progress on the things I mentioned above but I admit I am still really jealous of her being with other people at times and I am really sad that we aren’t together. This is improving though and I am accepting where things are more.

I do feel like she does want to be back with me but she has huge emotional walls up to protect herself and I don’t blame her. I am trying to accept that she is processing this differently than me and look for the signs that she is giving me chances to show my progress. We are getting dinner together for thanksgiving (she didn’t want to go to her families place and I am not from this country) so I think that is a really good gesture from her.

I was planning on showing her all the things I have been working on, the books i’ve been reading, articles I’ve read to show her how seriously committed to changing I am and am hoping that is enough to help move forgiveness along. When she said she wanted to fix this as friends first she also said “i need to feel like a priority to you because i didn’t in the relationship” so I am trying my best to do that within the bounds o the fact that its hard to make someone a priority when you aren’t dating and are working on yourself.

I think I’ll get there and your encouragement and insight was very helpful, I am going to try to be more communicative with her – thank you 🙂

[patricia12]

@dwayneswampson I’m glad you’re both seeing a therapist to work through your individual issues. I’m curious as to why she doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving with her family, what country you’re currently in, where is your home country, and do you plan on returning home?

She said:“i need to feel like a priority to you because i didn’t in the relationship”. It’s not too difficult to do if you call her every few days to ask how she’s doing and pay close attention to what she says (either in texts, calls, emails, or in person) and respond accordingly.. always being kind and supportive. Maybe even offer advice if she’s having any difficulties. Phone calls and in person meetings are much more personal than texts etc..

I understand your jealousy and she’s probably hurt and jealous that you’re seeing other women. If you’re serious about wanting to reconcile with her, I suggest you stop seeing other women and tell her you want to put your focus on her and your improvements. If things don’t work out with her or she shows no interest in even the possibility of reuniting as a couple down the road, then you could start dating others again.

Sounds like she accepted an invitation for dinner at your place. And like you said, it will be a good opportunity to show her the books and your progress. I hope you give her a big hug before and after the dinner! I hope it goes well and please post an update afterwards:)

[dwayneswampson]

Hey @patricia12 – I am actually an english immigrant and all my family lives over there. I came here for school and am settled here / not going back – all my friends, job, life is here now and I like it 🙂 She is having some family issues – her mother is with a partner who treats her like shit, cheats on her, has a whole other girlfriend and he also had a pretty big part in breaking up her parents marriage so a lot of resentment there- so she doesn’t want to go to thanksgiving because he is there, which I get. I also do think that its partially that she wants to spend it with me because she has gone when he has gone before.

I think you are right about the priority thing. Its a fine balance. We text every day and that may be too much, I think I should transition more to calling and setting up meet ups bc I do thrive more there because I can atually communicate better with body language , mood, tone etc. I think I struggle with that balance though, its like I don’t want to come off as needy and be talking to her all the time , but I have to make her feel like a priority so I can’t only talk to her once a week. Trying my best to feel out how it goes and base the amount off those results/what works for me. Obv the closer I get to her the more I want her / the more I get jealous of her sleeping with other people etc so I have to find that balance.

I went on a few dates, like 2 and realized it wasn’t right for me so I just started being friends with the person I went on dates with and I should be clearer with my ex about that. She is sleeping around a bunch but I think she is just processing this differently / probably needs validation after how long I invalidated her, so I get it. I am going to tell my ex that I am focused on working on myself and never doing the hurtful things I did to her to anyone else, so I won’t be dating while working on those things. I think that will show her I have matured a lot and am willing ot put in the work and take a hard look at myself, and regardless if she feels that or not it is seriously what I need to do for myself. The way I look at it, kind of like you said, I can build myself back up into the person I want to be and the partner I want to be, if she is ready to trust that partner again or at least get on the road to rebuilding that trust – great, we can do that. If she isn’t and I feel like its time to move on I think I truly will be able to, but I will know that who knows what the future holds and things could change and it could align with her again.

My main focuses are to keep working on my flaws, show her that I am aware and working on them, have positive interactions with her where she feels supported and attracted, and start to love myself more than I ever have. I truly believe that if I accomplish these things and she isn’t ready to give it another try, it is her loss and I will be in a much better place as far as happiness and self esteem 🙂

[patricia12]

@dwayneswampson Sorry to hear her mother’s partner is such a despicable person! It must hurt and disappoint your ex to see her own mother put up with him and be treated so badly..

I suggest unless you’re ex is initiating the daily texts, that you slow it down a bit and send her a text +/or call every 2 or so days. If she’s willing to meet up, I advise not to do it too often while she’s still confused as to whether or not she wants to try to reconcile. Being friends with her is nice, but you don’t want to get stuck there..

Staying “friends” with another woman probably won’t make your ex less jealous.

Sounds like you’re on the right track toward self-understanding and empathy for others. Sounds like you also have a plan in place in case your ex won’t reunite with you:)

Good luck:)

[dwayneswampson]

@patricia12 you make an excellent point – I do think I am enjoying the feeling of closeness too much that I am kind of doing it too often. Actually as far as initiating conversation its probably 60% her initiating and 40% me I would say.

I do think with how much I’ve been enjoying having her in my life I haven’t considered getting stuck as a friend. I do try to build up sexual tension and we often bring up the topic of past sex we have had, as well as flirt a bit currently so I think if I did scale back our communication a bit , it would be even more effective.I do worry that she has little room to miss me. Especially if she is getting sexual validation from others, and is getting strong emotional validation from me – and then doesn’t have to be so hurt if one of those collapses, why would she want to change that? its a win win for her while she figures out if she wants to work on this.

I appreciate your kind words, and think I just need to focus more on myself, showing her that we can forgive, and creating more room for her to chase me. You’ve been a huge help 🙂

[patricia12]

@dwayneswampson While she’s with others and if she still cares for you deeply, she’s probably thinking of you just as you probably thought of her while you were with your “friend”.

Everything you wrote makes sense. Often times, emotional attachment can be stronger than physical, so don’t despair.

Thank you for the compliment on my being helpful. I congratulate you on your progress and thank you for being so open and honest.

Wishing the best whatever happens..

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