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I haven’t spoken to my ex in quite a while actually, I’ve lost track of how long it’s been. I’m at a point where I don’t think about her every day, but I still want her back. She’s currently away for the summer, but will be back in the Fall at the start of the new semester and will be in a class with me, so I’ll definitely see her. Within the past day or two, I’ve been wondering if I should reach out to her or just keep doing NC until I see her in class. Here is my previous post from when she first reached out to me before she left for the summer with the updates along the way. I don’t know if her rebound guy visited her yet or not or if he even will, and all I know is that she’s doing an internship.
I just don’t know whats best for me and what’s best to get her to miss me/attracted again: Talking to her now and joking around with her, or just waiting until I see her again so she questions how my summer went?
Thanks everybody!
I read your entire other thread, and I think that it’s best if you let her reach out to you. There are a good many reasons for this:
1. You’re going to see her in the fall. You talked about the possibility of being friends. If you reach out to her, you’ll find yourself going through the nuances of a regular friendship at first (adding on social media, maybe slightly increased contact, attending the same parties/events). However, real friends aren’t going to intentionally do or say things that hurt you. For example, two opposite gender platonic friends that have always been that way can easily confide in each other about problems with their current girlfriend/boyfriend. Since you two dated in the past, these types of conversations generally don’t fly, because they tend to bring up emotions from the past in one person or the other, or both (In theory, you could both TOTALLY get over each other, be just friends, and actually talk about this stuff. However, I think that happens very rarely, and will only probably happen years down the road when you both have happy relationships with new SO’s.) So, if she DOES happen to start seeing this rebound guy again, you want no part of it. Ignore it as best you can (jealousy sucks), and if she has the gall (or the naïvety) to start complaining to you about him, just stop her right there, tell her to “Dump his ass, if he’s that bad,” and then just end the conversation.2. If she actually cares for you, but chooses to have a relationship with this other person, she shouldn’t reach out to you – she should leave you alone. If she reaches out to you, and basically rubs the other relationship in your face (ie: “Hey, would you like to come to a party with some friends and my boyfriend?” That may be a bit direct, but it illustrates the point), then you should leave her alone, and ignore her attempts to make contact. Sooner or later she’ll figure out that you want nothing to do with her other relationship, and may even apologize. After that relationship ends, she’s fair game, but at that point I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting her back.
3. I’d say her rebound relationship can actually beneficial for you (and her), if you have the patience (That doesn’t mean closing off the possibility of a different relationship for you), because it will let her get to know herself better. Different people have different dynamics, and after the honeymoon phase, negative emotions towards him that you never elicited from her might start to surface. She’ll get to know herself better, and she may decide that you are actually a much better fit for her than this other guy.
4. You said in one of your posts that you’re graduating in the near future. I’ve found out the hard way that logistics can ruin a perfectly good relationship outright. You say you’re at least doing one more semester (fall), so you have some buffer time. If she reaches out to you, and the other guy isn’t in the picture, go ahead and start testing the boundaries (Flirt a little. Maybe a friendly get together, followed by a date, and then hopefully another date, etc), because you really want to reconcile before one or the other of you has to relocate. Generally when couples graduate, they do some coordinating in order to make the relationship work (IMO extended LDR’s don’t work; there’s always exceptions, but this is a good rule of thumb). If she agrees to live with you, then that’s a good indicator that she’s matured a bit, has her shit together, and knows what she wants.
5. Some places treat their interns like shit, some boyfriends (“Guy that she’s talking to.” you know, the one that she texts good night to every night) do too. Scenario: You reach out to her and find that she’s changed in a negative manner over the course of the summer (Hopefully she won’t reach out to you, if this is the case), and you no longer want anything to do with her. She won’t understand this, and it might actually make her angry. This would probably clear up any remaining emotional attachment you had toward her (However, the converse is not true), which would inherently solve your problem even if the outcome was not what you were hoping for when you wrote this post.
Other bits of advice:
Do stuff! Do interesting stuff! That way you have a lot of stuff to talk about when the “So, how did your summer go” conversation occurs.Exercise (if you don’t have one already, a healthy physique will make you more attractive for her, and everyone else too. Win win.).
Ignoring her in a class where you would normally socialize with her (Idk if you have a set of mutual friends or not) is NOT the same thing as waiting for her to reach out to you, and will regarded as downright rude. I think this is obvious, but I figured I should just cover it quickly anyway.
Some people are naturally very friendly and cordial. Statements like “You did a really great job!”, “Wow, you’re looking muscular,” and “Congratulations! I’m proud of you.” does NOT necessarily mean she still has romantic feelings for you. It’s hard NOT to be nice to someone you were once in love with (assuming the relationship didn’t end in a disaster, which I don’t think is the case here), even if you aren’t anymore. The romance part goes away, but the compatibility doesn’t. For example, my mother has been happily married for 30 years, and has still been exchanging christmas cards and emails with a friend (who is an ex-boyfriend) ever since I can remember.
Remember this:
You are a male. You are probably far less capable of understanding the emotional motivations behind what your ex says and does (The curse of being a guy), so friendly behavior like I mentioned in the previous paragraph might end up sending mixed signals to you, but she’ll be completely oblivious that she did so.Sorry for the novel, I tried to label the chapters 😛
TLDR: Wait for her to come to you.
Pretty much one of the best posts I’ve ever seen by roar… And I agree with every single point.
Yea, I must say @roarimabear , thank you for that. I’ve been leaning towards waiting for her to reach out to me rather than doing it myself before I saw your response. I also figured that I’ll be cordial and friendly in the class, but won’t initiate any conversation between us once I do see her and if she starts talking to me about the rebound guy, just cut her off politely and tell her I’m sorry, but I don’t want to talk about that.
I have been working out a lot since the break up, been doing things around my city, eating healthier, etc, and of course, I’m doing it for me, not her. I just find myself having a hard time not thinking about her. It’s not in a bad way or one that gets me sad, I just wish she would come back [already].
I always ask this for a general idea even though it’s not really something we can say for sure, but do you think she might come back, even after the rebound?
You’re graduating soon. Your life can go in a million different directions. It may take years, it may not take long at all. She’ll probably reenter your life at some point, although I can’t specifically say it will be romantically.
I have to say that couples that had really good relationships in the past, do tend to try to give it another go. However, people change, circumstances change, everything changes.
I don’t know if this is a proper example of Murphy’s Law, but she’ll likely reach out to you right as you’ve found someone else that you see as a potential partner. This creates an even bigger conundrum than the breakup. Choosing between two people that you have feelings for is HARD.
Yea, I suppose you’re right. I’m sure a lot of good memories will flood back when she sees me. She stopped listening to country music or going country dancing because that’s how we met and we’ll be in a dance class together and I’ll be her TA. Unfortunately, the rebound guy will also be in the class. As far as I know, she also still has some of the things I gave her, like souvenirs, a CD I made for her, and a list of 70 reasons why I like about her, etc. Maybe she’ll come across that this summer and it’ll hit a soft spot.
Do y’all have any suggestions of things I can indirectly do now or when the semester starts to get her to start thinking about me or bring back good memories?
@UrbanOasis Don’t force it. It’s one thing that someone who was a dumper told me forcing anything, even something indirectly can make things worse and I’ve done that myself.
Ex’s do think about former partners, especially if generally the relationship was good. I only have to look at several of my friends…
One who was cheated on by his ex, she came back 5/6 months on apologising, saying she’d made a huge mistake. Another who split as she was away at uni, she came back for summer and it was rekindled again.
I’m no fan of the saying ‘moving on’ rather I prefer ‘moving forward’. Crack on with your life and whatever happens will happen. She’s reached out already which suggests she will do again. Just have your head screwed on when that occurs.
Thanks @ty10 , that’s some pretty solid advice. One of the phrases I like to live by is “Always Forward” and seeing you reply with that really gave it some of it’s old meaning to me in this situation. I decided to go against doing anything other than making the best of my situation and by the time I see her again in about a month and a half, I’ll be feeling pretty good.
Update:
Well I found out today she is dating that rebound guy and probably has been for quite a while actually, so I’m choosing to move forward and move on from her because I’m angry and don’t want her back. I don’t want to be with someone who does that and I’m sure I’ll find someone way better out there, I’ll just need patience. So thank you to those that gave really great advice and helped me out. Unfortunately, my situation just didn’t play out as well as I would’ve liked it to.
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