Boards › Reconciliation › Should I just go back to contact or what?
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May 13, 2015 at 10:29 pm #45748
I’m happy for you Ellie. Even though it doesn’t seem like you’re 100% sure about all of this, I’m glad its looking promising for you. You said earlier:
“Do I need him? No I just want him in my life.”
That’s important to remember. You’re happiness has to come first. You know you don’t necessarily need him in your life, he’s just someone you choose to spend it with.
I know things seem kind of weird right now and some of those break up feelings are still lurking, but deep down I believe this is what you want. I would try to put those negative feelings aside for now and try working on you and him. You seem confident that you want him in your life so do your best to not let old problems reoccur. Hopefully he does the same.
I don’t know if you should try to change anything just yet. I would just test it out for awhile and enjoy your time together. I would make this the deciding factor for him. Time to decide if you can live with specific things he does or if you can’t. If you come across something you can’t live with, bring it to his attention. When doing so, speak to him as calm as possible. Even if he starts raising his voice, try your best to keep your original tone of voice. If he tells you he will fix it, but his actions say otherwise. Its probably time to cut ties for good. Know your place. You’re an awesome girl. Anyone would be lucky to have you. If he’s not putting in effort this time, there is someone out there who will.
Good luck. 🙂
May 14, 2015 at 7:15 am #45771@ellie I agree with KPowers. Your happiness has to come first. I think you should wait a bit and see how it plays out. If there is something that really bothers you then talk to him about it. But be as calm as possible, I know how much it’s hard feeling like this, but maybe try to see things from his perspective as well. Maybe when he said that he didn’t ignore you then he really meant that, but he doesn’t see your point of view. I think you should see how it plays out. I believe that you scared him for a moment when you weren’t talking to him. And if he doesn’t want to lose you he won’t let you go. If you see that there is no progress after some time then you can decide to move on but before I think you should have a conversation with him about it. You should also stop analayzing and over thinking things. It seems that he wants to be around you but maybe he’s feeling too comfortable like this. And that’s why I think you should let him pursue you and realize your value.
I’m having the worst day and I could really appreciate some advice. I had some nightmares and woke up this morning with this anxiety and bad feeling. I accepted the fact that I have to move on with my life and meet someone new. But today I have these horrible thoughts about him that make me doubt all of it. I can’t bare the tought of him being with someone else, in his house, talking to his parents, sitting in his room by his side. All of this thoughts are just making me feel worse and it’s hard for me to control them. His parents really loved me, they were always saying how they expect us to get married and said that I’m a part of their family. It made me feel so warm inside. And I can’t imagine them saying this to someone else by his side. I know that he’s not seeing anyone, he said that he wants to focus on his work for now and he doesn’t have much time for a relationship. But i’m afraid that if I’ll keep not contacting him and let just him do it then it would make us distanced. Would it be a bad idea to call him or text him just to check how he’s doing? Or should I wait a bit more?
May 14, 2015 at 7:54 am #45776@KPowers and @Oshi I see what you guys are saying. So all of this happened Monday. On Tuesday we barely talked. He was working but he didn’t contact me when he got off. Yesterday he was Off. He caled me to see what was up with my parents wanting him to watch our house. Then we got off the phone. He told me his priest was in the hospital but he doesn’t go to church. I believe him I’m not saying that but I know he didn’t go to church for years. Anyways I texted him and told him we need to talk in person about some things and I haven’t heard from him since.
This is my whole point want issue. It pisse’s me off and if I don’t hear from him today I’m ending things.
@Oshi I’ve had that before and it is hard. it is just a dream though. You don’t know what the futureholds!May 14, 2015 at 10:04 am #45793I think you’re being really strong, and like I told you yesterday, I think you’re doing the right thing. Sure, you get power from being able to say yes or no to his plans, but you also get power from initiating things and taking charge. If he gets back to you, it’ll be annoying that it took that long but it at least shows that it was important enough to him to respond. If he never answers, or doesn’t within the time frame you’ve alotted, then he’s not treating you correctly and that should be enough of a sign right there. I have my fingers crossed for you and truly hope that he gets in touch because I KNOW he really loves you. I just think you’re right not to continue playing this game. If your feelings are important enough to him, he will be in touch.
May 14, 2015 at 10:59 am #45796He’ll have to respond sooner or later.. I am just tired of all the games. We have got to be straight forward with each other.
I mean people may look at it as it is too soon to talk or whatever, but me and him have already crossed that “just friends” line. We act like we are freaking dating! So I am confused at to how we aren’t dating at this point! That’s why I feel the need to discuss everything with him. I mean I know that we have to give them time and let them chase us and blahblahblah but like I said that I feel we have already gone way past that point. Am I wrong about that?
I just want to be able to have a conversation with him without it sounding like I’m nagging because that’s the last thing I want to do!
May 14, 2015 at 12:02 pm #45806You’re not wrong about that. I feel like if you were the one giving all these signs you wanted to be dating and he was just kind of meeting you halfway (talking occasionally, seeing you every once in awhile, not pursuing you, etc.) then it might not be a great idea. But he’s initiating plans with you, he’s being physically intimate with you, he’s said he loves you, he tells you he sees a future with you, etc. He has done more than his fair share of things that say this is NOT just a friendly relationship, and because of that, I think it is safe to say you’re past that point. It’s not all one-sided or just you feeling this way. I also think that you’ve given him more than enough opportunities to take his time and chase you, and he’s either taken the opportunities or he hasn’t. Now he has to own his behavior.
May 14, 2015 at 12:15 pm #45807I’ve given him way too many opportunities. Him not responding or taking forever to respond makes me feel like he doesn’t want me. It just confuses me even more. I still haven’t heard from him. I know he is working today, but he can’t text me before work? This is my whole point. I’m not asking for much. Just not to be “ignored”. I don’t know what to do now.
May 14, 2015 at 12:18 pm #45808I hear you. My ex is putting me through an unbelievable amount of games right now, trying to get me to chase her, even though I’ve ignored her for months. She’s pushing me away from ever wanting her back. That’s not healthy for neither a reconciliation or a relationship. I imagine thats why you feel the way you do.
In the scenario he doesn’t get back to you today, before you decide to break up with him, I think you need to be absolutely sure you won’t want him back. If you break up with him and change your mind down the road, you will have to start this cycle all over again.
No you’re not wrong. If you really feel the need to discuss things over with him, I’d do it. To do it without sounding nagging is the trick. It is important that you do your best and try taking a different approach than normal. Try not to make it seem like the past encounters. He may get defensive. If so, then make him understand you feel this talk is essential if things are going to work things out between you two. If he doesn’t respect that. There is something wrong with him. It could likely force you to accept this or leave him. You’re smart enough to know him, and the games he pulls, and I would myself be tired of going through that. If you want to talk to him now, I say do it.
May 14, 2015 at 12:27 pm #45810When time did you last text him?
May 14, 2015 at 1:31 pm #45814I texted him around 1:00 pm yesterday after we got off the phone. It is 2:30 pm right now.
If you could only imagine how stupid I feel. The saddest part about this is, I knew I would have to wait around like this…
I love him so much and I want him in my life but not like this. It consumes my life. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want me in his life, but then why go out of your way for a week to put me there?..
If he doesn’t contact me at all including tonight, I’m texting him tomorrow morning and saying goodbye. This waiting game isn’t fair.
May 14, 2015 at 1:38 pm #45815I am so sorry, Ellie. I’m here to talk at all, obviously, if you want. I think you’re totally right to set a limit and say this isn’t working for you or what you want, especially if it’s “consuming your life”. Do you have any idea as to what you’ll say if he does contact you or if he doesn’t?
May 14, 2015 at 2:13 pm #45819I’m still trying to figure out both ways.. but if he doesn’t I’m just going to tell him that I can’t do this anymore. I have tons of things I can say.
You know, we are told to act tough and to act like we don’t care.. but what good is that going to do in my situation? I love him and if I say goodbye he needs to know why, and it’s because he has hurt me so much..
I’m crying again and I was so happy last week.. I hate him.
May 14, 2015 at 2:26 pm #45820You don’t hate him, you love him. You hate the way he’s treating you. That’s why this sucks.
Cry fest together? I’m sitting here crying, remembering the crap he said to justify ending things. He told me sometimes wonders what it’d have been like or if things would’ve been better if I’d never transferred schools or we’d just ended things then. That’s pounding on my brain right now, just like I’m sure this is for you.
Just take care of yourself, let it all out, and know that whatever happens will be the right thing for you.
May 14, 2015 at 2:33 pm #45822If he’s often not contacting you in 24 hour intervals, especially if his lifestyle doesn’t add up to something that busy, that would concern and hurt me too. It was a very rare occasion if the ex and I would ever go even 12 hours without some sort of communication.
I think he’s definitely aware of his actions. He acts like he wants to be together but doesn’t want to stop playing games. If things do take a turn for the worst, we’re always here for you.
I hope he messages you soon with some definitive apology.
May 14, 2015 at 2:46 pm #45826Oh there won’t be an apology. I can tell you that now. I know he is busy. But he can at least text me. That’s my whole point..
I just don’t want to go through this pain anymore.. this is an on going thing.
I feel somewhat selfish because I know he is busy but I am still not a priority.
I just don’t understand why he keeps doing this to me.. why does he keep hurting me? Why doesn’t he care? Why does he tell me he loves me?
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