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Boards Not Your Ex Should I forgive a liar?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #85213
    Avatarrandom007
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for 4 years now. He is a firefighter and works a lot and is gone for 24-48-72 hours at a time.

    Never once have I questioned on whether if he was actually at work, until this past Sunday he came home smelling like alcohol. Long story short, he lied. I knew something wasn’t right because he got home late, he smelt like alcohol, he didn’t bring his work clothes home, his sleeping bag was still in his car. And when I asked him multiple time throughout multiple days, he swore that he went to work and just had a beer before coming home. He lied, and kept lying to my face until a few days later he finally came clean. It turns out he only worked half the day, and ended up going to the other shifts christmas party and staying in a hotel with his coworker.

    I go so back and forth as to what to do. Sometimes I think we can get through this because this is the first lie he’s ever told me throughout our 4 year relationship and everyone makes stupid mistakes. But then I think, he looked in the face and repeatedly lied to me. He said he lied because he was scared I would get mad. In his head he wasn’t doing anything shady just telling a little white lie, just to avoid a fight. He said he hadn’t been able to sleep and it was physically hurting him and he was trying to figure out a way to tell me. Who knows if he actually would have if I didn’t pretty much force it out of him.

    I know this hurts the relationship a lot. But is this something we can get past? Idk I go so back and forth.

    #85222
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @random007 – It’s something you can get past if you stop reminding him of it.

    #85650
    Avatarmr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 138

    People make mistakes. But when they do, they really should do something to make up for it to show they care about it not happening again. Did he say he would change anything or do anything to help make up for his mistake or does he think you should just forget about it? For example, if the same situation arises, will he call you? Or are you expected to just forget it and move on?

    #86563
    Avatarrandom007
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    He said that all he can give me is “his word” and show me through his actions that it will never happen again. Ironic since this whole thing happened because “his word” was not true when he swore he was at work when he was actually out partying. He said if the same situation happens he is going to tell me ahead of time, and he does expect me to forget it about it and move on. He doesn’t like me bringing it up and says we have talked about it enough.

    #86564
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @random007 – From your other post, he broke up with you in March because you fought a lot about the way he spent his time wanting to hangout with his friends (other firefighters). They are a tight knit group. But you also had jealousy issues. Apparently you worked through it and got back together and it sounds like you’re now living together.

    Recently he went to a Christmas party and drank with coworkers, but he lied because he was scared you would get mad. He should not have lied, but I can understand why he did. I think he wants the freedom to spend more time with his friends, but he knows it will upset you. I think you should be more understanding and encourage him to spend time with his friends when he wants to..

    In spite of everything, you should try to trust his word as that is all he can give. I’m sure he wants you to be happy, but at the same time, he doesn’t want a lot of restrictions!

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