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Boards Reconciliation Should I continue to reconcile or go back to no contact?

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Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)
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  • #113689
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hey all, haven’t been here for a little bit.

    Updates on my situation: Not much, honestly. I haven’t truly kept up no contact, but I haven’t been initiating. However, he’s been initiating conversation with me a lot more. At least once a day unless he’s gone/away/busy etc. They used to be short and cold and he would bring up his girlfriend a lot (which pissed me off so I stopped responding) but they’ve been a lot longer and it felt like old times, and we’d send each other memes every once in a while, even with no response. A lot of “reminiscing” moments, one event of VERY minor flirting (absolutely nothing would have come out of it in a normal circumstance, it’s hard to explain. It’s just minor, trust me.) I’m still unsure if he is with his girlfriend, but he’s been online and playing games a lot more than when he was with this girl, but I don’t want to ask, because it would make me seem CRAZY.

    Very confusing situation. I’m horrible at no contact, I know. 🙁

    Very unlikely, but by some stroke of luck, my parents are traveling to his town 4 states away, which is absolutely insane considering the distance. We have (old) family members that live there (something something Florida is full of old people) less than an hour away from him. I may come along, but I SEVERELY doubt it, because the coincidence is too much and it would probably scare him. And I really don’t know if I can meet him face to face again without breaking down.

    Mentally I have been a LOT better. I haven’t cried since I last talked here which is a huge step in the right direction for me, and I’ve been living my life to the best I possibly can. But I know if I see him irl I will probably go back to square one, lol. Just something to keep in mind for myself, I guess, if it’s possible.

    Thanks all.

    #113694
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hey all. Semi big update.

    I was talking to him today (he asked me about something very important regarding a mutual friend and his safety, it was 100% necessary.) and we got to talking and he talked about a trip he was going on to see some friends in New York (he lives in Florida and has never left in his life), and started talking about how he’s never seen snow, and said something like “i’m gonna see snow for the first time, but not with you… but i’ll take it”. This spooked me so I tried to move the conversation over. I told him that my parents were going to be in a town close to his in February and he instantly got excited. I had never planned on going on this trip because I had no interest in doing so, but he instantly asked me to come and see him. He was being weirdly affectionate the entire time, saying he really wanted to come and see me. I was freaking out the entire time while he was being too affectionate to me so I told him I wanted to go to bed and I decided to calm down on my own. I told him I would think about it, but I doubt I would go unless I knew something good would come out of it. I’m really lost here.

    What’s making me skeptical of all of this is that I think he was drunk when he was talking to me. I’ve known him for a long time and I know what he talks like when he’s drunk. It’s very distinct and he says really affectionate things to everybody he knows when he gets drunk. This is why I didn’t jump at the chance and why I don’t think anything will come of it. I’m waiting for him to maybe talk to me tomorrow and tell me he was drunk and maybe take back some of the things he said. I’m not sure.

    (edit: I forgot to mention that we made plans to see an amusement park in my state a long time ago. Obviously it was canceled when we broke up but he brought it up again saying he still wanted to do that with me some time…)

    Wish me luck, guys. 🙁

    #113699
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @imisshimbro When he asked you to go along on the trip with your parents and come see him, you should’ve asked if he still has a girlfriend!! That way you would probably opt NOT to go. At least that would be the wise decision so he wouldn’t think you accept being the side chick.

    I guess he didn’t stop drinking!! I’m sure your father would not approve you getting mixed up with an alcoholic OR a guy that cheats on his current girlfriend (if they’re still together); by flirting with another woman (you).

    I hope you will have an honest conversation with your parents about all of this and ask for their advice!

    Right now I can’t wish you luck because I think you’re making a mistake continuing to have conversations with him or even considering going to visit him (especially if he still has a girlfriend). Please talk with your parents.

    PS: When you refer to “conversations” does that mean texts or phone calls?

    #113701
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hey, thanks for the honest response.

    I did find out he is still with this girl, which makes this whole ordeal very confusing.

    I’m not initiating conversations, I haven’t in a very long time. I’m only responding to him when he messages me and only keeping the conversation going if it’s important. The topic of conversation before visiting and the like only came up because of an emergency involving a mutual friend, which is now solved, but it had to involve both of us.

    I’m fully aware I should stop communicating with him for a while, and I’m going to try to do so. I don’t think I have the heart to tell him to bug off but I’ll keep my replies short and not open-ended. I highly doubt I’m going to go on that trip at all, as I’d have no reason to other than for him. As much as I want to see him I know it will only end up poorly for me at the moment, so I don’t really even want to go if I think straight.

    Our conversations have been through text.

    #113708
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @imisshimbro Stop responding to your ex! Talk with your parents!

    #113840
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hello again. Been a while.

    I briefly brought it up with my dad but not much came of it.

    A few weeks of chatting on and off, a few soft wellwishes during the holidays, and I finally found the courage to go entirely no contact. I told him that I was still very very wounded from the breakup and it was affecting my daily life so I told him I needed to stop talking to him for a bit. I realize it is transparent but we have always been very honest and open with each other about our feelings. I also told him that the circumstances of us not being able to be together were no longer a thing in an offhanded nonchalant way, but he didnt mention it. He said “I had no idea you still felt that way. I’m so sorry. Take your time and heal up.”

    Going to take these few weeks to kind of mellow out. I think he is too infatuated with the rebound to mention the change of circumstances, but I’m not horribly bothered by it. Just waiting it out.

    I’m scared, to be honest. I love him more than anything on this planet and I know I have made a ton of mistakes in this process. But I want more than anything to make it work. Cutting off contact entirely again hurts so bad, but I think it must be for the best. I’m so tired of feeling down all day about it. I hope this works.

    Cheers, guys. Would appreciate any tips as to how I would go about talking to him after no contact. I made sure to let him know I have no hard feelings.

    Also, I have declined the trip to go near his city. Mostly because it is happening much earlier than anticipated and interferes with no contact. I do believe that something would have come out of it because he’s much more open irl and more available to talk, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

    #113842
    Avatartanda
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 52

    I also told him that the circumstances of us not being able to be together were no longer a thing in an offhanded nonchalant way, but he didnt mention it.

    What do you mean when you say this?

    Good luck starting no contact again. Work on improving yourself first and foremost.

    #113844
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @imisshimbro His having a girlfriend and his drinking problem should be enough to make you run. But I’m glad to hear you’re starting no contact as it will give you time to assess whether he is really good for you. Your emotions will calm down over time and you’ll be able to see things more realistically.

    You say you brought it up with your dad and not much came of it. What did he say?

    After no contact, ask him if he still has a girlfriend! You could also ask him if he has gotten help for his drinking (like attending AA).

    If he still has a girlfriend or still drinks, move on with your own life.

    #113961
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hi all. Quick update. Thanks for the responses.

    I’m not one to leave somebody over a problem with alcoholism. Maybe it’s crazy but I think it’s a demon just like depression some of us have to battle, I have no problem helping with things like that. As long as it doesn’t get too out of hand or they don’t resort to abuse, I’m always down to help. That’s not something I would hate him for. It’s an addiction like anything else.

    I talked to my dad about it but I got teary talking about it so I cut it short and I haven’t had the courage to talk about it again. He knows pretty much everything about it though, even if it’s very broad because I don’t really talk about it much lately.

    Unfortunately I had to extend my no contact (although I think it’s a good thing.) I had re-joined a mutual chatroom that all of my friends (and him) are in, which I have mentioned before. I quickly left within a few days because of his presence making me sad, and he was just saying bizarre things that looked like jabs at me (which was super uncharacteristic). He kept trying to grab my attention when I was very clearly ignoring him and told him I needed him to leave me alone, nothing harsh, so I just left for my own sake. So I’m going for a few more weeks, it gets a little easier each day :).

    However, I think a good sign cropped up? He messaged me yesterday saying he missed having me in the server, and he said he was sorry for acting the way he did, and said he wished he treated me better. I didn’t really give much of a response because I didn’t know what to say. I just told him my only responses are things I’ve already told him. He genuinely “sounded” really sad. He also said a few other things implying he was missing me, which was just super bizarre and made my heart stop, so I just responded coldly. I hate being cold to him or people in general but I didn’t have energy at the time. I let him know I’m sorry I didn’t have any response, and I don’t hate him (which he was really upset about, thinking I hated him).

    After this I told my best friend (mutual friend of his) about this, and she said he brought me up about a week ago while they were talking, saying he felt bad for doing something many many months ago that broke my heart (way before we broke up, I don’t like to talk about it because it hurts to talk about. I forgave him for it but it still hurts. I’m sorry if this is vague.) and was crying about how he could never make up for it. He also said (about me) “she deserves better” “she’s an amazing human being and I’m so mad at myself for hurting her like that”. It’s only odd because it’s been months since the incident happened.

    And he still has a girlfriend. Apparently talks about her all time, which multiple people think is super bizarre. Some people are saying it’s so he can prove he’s moving on to himself. I don’t really have an opinion on the matter.

    The more this whole saga goes on the more messy I realize he is. I don’t have any regrets in still loving him with all of my heart even to this very day, but I can see what a mess he can be sometimes, lol. I worry for him.

    I don’t really know what to do from here besides no contact. I don’t know what to do beyond that. I don’t understand why he is suddenly really upset about what he did months ago, and why he’s telling me he’s sorry for saying things that are making me uncomfortable and upset in public settings when he continues doing so. I just don’t understand this man at all. 🙁

    I would really like some help here. I’m definitely going no contact for a little bit longer so I can gather my bearings because I’m super frustrated at this point.

    #113963
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @imisshimbro Sorry, but I think you’re living in fantasy land. This has been a long distant thing, you only met in person once, and HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! You seem very weak if you can’t even talk with your own father about the situation. And you’re weak in not understanding the downside of his character. Only a guy with low morals would flatter you and at the same time be with another woman.

    You won’t say what he did to break your heart before the breakup that still hurts, but letting us know what it was, would give us more insight. I suspect he cheated on you by having sex with someone, but of course I don’t know for sure. Yet, there’s no doubt he’s having sex with his new girlfriend. You are wasting precious time out of your life by obsessing about this guy!

    I think you should stop spending so much time in chat rooms and get out into the real world. Focus on your online studies and start dating nearby nice guys!

    #113964
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    I don’t see how calling me “weak” because I struggle to tell my father about this situation is helpful or insightful. I get upset talking about it half the time, I only post here when I’m in a good state of mind. It’s a whole other animal when it comes to the anonymity of the internet, too. I don’t see how calling me “weak” for “misunderstanding his character” is insightful either. And no, he did not cheat on me. It’s hard to explain, but it’s not that.

    Yeah sure I’m wasting time because I’m heartbroken and was invested into something I deeply cared about. I can definitely just stop emotions on the spot. I also do get out into the real world, funny enough. I just have friends online who I like to keep in touch with who mean a lot to me because I don’t care about the barrier of a screen. I did try dating other guys and all of them sucked, so there’s that.

    But yeah thanks for assuming. Don’t think I’ll follow up since it seems I’m in fantasy land or whatever.

    #113966
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2717

    @imisshimbro Sorry for assuming, but I do feel sorry for you. He’s with someone else now even though he continues to string you along and he’s hurt you. How much more are you willing to put up with? You dated a few guys who sucked, but if you continue to date others, you will eventually find one who is great and would never hurt you in any way.. Please don’t give up. And when you date someone, don’t compare him to your ex..IE: Choose wisely and give them a chance.

Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)
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