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My loving girlfriend of four months broke up with me a couple weeks ago. An hour after texting about our plans for the night, she calls me hysterically crying about how she couldn’t eat her cereal. Then the conversation lead to the break up.
I’m pretty devastated. I did reading. I’m trying the no contact rule (more on that in a bit). We spent that weekend arguing about what happened with me being desperate. She said she didn’t have the energy, felt like a fraud (and guilty in the relationship), wanted more time and is supposed to be alone if she wants to salvage her life.
Now a bit of back ground for her: she has ocd and is depressed. Her work life has been awful as a first year in her field. I’ve been supportive and loving.
I literally got broken up with due to depression.
A couple days later, after reading this website and going go therapy. I decided to let her know I need space for myself. She texted how she didn’t want to lose me, she loved me. Hours later, she said she messed up a really good thing and loves me. I call her that night and the week goes well. We’re texting. She’s sending her I love you with her little emojis. Good morning good night texts. Heck, Saturday I was going to take her out for her birthday to a play. She mentioned how she loves me and misses me a lot. But she hates her life and wants to crawl in a hole for a month.
On Monday, I made the terrible mistake of saying I’m glad we’re together again. She said no, I am alone. I got mad. We argued the next morning, I was going on about how she sent me those things and she said I misinterpreted it. She said that’s how she feels.
I later called her the Tuesday, because I was sorry for what I said and done. I wanted to support her and I don’t want to cut her out of my life. She said while she’s angry, she’ll forgive me.
Wednesday was her birthday. I texted her happy birthday, she said thanks. I asked if we were good she said yup, we’re fine! I said I didn’t Want to lose her forever, and she said no no it’s fine.
After that, I deleted the texts and her contact (although I texted the number to my sister). My therapist said give her a couple of weeks.
I also gained insight on depression: how when life becomes too much, they tend to shut themselves inwards because they can’t handle it all. That’s what happened to me.
I’ve done some soul searching. I know I want to support her, but it’s going to take time if I want to date her again.
So, any comments and suggestions? I’m trying my best.
Thank you all for the read.
@DepressionWon How did you display desperation? Why argue about it.. you could have just discussed it calmly. Anyway, sounds like she’s depressed and doesn’t want the “relationship” to continue for the time being. She sent you loving texts, but I think it was meant as she still loves you, but just can’t handle a a relationship right now along with working difficulties. Sounds like she wanted you to be more understanding and supportive. But instead of accepting that, on Monday she said she’s alone, you got mad and argued (again). You called her on Tuesday to apologize and she accepted it by saying she’s angry, but will forgive you.
Then “Wednesday was her birthday. I texted her happy birthday, she said thanks. I asked if we were good she said yup, we’re fine! I said I didn’t Want to lose her forever, and she said no no it’s fine.”
No contact would seem to make sense now as she is okay with you, but maybe not willing to date you while she’s struggling through her depression. I hope you suggested she seek therapy, but if not, I don’t think it’s the right time to do that so soon after an argument. IE: Leave well enough alone for now as your therapist suggested.
I suggest you try and be more understanding of her depression and don’t force yourself on her by trying to reunite in a romantic way any time soon.
Asking her out to see a play would have been a good thing if you had asked her prior to Monday. If she had accepted, even though she broke up with you, it would have been a fun time together without any romantic implications..
Thank you for the reply.
For the desperatation: I mean crying, begging, trying to bargain. It wasn’t pretty.
She is seeing a therapist and has for four years.
I feel so awful still for getting mad at her. That was the worst thing I’ve done. I want to text her so badly and tell her I’ll be there for her and that I won’t push anything romantically until she feels ready, if ever.
I know that if I want to see her again as a partner, it would take quite a bit of time and out of my control. That said, I don’t want to cut her out of my life completely. We have feelings for each other.
@DepressionWon Your crying and begging wasn’t good, but it’s understandable.
You wrote:”I want to text her so badly and tell her I’ll be there for her and that I won’t push anything romantically until she feels ready, if ever.” That sounds like a good thing to tell her. Just take things slowly and enjoy fun times together if she agrees to date you again.
Good luck:)
It’s clear that when you two are emotional, your communication suffers. I think you are both in rough emotional places, so given time, it wouldn’t be crazy to get back together. But you need time. You will need at least a month of no contact, maybe more. Right now, your emotions run high, the love seems exciting, but it’s passionate, it’s a chase. Is it logical? On her side, she sees you as a source of instability for her. She broke up with you in a fit of depression, and when she needed space to realize the rashness of the decision, you pursued, allowing her to attribute that depression to you. You clearly both have strong feelings for each other, but also strong feelings against each other. Give it at least a month, enough time that you are certain you can talk to her without unwanted emotion. Then, text her and check up on her about her health in a kind, friendly way. Please wait though. I know how awfully hard it is, but it’s the only way in this situation. I’ve been in her position, I’m a girl with OCD and depression, and I probably understand her side pretty well.
Hi, I think you need to stop texting her until she comes to you. You have read all the stuff online about not being pushy and you seem to have a good grasp of it. My ex is also depressed and I am trying to get her so I can relate. She doesn’t respond well to “I love you, I miss you, I don’t want to lose you” comments BECAUSE she is someone who suffers with depression, extreme emotions like this tip them over the edge and they don’t know where they are at.
Stop being forceful, wait for her to message you for 30 days, and when she does and I’m confident she will, remain as casual as possible with her. Show some emotion, but not too much at all, it’s important you keep your feelings towards her neutral at this stage at least.
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