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Hey all and Kevin, Hope everyone is well 😀
I am 19 and my ex is 18, I was in a long distance relationship that lasted for 3 months and during that time, of course we had little arguments, that now I have forgotten about. but so many good times and being the type of person I am that is the only thing I see which can sometimes be a bad thing. She saw the bad and I think that sadly was the problem.
We kept relying on each other to fix are problems and now I know is a very unhealthy thing to do in a relationship. When you should be the person to help yourself.
She broke up with me over a week ago and the reason was that she said that I was unmotivated to change and that I was much like her. I then begged for her back, which at the time I didn’t think I was doing, just being a broken fool I guess. She told me to stop and I still carried on saying “I love you” and bring up the relationship and she said that she just wanted to be friends right now. Now I have left her really hurt which I never meant to do and now I am living with that regret.
Now I have just started NC currently only on Day 2, I have been trying to get her off my mind by going out on long bike rides and doing jobs around the house and looking for work and she thankfully hasn’t contacted me. I hope that continues and that she can look over the fact I hurt her so badly after we broke up.
If anyone could share some of their opinions about this that would be very kind.
She said you’re unmotivated to change in what way? And how could you fix each others problems? What kind of problems? Three months is a short time and wonder why there would be arguments? Early in a relationship is called the honeymoon phase because it’s a happy time of getting to know each other. Try not to have regrets. Just improve yourself in whatever ways that made her unhappy during the 3 months and getting a job or going to college would be a step in the right direction. Focus on other things for now and get in touch with her later.
Thank you for the reply I will take that advice on board and continue looking for work and get in touch with her later, And regarding the problems the issue is mainly the Depression that she has and it is affecting the way I act coursing the arguments. I know it is difficult living with Depression and it is very hard thing to deal with in a relationship because one trigger word as such can start it all off. She also believes that I have depression aswell.
and another thing what would you recommend me saying to her when I/she gets back in touch. Say about what I am doing now with my life? or follow the NC like “Hey, I just watched x-men apocalypse A. It reminded me of you and how much you love it. It made such a smile on my face”
You say it was a long distance relationship. How far apart are you and have you ever met in person? Do you live at home with your parents? How about the depression, both hers and yours. Have either of you sought counseling?
My advice would be to get busy going on interviews and get a job as soon as you can. Actually I think it will help your depression a little as it would give you more to do and to focus on. It would perhaps alleviate the time you’re idle and thinking too much about negative things. When she or you get back in touch, keep it light and happy with no comments about the past. At that time you could let her know about the new job too. See where it goes and if she has some nice things to say, then remind her of the x-men thing.
Well, I am from The UK and she is from New Zealand so very far away. We were planning to meet in about a year or two. Yes, I still live with my parents, no neither of us have ever had counseling her parents don’t accept that she does have Depression and my depression is simply because I don’t have a job so as soon as I get one I will be fine.
It’s maybe a phase that is she going through, maybe she thinks that a realtionship nearby would be better than a distance relationship, but from my POV -it’s work better for you if it is that way.
A rebound relationship with a lot of human interaction , will definetly trigger some “missing you” buttons heavily in her brain, especially if she’s the kind of person that needs space.Meanwhile, peace
So I just had a message from my ex’s just saying “hi” I dont know what to do, Should I say something like “Sorry I have not being in contact with you for a while I thought the space would be better for us both.
How are you?”So she called me and I fell for the mistake of answering the call I told her that it was best to keep the space between us and she said “It is best because I just hurt people” acting very depressed. I don’t know what to think is this a act for attention or is she truly feeling this way. It was only a 5min call because she had to go off but that is the thing I think she is starting to miss me? because it certainly seems that way.
She was also saying that she cry’s herself to sleep every night.
Was it an email or text? It’s a good sign that she reached out to you first. You could write back something like, “Nice to hear from you and I hope all is well”. You could add that you’re looking for a job. The first comment she made during the phone call about hurting people, could be depression talking and how she feels about herself. Or maybe she felt hurt because you said it’s best to keep space. The comment about crying herself to sleep could also be depression or that she misses you and cries. I would suggest not contacting her for awhile, but whenever she contacts you first, don’t cut her off. Just listen to what she has to say and be understanding. Maybe ask her what she’s been doing lately and let her know good thing about yourself and what you’ve been doing. Maybe mention the x-men thing too. Take care and good luck finding a job:)
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