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Hey guys, thanks for taking the time to read this. I will try to keep the break up background as concise as possible. My gf broke up with me almost a month ago over the phone. We lived together (at university) and had a beautiful, deep relationship but started to fight a bit for the last 2 months. In my opinion, we were doing a lot better and she as acting as if everything was great again. We live 2 hours away and had to go home for summer break. First few days she told me how much she missed me, loved me, couldn’t wait to see me, but then she VERY randomly changed. She took a few days to think and then called me and broke up with me. She told me I was the best she’s been with, thanked me for everything, and said she still loves me and WANTS to be with me but she can’t. She said she needed to work on herself and that the spark wasn’t there anymore and she thought the fighting “ruined” our foundation. I disagreed and was heartbroken, but I didn’t beg and tried to accept it. She assured me multiple times it was not because she met someone else. There are some more details, but that’s the summary.
I contacted her 3 days after the break up, but since then have been doing NC for almost a month. In that time we have unfollowed each other on social media and deleted most pictures of each other. She has contacted me directly and indirectly a few times. She texted me a few weeks ago asking if I was in a relationship (obviously not) and when I didn’t respond she asked a mutual friend. I also changed my hairstyle very drastically and I posted a picture on instagram which she “liked” and commented on (keep in mind…she doesn’t follow me which means she stalks my social media. Weird, I know). She also called a mutual friend and asked how I was and about my hair.
I have been trying to stay very positive and change my life for the better. I really loved her and it was a great loss for me but I feel as if I am pulling through well even though it hurts. I feel as if she is confused and is playing little mind games to keep me strung along from the things I mentioned above. I assumed this just meant she is holding onto feelings even though she is the one who ended things, and she doesn’t want to see me move on.
Here’s what I need help with:
The other day her and a mutual friend hung out because he was about to leave for the Navy. He was telling her that I was handling things okay even though I’m really hurt and that I am trying to use this to move forward in my life. She gave him a message to give to me.
She told him to specifically tell me she is moving onto other people and going on dates (it really hasn’t been that long), she still loves/ cares about me and always will, and that she loved me a lot but was never in love with me.
I have no idea why she would tell someone else to tell me this. It is pouring salt into an open wound and is so unnecessary in my opinion. This is something you tell someone directly and I see no reason she would say this other than to get a rise out of me. What she said in general is a bit contradictory and makes no sense. She told me many times while we were together that she was in love with me and her actions showed it. Ours was her most serious relationship and she constantly told me she couldn’t have what we have with someone else and that if we ever broke up she would have to wait a long time to start dating again. And why would she add in that she’ll always love me? I just really need some input about this because it boggles my mind.Thanks everyone!
I don’t want to get your hopes up, but it does sound like she still has feelings for you. I would stick hard to NC, you’ve been doing well. Keep it up!
People tend to act strange after a breakup, so I wouldn’t read into to much of what she does/says. If you are truly moving on (and it sounds like you are) and she’s having trouble moving on (which it sounds like), that’s her problem. She needs to find a way to work those out herself instead of just guilt tripping you
I think she’s really confused about what she’s feeling….no doubt she was in love with you, so don’t believe for a minute she wasn’t. Her telling your mutual friend is definitely signs she’s trying to get a rise out of you because she probably misses you and you stopped talking to her….so in her mind since your friend said you’re doing ok, she’s thinking…oh yeah? We’ll see how ok he is with me dating someone else. That’s not cool at all. But it does mean she’s missing you and is probably hurt you’re not fighting for her even though she is the one who initiated the whole break up. The whole spark fading, I don’t know if I believe that either. You don’t just fall out of love with someone or say you were never in love with them and then later on make sure to tell the mutual friend she’s dating again. If she’s dating again and so happy without you, she wouldn’t be following you on social media especially when you’ve both take each other off. As hard as it is, I would ignore her silly attempts to get a rise out of you. Next you know, she will be coming up with something else to try to get you to respond. Take care of yourself, and try as hard as you can to just leave her and the whole situation alone for awhile. When she decides to be an adult and contact you directly (not through friends), then you can decide if you want to talk to her.
Baseballguy, thanks for the advice. You’re right, it is her problem. I will definitely stick with NC maybe for the whole summer.
Phill, thanks for the clarification. You’re right, she is being childish. I guess I was confused mostly because she is the one who wanted to break up and she is acting as if she is the dumpee. I am not concerned about her dating some guy out of jealous but I am concerned because she is not doing healthy things for herself and she is going to end up getting hurt and then she will come to me. I gave up a lot for her and was so good to her and knew every side of her. Our relationship was not something you can find twice, and I believe she will realize this if she continues to date. Only time will tell, but I will stay uninvolved.
Exactly…..by you staying away, she will figure these things out. If she gets hurt along the way, then she asked for it by breaking up with you. You were good to her so she will get hurt and remember the good times. People at times get too cocky thinking….yeah, I know it was good but maybe there is someone else that can make me feel that good too….yeah, not a chance. She’s wrong and she will learn the hard way.
Yes Phill, this is bound to happen. I’m torn about how to respond if/ when it does, though. Say she contacts me in a month or two with the realization that she is wrong and apologizes, is it wrong for us to move forward? When she was breaking up with me she said she wanted to be friends because she didn’t want to lose me in her life and I told her I couldn’t, but thinking about it I would be willing to try in time. I’m just not sure where to draw the line because I do love her and miss her terribly, but at the same time she REALLY tore me apart. Tricky stuff.
Well, the part about being friends would definitely be a no-no for a good while….I tried that with one of my ex’s and she was going out and seeing other people when I still had feelings and let’s just say….it hurt a lot worse than if we just had parted ways. It would take a long time before you both could really be friends because you’re bound to get hurt when you have feelings involved. In a month or 2 if she realizes, I would definitely have a long talk before you decide to move forward with her. She could just do the same thing again and you would be back to square one. Trust has been broken and it takes a long time before it can be rebuilt. In fact, you may be able to forgive her but you will never forget. Right now, you should draw the line of NC and just give it a good while. She’ll come find you when she gets tired of the idiots of the world. Then you can see where you’re at in life. Like I said….number 1….take care of you.
Solid advice. I’ll do just that. Yeah it would take a long time to build back trust and many other things. I’d probably have to move on first and start back at almost square one. Trying to keep in mind that whatever is meant to be will be and hoping that doing what’s best for me will bring about good things in life. It hurts already to see she is “moving on” and making it look so easy, but I know that she wants me to see it and be hurt and that it is most likely all a front. Thanks for your advice, it is very helpful
You’re welcome but I really think it’s all smoke and mirrors….or just BS that she’s moved on or making it look easy that she is. Like I said before, it’s just something she’s probably doing just to get you all riled up. Just don’t fall for it….it’s really just her trying to exert power or to see if she can influence you to beg her or at least try to go against her moving on….then she will feel better about herself because she’ll know you still care and in her mind it makes it seem like it’s the right thing to do to stay broken up and “aww, he still wants me.” Once you take all of that out of the equation and just say to yourself….I’m not falling for it….then you will have the power and control over yourself. You’ll feel good about yourself for not giving in.
Hey, if either of you two could give me advice on my situation, I’d really appreciate it.
Here’s the thread:https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/nc-questionsadvicesupport/
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