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Truely inspiring. I have just restarted no contact again, as I lasted also only 2 weeks. What caused me to break was the ONE bad day of curiosity since I saw her friends on snapchat and my ex go out to the club. I have deleted all social media apps so here we go again! My goal isn’t 30 days but try for 50. But if I go past 30 I’ll still be proud of myself. But crystal, your words are inspiring and I have took some of your words and put it in my
Notes , so she. I feel down I’ll read it and I’ll feel replenished!Hey Pingpong, I am really humbled that you’re inspired by me. However, I’m more embarrassed than humbled because I broke my no contact awhile before you typed this message. It was an emergency that I badly needed comfort to.
The thing about our exes is that some are our confidants as well, and he knows my good and worst sides. This problem is quite a grave one and it attacked me emotionally and mentally. This may or may not justify me breaking the no contact rule, depending on which pov you see, but I knew that I had to speak with him, and so I did. (That was my 19 days into NC, when something really bad happened on the 18th).
However, when I talked to my ex, I realised I was over wanting him back, and wanting back a relationship with him. I felt nothing more than someone who needed emotional comfort.
I guess the 19 days of NC Still pretty much did its job. NC WORKS DAYUM. Haha.
Close to 21 days / 3 weeks NC, but the 10 days short perhaps would have made a difference. Or perhaps it would not have, in terms of a slight attachment to him that seems to be revived again.
I have contacted him with short exchanges daily (real short) since I broke NC, because I am requesting something from him, but I realise that my attachment could very well be resurfacing and I need help. I need to keep it at bay.
Today, I even dreamt 2 dreams of him, of romance and the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship.
So I’m here on this platform again to seek some consolation and advice. Being here really helps me feel better and makes me feel that I’m actually healing bit by bit.
My ex is not a guy who is heartless. He listened to my problem and my request for a hug. He said he would not be free till the end of this week at least to come down to where I reside and give me a hug.
Question is, should I be harbouring hopes on the end of this week meet up and go NC for the whole of the remaining week and then contact him to ask if he is free?
I am trying to figure out what it is that I really want, in order to tackle my emotional dependence. There is some part of me that tells me to live my life without getting a hug from him, although that part of me always gets shut down because my emotional side is crying out loud for comfort. And he is the only one that can give it at this point.
Crystal,
Your post made my heart sink because I can identify with your struggle so well. It’s hard to tell how many days is enough to heal and 30 is not some magical number. The toughest part of emotionally difficult times is that while these people WERE our confidants, they no longer are, and they can’t be anymore if we are trying to move on. When you say your attachment is growing for your ex, do you also think his is growing for you? Is this something you want to avoid because you are positive things will not work out?
I just started no contact again two days ago. It feels easier to do this time but I also feel like that is slightly because I am relying on hope that he will reach out if I give him time and space because that is what he has done in the past, I worry that I’m delaying the pain of realizing it’s over, but I’m really trying not to!
Hey Palmtrees22,
Glad to meet you on this thread 🙂 Really glad that you responded to my post. I am thankful for going on no contact with him because it has allowed me time to detach myself away from him, and also inbuilt in me warning signs to keep this attachment at bay and to regulate my expectations of him whenever I find myself falling into the “lair” again.
Since I wrote, I have spent time regulating my thoughts and really thinking what he is / means to me. For one, I know that my ex is not a bad guy, after much reflection. I realised that he is not bad (in terms of being like many guys out there who would willingly see girls cheapen themselves in front of them for their own interests, be it abusive relationships, narcissistic guys, lustful guys etc). In fact, being my ex-senior at work and also being five years older than me, I look to him alot to tell him my deepest, darkest worries that other friends or family would be so quick to judge me on.
He does have a soft spot for me, i would like to believe. When he received my message that was sent through a friend telling him about my problem and wanting to meet up with him immediately, he unblocked me on Facebook and asked me what is wrong almost immediately. Ah, the bastard still cares…I thought. Because I tell him what I dont tell to most people, he has a sort of brotherly vibe to him.
Regulating my thoughts and coming to terms that I am attached not so much to him but more to what he can give me, I tell myself that I can do better. One relative has offered me much emotional support that I needed two days ago, and that helped me to stabilise my emotional realm and to not be too needy when I text him.
I have texted him to ask for requests, and he replies when he can. Although he is unable to accede to my request because he is working or etc, he still replies. I think that says alot as to what I mean to him. Because previously before this, he literally was blocking me on every communication channel we had.
I know that I am not part of his priorities, and I am okay with that. He has not met up with me to give me a hug yet, but I have told myself that I should give up that hope. It is for the best. I have acknowledged that giving him his space will enhance the friendship/ relationship that we have with each other. I just got into a dance crew, and we are putting up a performance in late Sept/Oct. When it is closer to that date, I am considering asking him to come down to see me perform. It would mean alot to me for this person who acts so tough and cold on the exterior (he is soft though inwardly) to come and see me perform. Yet, many things can happen in a span of a month. The future is uncertain, and I will definitely continue to update my progress here.
I am preoccupied with other things now, so I am proud to say that I have a life to lead, and he is not at the forefront of my mind.
Sorry Palmtrees22,
I talked too much about myself — here’s answering your questions.I do not think his attachment is growing for me. He does not have me in his priorities right now, and that has been the way since June, when he broke up with me and decided that finding himself and focusing on his career would be his priority. He is sticking to his word. However, for my case, I’m not concerned with whether his attachment is growing for me, because I don’t want him back. If he can become a sweet bro to me in the future, I don’t mind that though. I love that he can give me hugs of comfort (only when he is free though, currently. Haven’t got one yet).
I do not know what is your situation like, but babe, I read this online, that said, even when (and esp if) you are trying to get your ex back, you got to LIVE AS IF YOU AREN’T EVER GETTING HIM BACK. That’s the key. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself first and become strong first, because honestly, the possibility that he is already over you is very likely, especially if he has already given it a chance before.
Cheers,
It sounds like you are in a good space and working toward a new type of relationship with him, good for you!
My situation is less about “chances” and unfortunately very cyclical. I was talking to my mom about it this morning and she was saying that she’s positive he’ll reach out after about a month but she doesn’t want him to because she doesn’t think we will ever be able to work things out… And I think she’s probably right; deep down I know it’s just a matter of time as far as him coming back goes, but it’s up to me to put a stop to the cycle. Which is extremely difficult because it feels SO good to have him want me again.
Hey Palmtrees22,
Wow, that is probably what my ex boyfriend would have felt. He knew that it wasn’t going to work out, and tbh, his mum didn’t think so too. It was very difficult for him to break it off with me, because I would fight to keep the relationship and convince him to stay in it with me. It didn’t help that he had a soft spot for me and also it probably was flattering for him to know that he was wanted. If that is what you are feeling, know that all things that are cyclical, in an unhealthy way, are a downward spiral. If you think of yourself (and your partner) whirling down the rabbit hole and only dwelling deeper and deeper down the abyss with no rescue aid available. Unless you save yourself out of it.
Ask yourself if he is what YOU want FOR LIFE. Is he what you really want, or is he just making you feel flattered and comforted that you are wanted? If it’s the latter, I don’t think he is for you.
Go no contact gal, and reposition your life to revolve it around you. I hope that through that, and with a supportive friends and family network, you can clear your mind and look towards the right direction for yourself.
Hey guys. September has arrived 🙂
There are still moments I miss my ex. But for my sake I shouldn’t contact him.
It’s a mentally down moment for me right now.
Crystalbear
Hi everyone!
I sent my ex a message yesterday at 2am asking if he wants to meet for a meal. He has not replied. This time, I wish to really engage in some conversation that’s meaningful. Not so hung up about getting a hug rn.
Perhaps he is busy, unavailable, etcetcetc, but whatever the reason is, I am constantly telling myself to let it go. Take it easy. Constantly reinforcing to myself that if he doesn’t want me in his life / he doesn’t want to be a part of my life now, there is nothing I can do and nothing I Should do. Because I’ve done all that can be done. And going all needy on him just isn’t the stage that I’m at now, because I’m past that stage.
So I guess this update is to remind myself that it is okay if he never replies you–he doesn’t want you / need you now, and it is okay. Move on with your life. If something crops up, and I wish to see / meet him for whatever reason again, I’ll text him again then.
Thanks for reading guys. Cheers.
Hi everyone! I’m back with an update! This is a great update, and I am excited to share it with you. Really excited 🙂
A night after I sent the message at 2am, I sent him one again! This time however, it was to ask him to help me fill in a one-off job position that my friend was unable to go for. I started off the message with “okay you can stop ignoring me now I wanna ask you if you are free on _____ day and _____ time.”
He actually replied! Haha! And he replied to my previous message too.
The most miraculous thing is, he agreed to help me replace my friend and hence he will be doing the job with me this weekend. I was patient while seeking his agreement, and I did not double text him to pressure him. He took around 35 minutes to reply for 2 messages, but he still replied, and I am glad that I told myself to hold back the keyboard typing and to wait patiently.
It would be fun and interesting to work with him, because this job is in itself a fun job. Just this weekend.
It is unbelievable that he acceded to my request. Unbelievable. When he has been rejecting me all the while.
However, he may always call a rain-check on the day itself, and until he actually shows up on that day, I will not rejoice fully. Nor get my hopes up. He has called many rain-checks before.
If he really turns up though, this will be the first time I am meeting him after our breakup–not that I am so fixated or nervous about it being the “first meeting after the big BU”, but it’s more a feeling of “wow, I haven’t seen him in a long time, i hope he is doing well. Has he gained weight? Is he still the same size etcetcetc”
I am sharing this miracle and my little (not full yet) ounce of joy with this happening, which I believed occurred with my increased patience with communicating with him.
Cheers everyone. Will update you here on whether he turns up for the job and if I see him.
He turned up, everyone. I actually did a one-off part-time job with him.
Spent a day overcoming my disbelief that this actually happened.
I want to be careful not to get emotionally attached to him once more. Sent him a message on some things that sadden me (he was the one I told about it then). Him not replying immediately did the job of putting me back in a healthy mental state of detachment towards him.
He has not replied me yet, perhaps because he is working now, or that he does not see a need to send a reply.
I am fine with whether he replies or doesn’t do so , and I have thought out how to react mentally in each of these scenarios. A good, timely reminder to jolt me away from any possible attachment towards him once again.
This is my update everyone. I believe in God, and in God’s perfect timing. There is a time and place for everything to happen. This saddening issue for me was a trigger to me confiding in him. Which resulted in a mental awakening to get back to being diligent in living my life meaningfully.
Cheers!
Hi everyone! I wanted to give you a quick update on something quite historic I would say. I have just experienced an awakening that has left me feeling so well liberated, feeling so lucky, and so humbled. For the first time in my ENTIRE life (hahahaahhah), I was actually turned off by my ex! It is crazy to say this, but it is a hundred percent truth.
Th euphoria that I feel is..almost indescribable (although I am trying my best ot describe it to you hahahahah 🙂 ) . It feels great when my mind consciously acknowledges that he is not a person that I should be spending my time with or going out with. The subconscious fact that we do not click well in terms of similar interests and thus do not get along well has emerged to the conscious part of my brain, and this consciousness is so reviving and rejuvenating.
Previously, I would just tolerate his condescension — a part of who he is. But now, now that my life is building up and getting off on a fresh, good start, he pales in comparison in all wholeness to the new friends and other more meaningful friendships that I have managed to sieve out in my ongoing relationships with my peers.
I want to tell you that it is a great feeling to have this self-realisation. Realising for myself, and not through the incessant advice of others, that he is not…worth it anymore, is one of the most empowering things a girl can experience.
I hope this acts as some form of inspiration or encouragement for all out there who are suffering from gaining back your self-worth or feeling good about yourself (which is actually so so important and key) after a break-up.
I realised my forte in certain areas, relating to my flair for the korean language, and the performing arts–committing to these areas, their related people communities and spending quality time with my strengths makes me feel very empowered and makes me realise that I am so much more than my lonely, down self prior to this, and the projection of these potential personal strengths that could develop into viable lifestyles or career paths for me warrants alot of excitement and positive anticipation for my future.
Taking control of my future is so empowering, and that is thanks to me following my interests, and having reflected on what I want, and how I can better develop myself as a person.
It feels beyond amazing. Sorry to repeat this so many times XD but it really does. And I hope that you will be able to reach such a peak in your mental and emotional development as a person. My sincere wishes are directed towards you, Reader 🙂
Thank you so much for reading this. I will continue to update you on my self-development. I truly hope that this is an inspiration in some form for you trying to develop yourself too after a down period.
Cheers :)))
P.S. Life feels so meaningful, and it hasn’t felt so meaningful in a considerable amount of time 🙂 🙂 🙂Hey crystalbear,
Glad to know you are making significant progresses and you feel better. Honestly, I suggest you to be very cautious. I know right now you are experiencing all this excitement and sense of power for realizing you don’t need your ex anymore, but it seems to be too early to determine you are really over it. I am telling you this because it already happened to me in the past in a previous breakup when I thought I was finally super happy to be back on my feet after some time, suddenly that feeling started to wear off and ended up falling down even harder. Only on the long run you will see if you are past. Anyway it’s just my person advice, don’t want to be the party pooper here, I wish you the best!
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