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So my ex and I have been broken up for about 9 months now. We were together for almost a year with slight bumps in the road but nothing major. He ended it because he basically felt like I was smothering him and wasn’t following through with some of my goals. I was successful with the “no contact” rule and focused on myself which included losing weight, restarting my businesses, spending more time w/family and friends, etc. He reached out on Mother’s Day by sending me a “Happy Mothers Day” text. A couple of months later I sent him the famous “accidental but intentional” text. That was followed with a short convo of him asking how I was, how my family is doing, etc. A couple of days after the 4th of July I sent a text letting him know he was on my mind and wanted to see how he was doing. From that we shared short text messages here and there. Just recently we had a meet up for the first time since our break up. He brought up the break up and I listened making sure I didn’t point blame but understood his reasons and expressed how I felt. He also expressed his love for me and how he thought of me often. He asked about my dating life and was shocked to find I was still single. He’s dating but made it clear she’s just a “lady friend” and wasn’t committed to anyone. My question, is he leaving the door for reconciliation or just friendship?
Think of the ways you smothered him and avoid doing those things. It’s great you met up with him recently (did he ask to see you?) and I’m sure he’s pleased with the changes you’ve made. If he initiates texts and asks to see you again and again, it could be a sign of his wanting reconciliation or friendship, but in time you will be able to distinguish. Or he may tell you.. Be sure to be fun and happy to enjoy his company.
Thanks so much for this advice Patricia. Yes, he invited me out and I wait til he initiates a text ( although I’ve reached out a few times ?). When we met it was all fun and happiness but I did get carried away talking about my feelings toward the break up and about him. I haven’t mentioned it since the meet up though. He texted me yesterday to see how I was doing.
You’re doing great! Where did you meet and did he say anything about your improvements or the talk about your feelings? So next time you two text / meet, keep it causal and fun, don’t mention the break up again unless he does.
So far, so good:)
Thanks again Patricia!! It’s been a long time since I felt this way about someone (10 years to be exact).
Well we met for dinner at a local restaurant in our neighborhood. He mentioned how good I looked and that my tan fitted me (I’d just returned from the Bahamas). He asked about my workout regiments and what made me start working out. I told him I wanted to feel and look good but also that his encouragement when we were together stayed in the back of my mind. He was like that’s all he wanted for me and now he sees that I’m doing it without him (sounded like he was hurt from it).
He told me he understood how I felt and that when we first broke up he put himself in my shoes.
He broke up with me the day after my birthday, we had a nice dinner and everything so the break up came out of nowhere, so I was really hurt from it and told me he had a lot sleepless nights worrying about me.
Nonetheless we haven’t talked about it since then and I haven’t brought my feelings into another conversation. My question is, how do I get him to initiate another date? And should I be concerned with his “lady friend “?Even though you started the workouts on your own, I’m sure he didn’t feel hurt, but was pleased knowing he’s the one who encouraged you. Break ups don’t ever come out of nowhere. He had been thinking about it for some time before he verbalized it. You mentioned smothering was one of the reasons, so you have to change the way you interact so as not to become smothering again (whatever form that took).
Of course he was concerned and worried about you, but it doesn’t mean he wants you back. He is the one to make that choice, if he wants to or not. DO NOT try to get him to initiate another date! If you say anything about going out again, he might agree just to be nice. He needs to want to do that, and if he does, he will ask sooner or later. Don’t fret about his lady friend. If you ask him about it, it might irritate him and make you look like the jealous type, which would be another strike against you. Just be sweet and upbeat at all times and wait until he contacts you again or asks you out. Wishing you luck:)
This advice is helping a lot so once again thank you Patricia. I now know the ways I smothered him. He did tell me at dinner (the ways were texting/calling all the time, being up under him, etc) so I make it a point to step back and continue to live my life. I’ve not asked about the lady friend or mentioned her since he talked about her at dinner. I’ll continue to be nice and friendly whenever he texts like you said. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen.
Basically being with him 24/7. We were always together whether it be grocery shopping or simply watching television. Either I was always at his house or he was at mine. No matter what we were always together. Even the days I visited my mom he went with me. My love language is spending quality time so that’s what I liked us doing but I now know his is words of affirmation.
I’ve always heard a good thing can be over done and this seems to be a perfect example of that. Unless people are married and living in the same house together, most people want some time to themselves to do other things or to be alone. Just some down time, ya know? Too much texting and calling can be extremely smothering, considering you were already spending so much time together. Maybe he felt everything added up to being exhausting. Most guys adore physical affection and lots of surprise touching and quick kisses for no special reason. They also appreciate lots of praise for things well done. And saying “I love you” often is especially important in a romantic relationship! Now that you both know what it takes to make each other happy in a relationship (if you get back together) you can compromise to meet each others needs. Even if he just wants a friendship for now, you can avoid smothering him again with texts and calls. I hope he asks you out again! It would be a very good sign:)
I totally understand what you’re saying Patricia!! During our relationship I didn’t realize how much of his personal space/time I was invading until AFTER the break up.? He’d mentioned it a few times but I took it as he not wanting to be with me.
Nonetheless I’m just hoping like you are that he asks me out again. I keep playing the dinner and our conversations over in my head hoping to figure out if this man really wants to reconcile or if the dinner was closure between the two of us. I remember asking him was he still happy with his decision and he shook his head “yes” so I originally took it as closure. Especially when he gave me the ultimate “side hug” after walking me to my car but then he text to see if I made it home safely (although that could’ve been a simple nice act). This is driving me crazy because I got mix signals from the dinner. I must say though he’s always been a man who once he made a decision that’s it. I’m just confused…Maybe he nodded “yes” with his decision to break up because he can’t trust that you wouldn’t smother him again. Give it time and prove to him you’ve changed by not texting or calling first, let him be the one to do that when he wants to. I understand how you would be confuse, but don’t give up hope yet.
What day no contact is this?That’s what I’m going to do. Well I’m not sure how to calculate this no contact rule given the recent meet up was our first time seeing each other after break up. Prior to then we had no contact with each other.
Start the count from the day you met for dinner. (assuming there have been no calls or texts since then)
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