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Oh and I should say that I really took on board those things you said yesterday, the longer messages. Or at least I’m trying to!
I’m in Berlin. Been here for almost 5 years. Well, based here anyway. Work took me away during the week for far too long.
She will text. You don’t think it but she will. You might get one tonight yet. But usually after a few days the no contact starts doing it’s thing.
Most people ask me why I want to be with someone that didn’t want to be with me. I ignore that now. But she wanted to be with me but couldn’t go on. There was a problem that she could see no end to. If we never get back then yes I will regret it. For a long time. Maybe for the rest of my days. But if me ignoring her now gives me a chance of getting her back with a new me and a new improved relationship, then I will take that chance. I begged and cried and text non stop etc. It didn’t work. It did the opposite. “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. So I changed the tactics. Changed myself in the process. And now I’ll see what happens. Let the future come. I’ve done almost everything I can. I have her texting me first always. I never text first. She is sending photos and asking about me. She thinks it will be cool to meet. I really don’t know if the new man is there. I don’t know if this is just all friendly. I just don’t know. But you know what? I’m realising that it doesn’t matter. I will continue with my plan. Improve me. Meet her. Act cool. Don’t mention the relationship. I’ll get her. Even if he is still there. I’ll get her back. Actually, I’d take great satisfaction from taking her back from him. Wouldn’t that be sweet.
So what I’m saying is that what you were doing want working. Whether she meant what she said or not (I don’t think she did mean much if any of what she said), it didn’t really matter. It’s the past. You cannot undo it. And it’s pointless to even think about it. Always look to what is coming. And get ready for it.
That would be most sweet indeed. I need to keep my head looking forward, you’re right. What’s done is done. I was trying to think like that earlier this evening, when I first got back from work. My anxiety still taunts me I guess, it takes over. I can feel it when it strikes. I’m working on it at counselling. I feel like I can shake it in time. It’s better than it was. I used to torture myself over what she was ‘up to’ when we were together, but just for hours. Days even. That’s gone now at least, to some degree. It’s stopped at home and with friends for sure.
Berlin must be very cool. Do you speak the language?
The new guy isn’t there. I don’t think so. I don’t think he ever really was if you see what I’m getting at. She wouldn’t have time for all of that. It might just be friends, but she wouldn’t go sending you old photos (are they of both of you, or of things?) if it were. She wouldn’t be dragging up old memories if it were just friends. Put yourself in her shoes I guess.
I got contact from her again, of sorts. A Facebook message:
“Hey, I was just wondering if you got my text? I don’t mean to pressure you to reply, it just sent as a text and not an iMessage so not sure if you received it.”
No kisses, but I forgot to send any on my last Facebook message (before this weekend etc), so she wouldn’t send any back.
I told you she would text tonight. I told you. She knows full well that you got the message. Why wouldn’t you? Unless you list the phone or it exploded. That is her subtle way of saying “what the fuck is going on Charlie? I’m scared. You were never like this.”
And in her head she is thinking. “Is he really that angry? Or has he just completely moved on? Why has he done that? I still love him. Shit, I can’t tell him that though now. After everything.”Yeah Berlin is cool. You should bring herself here for a weekend. You would appreciate the history and culture. Most of Your countrymen (and mine) don’t see outside of the bars and brothels.
I speak german. At work I speak just german. I still make mistakes but they know what I’m talking about.
The photos were; one of 2 Kittens we hand reared. And one of us and my sister and her sisters in the countryside on a beautiful sunny evening enjoying the sun and having a beer. There was a photo of her letter confirming her work experience position. But the photos were on her computer. Buried in folders. She took a photo of the screen and sent that I think.
I think you are right about that. Who would drag up the past like that just to say goodbye. That would be cruel.
I was exactly like you. What is she up to? Who is she texting? Where is she going?
It was none of my business really. Fair enough, in a relationship you share things. But when you smother them and be jealous then you destroy them. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you wanted to go to meet some mates. Just a few hours. Have a chat. Then back home. Imagine getting home and somebody there assuming you were with another girl. Imagine that every time you went anywhere.
Go places yourself and that cuts that out a lot.Yeah, those photos are exactly what you think they are. Whether she sent you the others or not, she would’ve been looking at all of them. Most people keep more than one photo in a folder. Speaking German, that’s awesome. You really have got a lot going for you.
What happened to the kittens?
Don’t get me wrong, I never directly texted her saying anything accusatory. I asked too many questions though. I did say things when we were living together, which I will always regret. Last time it got too much for her, we’d been texting and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents. Later, I saw she was on Facebook, so I called her as we hadn’t spoken that day and I was thinking about her. She got really angry with me about it, I can see how it might have come across now. I admit that part of me was worrying a bit, she probably picked up on it. Like you said, I think lovers can sense each others emotions.
Really tempted to just go somewhere this weekend alone. France or something cheap, but somewhere far from all this.
I will text her in the morning.
Don’t text in the morning. What’s the point?
Leave it a bit. Wait and we can chat it all through tomorrow. Let her for once consider the decision.Thanks for your words. Good night
I guess I’d like to confirm our meet, then it’s done and I can leave it alone. You’re right about keeping it simple mind. At work today now so wouldn’t send it until I’m home anyway, thinking about it here stresses me out too much.
Keep it simple. No Emotion.
You asked about the kittens. I loved them. They got to be too much for her. They were fairly wild. Well we did find them in a barn! She couldn’t sleep right and ran all over evrything. I enjoyed them.
Anyway, she got rid of one first and we kept the other for a few months, then she wanted rid of him. And that was that. I didn’t want him to go but it was for the best.Yes, they can be a handful! It’s a shame you couldn’t keep them, must’ve been difficult to give them away. Our cats have never even spent a day apart, brothers from the same litter. It’s really hard having them around at the moment, every time I see them they remind me of her. I’m between minds as to what’s going on as we have commitments like the cats, and a very close mutual friendship group.
I feel like the longer I leave it, the more difficult it is for me to brush off my absence in my reply.
Have you heard anything today?
Heard nothing today. But not really expecting to hear. What would she say?
Send back a cool-as-a-cucumber reply. Yeah that Weekend would be good. Enjoy your Weekend etc.
The time will be good. And tough. She will be back
I will reply and keep it easy. How am I supposed to tell her what’s changed for me though? I wrote something that I finally know outlines my situation honestly, and part of me is screaming to tell her. Even when we meet, the advice here is to not say those things, but why not?
Why not at that you have changed? Well she will notice. Do them causally I’d say but being obvious whilst telling her will make her realise that you are still chasing.
It’s all very odd. Mind games. And still we dont know where we stand. I don’t have a clue. Not a clue. And no matter what anybody else says, until I know 100% then I won’t believe anything for sure. I still strongly feel that we will get back. If o didn’t then I would give up. But I’m not at 100.
I feel better and stronger every day. Knowing that my life is moving in the right direction. She can move on with me if she decides to do that.
But that’s the point. She must decide. I can only do my best to improve and hope that she is willing to take that gamble on me. But they are stubborn creatures. They will leave us guessing. So leave them guessing.
It’s poker Charlie. Don’t show your whole hand at once. What you wrote down you can give it to her in a hand written letter when the time is right. When you feel right.But I have a good feeling about you 2. You will be fine. I think I will be too.
P.s. I think I am being sort of stalked. A girl from the drama group is asking some very Nosy things in texts. Maybe it’s all good banter. But she tells me what time I was last online at etc.
If she wasn’t in the group I would maybe think about something with her. But imagine doing that now and then getting back with the ex and still having to be in a play with this girl. As you young folk would say; totes awks
I guess I just feel like I shouldn’t be playing the mind games quite so much. You and I are at very different stages, and I think it’s working for you, but I need to be very considerate of how much I distance myself. I know that I can still only work with what’s been said to me though, and that’s that we aren’t getting back together. I really don’t know what’s happening either, but honestly right now I don’t have a good feeling. She hasn’t text me back since I replied, so I need to try and accept it might not be how I would like it to be. I can only wait and see though.
It’s her nephew’s first birthday today, she posted on Facebook this morning. I have a great photo of the little one and his dad I’d like to post, but all of this withholding has made me fear doing anything. Two days to reply to her text? Whatever we’re doing that would only look cowardly.
Excellent news on your stalker, must be a nice confidence boost for you! You should consider it, to make you feel better. If things didn’t go your way in the next weeks, it’d be nice to have someone to distract you.
Aha, I must be old then!
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