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Posts
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Hi.
You’ll have tones like that Charlie. It’s only emotions and memories and things.
She told you she misses you. You know deep down and have known that she wants you back.
What’s happening now is just time suddenly catching up. I actually find it good what you are going through. You will wonder what I’m talking about now, but in a day or two all will become clear.It’s your mind clearing up. It’s you getting clarity. You spoke often about how different you felt and how much you have changed and so on. But that all takes time. When you think you have moved on a step you then have something happen that makes you feel like you have slipped back again. A seemingly never ending torturous roller coaster of emotions that saps your energy and leaves you mentally drained. Will it all ever end? Will i ever get her back? Or worse, will i never get her back? How would life ever feel right without her? How can she put me through this? Why am i waiting for her? Why do i have this hope that someday all will be great again; not just great but even better? Why can i not just let go?
And then a day comes like today when you feel like you have collapsed right back to the start. The feeling you had that you had moved on now seems like it was built on pillars of sand. The whole thing has collapsed. “I’ll never recover”.
But what happened you there is important. I went through that a few weeks ago. But she has told you things that have started to break down barriers in the back of your mind. Or more accurate, your mind is starting to lose its control over you. Finally reality is hitting. You have all these lost weeks and months. You are blaming yourself for that lost time. But, you are a fighter. You didn’t give up. You held out. You put yourself through hell and those feelings that you have are not in fact you thinking that all is lost. Those feelings are like locks being unlocked, or Domino’s falling in your mind. One by one they fall. And the feeling comes rushing forward. You don’t understand it at first. You think negatively because you have been thinking negatively for months. Your mind is playing one last trick. Telling you to give up. One last test for you Charlie.
But those feelings are relief. Don’t be fooled by your mind. That is relief. That is reality coming. Don’t mess up now. The relief that you are almost there. You know it but just can’t see it or accept that yet. But you will. It’s almost done. It’s nearly over. Everybody bursts into tears with relief in the movies. It’s a powerful emotion. And in our case easy to confuse with the old feelings of all being lost.
You still have work to do. But now you finally should do it and can do it.
She misses you. She loves you. She wants to be with you. She just wants a bit of time now to sort her own head out. Look how long you have taken and you’re not fully there.
Good work Charlie. Well done.
Now don’t mention the relationship again. You don’t need to. It’s just now time to start being friends and flirting and meeting up and enjoying each other. Time to start a new life together.P.s. i see my ex every day (Almost). Hugs are getting longer. We held hands a bit tonight whilst lying on (clothed) her bed. She wants to go away with me for a weekend. I’ll do that. I take nothing for granted Though. Still working. She has been slowly filling me in on her life since we split. Some friends did things that she won’t say yet but her life has been a roller coaster. She said it was ok with that other guy for a bit but that died. Some friends didn’t like that she did that. Her mother was dead against it. He sisters just wanted her to be happy. But i sensed that she was struggling with life. But i couldn’t help until i felt that i really Could.
She feels safe again. Secure. I’ve changed so much she says. Tonight she says that in all the days we’ve met she hasn’t seen any of the old bad me coming out. That felt good. I almost forget the old me. Photos are hard to look at. They sometimes leave me with a lump in my throat. But time will help. She said tonight that she really believes now that that person is gone.She said that she was thinking over the past few days about how unbelievably hard it all must have been For me. She said it really made her wonder if she knows anybody that would have coped. I lost her, i had to recover from alcoholism, i had to get over bad depression, i had been jobless and homeless (living on sofas). I moved back to a city where i had few friends and no family. She had a new man. My best mate died.
But there i was. A new man. Stronger than ever before. i not only survived. I came through the other end so much better. I felt like everything had flipped. I may now be the Rock that will support her.
We are fighters Charlie. We are survivers. The relief can be overwhelming.
But the rewards will be fantastic. And we will winI am happy you guys are getting so close. I thought I was getting close two a month and a half ago but totally different situation. It was just a “small” sign but I reacted like he was telling me we were gonna get back for sure and it backfired on me I guess. I can really relate to that relief thing but feeling its getting worse. I cried thinking we were getting back and imagining it in my head. And here I am now. He has been telling me he would like things to work out but isnt ready. But now untagged him from a photo he uploaded of us when we were together. He didnt erase it its still there but I am afraid he is doing it slowly oso that I wont notice 🙁 can you give my your opinion @Patrick please? I want to be n your shoes pls help me https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/
Thanks Patrick. You know when you posted this you were right, it didn’t make any sense. I’ve actually read it a few times and I get it. It helped me feel strong again, and that’s what counts.
I don’t really know whether getting upset on the phone or not was a good idea. As you say with your lady, I want to make her feel secure and getting upset actually made me feel pretty insecure, let alone her. Hearing her upset just a few days before just opened me up again. But then she went out on Friday night with friends so it can’t of been all bad.
Doesn’t really matter. No more second guessing anymore. Things will unfold as they unfold. There aren’t really any rules to this. We just have to react sensibly to what is placed before us.
The whole “I miss you so much, I don’t know what my true feelings are right now” thing she says is a bit odd considering she said that 6 weeks ago. It’s these little cues that make me think I’m being taken for a ride. Keep it going so you don’t have to fully deal with the emotion of being fully apart until after your exams right? Hopefully not.
I had no idea it was quite so heavy for you Patrick. I didn’t realise you lost a friend too. You really have overcome a hell of a lot. The funny thing is, I’ve seen it in you just from your posts on this thread.
Positive steps forward I’d say. She sounds very proud of you. Maybe she’s not rushing into things as she needs to overcome how everything was for her during your time apart. She probably actually feels bad about it all I would imagine, now that she sees you for you again.
I’m actually really proud of you too Patrick.
Thanks Charlie. That means a lot that you are proud of me.
I’m telling you she wants you back. Just stop with any negativity and she will suddenly change so much. She will want you then.
Do you think so? What makes you say that?
I called her last night, we only spoke for like a minute as she has a hand in tomorrow. She thanked me for the parcel, said she hadn’t had time to text me. Four days to send a thank you? She’s been posting in out group page etc. Not that I said that, I didn’t send it to get a thank you anyway.
She text me after we spoke saying that the parcel was really lovely. Apologised for being busy and said she’d call me today.
For some reason though I just don’t feel positive about it. Again it feels like she thinks I’m chasing her.
It’s never easy. If it helps, my ex hates the phone. Never rings with it. She might go through a few months of steady texting then disappear and hate the phone. Maybe it’s a Thing that they do.
Why do I think that she wants you? Well she more or less said it. She misses you and loves you still and so on. If she didn’t hold a flame for you still she would have been gone Long ago.
Just Play it cool always. Don’t push too much. They act like loonies when exams are around. I know that from experience.
You are doing well. Keep having Patience. I can understand if she wants to concentrate on the exams right now. Her head is probably full of you a lot and she Needs to concentrate. When she is finished then she will look for you. Enjoy yourself in the meantime and don’t text her anything daft or annoy her. The waiting is tough but you can do it.
As for me, it’s a bit of a rollercoaster at the Minute. She went through a stage yesterday of texting me saying that all guys are the same and that she doesnt want to hurt me and it is dangerous what she is doing because she doesnt want a relationship and just wants to be friends. And that guys that she thought were friends had tried it on with her in the last few months and that ended those friendships.
That shocked me a bit. We had been hanging out almost every day and so on. She did say that I was texting too much. I might have been yesterday morning alright but apart from that she makes the moves.
So, instead of replying straight away I took time and thought. She has just finished a course of Hormone tablets following an Operation. Bound to do something. I text back saying, (I thought we were friends. Don’t assume things”.That seemed to do the trick. She phoned a few hours later and apologised for the texts and wanted to go with me to the irish embassy in Berlin as my guest for the Paddys day Party. We went together. A great night was had. Chatted after in hers ábout stuff. One important Thing came out of it. She still has a fear that I would slip back to drinking again. I told her i wouldn’t. But a very important Thing for me to find out.
She was to be Meeting People from now until sunday but she wants me to call over later. I will.I will just Keep going as i am going. We hugged for minutes last night as i left and kissed each others cheeks and necks. Thats not really friend behaviour.
Interesting developments at your end. It does sound like she’s being very cautious about the whole thing. It’s odd that she calls it being friends when you guys spend quite so much time together. I think a good response to the friends statement is “Let’s play it by ear” or something to that effect. Doesn’t really say anything either way then.
That doesn’t sound like friend behaviour at all! Keep doing what you’re doing, doesn’t sound like you’re making any mistakes.
I spoke to her this evening for about forty minutes. Was a nice normal chat. I don’t really know how I feel about it though. Something makes me feel like this isn’t the right way to go about it, but I don’t really know what the alternative is. The distance really throws a spanner in the works.
End of the conversation she said have a nice weekend. I asked if she’d want to catch up then. She said she’s not sure if she’s ready to start scheduling conversations with me. Not entirely sure what that means.
Some things make me feel odd. She said she isn’t free to meet up this weekend because of her work, but is going to a house party on Friday. The two don’t really go hand in hand. The house party admittedly makes me feel pretty unsteady, usual worries. I didn’t care before, but now I do again.
Part of me feels like maybe we shouldn’t be together. She’s in that ‘uni’ mentality again, and that’s not where I am right now. I don’t have the opportunities to go and meet lots of people, not that I don’t want to. I think that’s why a lot of relationships struggle when one party goes to uni.
I wish she could see that though. That it’s not some massive change, she’s just back at uni again. We talked about it before we moved out of the flat, I even agreed it would be good for her to do something she enjoys again. We also talked a lot about how life was just more normal and quiet outside of uni, and that’s just how it was, and that we were happy we had each other. Then she goes there and flips it all on its head. Seems a little shallow to me.
You know I think you might be right about the moving to London thing. I think her and I got thrown in to disarray by being apart. I moved back to ‘Hobbiton’ because I had friends and family here, and truthfully I wasn’t confident enough to make the move with her what with my unemployment. How would I survive in busy old London when I’d only just got a job in Portsmouth. I wanted to get back on my feet first.
The past week I feel like I’ve been rotting at work. It’s actually a great job, but there’s no elevation, and where I live just isn’t for me. I know I can’t be here forever, let alone much longer.
I think I might be confident enough to make that move now, and not just for her. I think that’s why I talked about a holiday with her, but that isn’t anything real. As you said, something has to give. We were really good when we lived together bar the issues I had, and I’ve resolved them now, at least I’m pretty sure I have. I think she saw that which is why she was disappointed I didn’t want to go with her.
I just needed to get this written down before I forget this moment.
Write away here. It’s something to think about. To seriously think about. Things would be much easier if you were closer.
As for her going to a Party. A Party is just a few hours. You going to her is a few days. I can understand. At least you are talking a bit more now. A few phone calls. Keep building it up slowly. It will take time. More time than you think. But you are definitely on the right track.
I was over with my ex on wednesday night. Fell asleep there. She met a friend last night and says she is Meeting friends all Weekend. Next week we could do something nice she said.
Not getting time at the Weekends is frustrating. Although she said suddenly last saturday that she was sick and she wanted me to call. I don’t know. Maybe I am reading it wrong, but as you said before, it is a lot to do for just friends. Frustrating as it is not to be able to see her for a few days, she hasnt met many of her friends in so Long and Weekends just suit them. So I have to understand that and let her do it. I wont text her first. Let her think a bit. She knows that i would like to spend some time during the day at the Weekend with her. That might Change yet though. A Girl friend told me to go a bit quiet and she will probably want me before the Weekend is over. We will see.But see how Long it takes! She grabbed my Hand the last time we met. Held it a bit and said that she was proud that i have changed and that she is starting to believe that it really might be for good. She was scared that i would slip back to drinking again
How long were you guys actually apart before you started seeing each other again?
I guess you guys are dating again of sorts, but with all that history behind it it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. Those days apart will be good for both of you. Or good for her. You’ve had so much time to heal already. It’s odd as I think through all of this we learn that the other party bases all their decisions on their instincts, rather than making a decision like we do. Different types of people I suppose. I often wonder which one is right. Have you thought about something simple like flowers when you meet?
Be thankful that you’re not long distance though haha! I did say to her a few weeks ago on the phone not to worry about the distance, that I would just come and see her because she’s busy. This was after she mentioned she was worried if one of us “changes our minds”.
I need to change my mindset. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid about this party when I’d gotten to a point where I realised it didn’t matter anymore. Genuinely too. So why all these emotions now? Completely dominating anxiety. For some reason I feel like house parties automatically mean hook-ups. More intimate I guess. I haven’t been to house parties in a long time so I can’t really remember what they were like anyway. She used to be a real ‘party girl’ before we met, said she never really liked that lifestyle when we were together, and certainly didn’t anymore. I know she just had a different mind about it because she was with me. Now she’s at uni she says she’s changed so much and somehow I feel like that’s her falling back into her old ways. Maybe that’s an immature mindset for me to have.
When I spoke to her and things were nice the other day, I guess it kind of freaked me out. That’s the wrong mindset. Expecting to have an emotional conversation after telling her I wanted to build something new. Small signs though, all prior mention of the cats has elicited an emotional response. This time around she just said ‘I’m glad they’re happy’. When I spoke about my pay-rise the other week she just said ‘I’m happy things are going well for you’.
She’s never shown me any emotion unless I show it first, through all of this. That’s what makes me think she doesn’t want this. Of course she’d react if I get emotional, but that doesn’t mean anything.
I’ve been ill for about ten days now, had to have a chest x-ray today. Probably throwing a lot in the mix.
Hello. We were about 3 months apart before we starting meeting up again.
I won’t lie. It’s tough being apart even for a few days now. Not many texts either. She said she would but maybe we are both waiting for the other to text. She text tonight at midnight. Asking what I meant with a text from earlier in the day. I didn’t bother replying. Let her think for a bit.
I live with an older man. Haven’t seen him in a while and he said the very same as you. He said that we are more or less dating again. That it’s so much to just be friends. I still worry though that maybe we are wrong and it’s just friends.When they go out or to parties it’s tough. I told her I was going out tonight. Ended up walking around. Lots of beautiful women around. But now that I don’t drink I wouldn’t go to a bar alone.
I did the party scene back in the day. Drugs and all. Wasn’t much hooking up going on. Just music and crap talk. I wouldn’t worry about it. She has to meet friends. And if you act cool she will think of you.
She isn’t showing any emotion you say. She may well be hiding it then. Protecting herself. women do these things. She might want to get through the next while and not let herself get dragged into emotions.
You should stop with the emotions. I said that before. Act like you are a whole new you. The past is the past. She is probably worried still. She can’t tell if you are different. She hasn’t seen you enough. I have met my ex so often and now she is starting to open up a bit and talk of a great that I will slip back again. So she still can’t be sure. they both probably think that we are acting. We think we are. But we have actually learned things along the way. We are better men now.
When she is finished go and spend time with her. Don’t bring up anything from the past. Act cool. Say you might move to London for you not her. For you. You might frighten her by moving there just for her even if it is the truth. That’s why I’m here but I dont tell anybody that. little white lies.
So we were 3 months apart. Preceded by about 6 bad months. We are seeing each other or whatever it is that we are doing about 3 weeks.
of course I bring things. Flowers and I buy food every time I call. We watch movies and easy ice cream. Or order food. She is broke so I pay. But never splash too much cash.Be cool for the next while. It will work out. She still missed you so much. Let her get over the exams. And let her go to the party. She has to socialize.
What is wrong with you? Chest pains? Hope that will be Ok. It’s stress that does that you know. Causes tension in the back muscles which sort of crunches your body compressing your chest. I had that during the depression. Exercise is good. Swimming I found the best. Clears the head too. Try it. And don’t worry about your ex. She wants you she just needs time. Let her have the time. But start planning ahead. Plan for London
Haven’t really heard anything from her. Worried.
A few texts yesterday morning. She text at midnight. I still didnt reply but it was not important. But I thought she would have said something by now.
Worried that is all just friends. But it was a lot to be just friends.
Kind of hoping she just wants the time to think. Or is wondering why I am not texting. But I’m very worried. What do you think? She is out doing things I guess. But Hello or something would be nice.Thanks for the message last night, it helped a lot.
Why are you worrying? I noticed one thing in particular is the way I react if I’m the last person to text or she is, which obviously doesn’t matter at all.
Today she replied to a link I sent her on Facebook, and even put a smiley face in there. That’s a first. Maybe she was still drunk haha! I felt OK after that, few hours later I thought screw it, I’ll call her for a catch up. Put the cats in baby clothes last night, figured she’d like to hear about it. She didn’t answer, and it totally threw me into a different state of mind. Do you think the same happens to you?
I guess like you say, you can’t let the other person have such a toxic effect on your brain. Got to be brave enough to still do the no contact thing and go about your day, you’re still living separate lives sadly. I feel stupid for calling her, now she’ll be pressured to call me back which isn’t cool.
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