Please help me guys.

[california1815]

Wow Patrick. I figured from your silence that something had happened either way. I’m sorry to hear it went down like that.

It’s still odd that she asked you to come over to collect things. If you don’t know what it is, then I wouldn’t bother. For your sake I mean.

It doesn’t make any sense that she would reach out to you with photos. Just leave it now, use this as closure. Even though there is no such thing I guess.

I think this might be the harsh reality of it all my friend. I’m seeing her tomorrow, we exchanged a few texts tonight. You never know.

[patrick d]

Good for you. Best of luck tomorrow. You’ll do great.

It is strange that she wanted me to call. Texts are suddenly nice since I mentioned I am seeing someone. I kissed the drama girl/stalker last night and stayed the night. Then we didn’t the evening together again. She wants to try it and see but wants me to clear this crap out of my head first.

I’ll go and collect my things. I have lots of box sets and post from the tax office. I will act cool and tough. She is losing me. She will struggle to find a good replacement and the photos and messages were saying that.

But it’s over. I have to know that. And she will see me walking away with my head held high. And I hope it hurts her a bit. She is losing a Good man.

Something deep do own tells me that this hasn’t run its course yet. There is one more twist maybe. But maybe it’s the last do of hope.

I’m kind of distraught. Not far off 6 years gone. I can’t imagine loving anybody like that ever again.

I cried a good bit. Let me know how you get on. And I’ll stay on here for you. I might need an odd rant myself

[california1815]

Be brave Patrick. Good for you on seeing the drama girl. Texts are nice again eh? Now that’s just messing you around. Stick to your guns, as she really is losing a good man, if she doesn’t want you then fuck her. Her mistake, she can keep ruining her own life, she can’t see the wood for the trees. Just make sure the hope you’re holding out isn’t false. Please actually move on now, you seem to have come so far in every other aspect of your life. You owe it to yourself. Have you seen the silver linings playbook? I watched it last night, was a bit like looking in a mirror.

You know when you go and get your things if you haven’t already, don’t even talk to her if you can help it. Just take them and leave. Don’t give her the time of day.

So today was weird, but it was something. We had some very emotional conversations, but we also had a really nice time. Lots and lots of laughing. Some of one and then more of the other, and repeat. I was honest and told her that I wanted to fight for it, but also said that I know there’s nothing I can do to change things if that’s how it’s to be.

She said she feels like it’s really hard as she feels like she’s cut ties with her soulmate, and would say I don’t know a lot. Then she’d ask me questions which would initiate a ‘fight for you’ response from me and then say she’s leaving me again. Said she didn’t believe when I said things were different in terms of my issues, but I noted that how can I show her if she won’t let me.

So I said that if there really was nothing left then we wouldn’t of been able to have any nice moments today at all, so if she doesn’t know then why keep forcing herself down one route. We agreed on I don’t know. Left it on a nice note, she hugged me and I kissed her hand and cheek and said if she’s free on a weekend I’d love to do more ‘I don’t knowing’ with her.

If it’s over now then so be it, I got to say how I feel and it wasn’t taken badly. Everything she said rang very true with me to be fair, bar the part about not wanting to carry on obviously.

[patrick d]

That sounds positive Charlie. That’s not over. You have done well today.
Let her think about it a bit. But I’d suggest slowly working back again. More texts etc.

I think I messed it up a week ago. When she was texting all the time I never gave any emotion back. Well not really. The texts and photos are messed up. But then so is she. I think she was reaching out big time. Almost grabbing but I never even moved my hand to grab her back. And down she fell. That’s my theory after a 5 hour walk today.

I think that a point has been reached were I have gone so far in my life in a fairly short space of time that I didn’t see what was happening. I think that I returned from Ireland in a better place than I even thought. Definitely than she thought. I came back thinking I was the same person that left. I felt like I had something to prove. I think now that forcing myself to improve more has actually made me catch her stage and zoom straight past her. I have gone so far past that I never noticed. This weekend was a slam on the brakes. Roll down the window and take a look out and get a bit of fresh air. I can see her now. Way back behind. Waning and struggling to catch up. I think somewhere in the last few weeks she realised this. She reached out but I didn’t see. And missed it.

It’s a delicate balance.

And then this evening I told my oldest sister the story. She would be the wisest but most careful of them. She scared the crap out of me. Saying that she sounds like a player. Always a guy on the go. She was caught by me emailing a guy before a year ago. The ex put that down to stupidity on her part and being close to leaving me because of my ways. Etc etc. The sister said cut ties and go. You couldn’t Trust her. She was probably at that all the time. If she is texting me whilst with him then. ……She said that if she didn’t like that guy then she would leave him. And she would just ask me to try again.

It made sense.

But, I’m me. I’m not just anybody. She loved me. A lot. And still does I think. And why would she dump him? I never gave a sign of interest. Christ, I love the ex but still carried on with the drama girl. And I would consider myself a very honest person. So stupid things can happen.

And look at the advice giver. My family. The older protective sister. Back in traditional valued country Ireland. She will say anything to stop me hurting.

And then I thought about last night. She was always going to say no to such a direct ultimatum. She hasn’t even seen me. I thought I had messed everything up.

But then I realized something. She text asking for me to call tomorrow. I said I would. I got a nice reply with a good night.

I realised that I had unwittingly changed everything. I feel free. I know that I have shown my hand. I have nothing left to hide. And that feels good. And I used a massive weapon whilst doing it. I’m seeing someone else. Whatever game she was playing has just been destroyed. Smashed. She can stay with him. But if she has feelings for me (and I strongly believe that she does) then she will feel the pressure build. She has said that her life is shite and going with him was like living someone else’s life. Asking why we didn’t go etc. And just when she might have thought that I might care and do something I do that bombshell. It was an unintentional massive power grab.

So Charlie, there may well be a silver lining. I didn’t expect her to want me to call so soon. Either she wants this all finished with, or she is scared that I’m gone forever. I believe it’s the latter. She will panic I thought this morning. I think she did. She asked me to call tomorrow. I think Charlie that whatever happens, I actually made the perfect move. I will now know if it is over or not. She won’t care or she will. And if she does then she will feel like she has to act quickly but smartly. She will have a plan for tomorrow I guess. Something to hold me for a while. To make me wait. To get me talking. She might find an excuse to meet again. She will have to see me a few times to make up her mind.

That’s my guess. But it might be over. And if so then I will be sad. And if not then it rumbles on again but a lot quicker than before.

Time will tell. But this time is moving quicker.
Stupidly maybe, I still think this isn’t over. But it’s on my terms now. I dictate the play eben if she thinks she does. We’re as before it was the opposite.

[patrick d]

Are you there Charlie? Why the Name Change? Is Big Brother watching?

I haven’t disappeared. Just took a time out for a bit. Was stressed. This will be a Long message. But I just want to write it somewhere, and I always appreciate your thoughts and Patience.

That line you used with her about lets meet up again to do nothing was brilliant. Use that as a running gag. It will work. She is coming back to you. Start working your way back Charlie. Nothing to lose now. Your silence tells me that you know this. People come here in crisis. Not when they feel good. Well, apart from me yesterday!

As for me, read my guesswork from the above post. My personal Feelings, and I have an ability to read emotions and Feelings even from reading texts, was that I changed the direction of Play. I hit her with the shock that she needed. My guess was that she would try to Play the game back. But she is struggling with her emotions so won’t be so much playing as trying her best to avoid a mistake. So I guessed that there would be a Twist to picking up the things. Something would happen to give herself time to make a plan. If she was ok with ‘the end’ then it would have been no Problem getting the things and that would be that. But deep down I knew there would be a Twist.

The Twist; She had mentioned that I could call on Monday to get the things. Ok I said. But I sensed that she didn’t want that. Was it my emotions or actually a good gut Feeling. (by the way, I am a strong believer in gut Feelings and that we know a lot more ourselves than we think). Monday I text asking what time should I call. It was just a simple question but I had already a plan to Change my plan. And surprise surprise, she couldn’t meet. She said she was wrecked tired, and then that she would not be home. Maybe she wouldn’t be home, but I doubt it, and it was already 4pm. In typical German Fashion her plans would not Change overnight. So I decided to, for the first time, start to be friendly and Show some Emotion. Just a bit, but enough to confuse and make her Show herself. The Chat went for a while. Over an hour, texts to and fro. She asked why I am now talking when I said I wouldn’t again, and said she wondered what I do every day and asked some questions about me. I dropped in some memories as the opportunities arose. It approached evening and she went for a bath. Considering she had to be up at 5 in the morning, it was then fairly obvious that she was going nowhere that evening.
She slipped a few times by saying that she didn’t feel comfortable about life etc. So I offered that if she wanted to talk then just ask. She came across as very confused and scared actually. This was not my typical behaviour. Why am I suddenly like that she wanted to know. I don’t want to see her struggle I said, and if I can help then I would.
I said goodbye 3 times, and 3 times she asked another question to Keep the Chat going. She was trying to ask something I felt. So, I said I had to go again, but if she wanted to Chat or needed me then don’t be afraid to ask I said. That seemed to be what she wanted to hear because she came back with this; Do you want to meet then tomorrow? We could go somewhere and you can drink your non-alcoholic beer and I will drink lots of wine. Ok I said. Sounds like a plan.

Now, the stuff will still be in the flat. She may think that she managed to get me to meet and Keep the things there for use as an excuse in the future. She did well she might think. But I didn’t want to get them. And I wanted to meet. I led her down the road I wanted whilst making her feel like every decision was hers.

I was thinking back to tea womans words; “The Ball is in your court”. See, That was the line I focused on all the time. I assumed I just had to Play it cool and all would work out. But I ignored the second part. “You have to score the Goal”! Sitting back won’t score anything. How can you win somebody back when acting like a ghost. Lurking behind robotic text answers. Hiding in fear of making a mistake. I checked out a Thing yesterday, 16 signs that your ex wants you back. She ticked every single box. Every single one Charlie. She was screaming at me almost, but I gave nothing. Didn’t budge. I was blinded by fear. Now, I will do things my way. I won’t speak to anybody at all. I won’t ask for advice at all. Because advice is always biased when coming from friends. They might say that they are looking from the outside in, but they will always, always be protective of you.

Tea woman spoke in riddles to me. Highly unusual everbody said. But why me? She probably knew that by the time I would figure it all out, the Timing would be right to Change tactic. So, barring another excuse not to meet (´the excuse would be a cover for her fear), I will go to see her this evening. And I finally have a clear head as to what I am doing. I will be me. I will be a new me. Bit like the old me, but without the fear and baggage that I carried around with me. And if she lets me into that mind of hers even a Little bit, I will pull it open and Show her so much.

Lying back moping won’t solve anything now. 3 months have passed. Now finally I feel ready to make the move. And she is vulnerable. She is struggling. And she has no idea what the hell I am doing. Why am I suddenly acting like this? She will have a fear that she is losing me to the other woman. She needed to do something but couldn’t take the Chance of me Clearing out my things.

You be strong Charlie. Start to make things happen for yourself. She is ready. You saw that on Sunday. So don’t be afraid I say. Go for it. Don’t wait and miss the Chance. I misssed a massive Chance a week ago. I should have met her then. But ah well. Here we go

[california1815]

Keep your head on your shoulders Patrick, you’ll be ok whatever happens. I’m at work so will come back to you with more on your story later.

Interesting that she wants to meet, don’t think about what it means too much though and it’ll work wonders in your favour.

Go from where you are as you said to me, and that’s that you’re meeting now. That’s what you wanted, work towards it.

Unfortunately for me I think I asked too many questions when she offered to meet the other week. I think that’s why she said she didn’t believe me when I said I had changed. Shot myself in the foot a bit.

I’m not in such a black or white situation I guess. She said still feels everything for me, but can’t come back because she thinks I haven’t made a change.

I will have to show her somehow, very carefully that I’m not the man she left. Last week I think I might have ruined things a little as it’s been so long already. When I said about the ‘I don’t knowing’ she said maybe in a few weeks.

I haven’t been on here because I feel sad, and in some respects this site has fuelled my fire for paranoia, I overthink everything. You’ve seen how I’ve acted on this journey.

I noticed that when I sent her texts without questions in she responded much better.

[california1815]

Just feeling like I may not see her again, like I see that actually I hadn’t changed, and it’s not worry this time around which has been very sobering.

[patrick d]

When you ask questions you are telling her one Thing and one Thing only. You haven’t changed. She doesnt have to meet you to know that. It is None of your Business what she is doing as hard as that seems.
I haven’t asked anything really. Just Little things like has she a Name badge at work and crap like that.

Start being cool. That’s what she wants. Showing any sign of being clingy is a big no-no.

You seem like a man that appreciates the Theater or even a good, well-acted movie. Well, start acting! Start pretending you don’t care what she is doing. Not that you don’t care but stop asking questions.

Start being a laugh. Talking crap etc. Put on a Performance and Keep iotup and with time it will become the norm

[california1815]

I know that my friend, that’s what’s been eating me up the past few days. It’s so hard because I’m at my worst right now, but it’s changed from worrying about what she’s doing to worrying about what I should have done differently. When I think about her all I think about is her, not what she’s up to. I fed into the bait about Portsmouth because I’d already created that situation in my mind. I’ve finally realised that it’s me that’s doing this to me, not anyone else.

I realised that a long time ago.

Are you meeting her tonight?

[california1815]

I texted her just now. A joke I made at work. Said I hoped her new units at uni were interesting. Was really good to see you on Sunday.

[california1815]

I’m going to give up now.

[patrick d]

Morning.

She didn’t want to meet. Too exhausted she said. She sent a selfie to Show how tired she looked; which I found both strange and exciting. But it was her only way of proving that she was telling the truth. That’s a big step I think. She didn’t have to.
So, me being cool, I said no Problem, another time. Let me know. So It’s on again for this evening. She got a bit panicked as she thought there was no plan (typical Germans). So i made one.

So, let’s see how this goes. She called me by my nickname yesterday. And text ‘Nighty’. They are rarely seen words these days!

So, I will let you know what appens, if anything happens. I really believe that I am in a much better place than she is psychologically. If someone had said that 3 months ago they would have been locked up. Makes me proud.

When you say that you are givig up, I know the Feeling. You are going through an acceptance period. Acceptance that you have been moping about for weeks when you should have known that it was over. It was over you tell yourself now. But don’t feel too bad. And if she isn’t replying immediately don’t worry, she will start to soon. She did say that she felt that you hadn’t changed enough and you haven’t. You pine too much, think too much. Accept that it is over and that you really might not get her back. See that the world will go on without her.
Only then will you have truly changed. And then you will see things happen! She is a wise Girl by the sounds of it. She is not stupid. She has seen that you are almost there. And you are almost there.

Hold a bit of hope. No harm to have that bit. But chin up now. Be proud. Be strong. You have lots going for you. Start to look towards London. Not for her but for you! I hear they have all sorts of things in London; buses, Trains, electricity. It will be a big Change from Hobbiton. Lol. But do that.

Stop Feeling sorry for yourself. It will get you nowhere. You can’t Change the past. We live in the present so can’t do anything about that. But, we can Change the future! We can guide ourselves into a great future.

So, go for it.

[california1815]

Ahaha you’re a funny guy Patrick! Thanks for your message. Thinking about going somewhere just for a few days, get away from myself.

Good progress on your end again it would seem. I hope your meeting goes well this evening, you sound ready for it. You do sound like you’re in a good place. Whatever you guys are doing, don’t play any games. You’re not I’ve noticed, she is though. Guarded. But opening up.

I piped up yesterday and messaged her on Facebook, was feeling crazy so said so and asked if she’d like to go to Paris with me next we meet. She said no, I said no worries! Kept it positive. She told me she was very confused after seeing me Sunday, that she’d reply to my text soon. I said sounds great, no obligations. Told her I found some good songs I’d like to share with her.

[patrick d]

She is confused. Perfect Charlie. Perfect.

Ha. Paris. You madman. You Need to get her trust in General. Trust that you have changed and are not so clingy. But that was so crazy that it might just work. I am laughing here at the desk. I would never have the balls to suggest that. Fair Play to you.

Just Keep it cool always. Never mention what went wrong or the past at all. Don’t mention it ever again unless she brings it up in a Chat. Then still be cool.

So, Music and stuff is a good idea. If she knew that you were going somewhere for a few days then that would get her wondering. If she could find out without you telling her then cool. But you could maybe drop it in the middle of conversation

If you get her to the stage were you can have a longish Chat about nothing then that’s the time to strike.

Yeah, I feel good. Really nothing to lose so I will just go for it now. I won’t mention starting again or anything but use some charm tonight and hopefully make her feel comfortable and happy. Try to get her to meet again soon, then dump the other guy. Then we start again afresh. Then I move back in. Then married and Kids and live happily ever after.

Simple really!

[Saban1990]

I have been reading your chats guys sounds like everything is falling into place for you Patrick and Charlie seems like things are heading in the right direction as well hopefully you both get want you want…..your ex back 🙂 anyway btw Charlie you have been a great help thanks us guys need to stick together

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