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I don’t know, I’d like to live with her though. Be a little family again with our cats.
This is what I wrote that I want to say to her, says pretty much everything about where I’m at:
‘Our time apart has taught me many things. It made me realise that I have a life outside of us that I should be working towards. I’ve said that before but I didn’t get it then. I should’ve been doing it when I was with you, but instead I decided to get stuck in the past out of fear, and I got trapped there. I was afraid to move forward as I thought I’d lose you somehow, when really I should have had more faith. More faith to take bigger risks, knowing we’d make it. I get that I didn’t understand that because I’ve never had the chance to learn it the hard way before. I think that was why I moved back here instead of to London with you. I realised that I was only doing us harm with the mindset I was in, and I wanted to be a better man. It didn’t work when I got back home though, I was overtaken by the thought that I’d actually only taken another step backwards because I was living at home, working the same job. And with all the stressors that were happening at home I just got worse. When I visited you in London I felt so free and amazing when we ran around doing our own thing again, and I think it made me almost bitter to think that I had to go home. My Janplan was the first steps towards that realisation, so was the counselling. Things are better at home now. I know I have to be something different, I can’t be where I am currently for my whole life. I would suffocate. The thought of trying to move to London or Bristol (in time) to be with you was so forceful since coming home, but I wanted to be more financially secure before making any moves. I was trying to be patient. I get what you meant when you talked about leaving me ‘so I could I work out what I want’. When we had trouble I would feel so much anxiety and sadness, and the anxiety would make me act crazy. I’m sorry. Now all I feel is the sadness. The same sadness you must’ve been feeling. I miss you a lot. Our boys are here. I want to tell you how much things have changed for me, and I want to walk my path alongside yours because I love you, and I think you’re amazing. If I have to do it alone then I know now that I will, but I’d much rather do it with you by my side.’
It’s good. But take out the bits werev you say you feel sad. You should be feeling good. You have learned about life and grown up.
You miss her. But lifewill go on.
Apart from that it’s nice. You want to move to London for you. Don’t put that pressure on her
Thanks for your thoughts.
I don’t think I’ll send flowers tomorrow, but I think I will send some in the next couple of days. Valentine’s day is pretty gimmicky. Maybe it will even mean more that way.
Any news your end?
Up to you. They are suckers for the romance though. Why not tomorrow? When then? Monday? Go on. Send them. And send the email.
Think about it all.
Unfortunately those other ones I was going to send are also unavailable for tomorrow now. Little bit low on the ground for options now, still at work so struggling to find any time to look!
I would want write a letter I think.
When you say ‘think about it all’ what do you mean?
Think about everything realistically. Are flowers a good idea? Yes or No. What reaction will she have to them? Is sending a letter a good idea? Yes or No? And so on.
You have thought everything through a thousand times I’m sure.
If you can’t get flowers sent tomorrow then send them another day. Or not at all!
The letter is a good bet. But go with one of the recommended letters. You might think you are writing the right things but you may well be making a bigger mess. So accept the reasons for the break up. Apologise for your behaviour. Tell about something great that you are doing. Bye. See ya soon.
You could throw in a bit more like your cats and things you did together. Like “I remember bla, that was great”. Don’t come across needy. You’ve done that and failed.
You could put in the things you recognise now with hindsight. And that you want to experience life away from home. .LondonDon’t text that. Way too needy. Might sound romantic in your head. But this isn’t Hollywood
I don’t know Patrick. I just don’t know. I really think that what I’ve come to realise is that there are no wrong or right moves when it comes to matters of the heart. The text I want to send isn’t trying to be romantic, it’s just literally how I feel. There is no alterior motif for me. While I sit here and consider every option under the sun, I don’t find myself with any more clarity. So far, thinking with my head has only damaged my chances when I look at it that way.
Wanted to meet her, missed it. Arranged a meet, bailed. I can only go with what I feel next weekend, I’m really not interested in playing any games.
The ‘moves’ I’ve made in the past two weeks so far have only pushed her away. I never begged for her to come back either, and that didn’t work.
It makes me so angry how much I love her, and yet I can’t show her.
Any news your end?
Fair enough. Go for it then.
Let her know how you feel. Fight for her now.Nothing my end
Will you let me know when you hear some news? I’m really interested to see what happens next for you.
I will. I doubt too much will happen until we meet and I can watch her actions then. There might be a few texts but nothing much for the next few days. That’s my guess anyway. Unless there is another break down like yesterday again.
My therapist told me today that she is after me. But whether as someone because she is lonely or because she really wants to go again we won’t know yet. I have to be careful that way. Not get caught in the friend zone. So minimal contact. I’ll reply but not make the first moves.
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