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I really want to contact my ex but I’m not sure how long to wait. Brief background: bf got a job abroad broke up with me a few weeks later bc of stress. Break up was end of sept then he left end of nov to go abroad. I only did 3 weeks of bc after the break up after this texted and skyped a lot. Last convo on skype before Xmas was emotional and he removed me from his skype contact list. He was crying. Haven’t talked since then and I don’t know if I should wait longer or not?!! Together 5 years. Had a good relationship. He is just easily stressed out. Should I keep waiting? Or should I reach out now? I have no idea what to do
If you don’t feel like you can handle it if he rejects you, you’re not strong enough to contact him yet. If you feel like you’ve improved and can’t improve anymore, you can try to contact him if you feel the time is right.
Thank you @tighem, I know youve commented on my story before which I really appreciate. So you know the story to some extent. I was going to try and reinitiate contact to see if we could be friends and then move from there. I dont think I should put it all out there immediately. Its so hard to know when the right time is
I’m happy to try and help anytime. I haven’t successfully ended NC so I can’t really say when the right time is, but most stories on here seem easier to fix than mine, including yours.
hi Ly88,
i think the best time to end it is when you personally feel like its the right time. theres no set deadline. but i definitely wouldnt break it if youre still feeling depressed over the break up. i think its better to break it when youre feeling more emotionally stable and can handle whatever the outcome may be. i also think when youre still madly in love with someone its kinda hard to fake just wanting to be friends. if youre at a point that you still want him but no longer need him to be happy then i say go for it but if youre not happy without him yet i would wait a little longer.@atea thank you! It’s hard because I think for me to lose my love for him would take years..or who knows maybe I’ll never stop. I know that this website advocates being friends to rest tract them. Do you think it can be beneficial? I just don’t want to scare him away as much as I want to pour my heart out. I want to show him a better me. I don’t know. I know there sing a time frame but I just hate waiting.
Do you guys have advice on what I should say in my email when I reach out? I’m leaning towards just saying something like:
Hi, how have you been lately?
I honestly don’t know what else to say
I really don’t think you need to lose your love for him… if that were the case, why would any of us be trying to get our exes back? The point is that you have to lose your NEED for him, and prove, especially to yourself, that you can be happy without him. As far as the message, Kevin said not to send an empty message like that. Maybe text him something you know would make him smile, and then I’m not sure if you should ask how his life is going or not. That might make him put his defenses up, but I really have no idea.
Well I can’t text him. It would have to be an email. I tried the whole ” oh this reminded me of you” thing before he left and he said he knew what I was trying to do. Idk so you think just asking him how he’s been will make him defensive?
Should I try that way of reaching out again even though he didn’t respond well to it the first time?
i don’t think you have to lose your love for him, but i do think you need to reach a point that you know even though it will take time, you can be happy and move on from him if need be. before you reach out you need to be in a state of WANTING him back to enhance your happiness, but not NEEDING him to be happy. I’m still very much in love with my ex and i think my life would feel happier with him in it, but I’m also happy on my own and i know if he doesnt come back i will continue to get happier and be ok and find love again. i was depressed and miserable for the first 3 months (its been 5 now), but I’m at a point now that i don’t constantly obsess over him, i found other things to make me happy, I’ve tried dating others, am happy spending time with girlfriends, etc. i would love him back but i don’t need him and I’m in a much healthier place than i was initially when i thought i would never be happy without him and was only fixated on what i could do to get him back. I’m still not ready to contact him because i think i would be too sad from rejection but I’m ok living my life without him right now and will reassess in the future. i think thats important.
i know this website advocates being friends first and i know that works for a lot of people, but personally i don’t think i could handle that. its hard to be friends with someone youre in love with. i think its probably a necessary step to reconcile to build the foundation of the relationship back, but i don’t think i would do a false friendship. i think i would only be able to talk to/see my ex if i knew we were both interested in letting things progress. but i think this is personal whether or not you can handle being friends. i don’t think you should pour your heart out either! that would scare him. personally, i think i would want to talk to him a few times and if he seems receptive i would ask where his head is at but I’m not entirely sure. i think you would need to have some friendly conversations first and see how he reacts and take it from there. how long youre able to handle being friends is up to you.
i think when reaching out after a long period of time i would probably say something like “hi i know its been a really long time but i saw…that reminded me of you and i just wanted to check in and say hi and see how you were doing”. i think just “hi how have you been?” seems kind of random but i also think you should acknowledge the fact that its been a while because texting him something random out of the clear blue seems kind of bizarre.
Yeah that’s true. Thank you atea. I don’t know if you saw my previous message, but when I tried the whole this reminded me of you etc, after the break up he wasn’t very receptive. Do you think I should try that line again?
in my honest opinion, it doesnt matter all that much. if he’s been missing you and wants to talk then i think he will be excited that you reached out regardless of what you say. and if he doesnt really want to talk i don’t think it will be because of what you say or don’t say in the email.
i think i would just acknowledge that its been a while but you were thinking about him and wanted to check in and see how he was doing.
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