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I just wanted to post an update and get some further advice.
As stated in my last post my ex-girlfriend seemed very positive about meeting up initially but after I sent her a message to arrange a time and date she said she was feeling stressed about meeting me because after the text I sent before she went away, she thought I was going to try and convince her to get back together and she had decided that she was happy to be on her own.
I told her that I did still have feelings for her and that I was hoping she would have changed her mind whilst she was away but that I just wanted to catch up, and that I didn’t want her completely out of my life even if it was just as friends. This was on the Monday and we agreed to meet on the Saturday so I sent her a quick text on the Friday night to see if she was still ok to meet up for a coffee and we shared a few jokes so it all seemed very positive.
When we met in person the next day, things felt very different however, she was chatty and smiling but very closed off with her body language and there was no flirting or even the slightest compliment from her side. I’m not sure if it was towards me or just life in general considering she has been through so much with the cancer this year, but between the jokes and stories from her trip she seemed to be quite resentful and cold. We went for a coffee and after that she suggested that we go for lunch as well so in total we spent about 3 hours together, but I felt at times I was with a different person. It had only been 5 weeks since I had last seen her but she seems to have changed so much. She mentioned a few things that I think were aimed at making me jealous but not the extent that she was trying to be mean, I think it was more just her trying to let me know she was getting on with her life. As we were both leaving I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek but I didn’t feel anything back from her, it is as though all the love has gone and she had detached from me emotionally.
I sent her a text afterwards telling her it was great to see her and that it would be good to do something again in the future. She replied back but it was very brief and when I tried to carry on the conversation I just got a very short replies. Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone into no contact now because I feel like we lost the connection during the time she was away and that she possibly feels like I abandoned her or possibly she started talking to someone else online, so it’s definitely something to consider for anyone else that might be reading this.
As you can probably imagine the whole thing didn’t go as I had wanted. I didn’t expect to get back together but I had hoped she would be a bit more of her old self and that there would at least be some flirting that I could build on over time. One of the hardest things was hearing about the all of the things she had done and is going to be doing in the future without me and as much as I tried to drop some hints, there wasn’t even the slightest suggestion of any plans for us to do anything together in the future.
The Friday afterwards (last Friday) I got a text from her randomly, it just an inside joke but I hadn’t expected to hear anything again so I replied and we had a brief conversation but it was very difficult and she didn’t really seem to want to follow up on anything. The next day she changed her social media pictures to one that was taken in my house holding a gift that I had given to her. (I’m trying not to read too much into this, as might be that she really likes that photo.)
Since then we have texted a couple of times and I sent her a happy thanksgiving message today but every time she just replies with very short messages without any real follow up. Maybe this is partly my fault as I do feel awkward asking too many questions, as I don’t want to seem like I’m checking up on her or trying to find out what she has been up without me. So I’m wondering if she feels the same way? Or perhaps she is just getting on with her life and simply just doesn’t care what I’m doing anymore.
I am still very much in love with this woman so it’s proving very difficult for me accept that she has fallen out of love with me in the space of five weeks, especially after all the great times we spent together and after growing so close whilst going through the cancer treatment this year, but as we are hardly even communicating anymore, is it time for me to give up and start thinking about meeting someone else?
@c1182 Sorry for the above post. I was experimenting with indenting so as to put the words you wrote separate from my reply, but I don’t know how to do it (LOL). And I couldn’t erase or delete it. So I will just use parenthesis when quoting you.. Now I have to start all over again to compose my response and it will take a while. My next message will post below this one.
@c1182 You were together 2 years, but the last year I’m sure she was worried sick while going through cancer treatments and not feeling very well either. You say she became more + more distant over the last few months of treatment and I’m guessing it was because she was afraid the prognosis was bleak for a long life ahead and maybe felt uneasy about you seeing her suffer mentally and physically at the time. With a cancer diagnosis most people also worry about the cancer spreading or returning. You posted on Oct 18th that 5 weeks prior to that date she told you she loved you, but couldn’t be your girlfriend anymore or couldn’t handle it.. so that puts it back to around mid Sept when she told you this. And I can almost guarantee she thought about and agonized about it long before she told you. Therefore it’s been many months you felt her distancing herself from you, but only 2 months since the breakup! The main thing you need to remember is that she loves you! Love doesn’t quickly or easily fade if the relationship was mostly positive with many good memories! And to me, it sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship before her diagnosis.
“she seemed to be quite resentful and cold” Why did you use the word resentful??
“As we were both leaving I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek but I didn’t feel anything back from her” She most likely felt nervous and awkward after so many months of not seeing you.
“Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone into no contact now because I feel like we lost the connection during the time she was away and that she possibly feels like I abandoned her” No, she knows you love her and she remembers what you said about letting her contact you when she’s ready. The close connection and spark you both felt long ago is something that can be re-ignited. But it will take time, so don’t lose hope.
“she changed her social media pictures to one that was taken in my house holding a gift that I had given to her.” I think this is a good sign:) She might like the picture, but she didn’t have to post it, right? I’m guessing it was meant as a hint for you that she still loves you, but maybe she’s not confident in how to go about trying to close the distance and reunite. To me it seems like she’s thinking about it.
“I don’t want to seem like I’m checking up on her or trying to find out what she has been up without me. So I’m wondering if she feels the same way?” Most likely she feels the same way! She doesn’t want to appear to be intrusive and she might even think you’ve lost deep feelings for her since it’s been awhile since you told her you loved her. And she doesn’t know for sure whether or not you’ve been dating other women..
“is it time for me to give up and start thinking about meeting someone else?” I don’t think you should give up just yet. But try not to text too often as her deeper feelings for you have to bubble to the surface without too much enticement on your part right now. You will probably instinctively know when to “make a move” on her.
I wish you both the best:) Try not to be discouraged or give up hope yet..
Sorry for not replying to your last post. I did read it and the responses you gave were very helpful but I just couldn’t see anyway to move past her short text messages and extremely limited contact so I decided to just completely leave her alone and try and move on… however it hasn’t been that easy. It’s a long post so please bare with me.
Shortly after thanks giving in early December, I got a text message from her saying that she had been giving me space so that I could do my own thing (which I now know means dating). We had a few very short conversations in the following weeks that were always initiated by her but I could never get things going past short replies and on one occasion I sent her message that she read and didn’t reply to for days. She later apologised for this but after 2 years of her never not replying it still upset me.
It was at this point I decided to completely give up any hope. Partly because of waiting for a reply all week and also because on the same day she posted a few things on Facebook making it very obvious she was now single which effected me quite badly especially seeing men comment on it, but confusingly she also posted the same photo as before of her in my house with the gift I had bought her which has comments on it about us being together that she hasn’t removed.
Around this time my mother had also sent her a Christmas card and a short letter just saying that everyone was missing her including me. She replied to her via text saying that she missed me too but she was giving me space so I could find someone that could give her all of the things she couldn’t. This really changed my mindset about why she had been so distant with me and it was nice to know that she missed me too but I still decided it was best to leave things and move on.
On Christmas Eve out of the blue she sent me another text message basically just saying that she hoped I had a nice time with my family but seemed more friendly than she had been. I was feeling quite emotional about her that day because we spent last Christmas together so I decided to just be honest and tell her that I had been thinking about her a lot and that I missed all of the things we used to enjoy doing together and in a jokey way told her that I would find it hard to meet anyone like her again.
During this conversation she suggested that we meet up soon so on boxing day after waking up feeling very lonely and missing her more than ever. I asked her if she wanted to go hiking over Christmas whilst we were both off work. She said she was already very busy but suggested a couple of dates in early Jan which unfortunately I couldn’t make so I suggested coffee instead.
Anyway to my complete surprise on Saturday morning (28th) she sent me a message asking if I was free that day to go for a walk and have a coffee together afterwards. I met her at her house and she was a totally different person that than one I had met in November. Much more like her old self when we were together, she seemed really happy to see me and she even got me a birthday present that she had brought back from her trip in October!
We spent almost the whole day together and we were both constantly laughing and joking with each other. She just seems to be much more happy now than she was a couple of months ago. We had a coffee together at her house afterwards and it was nice but there was no flirting from her again and I wasn’t getting any signs that she was attracted to me so I’m still not sure if she sees me as just a friend or if she is still feeling self conscious about her self. The last thing I wanted to do after getting so far was to be too forward and ruin a really nice day together so even though more than anything I wanted to hold her like I used to I knew that she would have to make the first move if she wanted to.
We left things with a hug and I kissed her on the cheek but this time she was smiling as I left so I told her not to be a stranger. Yesterday morning I texted her thanking her for my presents and that I really enjoyed spending the day with her. She replied saying she had a really good time too and it was good to see me so I told her that I hoped I would see her again soon.
The whole thing has left me confused about what I want and what she wants but as it went so well I am thinking of asking her to go to the cinema later this week as I know that there is a movie she would like to go and see and it’s more of a date activity but I am wondering if I should leave her alone to think about things now and wait for her to initiate again now?
The only thing that makes me think I should start being more forward is if I didn’t ask her to go for a walk on boxing day I never would have seen her two days later and the last thing I would want is to not ask her out then find out she had started dating someone else who wasn’t overthinking everything so much!
@c1182 She’s probably wondering if you’ve been dating other women and might not be as interested in her as you once were and that’s probably why she wasn’t flirty. I’m glad the day you spent together and the coffee at her house went well:) She told you not to be a stranger. That means she wants to hear from you!
So now you need to initiate a little more contact. Yes, it would be a good and thoughtful to invite her to the cinema! And at this point, I think you should be a little more aggressive as it relates to hugging, maybe trying to hold hands if you get any positive signs she might want to do that, and a nice quick kiss on the lips at the end of the evening. IE: move forward, but not too fast.
She has given you many positive signs that she still cares deeply for you so don’t leave everything to her. You need to show signs that you also still care deeply.
If she can’t get together for some reason to attend cinema later this week, don’t get discouraged. Keep trying to make plans occasionally to meet up in person, even if it’s just for coffee or maybe a dinner out somewhere..
Good luck:) The signs from her are all positive!
Thanks again for replying! I invited her to the cinema after heading your advice and even though I still only got a short message back she said yes and seemed really excited about going so things are looking positive!
It’s very strange after being so intimate with someone for such a long time to be worried about something as small as just holding hands but cancer has changed her in a lot of ways and we have been apart for a few months as well so I knew it was always going to be difficult to get back on track.
The rejection of the breakup is still in the back of my mind so I’m obviously worried about her seeing this as nothing more than two friends meeting up as well but I will just have to try my best to flirt with her and try to get more physical and see how she reacts.
I’ll let you know how things work out 🙂
@c1182 Don’t ever be discouraged or read anything into short messages! There are many reasons why people don’t have time or know how to reply etc..
Exactly what do you mean by the “rejection” of the breakup?
Yes, it might take some time to get back on track, so be very patient with her! And of course it will feel like two friends in the beginning, but don’t lose hope for more later on..
I look forward to your next update after the meetup and wishing you much luck:)
I just got back from seeing her and unfortunately it didn’t go as expected.
We went for some food first and it was all going great i.e. we were constantly laughing and joking and we held hands in a playful way a few times.
When we got into the cinema and the movie started. I tried a number of times to hold hands again and initiate contact but her body language was very closed off i.e. not leaning towards me, folding her arms etc. so I didn’t push it too far.
Afterwards as I walked her to her car I decided to give her a kiss goodnight but she moved her face to the side and told me to “calm down”. At this point I told her I was finding it very difficult to go from what we had before to being just friends as I still wanted to be with her but she just looked at me said sorry and left.
I got home to a text she had sent me basically saying sorry for giving me the wrong impression and that she didn’t want to mess with my emotions but if / when I was ready to be friends with her then to get in touch and to take care.
I gave her a call instead of texting back and in a very calm way apologised for trying to kiss her and told her that I was still holding on to what we had before and I did still have feelings for her and it was very hard not to want to hold her hand and kiss after being so intimate together but that I also didn’t want to lose her as a friend so I would still like to keep spending time with her.
She said she still cared about me too and was glad that I called as she felt a lot better knowing I wasn’t upset. She also said that a relationship with me or anyone right now just wasn’t what she wanted but she enjoyed spending time with me and suggested that we should do something soon like watch a movie at hers or go for a walk again.
I honestly feel very rejected at this point and also feel like I am wasting my time. I’ve given her months to change her mind but she just doesn’t seem to want to get back together with me and in the meantime I am sat here in the friend zone hearing about all of the parties she has been to and the new people she is hanging out with. So whilst I’m glad I’m back in her life and she is asking me to do things with her again I can’t help but feel jealous that she is single and free to meet someone else at any point whilst I am just her friend. It goes against every principle I have ever had towards relationships.
Should I just walk away at this point and try and find someone who actually wants a relationship with me or do I keep spending time with her in the hope that she is just confused and will magically start to feel love and attraction to me again?
@cll82 The things you told her were very sweet and honest! Don’t give up yet.. Try going out maybe 2 or 3 more times or to her place for the movie etc, but don’t try to be affectionate. Then if she doesn’t make any moves on you or say there’s a chance for you to get back together, walk away and start dating others. As a last resort, you could give her an ultimatum to think about reuniting for three months and if the answer is no possible way.. walk away. You could even do no contact after that.
I’m not sure if you could actually handle a friendship with her or not, but just know you’ve done all you could.. Good luck:)
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