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Sorry for the long post but this probably isn’t your usual break up situation so please bear with me.
I have been with my now ex-girlfriend for nearly two years, we are both in our 30s and live close to each other but in separate houses. The first year was perfect and we were planning a future together, holidays, getting married moving in etc. but around our anniversary she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
To say this year has been tough is an understatement. I have been there for her through all of it from the hospital appointments to her hair falling out. I haven’t always said and done the right thing but I have tried my best and I have always tried to stay positive for her but there have been arguments and stress.
Over the last few months of the treatment she started to become more and more distant with me, especially after finding out she would have to have breast surgery and started spending more time with friends. I thought it was down to the fact that she felt less attractive because of losing her hair, because of the drugs and maybe because she thought I wasn’t going to stay with her. So maybe I became a little over protective, didn’t give her enough space and let her wear the pants more than usual which probably caused her to lose respect for me.
5 weeks ago after being cleared of cancer she told me that she loved me but that she couldn’t be my girlfriend anymore. She said that she needed to be on her own right now and that our relationship was putting too much pressure on her with everything else that was going on, and that it was making her feel guilty because she didn’t know what she wanted from life and that she didn’t want me to wait for her to figure it out.
She was very upset and said she still wanted to keep seeing me as a friend because she didn’t want to lose me from her life and that she loved me. Afterwards I texted her telling her I wanted her in my life more than anything but it had to be as my girlfriend as I was too in love / attracted to her to see her any other way and that I wanted to be with her as she worked all these things out.
Since then we have seen each other once a week going out for coffee and walks, holding hands and kissing when together but nothing overly intimate and we have also carried on texting every few days but it has felt very hot and cold. One day I’m getting a long response from her and the next I’m getting a few words but we have still spent some great time together and I even had her round to mine last week for a meal and movie night. It really felt like old times again and now that her hair has grown back she really seemed to be getting back to her old self.
Over the weekend I texted her to tell her I still wanted a relationship with her and that I couldn’t just carry on being treated as a friend as it wasn’t enough for me. So whilst she was away for a few weeks to have a think about what she wanted and that if she missed me we should go out on a date when she was back.
She replied basically with the same thing she had said before, she wanted to be friends but can’t handle a relationship right now and if I didn’t want her in her life that way she would miss me but that she would have to learn to live without me. I panicked and told her that I loved her more than anything and the last thing I wanted was too lose her from my life and that I was sorry for putting pressure on her. I know I was bit needy and desperate but it’s been an emotional year and we have been through so much together that I really can’t imagine being with anyone else.
Her reply to this seemed quite angry and blunt. She expressed again how she was too stressed to deal with the pressure I was putting on her even after we broke up and that my texts were making her feel sick with worry and guilt because I was trying to get back what we had before even though the cancer had changed her so much. She ended the text by telling me she loved me but couldn’t handle this right now.
My reply to this was to apologise for making her feel that way and that I just wanted to show her how much she meant to me in the hope of getting things back on track. I told her that I am going to spend some time focusing on myself (I am going travelling next week on my own for 7 days) and that I will wait for her to get back in touch with me when / if she is ready.
The reply I got back from her was basically her just wishing me a good holiday and to say that she knew I was only just trying to make things better between us and that she wished things could go back to the way they were. She also put more kisses on the end of the text than I think I have ever got from her before.
My plan from here to go no contact until she gets back in touch and follow the steps in the guide but I really just want to know whether there is any hope of getting her back? A lot of the things she has said have ended with “I can’t handle this right now” and “I love you but”.
Is this giving me false hope or do you think that she is just confused after everything that’s happened this year and just needs time to be alone and find herself? I’m not in a good place right now so I would really appreciate any incite into the female brain anyone can give me.
@c1182 Yes, I think there’s a very good chance you will get her back:) She still loves you and I’m positive she appreciates the fact that you were there for her during her journey through the cancer diagnosis and recovery. But during that time, I have an idea she also probably wanted to spend more time and talk through her fears and emotions with other females such as a mother, sister, friend etc..
Right now she’s at a very delicate stage after fighting her way through a possibly life threatening diagnosis, the trauma of losing her hair and breast surgery with the possible negative self image that might go along with that.
After being cleared of cancer (5 weeks ago) and telling you she couldn’t be your girlfriend anymore, you told her you wanted her in your life, but as a girlfriend. You spent some nice times together, but then over this weekend, you told her you couldn’t carry on being treated as a friend. Again she reminded you that she can’t handle a “relationship” right now. You’ve expressed your love, let her know you want more than friendship, and apologized for putting pressure on her. You need to be more patient and remember it’s only been just over a month ago that she broke off the romantic relationship! She knows you love her, she knows what sort of relationship you want, so when you continue to remind her of these things, it makes her feel sad and guilty she hurt you. Therefore, you need to give her more space and more time for her to work through her own thoughts and feelings without you trying to influence her in any way what-so-ever. So at this point, it’s good you let her know you’ll back off and wait for her to contact you when and if she’s ready. I only hope you didn’t put this in the form of an ultimatum that she make a decision by the time you return from your travels.
You spoke from your heart, she knows how you feel and what you want. It wasn’t really needy and desperate to tell her, but I think she would have known how you feel even if you hadn’t expressed those feelings.
Good luck and just give her more time..
@patricia12 Thankyou replying to my post and giving me such an insightful response.
I’m really pleased to hear that you think we have a chance of getting back together, she is a very stubborn woman and not one to change her mind easily. But as she still loves me I’m hoping that her decision to break up relates more to the changes she has gone through both emotionally and physically this year, and not anything I did wrong. She will be spending lots of time with family and friends in the next few weeks so if this is what she has been missing recently then she will have this time to herself to experience it.
Looking back over what has happened almost a week on. I don’t regret telling her how much she meant to me before she went away, because like you said I was being honest and as I have felt in limbo for weeks (especially with all of the mixed messages). I think I was worried if I didn’t say something soon I would slip further and further into the friendzone.
I think you are right however in saying that she probably already knew this and me telling her that I could no longer just spend time with her as a friend (especially after things were progressing quite well) was probably more than she could deal with and maybe it did come across as an ultimatum which has caused her to feel pressured and push me away again.
Fortunately after I apologised in my last text, I didn’t give her any kind of timescale in which to get back to me. It upset me a lot to hear that she was feeling sick with worry every time that she saw a message from me, so after the year she has had, with or without me in her life I honestly just want her to be happy which is why I have left it completely in her hands as to when / if she gets back in touch with me.
I know it’s going to be very difficult not to want to message her, it’s only been 5 days so far and I already feel guilty for not checking if she landed safely on the way to her trip, and to make sure she is ok. So I’m glad I put her in control of the situation, and I think she will appreciate it as well. Hopefully she will miss me enough whilst she is away to contact when she returns, and in the meantime I can continue to work on myself, go on my first solo vacation and hopefully become the confident, positive and ultimately more patient person she needs in her life right now.
I will keep you updated on my progress!
Yes, I’m glad you expressed your feelings, but what I meant to say was don’t keep repeating them during this breakup time.
And since messages initiated by you upset her, it’s imperative that you don’t initiate contact as doing so will stress her out more!
How long will trip last? Don’t feel badly or guilty about not asking if she landed safely! You must know she already knows you’re concerned and thinking about her..
@patricia12 Thanks again for replying.
She is away for three weeks visiting family. We were supposed to go on the trip together before the breakup so it’s been quite hard hearing her talk about planning the trip and telling me all about the things she would be doing whilst away.
I haven’t shown this to her however as I didn’t want her to feel guilty for not taking me along and I really do think the space will do us good. One of the reasons I want her back is because she is a genuinely nice person and if anything she has been trying to play down any of the fun aspects of the trip because she knew how much I was looking forward to it.
I haven’t had any time off from work this year due to everything that’s been going on, so I have planned my seven day solo trip to start next week which will be a good distraction and mean that less than a week after I get back she will also return home. I need it for myself but I also think it will help to show her that I am still the independent man that she met and fell in love with and that my whole life doesn’t revolve around her (which I must admit has been the case recently due to her being ill) and I know now that this has probably made her feel trapped and smothered.
The good news is I am feeling a lot better about things today and even though I still hope we can get back together, I am also coming to terms with the fact that she may just have too much to deal with to be in a relationship right now and if that’s the case I will just have to respect her decision and know that at least I tried my best to keep her and that I told her how I was feeling when I had the chance.
If we do meet up again however, I will be sure to take your advice and let her take the lead in saying things like “I have missed you” and “I love you” first so she doesn’t feel any kind of pressure from me to have those feelings or to say it back. I want her to want to be with me, not feel like I have given her an ultimatum which is why I am also going to wait for her to initiate contact.
Thankyou so much for your help with this, it’s been really helpful to write things down and get another persons feedback on the situation!
@c1182 Okay, you probably won’t be posting any updates in the near future..
But wishing you good luck. Take good care of yourself:)Hi again. I am back from my trip now and I need some more advice if possible.
Whilst I was away everything was going great. I was feeling better about things, I had an amazing vacation on my own and I hardly thought about my ex during the trip at all, but now I am back I can’t get her off my mind again and because of something quite small that happened today it’s sent me back to square one and left me feeling like getting back together is becoming less and less likely. I am probably over analysing everything right now but I’ll outline what has happened below and it would be great if you can let me know what you think?
Whilst I was away on my trip I posted quite a lot of photos on instagram. Photos of me hiking and the places I was going and generally just me enjoying myself. My ex liked every single post. Not just one or two but literally every one of them which obviously I took as a good sign but other than that no messages or any other contact from her at all.
She is now quite near the end of her trip also and for the first two weeks she hadn’t posted anything anywhere on social media but over the last few days she has been posting a lot, definitely more than usual on both Instagram and Facebook, generally just looking very happy and having a good time plus lots of selfies of her smiling and looking very attractive.
What has really sent me into a spiral of depression however is the fact she has removed the pictures of us together from her Facebook profile. I suppose I thought if she still had photos of us two together she hadn’t really moved on but now they are gone it feels like she has accepted the breakup and that she is ready to have a life without me.
I am really glad that she looks so happy in her new photos because I know she hasn’t been feeling very confident about herself recently so the fact that she is posting so many means that she must be feeling better about herself but I am worried that by removing the photos of us two she is basically sending a message to me and everyone else on social media that she is single again and that I am no longer part of her life anymore.
She gets back from her trip next week which means by the time she arrives home we won’t have been in contact for over 22 days. A big part of me thought that she would message me on her return to ask about my vacation and tell me all about what she has been up to, but the photos disappearing from Facebook has really shaken my confidence that I will hear from her again.
I am reading far too much into this or does this indicate that our chance of reconciliation are becoming less likely? Should I reach out to her at some point next week or should I wait for her to contact me first like I said I would?
Thanks in advance.
@c1182 I’m glad you had a good trip, that she is having fun during her trip and that she is feeling better about herself:) Try not to obsess or worry about the pictures that were taken down off Facebook. It most likely means she is thinking of herself as single right now (which she is!), but that doesn’t mean she won’t want or try to reconcile with you at some point later on.
No, don’t reach out to her next week! Keep your word and wait for her to initiate a contact. When she returns from her trip, most likely she will need a few days to unwind. She loves you and I’m sure she’s thought about you at times. You have to be more patient if you want a chance. I know it will be difficult for you and you sound very anxious to find out what she will ultimately do concerning the next contact, but please calm down.
All you can do is keep your word and wait to see what happens next..
@patricia12 Thanks again for replying!
I was feeling very anxious this morning unfortunately. I think I had it in my mind that if the photos of us together were still on her Facebook page, then she hadn’t really made her mind up about the break up and it wasn’t final. So when they disappeared today I went into panic mode especially as a lot of single guys were liking her new photos, but I went for a long walk earlier and I’m feeling a bit calmer now – luckily I didn’t do anything stupid in the meantime 🙂
I am going to patient and wait for her to contact me first as planned, hopefully it will be at some point towards the end of next week and it will all work out from there but I’ll let you know how it goes.
Thanks again.
@c1182 I’m glad you went for a walk to calm down and you didn’t do anything stupid!
If she doesn’t get in touch by the end of next week, don’t panic. Remember it has only been 2 weeks since the last contact and will only be about 3 weeks by the end of next week. You have to understand that while she’s on the trip her mind is filled with excitement of seeing new places and doing fun things. So even a week after she gets back isn’t enough time to seriously consider reconciliation. You have to give her time!! If you initiate a contact it will upset her that you broke your word and feel like you’re putting pressure on her again.
Whenever she does initiate a contact, keep it light and fun! And yes, let her take the lead of saying things like “I missed you” or “I love you” so she doesn’t feel like you’re pressuring her to say it back..
OMG, when you told her that while she was away for a few weeks to have a think about what she wanted and that if she missed me we should go out on a date when she was back“. Sorry, but to me, this sounds controlling.. like an order! So that command is also in her mind. In light of this, I can’t stress enough, you have to be patient. Don’t hound or nag her in any way what-so-ever.
@c1182 Did you write a reply to my Nov 3 message? I received an alert in my email, but didn’t read it. Then came to this site and I don’t see your message?
Can you write it again and post it here? Thanks:)
@patricia12 Hi, yes i did I’m not sure what happened to it though! 🙂
I just wanted to thank you again for your comments and for putting things into perspective. You are right, three weeks isn’t a very long time. I think it feels longer because for the last two years I have been used to seeing or speaking with her everyday so I am really feeling a hole in my life right now but every day seems to be getting easier. I just had a bit of a panic yesterday so I’m glad for your advice.
You are also right in saying I shouldn’t have told her to think about us whilst she was away and to make a decision about a date. I was trying to make it clear I didn’t want to just be friends when she got back, but it was controlling and it probably added stress to her trip that she didn’t need. I did apologise to her for this and the way it came across in a later text, so hopefully this helped remove any negative emotions that were attached to it.
I think it’s clear from your post that what I really need to work on right now, is patience and to stop putting timescales on everything. I know it’s going to be difficult especially knowing she is back home again but I said I would wait and I don’t want to break that trust. So I will take your advice and wait as long it takes for her to feel ready to reach out to me again.
Hopefully all the time we have spent together and the fact that she still loves me will be enough for her to get in touch and give us a second chance. It might be further in the future than I was expecting or would like but I can’t imagine being with anyone else so I am willing to give her the space as she needs to figure things out and I’ll continue to work on becoming a better person in the meantime.
Thanks again for your help 🙂
@c1182 I understand your anxiety, but yes, the most important thing is to be patient and don’t break your word! Even though you apologized for the controlling type text (glad you did), she has that in the back of her mind, so that’s another reason why it’s important to not pressure her even more by trying to take control and initiating contact which will stress her out.
You’re welcome and hope my advice helps to calm you down a bit so you don’t worry and obsess. I’m sure she will get in touch, but probably not as soon as you want.
Good luck and keep us posted with any new updates or questions you might have..
Hi again,
I just thought I would give you an update on my situation. My ex arrived back on Wednesday and I was waiting for her to get in touch but I decided to go ahead and text her this morning as I know how stubborn she is and some of things she had posted on social media gave me the impression she was hinting for me to reach out.
The good news is after asking how her trip was, in her first reply back she asked me to meet her next week for a coffee and a catch up. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much at this point as I’m pretty sure she still just wants to be friends but at least it shows that she wants to see me and we are back in contact again, so it’s definitely a step in the right direction.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last four weeks and I know now the mistake I made made previously was to try and pretend nothing had changed in the relationship after she went through the cancer treatment, and unfortunately that caused me to put pressure on her to be back to her old self again straight away. We were also both completely wiped out emotionally before we went away but now that she has had time with her family and we have both had a chance to reset, I am hoping that even if we do start off as friends in time it will be enough to grow into a relationship together again.
I’ll let you know how things go!
@c1182 That’s great news! Good luck:)
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