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5.5 year relationship and she breaks up with me. My age is 31 and her age is soon to be 26. We are both from the same hometown in Canada. I still live there as does her family. She is studying medicine so for the entire time she was in different parts of the world (Caribbean in the initial few years of our relationship, then east coast USA, and just around the breakup now on west coast USA). She would visit back home regularly like every 2-3 months for a few weeks or sometimes a month at a time.
Our families are from South Asia (Indian, Pakistani) and thus family is very important. We always had an amazing relationship despite the distance. It never felt like a long distance relationship because we talked so much, were so open with everything and would always meet up every few months. I went to visit her in the Caribbean once for a week. It was my first time being away on vacation. We had a great time. I visited her in both cities she stayed over time in the east coast USA.
The only issue was that her parents would never accept me as she is you can say two levels above me as far as education. I mean I am no slouch but I am no doctor/lawyer/engineer. Over the years she always assured and I always believed her that it will just take time but her parents will come around to the idea of me.
Eventually she met my parents and they adored her. I mean adored her. My parents would always ask her about the parents meeting but she would always end up delaying it. That is because she couldn’t convince them and years past by like this. Until early 2018 when she brought it up to her parents and there was great tension in their house. They were not convinced at all. She fought a lot for me. I always appreciated that (even though I think she feels I didn’t). One day they even threw some of her stuff outside the house. Basically kicking her out. She cried and messaged me but I guess they let her back in that same day and came up with a compromise. They said if I obtain a financial designation (finance is my background) then they will be ready to arrange the wedding the next day after I pass my courses. I thought it was fair. And they seemed genuine about it. It wasn’t a game or delay tactic they were playing. They truly just wished I was a bit more educated to match up with their soon to be doctor daughter.
So during this time since last year whenever she would be back in town our families would invite each other over for dinner and talk and get to know each other. It was definitely going well on that front. Sometimes my parents would call her parents randomly to ask how they are doing and vice versa. We were both the first of each other to introduce our partner to our parents. That’s a big thing in our culture to introduce a man or girl to your parents.
Now I am studying for this designation which is not an easy course. But I started messing up. I got addicted to this pointless little game on my phone where I would play random people online. She didn’t like it and told me such. Her catching me playing it lead to many small fights. But I mean we got over them. There was an instance where I was playing a random opponent and I googled her name to see her photo. She caught me on this and was super hurt. I apologized and told her it was nothing. I never talked to this person not even a hi. But it was a bad judgement on my part to google her name.
Exam is December 2018 and I didn’t pass. I told her my results and vowed to give a better effort this time for June 2019 exam. So from December I never played this game. I did a much better job studying (though still did not pass). Things got better again with us and our 5 year anniversary was in January on a weekday. She wasn’t back in town – so we both decided to take a quick plane ride to NY and spend just a couple hours in Brooklyn before flying back! We did that! It was crazy and amazing! I couldn’t believe we did something like that but I loved it. Just seeing her for few hours and traveling back. On the anniversary card she gave me she wrote our story has had ups and downs but she wouldn’t change a thing about it. Everything was so good.
Now, in April she came back home for the month and the last time I saw her on this trip she accompanied me to the car dealership to help me buy a brand new BMW. She gave me a big hug at the dealership when we finalized the deal and said she is so happy. Later that same night she joined my family as we went out for dinner. Everything was great. I dropped her back home. She was leaving for east coast USA in a couple days.
This is where things changed. She had told me or a couple months that her school was moving their students from east coast USA hospitals to west coast USA. I told her not to worry and things will be great there. She was worried about breaking the news to her parents though. In May her behavior started to change. Throughout the 5 years we would talk constantly, messaging each other, occasional phone calls (her gripe is I should have called more), wishing each other goodnight soulmate EVERY NIGHT, wishing each other happy X month anniversary EVERY SINGLE MONTH.
But in May she became quiet. I asked her about it but she didn’t tell me anything. Just said she is stressed as she has a lot on her plate with the move etc. I felt it was unfair a bit she didn’t even really talk me or congratulate me or ask me anything about the day I went to pick up the new car. It was troubling to me as she was always SOOOOOOO caring. Our month anniversary came around and she didn’t say anything. I still wished her. Sent her a thoughtful photo of Charlie Brown by the lake with the caption “you’re on my mind”. Charlie Brown and Snoopy was always both of our thing. I sent her flowers as I could tell she was down and something was up.
I then even flew to go see her for a few days. I told her I just want to talk about everything – see how she is doing and what is bothering her. She said she is okay to sit down and talk about things as we haven’t really done that. She opened up on this trip about a few things such as the current landlord giving her a hard time about an unpaid rent, having to tell her parents the news about moving to west coast USA and further away from home etc. But she didn’t really say anything about what I am doing wrong or anything. I pressed her a couple times asking her is there anything else that is bothering you. But she didn’t say anything. She also mentioned her phone is so old now which it was and that it gives issues. So she gets frustrated and doesn’t feel like messaging me then. On the last day I was there we went to look at phones and I bought her a nice latest phone that she wanted.
I thought things would be better now after I flew back home. But after a couple days they just got worse. Hardly any messages from her and she sent me a message – a bit lengthy saying she doesn’t want to talk to me right now as she is in a dark place and going through a lot. She asked for space and so I never messaged her for a few weeks. I knew ahead of time she was coming home in June. But she told me to not message her until she says so. So I waited a day or two after she landed. She didn’t message so I messaged her. She was a bit upset why I didn’t message when she landed. This was the first trip while she is back home that we never met. I would message her but she was upset I didn’t call her once to ask her if we can meet for a quick ice cream or something. She claims she would have agreed to meet. It was my fault I didn’t call her to ask to meet. My parents found it shocking I flew at a moment’s time after hearing she’s not doing well and she couldn’t see me for a couple minutes while she is back in town.
Now I must say I started feeling a bit betrayed and I started acting up. Near the end of May there was a week stretch where I gambled online. I didn’t lose anything but still. It was wrong of me. I didn’t touch it again after a week. Another mistake I made was after I wrote my exam in June I felt hey I never touched that dumb game for this whole stretch and now she’s not even talking to me. So I started playing the game again and got addicted to it once more. I also started driving Uber as a part time 2nd job as I felt she’s not talking to me anymore and thus not supporting my new car decision and I just started feeling pressure of money. I always knew she hated the thought of me doing a 2nd job as a Uber driver as we discussed this before.
Now mind you all these mistakes are from near end of May to June, July and August. Her behavior was up since beginning of May. In August she finally broke up with me. Didn’t even really tell me why besides I wasn’t there for her when she needed me through this move. I told her I went to visit her in May and also was willing and asked her in June to visit so I can help her pack a little bit. She said it goes beyond just seeing each other in person. I could have called up Uhaul etc. and arranged things. I apologized. She wasn’t having it. So I even confessed and apologized for the Uber, gambling and playing the game again. She said she doesn’t care it doesn’t matter. I told her I am sorry.
We didn’t talk for a day or two and then on Instagram she randomly commented on a very old photo I have from when I visited her in the Caribbean. She put the crying emoji. I replied to her in a flirty way “interesting days right? ;)”. I thought this was a good sign. Couple days later we talked on the phone casually for almost an hour and she even showed me her new place on the west coast.
I thought things were getting better so I made a huge mistake at this point. I booked a flight in advance on the next long weekend before prices go up so I can arrange a meeting with her. I thought things were progressing.
But the day after that video call where she showed me her place we were talking on the phone again and she had just finished cooking. But the chicken she cooked was making her nauseated (she didn’t like touching raw chicken or meat). I told her it’s okay and I am sure it tastes delicious. I told her to finish most of it and save some for me. Since that phone call she just cut me off again. I thought with a week or so she would message or something but nope.
Now my flight is coming soon too and I feel i am so out of luck as I can’t get a refund on the flight or hotel. She’s not talking so I straight up told her listen I will be in the area for a few days was thinking maybe we can meet for a drink. She made an excuse saying she won’t be in town blah blah. When I got there I called her and this is when she blocked me from Whatsapp. I messaged her on Instagram and she told me she blocked me because I am trying to force something. I told her in the end it’s all good and I wish her the best. Her reply was “thank you.” (she never puts periods like that just shows she is pissed).
I spent the entire few days in a new city vacationing by myself. That is fine.
Now what?
1. So I started no contact from that last Instagram message at the end of August. My birthday was in July she didn’t do anything even though we were technically together. She just gave an obligatory happy birthday message and a short phone call at the end of the night! Now her birthday is near the end of October which is near 60 day no contact. Should I do no contact for 30 days? Near 60 but before her birthday? Near 60 but after her birthday? Should I message her on her birthday? My feeling is I should do no contact for a little over 60 days and not message on her birthday. But maybe that will just upset her more and I will start contact so soon after?
2. The good news: I don’t think she has told her parents yet. That maybe still gives me a chance. The bad news: as you can tell from above she doesn’t tell her parents bad news so quick. She is very caring to a fault especially about her parents. She doesn’t want to burden them with bad news if their day is not going well. So, her not telling her parents yet might not really mean she is willing to give me another chance. She might just be waiting for the right time to tell her parents.
3. She did unblock me from Whatsapp a few days later. Though no messages from either of us on Whatsapp or Instagram since. She has disabled comments from all her old photos on Instagram. Maybe because in some of those they had comments from me? I don’t know what to make of that. She has also started posting a lot of photos on Instagram of herself lately. Whereas her last photo before this was from August 2018!
4. This broke my heart but today my mom told me my aunt asked her if her and me still talk??? My mom was bit stunned and said of course. We haven’t broke the news to anyone yet. But seems like this aunt knows? She did start talking to my one female cousin from start of 2018 and they became friends. Not close or anything but casual talks here and there on their phones/Instagram. So maybe my cousin messaged her casually and she broke the news to her as in listen him and me broke up? And from there my cousin told her mom, and that aunt of mine told her sister who is the aunt that called my mom and asked if her and I still talk? This could be bad news I am afraid if she has told a relative of mine the news. And could mean she truly is done.
5. I left out a lot of the great things over the years and the lovey dovey stuff. This is already lengthy as it is but I just wanted to mention this that this was a great relationship. Small normal arguments here and there nothing unusual. And we both always planned long term and talked about married life together. She fought so hard to convince her family of me and now that THEY are willing to accept me as long as I meet one condition (which is do-able) she has given up on me? Why? Because she says she wont be able to forgive me I wasn’t there for her when she needed me during this move.
6. I am working on myself. Studying super hard for trying to pass this exam on my third chance in December 2019. I am working out extremely hard trying to build massive muscle. I was already in shape and went to the gym regularly but was more lean. Also, trying to learn to cook a few things and also do my own laundry as I still live at home (normal in our culture). But I want to be more independent and I know these would be attractive qualities.
UPDATE:
She texted me last night “I don’t know if I should tell you but a part of me thinks I should. My dad had a major heart surgery today. I know we are not talking but I thought of you a lot today”.
I replied I will make a prayer for him and she said thank you.
I went to see her father at the hospital with my parents. He had a bypass surgery. I pray for his health. She was not there but later she messaged me saying she didn’t know my family and I went to the hospital and why didn’t I tell her.
I replied back saying I just wanted to see him.
She texted back saying as usual I do not tell her anything.
Hmmm? HELP!!!! No contact has been 25 days. I do not think I have necessarily broke it but I do not know how to answer her now.
I don’t understand – you say you’ve been doing NC for 25 already and you also say this:
“My birthday was in July she didn’t do anything even though we were technically together. She just gave an obligatory happy birthday message and a short phone call at the end of the night!”
And this:
“She was not there but later she messaged me saying she didn’t know my family and I went to the hospital and why didn’t I tell her. I replied back saying I just wanted to see him. She texted back saying as usual I do not tell her anything.”
This is clearly breaking NC.
I know you are panicking and you cannot comprehend what is happening right now, but you must understand that NC should be primarily for you. For your mental health and well-being.
NC is for you to grieve, heal and learn how to be single again – how not to be emotionally dependant on other person.I’m sorry, it may sound a little bit harsh, I understand you originate from such culture that family values are especially important and of course it’s terrible that such thing happened to her father, but in my opinion it is not a good idea to maintain any sort of contact with your ex’s family, at least for now.
She broke up with you – it is difficult for me to tell you precisely why breakup happened and what caused it, but it happened and was initiated by her. There may still be feelings between both of you, she may still love you, but the breakup happened and you need to heal and you won’t heal unless you distance yourself from her and her family, at least for a while, because the key to regeneration after the breakup is to stop thinking so obsessively about your ex and focus on other parts of your life.
I also think you should be honest and open with your family and tell them about the breakup. The earlier you tell them, the better for you.
Did you tell her that you need some time alone to think things through and regenerate after the breakup?
Did you ask her why she broke up with you?You should do NC for 60 days in my opinion. And if you feel alright, you can wish her happy birthday and even begin communicating with her, given that she’ll be open for communicating with you again.
Hi Vladimir,
In July we had not broken up. It was just that since mid May she started being distant. During this distant phase she only gave me a happy birthday text and phone call for formality sakes.
In mid August we broke up, I tried to chase her back for a couple weeks but since September 1 had been doing NC and going through a self cleansing.
From my point of view I only answered her text when she recently initiated contact. This is advised by some pages on this site rather than ignoring. Yes going to the hospital was a tough call but I didn’t tell her or see her as I didn’t want her thinking I had any other motives for going.
My family knows of the breakup as they use to be in very constant touch with her. So when she got quiet it was obvious.
Dont know if her family knows or not.
This is what I told her in reply:
I understand your concern about me not telling you things. It’s an important conversation that definitely needs to be had between us. But I think at this particular time the bigger issue is the health of your dad.
She wrote:”“I don’t know if I should tell you but a part of me thinks I should. My dad had a major heart surgery today. I know we are not talking but I thought of you a lot today”.
You replied by saying you’ll pray for her father. That’s fine..
But then you go to the hospital to visit her dad with your family.
What you should have done is let her know you would like to visit her father in the hospital and ask her what she thinks about that! She is correct, you don’t tell her or ask about things that are important or involve her and her family. You need to be more conscious of proper etiquette and manners.
Also stop obsessing about your ex and focus on your studies in order to pass the next exam in December!
Thank you Patricia sound advise and now I understand where she is coming from in regards to not telling her.
Should I go back to NC or should I do the elephant in the room soon as it was close to 30 days NC and she just contacted me?
Continue no contact. In another month or so, send the elephant in the room message.
hi 5 years is a long time and as of what I have read you have always been a constant to her side so yeah I suggest you go full NC for 3 months no breaking it from your side. I promise by 3 months after my breakup I can genuinely say that I am feeling better about the the loss of our relationship. If she ever contacted you say that you wanted some space and is not ready to converse with her yet take all the time that you need and just focus on yourself you need to see that exam not as a way for you to impress her or to get back together but JUST FOR YOU. Because you wanted to fulfill it so that when you get back together you will have something besides your relationship that is purely yours.
Just an update:
No contact was ended after a month initially. She was back here in the city as her father had a surgery. She met up twice with me during this time. We did what we normally would do on dates such as just walk around the mall.
She mentioned she deleted me from Instagram because I liked a girl’s photo. Even though she has liked many guys’ photos on Instagram since the breakup. Anyhow, she convinced me to get Snapchat and we started talking on there.
We began texting on Snapchat just about every day. Messages were not as frequent as when we were in relationship but she filled me in on what she’s doing etc and I did the same.
One day we talked about US. She mentioned she had a dream about me that I moved on to another girl. I told her no. She said she doesn’t know if we should continue talking as it might just end up hurting us more. She confessed that she told her family that we are no longer together and that we are trying to work things out (not sure if that is true and she actually said that to her family…).
Few days later when I just tried to be nice and maybe send like a hug emoji she said go away and out of the blue she said she might have cancer.
This past weekend I called her and told her I wanted to talk about us. Her messages had gotten cold and short the past week or so. I first asked her about her mentioning cancer and what she meant by that. She said she does not want to talk about it. So we started talking about us. She said she wouldn’t want to be friends either and not waste my time. She would want to start 2020 on a good note so definitely wouldn’t string me along for a long time. I told her yeah, there is no rush to make a decision today but it had been weeks of us talking and trying to reconcile.
She mentioned she still can’t trust me or forgive me. Apparently the main reason for the breakup was the one time when I was playing a game online with a female opponent and I ended up Googling her name. She found out about it and I denied it at first. She has so much hate for this action of mine. I have apologized and vowed to never do something so dumb again. But she seems very stubborn about it.
IF she can’t forgive me after all this time and can’t trust me again after a no contact period and still she never mentions the good about our relationship. Only the mistakes I made. Then I don’t think this will go anywhere.
@tanda Sorry, it does not sound good. Try to move on the best you can. Maybe someday she will be more forgiving and act more mature about things, but don’t get your hopes up..
Wish you the best:)
@patricia12 Yes doesn’t seem much hope. I have come to grips with it. Still it hurts though.
What do you make of the comment she mentioned about having cancer. I googled it and looks like it happens often an ex telling their former partner that. Many times it’s a hoax to get the other person to meet up etc. but her breaking up with me I do not think that’s the case here. Either way I guess I can’t think about it too much if she is unwilling to share the information with me.
@tanda Yes, I’m sure you’re hurting, but I’m glad you’ve come to grips with it and understand moving on is best for you rather than letting her yank you around..
The cancer thing might be a ploy, but since she didn’t want to elaborate, nothing you can do, so forget it.
Wishing you the best going forward:)
We didn’t talk at all for like a week. If I do not initiate contact she does not. So a day ago I messaged her and expressed I do care about her and wish to be more communicative and a more understanding partner. I said I wish to have her by my side for 2020 and hope she has thought about that as well.
She replied by saying we can talk on the phone.
We talked on the phone and she said she has thought over things and she feels it’s best we move on. When I said okay that’s fair I will let you go now and was ready to get off the phone she said really? So we talked a bit but she wouldn’t budge and said she feels I haven’t done anything to show I still care about her. Came as a shock to me. I guess it’s all about point of view. In my point of view I have flown from Canada to Western USA and never even got her to meet me, I have constantly messaged her, initiated contact, kept conversations going even if she is silent etc. I have called her.
I hope she reconsiders but I do not know what I can do to make her do that. She says she can’t view me the same as before etc.
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