-
Posts
-
@confusedbutok Here is my opinion; I don’t think all hope is lost. I think there is still a chance, but the road will probably be long and difficult. She is angry and seems to be dealing with issues outside of the relationship, but that are affecting it. I think she needs to get herself figured out. She isn’t going to make this easy for you. I think in time, she will cool off and you two will be able to speak again. I can see some of myself in her, being a fellow hot-head, so I know that she will calm down and soften sooner or later. I think she said those things in the heat of the moment. That being said, what you decide to pursue is entirely up to you. I’m kind of seeing this as a crossroads, where you can decide to stick it out and keep trying with her, or choose to walk away. NC is in order either way, and I guess the only other advice I could give would be for you to really think about what you want and which path is best. I hope that helps.
@Nell
Thanks for your input. What’s strange is I’ve never seen this side of her until the break up. So it’s taken me a bit off guard. So you think I should go NC again and then initiate contact? Do I apologize or not mention it? Fact that she said to delete her number, stop texting or she’ll block me makes me very weary of reaching out. Almost seems like she’d need to be the one who does so?@confusedbutok I can understand being taken aback by her behavior. Relationships and breaks ups can really bring out the worst in some people. I think with her being so angry and the things she said, backing off would be best for a while, you don’t want to push her away or cause her to block you or anything. I think that NC for a while and waiting to see if she reaches out would be best. If a while goes by and she doesn’t reach out, and you are feeling ready to test the waters, then reach out, but I wouldn’t bring up anything that recently happened or apologize unless she brings it up and you truly want to. If you reach out again, I think staying away from anything negative would be best. At that point though, you should be ready for whatever happens. There is a chance that things might not have changed with her.
On my end of things nothing much has changed. My birthday recently came and went, and my ex didn’t reach out. I wasn’t expecting it and this time, it didn’t bother me at all. Christmas and New Year’s came and went after our break up and he didn’t reach out, and even though I didn’t expect it, it still kind of stung. This time, nothing. I’m happy about this, a sign of healing and moving on! I’m feeling proud of myself and stronger all the time. I bought myself flowers and a bottle of champagne, cooked a steak dinner, got drunk, and had the best night of sleep in months. Life is good.
@Nell
Happy belated bday! My ex didn’t reach out for the holidays and we broke up a week before Thanksgiving. Some people tsk tsk lol. Sounds like you enjoyed yourself though which is all that matters.I’m curious what you meant by “There is a chance that things might not have changed with her”?
Also good tips about reaching out if I decide to. Originally was going to send a text explaining how I didn’t like the way our last interaction ended and give a brief apology for my sarcasm but now I’m thinking maybe don’t even bother? Just be more casual with no mention of it?
@confusedbutok Thanks! 🙂 Part of me thinks that my ex didn’t reach out and was expecting me to be the one to do so. That’s the kind of person he is. (Insert eye roll here)
I guess what I meant by that is she may still be stubborn and might be easily angered by things you say. It’s hard to tell without knowing her and what she is like though. It’s kind of difficult to give advice on this and know how she will react. It’s best to be prepared for anything.
I’d say not to bother. I just went through something similar with my ex a week ago. Things got a little heated and we both were angry. I called him out on some stuff, though true, my tone was very rude. I instantly regretted it and sent an apology. It’s like the apology made him twice as angry, and I’m sure you can imagine where it went from there. I felt like an idiot for even trying to apologize or smooth things over, and ended up angrier and more worked up in the end. I’d not mention it unless she says something about it, then you can give a sincere apology if you feel she’d be open to it and the conversation is friendly.
Have you asked yourself if she is worth fighting for?
And it is a rebound because it is too soon after a breakup.
How long have you two been on long distance for?
@Nell Happy Birthday!
@confusedbutok Hang in there mate. I’m not really the best person in giving advice though, as you can see :p
@Martin To be quite honest and frankly with you…I don’t know. I just don’t. If you are asking about the girl I knew, the girl she was before all this, she definitely is worth fighting for. If you are asking since we broke up…i doubt it, to be honest.We were together for 3 and a half years. A lot of memories, shared experiences, stuff done, etc.
I just saw she deleted some of our comments in her fb, which I kinda understand. But you are all right, I need to stop checking on her, i need to get better myself.About it being a rebound…maybe it was in the beginning but may have evolved for something more? Don’t know either…
@Nell Happy Birthday! Forget your ex for the day and go have a blast!
@archola
Ok I wrote massive response and lost it because my account got logged out.Here is my story in short:
My ex and I have been together for 4 years where we shared experiences, memories and happiness. She was truly happy during the relationship but there are moments she always wondered what else is out there. I am her first lover. We decided to move to a new city together where she would start her master’s degree and I would start my new job; everything seems perfect. A week later after she moved to this new city her behaviour changed a bit. She moved there a month earlier than me because I had to tie loose ends where I was. She then admits to me that she has a crush on someone else. I panicked and made some irrational decision…I came out as being desperate and needy (absolute unattractiveness).All my actions only lead to pushing her further away from me. She broke up with me at the end of October. Around the end of November I found out about the No Contact system and started it. I broke no contact again in middle December and few days after that she officially got together with the other guy. The hooked up 2 days before the Christmas break. After the break they have hanging out together since. So in theory they have been together for about a month. It looks serious but she not mentioned to me about the relationship yet.
Rebounds gets serious really quickly because the rebounder would try to imitate the relationship they had with the new one…effective they want someone to replace their ex and fill that void.
As you can see our stories overlap a bit.
Since yours is mainly a distance issue it is hard to effectively say what to do. I’d say give it another 30 days before contacting her. In her head she might be telling herself that the relationship could not have worked out anyways because of the distance (an excuse) to justify breaking up with you.The best way to move on is to make changes in your life…get a new haircut, meet new people, take up a new hobby.
It works…I have almost completely moved on from my ex. I feel much happier now.
@Martin thanks for taking the time to answer such long message. I do understand and realise your point of view and that is how I should start acting. During all the years with her, i basically lived for her. I didn’t have much time for myself or something. I just wanted to be with her, would go meet her eveytime i could and she the same.
We were actually in love. Maybe would serve us well a break from each other sometimes, but we were always together.
The way she did it it’s what astonishes me the most, you know? Even more if it’s a rebound, probably doing with him all those little things we used to together…
I know i need to stop focusing so much on her,stop looking her social media, etc. I need to live my life and accept what happened and it’s that thar is missing. I haven’t accepted it yet and it has been two months, one if you count we were together in December.@Martin and @archola Thank you for the birthday wishes. 🙂
@archola, I know how you feel, I think. I was hung up for a long time, astonished as you said, as to how my ex could do what he did to me. It was low, cruel, and unceremonious the way he dumped me. It was difficult to get past how someone that I thought loved me could have done such a thing. Even after I decided I wanted to move on and accepted the breakup, those thoughts lingered for some time. Only now, after we have been broken up for two months, have those thoughts subsided. Everyone is different and it takes time, but you will get there. There is no timeline on healing.I realized something about my ex recently. I was watching Corey’s videos and he speaks about people being awful communicators. I realized that no matter how hard I tried and no matter what I put into the relationship, it just wasn’t working because my ex would never communicate. He always shut me out, held back, was stuck in his own head. It takes two to tango, and I was dancing alone. I realized it was never going to work out for us in the long term. While I’m saddened at the thought, it also has given me a different outlook on relationships. I know I can have something deeper and more intimate with someone who is forthcoming and communicates well. I’ve been missing that for a long time.
Hey Guys tomorrow will be my first day of No Contact(well i guess you can say now we both just agreed on going separate ways) and I was wondering how long NC should be? Basically me and her dated for about 3 years and she broke up with me last October. Since then we have been on and off but arguemnts always happen and its not getting anywhere so I decided to do NC. We have a 2 year old daughter together and I was wondering how long NC should be?
I know on this forum it says around 30 days but I’ve read some success stories where the dumpee stayed in NC for about 6-8 weeks some even more before the NC period no matter who initiated contact. For my situation I think 30 days is good because the longest we went without talking was 2 weeks and we missed each other like crazy but that was last summer (2014).
What do you guys think? (Also she is the type of girl who will hold her true feelings in without showing it at all, I doubt she will make the first move even if she misses me she will expect me to)
I think after 30 days NC ends (somewhere next week) I’m gonna send her something. Maybe a fb message is enough. I don’t want her back anymore. I just wanna tell her that even though I still don’t understand how she moved on so quickly, that I understand why she broke up, the distance and whatnot. That even though i don’t understand why she told me all those things last time we met, that I need to accept this whole situation and move on. That it still hurts like hell, but one day it will stop and the only thing that will stay will be the good memories.
What do you guys think? Any recomendations of what i should say? I’m saying I don’t want her back because I start realising that she really doesn’t care or think about me anymore. She is in another relationship and is my duty to stop being miserable and move on, even though I still feel like crap.
I noticed that she already deleted some pictures that were related to us, even though still keeps some. Time for me to stop yearning I guess.
And I will let her know too about the free tickets i got. I want her to think about what she lost.@archola
I’d say that’s not the best way to re-initiate contact. You’re ultimately coming from a place hoping she’ll respond with “no I want you I miss you… Etc”Instead at this point your only chances are to treat her as a new person. Have very casual friendly exchanges and cut conversations short. Don’t make mistake I made and feed into arguments or accusations.
You can not use any logic in your favor in terms of winning an ex back or even someone new. It’s up to you if you can have a false friendship or not. No talks of your past unless she brings it up.
You do well, Archola. It is painful but at some point one has to stop and take control of your own well being. I believe in a lot of new age stuff, and probably her time in your life is done, and you have to decipher what teachings that relationship brought to your life, and to hers.
On Monday I won two tickets for a self help workshop called Give The Best of Yourself. In short, the workshop teaches you to make commitments to yourself to start loving yourself first, to look and culture your happiness from within,so when you heal and live yourself,you are set free and a lot of wonderful things start to happen. I have been focusing in myself,trying new things, doing fun things and going to places I used to go. People already tell me I look rejuvenated and very serene. Im meeting people by the tons, I smile to everyone again, and new doors are opening for me. I still love my ex, I unblocked him from FB and he goes jealous as hell when he sees how Im doing. Hes not with anyone, and me neither. He texted me the other day out of jealousy, because I posted something about he priviledges of being a SINGER, as the owner of a pub gifted me and my friends tequila shots because of my singing, and he understood SINGLE. I applied my new philosiphy of talking nicely and calmly. I forgave him,told him I was not mad. Told him I understood because I had been in his shoes many times. I have come to a point that even though I miss him, I am carrying on with a fun life, and I bet that if we dont come back together, at some point Ill meet someone who deserves me. We are talking little by little, and I plan to do my move for St Vals weekend.
So my friend you should continue looking after yourself, and this door may be closing,but probably an even bigger,wider door is waiting for you.
@confusedbutok and @Carmine828 I know that. And I know too that if eventually I talk to her, she won’t reply, i think. She will just read and think about it most likely. She really seems to be happy and that her new relationship working or something. I just wanted to let her know that after some time thinking, i actually realise that our relationship had some issues, we would argue etc (this is true, i realise it) and that the distance is kinda bad. That even though I dont know how she moved so quickly, I could accept that we would take a break from each other and think through this whole situation, not jumping into another relationship. I actually realise this…
But yeah…I don’t know…
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.