No Contact Annoymous – Share your struggles with keeping NC

[archola]

@Martin We weren’t fb friends before I blocked her. I can’t even send her a friend request even if i wanted to because it seems she blocked it, don’t know how though, because other people that aren’t even friends of friends with her can. But anyway. I unblocked her for the time being. Will most likely block her again, not because i want her out but it stops me from going on her fb and check what she does, posts, etc.
And yeah, I definitely think they are still on the honeymoon phase.

I’m not a person of holding a grudge too but it’s quite hard this time. Sometimes i just wish she could ask me how i am doing or something. But yeah.

[Nell]

Hello all 🙂

I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve been M.I.A. as I’ve moved on. I’m in a much better place now and actually feel happy again. I had decided 2 weeks into my breakup that I was done and didn’t want to get back with my ex. I was coming here to help me keep to NC and help me heal. I did have moments of weakness and waffling back to wanting to be with him again, but realized I wasn’t missing him, just the comfort or security of how things used to be, or some idealized version of our relationship that I had in my head. I stuck to my resolve to move on, and it’s paid off. I never tried any magic letters or texts or anything like that. I realized I wasn’t happy and the relationship was toxic; I should have gotten out a long time ago. I lost myself and wasn’t the person I used to be. I was the one putting in all the effort and work but he wasn’t. I was giving all I had to him, but nothing to myself. I realize now that the relationship needed to end and that’s okay.

I don’t hold any ill will toward my ex, and I take responsibility for my part in things. While the breakup could have gone better on both our parts; I’m thankful it ended. As strange as it may sound, this has been a massive learning experience and I actually feel thankful toward my ex for breaking it off. After a lot of solitude and time to think; I know what’s important to me in a relationship and in life in general. I feel like I know myself better and I’m getting back to the person that I used to be in some ways and becoming a greater version of myself in other ways. It feels like I woke up from a coma. I just had to wade through a lot of shit to get here. It wasn’t easy, and learning my lessons and to let go was very difficult and took a lot of work. It’s funny to think how miserable I was in the beginning; I probably would have laughed in your face if you told me this is where I would be after a few short months.

Moving forward, I have no desire to be in contact with or be friends with my ex. I feel that our time is finished and we should no longer be part of each other’s lives; what’s done is done. I have goals and passions in life that I want to follow and the only way I can do that is to forge ahead. I no longer think about my ex or dwell on anything that happened. I’ve let go of all resentment. I’m not angry anymore. I’ve forgiven myself for my part in it and the way I behaved after. I decided I needed to let it all go in order to be happy, so I did. I haven’t felt this calm, relaxed, and at ease with myself since before I was in the relationship. No one should ever make you feel insecure, not good enough, anxious, or like you don’t know where you stand with them, especially in a LTR or a marriage.

Therapy and solitude were the two most healing aspects of my recovery process. These may not be for everyone, but they gave me much needed clarity. I learned that I needed to set healthy boundaries and stick to them and not let others walk all over me. That isn’t love and it isn’t loving yourself to allow that. I also learned to speak up about issues in a relationship. If you don’t, you are just poisoning yourself with resentment.

The only issue I’m facing right now is dealing with friend’s and family’s personal opinions on how I should be moving forward. Since I was in a LTR, many have their own ideas about what I should be doing or how long I should be alone before dating, etc. Ultimately, there are no rules or timelines for healing or moving on. It’s a case by case basis and we all need to do what is best for ourselves. It also goes back to setting healthy boundaries.

I realize this is kind of long. I guess I had a lot to say. 🙂 I hope everyone here can make it out the other side relatively unscathed. Whether you get back with your ex’s or move on, I hope you all get to a place of happiness and self contentment. Life is too short to be unhappy.

[Tommys83]

@Martin

Great post. Thank you. Its also great to hear that you are in a much more positive frame of mind, compared to a few months ago and I will try to take a leaf out of your book. I understand it still hurts but its great to hear that you are bit more positive about things.

Your post was very helpful and I have really taken it on-board and already feel a little better.

My main problem at the moment is the amount of times I find myself reminiscing about the past, especially holidays we went on and summers spent doing lots of fun things together. After reading and researching a lot recently, I know that happiness comes from within and concentrating on the present and not the past and also not too much about the future(apart from looking forward positively) when I focus my thoughts on the present, I tend to feel a lot better, but it is difficult to stop those memories from re-occurring.

I will watch Crazy, Stupid love again. Funnily enough, I watched it when it first came out…..with my ex, but I feel I need to watch it again now that you have mentioned it and I watched that clip.

I am 32 years old, my ex is 27 and the guy she has met is 34 – He owns his own business, is an ex head chef for Marco Pierre White (and she loves her good food) and it looks as if he is loaded. Grrrrr! What a kick in the nuts eh!

I really feel like she is determined to settle down and it looks like the guy she has met is too. She got with him about a month and a half after we broke up so it has all the hall marks of a rebound but it is hard to tell as I have no contact with her now or any of her friends that I once called my own. A bit like you and @confusedbutok I feel she is also someone who needs to be in a relationship all the time. As I mentioned before, I have also picked up on signs that she could have been seeing him or at least getting close to him for a few months before she said they got together but she denies it. If there is one question I would like answered with complete honesty, it would be that.

I am going to get out on the dating scene again soon and I don’t have too many worries about meeting up with girls and going on dates, not being big headed or arrogant but I have never really had too much of a problem in this department. The problem is that I tend to be very picky when it comes to relationships, and I feel my ex has made me even more picky. To to be honest, again a bit like yourself, other things are taking up lots of my time at the moment as well which I am enjoying – socialising with friends, seeing family, running, swimming and going to the gym, as well as concentrating on my career and job move so I really am trying to concentrate on bettering myself.

Overall, I feel me, yourself, @archola and @confusedbutok are in relatively the same position and I will continue to visit and read these posts while wishing you both and everyone else the very best.

Lastly @Nell Its great to hear that you are moving on and doing well as you have also been very influential and a great help to lots of people on here and I am also going to try my very best to do the same. Life is certainly to short to be unhappy and to dwell on the past.

[Teddyb]

@tommys83

I’m glad I read your post as I feel like my situation is similar in that my ex started talking to a guy before our breakup but I can’t get her to admit to it – and at this moment it probably doesn’t matter anymore. My breakup is more recent and I’ve relapsed on NC a few times – but your posts and many others on here are finally starting to hit home that I must make it work if I want to get better.

I’m also similar in that I’m dreading spring and summer as that was the happiest moments we shared together, especially on vacation.

I hope the bad days become less frequent – I haven’t been through a breakup like this in a long time so I can’t remember how long it takes to feel better. And I’m older now so it hurts a lot more over my college years.

[Shu]

HeyHey,

It’s nice to know that there’s a thread like this!
Anyways, I’ve really screwed up with NC… I got carried away with
how well everything was going with my ex and now I’m in a real
hard position.

So about 2 months ago I broke up with my ex, we’ve still been talking and we’re
extremely good friends. Best friends really. Just after the break up, I was desperate and needy, (basically, I did all the nono’s) and I then found this website.

I tried doing NC but I only held it for about 2 days… Pathetic, right? So a couple days after I tried again, and it lasted about a week cause I honestly thought I improved already, when I definitely did not. However, after that week, she told me the truth about how she felt with the distance between us, and she said she REALLY, and I mean REALLY missed me. She hates it whenever I leave and I let my mouth run off, I ended up making a promise to never “disappear” again.

The other day (Friday 13th) I had really bad luck… (Funny how it was on the famous bad luck day) Anyways, I then snapped at her and I attempted stabbing myself. I stabbed my stomach. We’re long distance friends you see, but I was messaging her as I was sent to hospital and everything. She was freaking out. We both seriously thought I was going to die, as she begged me not to give up on life and just leave her, she said something that really made my heart melt, but confuse me at the same time. She said “I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO DIE ON ME NOW!!”. Yup.

Honestly, I had no idea what type of love she meant. But after a few days, she told me that she does love me. But she doesn’t want to be with me, because one: apparently I don’t care about myself enough. And two: I don’t love myself. That I don’t “love who I am”. I do however, and I explained everything to her. I don’t even know what to do now.

What do you guys think I should do?

[Martin]

Hey Guys,

@confusedbutok @tommys83 @archola

I think I might have done something foolish yesterday. I broke up NC to establish and leave an open connection with my ex. I asked her if she has got her phone back from repairs, she says she has not but I have a strong feeling that she is lying. It is a really petty lie and I do not why she is doing it; doesn’t make sense to me.

Because I cancelled it before and quite abruptly I felt it could be my responsibility to re-establish it. My goal is keep it open but not actually meet her if I can avoid it. A part of me also tells me that I should stop hiding and man-up.

Any tips on meeting my ex? (she has a boyfriend which she has not told me about yet)

Right now all I am doing is having ping-pong messages to make sure the ball is on her court.

[sixteenstone]

Hey guys,

I just hooked up with my ex last night. She is the one that initiated it. That should be a good sign, right? Or should I have turned her down?

[confusedbutok]

@Martin
If she’s lying about that my only guess is she doesn’t want you to contact her via her phone? Maybe doesn’t want to risk anything with new guy. But who knows.

I say just leave her be. I’m telling you, the guides we read don’t work. If someone broke up with you it’s their idea to want to mend things. They knew how to contact before and they’ll know how to in the future. I’m realizing all this since the break up dust has settled.

I suggest leaving her and the situation alone. No more contact unless she initiates. We tend to overthink break ups and want to fix things but in retrospect it’s pretty easy. Someone changes the terms of a relationship it’s their job to change them again.

[confusedbutok]

@sixteenstone
Could be good or maybe she was lonely/missing only the physical aspect.

I wouldn’t get excited or do any pursuing. Let her continue to initiate. Just take it in stride.

[sixteenstone]

Thanks for the response. I’m definitely not initiating any contact. I did the first two days, I realized what I was doing. So far she has initiated contact every day. The only thing I am going to do as far as initiating it is to possibly send her a birthday text at some point during the day on her birthday. Again, thanks for the response!

[Martin]

@confusedbutok

Thanks for your response.

It seems most of the people have departed from the forum.

Anyway it could be that.

So I managed to pass the ball into her court and left an opened ended suggestion to have a catch up. Now its up to her to contact me after her holidays. Things can go positively or negatively during that time.

I am finding it hard to move on but I am trying to.

[confusedbutok]

@Martin
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time still. What’s keeping you from looking/moving forward? Maybe you need to identify with the core issue and find a way to forgive yourself.

For me I noticed regret kept me stuck on the situation, regret of not acted differently which may have saved the relationship. Once I understood that it’s been easier working on fully letting go.

Look deeper than “she was the one” or any other generic reason why you can’t move forward.

[Martin]

@confusedbutok

Each time I move forward, I keep swinging back.

Earlier this month I thought I moved forward with strength but only to find myself thinking about her even more.

I miss her and the thought we will never be able to hangout in the future is what is holding me back I think.

I am starting to move on again and hopefully I wouldn’t relapse again.

How are you doing btw? Also do you live in the USA?

[confusedbutok]

@Martin
Yes I do.

So the fear of loss gets to you. Understandable. But maybe flip the situation, have her feel a sense of loss towards you.

I mean it’s tough when you can’t control a situation so the best thing to try and do is reframe it. You claim the relationship was fine and you didn’t do anything bad right? I’m guessing she factor and GIGS kicked in and/or things became stale and routine (which is normal)

Knowing that I’d be in a much better place about it than what I went through. I lacked to show I “cared” in her eyes by certain actions. To me that’s kept me in a cycle of regret like I’ve said which is far worse. Because it feels like if I had just done those things I’d still be with her.

But as time goes by I’m seeing her true character, she was quick to toss me aside without giving it another shot. That speaks volumes but the “regret” keeps me stuck a little bit due mostly to the way I value myself and not liking to have done things improperly. I’m a fixer and well I can’t fix this so that’s my struggle.

I think you’ll be fine man, just reframe it. Look at it as an opportunity. Explore things you couldn’t while in a relationship with her. Smile and be thankful of the memories instead of being sad and depressed when they come up. And do not the fact that she’s with someone else get to you. It’s easy to think they’re better because they’re the next thing after us but in reality we’re all unique so chances are he’s not a better version of you just someone else.

[Martin]

@confusedbutok

Yeah things got a bit stale I think. Anyway I am wont be contact her anymore.

I treated her well during the relationship but maybe she is a better match with the new guy. It did bother me a bit but not much.

I can’t wait till tomorrow! Its friday 😀

I am slowly getting back into the dating scene. To be honest I have always pushed myself to go outside and never allowed myself to stay and mope about it…thank goodness for that.

I will eventually be able to stablise properly, time is the factor.

I do see her true character. To be honest I think she ended the relationship in her head before she actually did it.

Have you got back into the dating scene?

[Author]

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