No Contact Annoymous – Share your struggles with keeping NC

[Martin]

Hey Everyone,

I am starting to feel miserable again.

Since initiating contact and arranging contact I am starting to feel that things can go really bad.

She could say ” It is over” and “we can’t be friends”

Idk…I really love this girl.

[confusedbutok]

@Martin
You need to try and relax. If you meet her with fear then you’ll act out of fear and end up with the outcome you’re fearing. Do you have any guy role models who are good with women? Whether fictional or not. I suggest thinking of their character to try and boost your confidence. Or just reschedule the meet until you feel more sure about yourself.

@MrCat22
Don’t sweat it. We’ve all been down that road and our exes know how we feel. It might have given her the upper hand and an ego boost but with your silence it breaks that down. So just stick to giving her the space she needs. She’ll wonder why you’re not chasing and slowly esr away at her inflated ego.

@Nell
Why do you think my ex purposely gives space between us and/or is scared? I could see if I were the one that ended the relationship but it was her decision.

[ThePhoenix]

@MrCat22

Been there done that. I have not spoken with my ex face to face since the breakup in December. I don’t feel I came across needy, as I was accepting at the time, but I did say that I still loved her and had she followed through on her word we could have worked things out. My ex really betrayed my trust and went behind my back to get a lease elsewhere and then backpedaled saying it wasn’t set in stone. All of this after telling me she wanted to work things out. The action was enough in and of itself. I had told her at the time, the day after I found out about it, that had she been honest with me I would have been fine with her moving out as we both needed space and time, but still it could have been worked out. She gave a grand performance saying how she wanted to still be friends and loved me, but was not in love with me, how she wanted to stay in contact, had hope for our future down the line, yada yada. Nothing but more empty words it seems.

It came to my attention, now with a rational, objective mindset, that she had been cheating on me emotionally and had someone lined up the past month or so before the breakup… if not longer. It’s just what she does because she can’t be alone. She knows this as much as I do, but will deny it and act like it isn’t a truth. If you’ve read back on some of my posts, you’ll see that my friend did something she shouldn’t have that all but gave my ex a huge ego boost and a painted target on a safety net. What my ex doesn’t know is that’s gone now.

I advise that you give her time and space and focus on yourself. My ex and I ended on good terms at the time, but there was a nasty little monster that reared its head with her behavior in the months after the breakup. I did absolutely nothing to provoke such a display but sometimes a breakup can bring out the worst in people. Choose a better path for yourself and don’t get sucked into it. I noticed you post a lot on here and seek advice often, but sometimes the answers we need are in ourselves.

[MrCat22]

@ThePhoenix thank you for that lengthy response I truly appreciate it 🙂
You’re right, however my ex wants me to earn her trust again some day. I treated her like shit and its because of these underlying issues I’ve had since I was a kid. I thought I could fix it but i need help, so I started going to therapy.
She noticed my changes on the phone, and the fact that I’ve become more rational and mature. Saying things like, “Now you want to be mature?! Now?! Why?! Why?!”.
Anyway, she told me when I’ve done enough work on myself to message her and see if we can establish a connection again, and I kind of said, ” Alright then, but I’m sure as hell not waiting for you”. So she PROBABLY is expecting me to message her in the next few months. But who knows what happens from Herr till the summer lol.

[knitterz]

@Nell I think you are right about my ex. He is going through something and it is making him act this way. I just wish he would talk to me instead of doing all of this. I think a big problem he is facing is that he has been a cheater, a lot, in his past. He never cheated on me, but he has with pretty much every other girl he has ever dated. His rebound he cheated on with me and I am not proud of that. Maybe the new girlfriend knows about this and that’s why I can’t be around him or maybe he just knows he will cheat again if he is around me, I’m not really sure. I know I won’t let him cheat with me ever again, but he doesn’t know that for sure. Every time I have seen him or spoken to him since this new girl he just looks extremely angry and he gets that way when he is trying to push down emotions. I just have to ride it out.

I am trying to move from our apartment as I am sick of all the memories and everything, but I need to fill out this form for the apartment complex. They said I could just sign it and not my ex, but I kind of felt like this had to be a joint thing. I’m not sure why I even decided to open this can of worms with him, but I just felt the right thing to do for my own closure is to have his signature next to mine. I sent him the paper via email a few days ago and didn’t hear back, so I texted him about it yesterday. I don’t want to consider that a breach of NC since it really was no chit chat just apartment stuff. He sent back a nasty text about the money I had already mailed him last week and there is no way he hasn’t gotten it yet. I told him I had already sent the money and I just needed him to sign the paper. I added at the end that I want to be as done with him as he is with me at this point so he should just sign the paper so we can close the door on us forever. It was more emotional than I meant it to be, but he was being so rude I just wanted to truly have the paper and be done. He never responded to that and I haven’t received anything so I guess I will just have to wait and see if he gives it to me. If he doesn’t it’s kind of saying we aren’t done for good yet I think.

I don’t know, that was probably the wrong thing to do. Oh well, back into NC until at least his birthday maybe longer.

[knitterz]

@Nell I’m glad you see that you are missing a relationship and not just your husband. I think that is a huge step for you to be able to move on now. Maybe it is time to start dating again? Or at least seeing if there is anyone out there you could possibly start something with. I’m proud that you didn’t reach out to your ex with all of those emotions going through you, you are so strong now.

I wish I just missed being in a relationship, that would make things so much easier. I have met several guys that I like who like me back. They have pushed for a relationship, but I just am having a really hard time being with someone who I don’t have as great of feelings for as my ex. We fell into a relationship out of the blue and were madly in love with each other basically from day one. How am I ever going to replace that with someone I only kinda like and think is cool?

[Nell]

@confusedbutok There could be a lot of reasons why your ex is staying closed off from you. Off the top of my head a few that come to mind could be that she is afraid of going back into a relationship with you, she might think you want a relationship again, she could be afraid of repeating the things she didn’t like in a relationship with you (history repeating itself). She could also be testing you whether consciously or subconsciously to see how you respond when she creates that distance or doesn’t reply. She could also be confused about how she feels, so stepping away gives her time to think or get advice from others. The fact that she broke up with you could also be a huge reason for her distance. She might want to stick to her guns, doesn’t want friends and family to judge her, pride, ego, whatever. Regardless of her reason, she is coming from an emotional place as opposed to a logical one, so she is going to react based on her feelings at the time.

@knitterz Don’t be too hard on yourself about the paper. I never counted stuff like that as a breach of NC because sometimes those things are necessary. That’s pretty crappy of him to get nasty with you about the money you already sent, etc. Honestly, it makes me think he is grasping at straws to find something to be angry with you about. In a way I think you saying that you were ready to be done is a good thing. Now he is forced to have to think about a lot of things between the two of you and he will have to confront his feelings about if he is okay with that.

I’ve thought about dating but I’m in too fearful of a state right now. I’m going to give it some more time and then see how I feel about it in maybe a month. I’m so incredibly picky when it comes to men. And I’m planning on moving back home in a couple months too, so that makes me hesitant to start something with anyone. Thank you, it’s a constant struggle, but I feel I’m getting better and stronger all of the time.

I think the relationship thing will just take time. I think with all of us going through these things with our ex’s it makes it so hard to move onto something with someone else, or to even be open to it. I think the book has to be fully closed with an ex to allow us to see that special something with someone else. All in due time, as with everything else in life it seems.

[confusedbutok]

@Nell
Nice reply. Get kik yet? Lol

[Martin]

Hey everyone,

Any tips what should I not tell my ex when I meet her?

I have relapsed badly at the moment. I miss her more even now.

I would like her to still want to hangout with me.

[knitterz]

@Nell yeah I think he is trying to keep me at a distance and if he isn’t angry with me then it doesn’t make sense to him to cut me out of his life. It really sucks. I am not jealous of this new girl at all, but part of me is asking after all the love we shared how can she be the one to change everything including our friendship? It makes no sense to me. I am glad he is starting to see that I am really done with this crap and I think NC will keep enforcing that in his mind. Do you think I should still contact him on his birthday? Its the very end of March. Or will that undermine the whole being done thing?

Maybe you should try and go out on a few casual dates for now, to rebuild attraction with other people and get the feel of it. When you move you may want to start dating for real again and this could be a good time to get used to the idea? It could maybe help?

For me I know this feeling. Its the one I had after my first love. I couldn’t bring myself to date anyone because it didn’t feel the same, it wasn’t worth it to me. I stayed that way for a year, until I met this ex. And I loved this ex about ten billion times more than my first love, so I honestly feel like I may end up wasting my early 20s being stuck on someone who doesn’t even care about me. Oh well, just gotta keep trying I guess.

[confusedbutok]

@Nell
If it’s pride, sticking to her guns, fear what friends/family might think (all reasons I can see applying to my ex) how would she ever want to reconcile? Seems like a lost battle

@Martin
Cancel the meet with your ex if you’re not in a confident state. You will make matters worse. You don’t sound ready yet man. You’ll try to mask how much you miss/love her but I gaurantee she’ll see right though it. You need to feel 100% confident and indifferent for any chance of getting back together. She needs to sense you can live just fine without her. Seriously consider rescheduling. Try changing your mindset to “I’m better than her bf” which you probably are.

And what you shouldn’t mention? I’d say don’t brag, let her ask questions. Don’t try to impress her and be somewhat vague.

[Martin]

@confusedbutok

Thanks for the reply man. I think its mainly because I am a bit ill atm.

I’ll wait till Monday then reschedule if necessary…meanwhile I’ll try to toughen up.

I fear that this might be the last time we might meet.

[Nell]

@confusedbutok Lmao! You got me, I’m horrible! I got it. My username is little_fish_3. I’ll message you here in a bit, promise. 🙂 As for the stubborn thing, it’s a tricky situation. I think it would take time and trust building between you two, like building up a friendship again and getting to the point where she will carry on deeper conversations with you and be willing to open up again. I’m stubborn as hell too, and speaking from my own situation, for me to ever consider reconciling with my ex, he would have to jump through firey hoops. I don’t know if she is like that?

@Martin When was the last time you saw her? If it’s been some time I can imagine that would be nerve wracking. I agree with confusedbutok, if you really don’t feel ready, then don’t meet. Take care of yourself, I hope you feel better!

@knitterz I think that makes a lot of sense. I think some guys are like that, my ex included (eyeroll). Being angry at you gives him the validation he needs to push you away, like you said. Since his birthday is still a little ways off, you have time to think about what you would like to do. You may end up changing your mind closer to time, and who knows how he will act or what might change in your situation by then. I’d say just be open to it either way for now.

You are right. I think it would be good for me to try dating again, even just casually here and there. I could definitely use the practice. I feel the same way about wasting my whole 20’s with my ex, but I’m trying not to think of it as wasted. I sure as hell learned a lot throughout this whole process.

[archola]

Hey guys! I think I start getting better, though. I checked her fb after not going there for some days and I saw she deleted some pictures/comments of us and related to us and I don’t feel as much as angry as I did before. Is this part of the accpetance thing? Another thing…I noticed her and her new bf are deleting like 70% of their friend list. The guy had like 300 girls (pretty good looking, tbh) and he deleted them all. She used to have people from games she used to play on fb and deleted them all. I know that they are both agreeing on doing it and I know that it was her that asked him to do it (i remember in our relationship she trying that too). What I wanna ask you is…is this normal in a relationship? Can you have this kind of “control” or “obcession” over your partner? No, I don’t expect them to end because of this and that she comes running to me. No. I just fail to understand how can people do that. Is this in any way healthy?

The last major fight we had before she broke up with me was that she asked me to delete a long time female friend I had (8 years maybe) just because she wished me happy birthday in my wall filled with smilies and whatnot and i refused to delete and it led to a major fight.

[knitterz]

@Nell I know I have plenty of time, but I feel better when I have a plan in motion. When I am not actively working towards something I tend to feel really lost and alone. That’s with anything, not just my ex.

I think you should go on a few casual coffee/drink dates and just see how you feel. The worst that can happen is you don’t feel like you are ready and you only had to see the guy once. No harm done. I think it could really help you with the healing process.

@archola unfortunately that seems to be the norm in today’s relationships, but it is by no means healthy. I don’t think you should read too much into it, but it could be a sign that she isn’t feeling secure in her new relationship. It’s possible she could get sick of him flirting or being around other girls, or he could get sick of her jealousy and insecurity. Or they could never even mention it to each other while they are together and break up for something else. Try not to dwell, but use this as a sign your ex has some issues of her own to work through before she can have a truly successful relationship.

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