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Posts
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@ThePhoenix I really like your analogy of driving at night (even though I don’t drive :P). It reminds me of a Martin Luther King Jr. quote ‘You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step’.
It may sound cheesy but a couple of years ago I saw a psychic. She read my palm & told me that in terms of relationships I would have a major one that I thought was ‘the one’ but wouldn’t be & would end in heartache before the one meant for me came along. This person would bring me little gifts & people back from my past.
I thought this most recent one was ‘the one’, he brought me little gifts, went out of his way for me etc. and there had been someone before him I was thinking was the ‘mistake’ she had mentioned. But in the back of my mind I knew that I’d never really fallen for the previous person, never really thought he was the one.
In times that I’m a little bit stronger, I wonder whether this ex is the mistake, as much as it hurts, and then the person meant for me will come along. Hopefully soon.
I’m trying to see the psychic again and ask if she can tell but so far it seems she only works at farmers markets during the summer.@HeatherJane82 I’ve heard that quote many times recently! And it’s not silly. I’ve spoken to a psychic recently as well and he told me a lot of things that were spot on. It was kind of creepy just how spot on they were, but I cannot go into detail just yet. All good things in time.
In the meantime, try to enjoy life as it unfolds. Often in life when we seek out an answer so desperately we miss what’s going on around us. Hang tough, hon!
@knitterz It does make me wonder if her being that way is because of your ex still having feelings, she might be picking up on that, or outright noticing it depending on how obvious it is. I also think it could be partially that she is insecure. People like that sometimes do the things she is doing if they have low self esteem or feeling insecure in some way. I agree that she sounds young and immature. If she isn’t young, well, yikes!
The date sounded nice! It’s good that you are getting out and dating and having a good time. That’s great that you noticed some positive changes after putting in work on yourself. It’s a little off putting that the people at the party would just assume you would be put off about your date’s ex, but I think that says more about them than you. It showed your maturity and your confidence that it didn’t get to you. It sounds like you gave your ex a really great birthday last year, and I’m sure he won’t forget it. I doubt new girl will be able to top that and I’m sure he will notice. I can’t imagine having a fun birthday with a girl like that, haha.
Last time we spoke my ex wanted to talk about divorce and I brought up a lot of stuff that he hadn’t thought of or looked into. I’m sure it surprised him that I’ve been doing my research. He told me he was going to look into some things I mentioned and then get back to me but he never did, haha, I think he was angry. You are not the first person who has told me that about him not thinking it through and having to face the decision. Most everyone I’ve spoken to about us has said the same thing! It’s typical of him too. He is notorious for not thinking things through and then regretting his decisions later. He also has the delayed reaction thing that you mentioned with your ex. He used to bring things up a month later like you said, and then we would get in fights over stupid crap that I thought we had already worked past.
The friend I mentioned with the picture, she is actually the girlfriend to his good friend that is out of country with him. So, it would make sense if they are trying to use her as a go between. I have my ex and all his family completely cut off of social media, so the only way he could find anything out about me would be through her. It will be interesting to see if she mentions him or the pic again next time we hang out. I make it a point not to ask about him or bring him up unless she does, and even then I joke or laugh things off and let her know I’m ready to move on. If she does pass anything on to my ex, the only thing she would be able to tell him is that I seem happy and we hung out and had a good time.
The whole thing with him trying to get me to move back home really has a lot to do with him not thinking this all out and not wanting to deal with anything. It’s like he wants me to do all the work and then disappear and then he won’t have to lift a finger or go through any of the tough work of a split. I never used to dream about my ex much. I had a few nightmares after the split where he left me somewhere and abandoned me. These new dreams seemed to come out of nowhere which really threw me off. I’ve been taking melatonin to help me fall asleep at night and it works really well. I think you are on to something about the deep sleep though. I’ve been getting woken up a lot from noisy neighbors at all hours, so that would make a lot of sense.
I am having a really hard time with NC. This is day 14. I got robbed yesterday at knife point and am having overall a really really bad week. And my roommates are not making it any easier.
I keep picturing myself walking over to my ex’s. I miss him and I am having a hard time going through the hard stuff solo.
Help. 🙁
I guess that only now I’m actually accepting and realising she’s gone for good. I still love her, still check her things, still think about her all the time, etc but I’m starting to accept it ended and that she moved on for good and is time for me to get on with it too. What do you guys think?
@Nell I would think she is young. My ex has been going through a sort of quarter life crises with himself, not knowing what he wants to do with his life and feeling really lost. After our breakup, he felt like he didn’t really have friends as all of his best friends are married. He ended up starting to hang out with a bunch of straight from high school kids because they all thought he was super cool and mature haha. He probably met her through them. I feel like she must have some major problem because literally days before meeting her he was in tears saying he would be heartbroken if we couldn’t stay friends. When I flat out asked him when all of this started if he wanted me out of his life forever he said that he never said that. I think she has him on a short leash. I feel really lonely and sad tonight, I am feeling hopeless again. I know it will pass and I know that all of this will be good in the long run because he will see I wasn’t so bad after all. I know the more time he forces the feelings to happen with her, the more he will appreciate what we had all over again. It is just really hard, especially since he didn’t break up with his rebound until I got back into his life again and he faced the fact that he still has these huge feelings for me.
I did have fun on my date, I really enjoyed hanging out with him and his friends. My self improvement I have always thought I could do on my own, but after a little while all the same problems would happen again once I had to live those situations again. It has been a huge step for me to see that now after months and months of therapy I have been able to really live the changes in my life. The crappy part though is that all of these issues are ones that pop up in a relationship and not in other parts of my life, so how exactly am I supposed to show my ex I truly have changed, if I ever even get to be back in his life that is. Ugh. Gotta get out of my own head. Luckily work is crazy busy this week, so I won’t have much time to ponder things. Unfortunately, since work is so busy, I can’t hang out with anyone this week so all of my downtime is already on my ex.
I think its a great thing you have that woman in your life, it definitely seems as if she is supposed to be the spy. Making sure you aren’t moving on faster than your husband. I bet when she reports back it drives him nuts that you are obviously doing so well. I feel like you are doing really well with all of this. Your husband didn’t think any of this through and just made a random decision. He thought you would be a mess and would beg him back, be miserable without him. Now he sees he was totally wrong and it is making him overthink. Hopefully he is going to start actually thinking things through. When you speak to him next I think you should bring those same things up again and ask if he researched them yet. If not, put a little bit of pressure on him and act as if you can’t have a drawn out conversation because you are so busy with everything else. He will come running, maybe not yet, but he definitely is going to regret this decision.
I hope you start sleeping better soon. I feel like not sleeping well and having intense dreams seriously affects your thoughts and moods the rest of the day. I’m sending out good thoughts for you to sleep peacefully tonight and not dream of your ex.
@heartbreak21 I’m sorry to hear that you were robbed, that sounds very upsetting and frightening. I hope you were not hurt? Getting through the split from an ex is difficult enough but having other life problems on top can make it feel so much worse. It’s normal to want to go to your ex for support, especially if they were the one who was always there for you in the past. Do you have some good trustworthy friends or family you can turn to right now? If you haven’t, I would suggest looking into some sort of therapy or counseling, not just for breakup but maybe for the robbery as well, sometimes you can even find support groups. What issues are you having with your roommates? Take it a day at a time. Focus on yourself and doing what you need to in order to feel better. Find someone to talk to that you trust. Realize that things may be really rough right now, but they will get better, and this won’t last forever. When you find that you are having to go it alone, know that you are strong and you can get through this and in the end it will make you stronger.
@archola I think it would be best for you not to check on her. It can be difficult to focus on other things as well as ourselves when we are constantly focused on our ex. I heard something today that I think is true for most of us: rejection breeds obsession. I think a lot of us, myself included, have gone through this after the breakup and in order to focus on ourselves we have to work through and conquer that obsession (the ex). With acceptance and moving on we can find in ourselves a strength that we didn’t know we had. When I decided that I wanted to move on and I came to terms and accepted the breakup it felt devastating at first, but it felt better with each new day. I think you can find some peace of mind and open yourself up to many new and wonderful things in the process. Who knows, maybe once you have moved on and you are living a happy life, she may come back to you, and you will have to decide if you even want her at that point.@knitterz I’m sorry you are feeling lonely and sad. Do you find that you feel more like that on weekends? I do. It’ll pass soon, it’s just tough in the meantime, I know. Lately, I’ve been really embracing the positive aspects of being alone. I’ve been trying to maximize the whole doing whatever I want to thing, and it’s quite nice. I was in such a ltr and often went along with whatever my ex wanted, so to have freedom to make my own choices is a joy. In particular I’ve been listening to a lot of music and got back into reading, both of which fell to the wayside when I was with my ex.
It does seem like the new girl has him on a short leash, I was thinking the same thing. He has to be feeling confused if he was upset and didn’t want you out of his life and then this new girl comes along and essentially blocks almost all contact with you. I imagine that could cause some resentment on his part towards her sooner or later.
I think it’s awesome that you’ve made such great progress with your therapy and putting those changes into practice. I can see how that would be frustrating not being able to show him your changes, but you should feel really great knowing that whether you end up back with him or with someone new in the future, you will be able to do better and put everything you learned into action when the time comes.
Thank you. 🙂 I definitely feel like I’m more moody and emotional when my sleep is messed up. When they say to take care of yourself after a breakup, I think we all should really take it more seriously. It makes such a huge difference getting enough rest, exercise, and eating right. I hope you feel better tomorrow and less hopeless. I think it’s good that you will be busy, definitely less time to think and dwell. Hopefully you can find some ways to keep your mind off your ex during your downtime.
@Nell I feel like that at nights. I have never liked sleeping alone, ever, and so it was like a dream come true living with my ex. He would hold me all night in our bed and would tell me I would never have to sleep alone again etc. Pretty much every night I have the thought go through my head that I am sleeping alone yet again in this big empty apartment by myself and who knows if I will ever get to feel as safe as I did with my ex again. It sucks and there isn’t much to do but tell myself it will pass. I embraced being alone for the first month or so after the breakup, eating the foods he didn’t like and watching the shows I never did with him and stuff like that, but that feeling passed for me a long time ago. I know he will eventually resent this girl, but he has in the past had a hard time breaking up with his girlfriends after he stops wanting to be with them, so I have literally no idea how long it is going to take him to break up with her. His ex from before me, he was ready to break up right around the one year mark and they actually were together for 3 years in total. He only broke up with his rebound after me because I came back into his life and made him talk to me in person about something.
I don’t know what would be better in this situation, to just completely leave him be and let him be with her and forget me, or to give him reminders sometimes. His birthday is going to be right around 40 days of NC, so should I mail him a birthday gift or a card? Or should I send him a quick email the day of and just wish him happy birthday? Or should I say nothing at all? What has been tripping me up is that the true reason we broke up was he didn’t think I treated him right and didn’t spend enough time trying to make him happy. So does that mean that now I should do little things for him here and there to remind him I care or just walk away? It’s really confusing.
I’m glad you are rediscovering your passions. That is always good. What have you been reading lately? I have started reading the first Outlander book and it is really really good. You could try and read a few chapters of a good book before bed to help you sleep better? Or even if it doesn’t help you sleep you may end up having dreams about the book instead of your ex. Maybe we could have a heartbroken book club haha. Anyways, I hope you are feeling better and have been getting more rest the past few days!
@knitterz
I feel for you. I’m trying to look at your situation from my point of view of being a male.. I’m thinking since “most” guys like to chase (although I hate it lol) you’d know best if your ex is like that? If so, you could drop him a happy bday text “happy bday! Hope all is well” make it sound like it’s coming from a place of happiness and you just happened to remember it’s his bday.If he responds back with a “thank you” just don’t reply. Make him want to chase you since you’ve essentially opened up the lines of communications. See what happens. Give it a week I bet he texts again. If not I wouldn’t worry.
Honestly it’s up to you if you want your ex back, lots of people say go NC forever. But I don’t know if it works for EVERY situation. For example, mine. I know going NC wouldn’t benefit me. My ex thinks I used her (somehow) and that I didn’t appreciate her. So if I did NC it’d just continue to support her beliefs.
What I did was I made contact after three weeks which turned ugly she flipped out on me, pent up emotions. I then wait a little over a week and sent an apology email which diffused the situation. Look up “clean slate apology” I used that in the email.
Since then I’ve been slowly trying to establish contact via texts and treating her as a new prospect minus flirting, trying to build comfort up but even when she responds it’s never much I can work with so I know she has walls up. But honestly I feel more confident about texting every now and then and testing the waters. Who knows what will happen though.
@confusedbutok I’m not sure if my ex really likes to chase or not…I was the one who originally asked him out because, as he later said, he was too intimidated by me and didn’t want to be shot down so he went for girls who weren’t as beautiful/smart/nice etc as me. He doesn’t like clingy girls, but he also doesn’t like when he has to do most or all of the chasing.
I would love to do the whole clean slate thing with him and text him from time to time. He has said multiple times he really wants us to be friends and wants to keep the lines of communication open. About a month ago, maybe a little more, he started dating a new girl and she won’t allow him any contact with me. He isn’t allowed to talk to me unless its about our bills (we lived together) and even those she made him take his name off of and such. She texted/called me from his phone and said all sorts of nasty stuff to me and basically made it clear that as long as she is around he is not my friend and will have nothing to do with me. It is really confusing because I know he would appreciate hearing from me from time to time, thats all we have ever agreed upon since the break up six months ago, but I don’t want to wish him a happy birthday and have her freak out and make him miserable.
Maybe it would be a good thing for her to be mad I texted on his birthday though, because last year on his birthday I took really good care of him and basically let him be a jerk to me all day. The next day he woke up and apologized and I just told him that I love him no matter what and I just want him to be happy. If I text and she gets mad, then it will just look bad on her. I know this is a month away, but I miss him and I want him to be in a healthy relationship whether it is with me or someone else. I barely know anything about her, but she is already telling him who he can and cannot be friends with or speak to, which is ridiculous.
Does your ex respond when you text her? Testing the waters sounds like a really good idea, especially after the clean slate apology. Do you think it has been effective so far? Is she seeing someone else now? Its ok that she freaked out when you first reached out to her. When you have all that anger then walk away from someone, you don’t really get to release those emotions. I bet she just needed to get everything out in the open so she can start to see you in a new light. Keep on improving your communication with her and reassuring her things won’t be the same as before.
@knitterz
His current gf flipping out could be a good or bad thing depending on him. I know if a girl has a bf and her ex texts and the current bf gets worked up it makes him look bad because women hate guys who display jealousy since it’s from insecurity. But for a guy it might make him enjoy his gf being all crazy about him. It’s a tough call. You’d have to evaluate how your ex would take it.As far as mine, I’ll reach out and she’ll respond for the most part but if I try turning it into a conversation she just puts the brakes on. Then I wait a couple days and try again. All the texts I send I try making seem like “oh this just happened and it reminded me of you/time we shared” I don’t send “what’s up” empty texts. Only “how are you in this weather?” When we’ve had some storms here.
It’s tough to gauge. When we spoke and she flipped out she had mentioned she was seeing someone who makes her “very happy” it was when I called her bluff that she got angry at me lol. So who knows if it’s true or not. I don’t ask nor do I care honestly. But she does seem to have walls up when it comes to going into conversations.
@confusedbutok The entire reason we broke up, even though he said I was the love of his life, he has never been so happy as when he was with me, never was this sweet with a girl, never loved anywhere near to this way before, etc. was because he didn’t think I treated him right. He hated when I was jealous or controlling, absolutely hated it. Right after the breakup when we had a talk with each other, he actually said the phrase “I hope to god my next girlfriend isn’t as jealous or controlling as you!” and ironically this girl seems worse. He just is the kind of guy who will feel like she shouldn’t do that crap, but not tell her until way down the line and let it fester inside. So maybe me reaching out for his birthday would be a good way to bring up to him again that I am gone because of her? Or maybe it would be better to say nothing and then he will miss the fact that I didn’t say anything for his birthday, which could be her fault since she made me go away?
I think your texts are going well so far. Try the encourage, never require method that relationship rewind has. Don’t phrase things as a question or something she has to respond to, but still put it in a way that she can clearly strike up a conversation with you if she wants. Maybe its time to try and get her to have a cup of coffee with you?
I read somewhere a situation I like that you could use, with the encourage never require method. Tell her you usually go to — coffee shop on — day/time and she is welcome to join you this week if she wants to get a cup of coffee and catch up. That way, if she doesn’t show up its totally ok, you were going to be there anyways doing your own thing, and if she does its a friendly meeting and not a date. No pressure on either side and if she says no or doesn’t show up you don’t have to be too upset because you don’t look dumb for being there without her and you look like the calm one in the situation.
If she has walls up, its probably because she wants less pressure from you to converse. Maybe reach out a little less often or only reach out about the coffee meeting for now and then if she doesn’t contact you first, wait two weeks or so to try again. She is probably still emotional and doesn’t know how she feels, so by giving her more time and space you are telling her you have moved on and don’t care for her romantically anymore. It will seem as if you truly just want to be friends and so she will both feel less pressure and will wonder why you aren’t head over heels for her anymore and start to get concerned.
@knitterz
If he hates jealous gf’s then maybe text him and cause his gf to get crazy lol.I couldn’t suggest a coffee meet up to catch up at this point. I don’t think she’d respond well considering her lack of responses via texts.
As an example, currently she’d been diagnosed with a sensitivity to gluten so we chatted very briefly and I asked “how’s it been having to adjust to a gluten free diet?” And she stopped responding lol
Was trying to go deeper and ask a question most guys wouldn’t care to inquire about.
Hey Guys,
An update in my situation:
I broke NC today, more like ended it (Day 25).
I contacted my ex asking her to meet up for a catch up.
Heres the convo
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Me: Hey (Ex’s name)! Just wondering if you would like to catch up sometime.Ex: Sure, it would be nice to have a catch up.
Me: I am busy this week but next would be good if you are free.
Ex: Okay. Maybe if you tell me what days you come to Uni, then we can do it on one of those.
Me: I am not due to visit Uni for sometime. We can do brunch on a weekend if that would be better.
Ex: Sure, we could do that. I guess you are busy in the evenings after work, but this would also be fine with me.
Me: I am free on the 4th evening and that weekend.
Ex: 4th evening is fine with me.
Me: Alright
Ex: Okay, see you on the 4th then
—————————————————————She is still with her bf and I found out that they have been sending each other “love you lot” messages. I am not sure if her relationship with him is the real deal either way I want to work on getting her back. I did not build any attraction via messages…I will work on that closer to the date I think.
What do you guys think?
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