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I am on day 23 NC
Still not sure what to do. Only if I know what is in her head I can get her back a lot more easily.
I know if I message my ex she would respond back almost immediately.
Guys, I think that your exes wont come back until they get some disappointment from the current new flame. When the embers start to extinguish they will start looking back.
My case is very bizarre now. We talk, we do gigs, he says he loves me, he gets madly jealous, and yet he wont come back,he wont call if I dont. He is still stuck behind his emotional wall, which is very draining for me. Im in a what the hell I do state: hang around, go nc… dont know anymore.
What do you mean by disappointment?
I have a feeling that her new flame could be wearing out but I do not know what course of action to take.
If she thinks I have moved on, she might not come back.
Also she has way to much pride and ego.
When we start a new thing we have a tendency of idealizing it. When the new guy starts showing his true colors she will see that it was a mirage and she may start missing the real thing she had with you. Since she is too proud you should give the impression of moving on because right now she thinks she has all under control and you are her Plan B. When she notices tou are truly determined to move on she will go ballistics. I did the flower guy trick, and it worked in the sense he was not speaking to me at all and now at least we talk a lot and have seen each other a couple of times,even hanged out on V day.
I have already showed her that I am moving on or moved on; the last time we messaged I kept my messaged to point and blunt. She probably wanted a conversation but I did not give her one.
What I fear is that she might not enjoy being alone so she will try and stick in this relationship until the pain eases.
There are way too many conflicting thoughts and I do not want to make a wrong move…w.e happens I am going for a 30day NC before I do anything.
I’m on day 14 of NC and so far, my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and it’s been a little difficult but getting easier.
I’ve been working on myself a lot with school, and therapy.
My ex told me Happy B-Day yesterday, but she told me she was when we broke up (so idk how weight that really holds). I just need to stop constantly checking her twitter.
I fear that this will be all for nothing once my 30+ days are up.Trust the NC, improve yourself and take the chances. She broke up with you because you had some anger issues hence you need to show her that you are calm and peaceful now.
At the same time get some blazers, new hair cut and dress well when you meet her for the first time.
@HeatherJane82 I understand that it hurts. We always carry those we have loved in our hearts. Always. Never forget that. Despite distance, time, even death… they’re there. I think too often people just give up on things worth fighting for, but everyone has their own path to walk and at their own pace. At this time, my ex is not worth fighting for… I am and I deserve better, so I’m taking on the approach of “dating” myself, so to speak. I get how you feel and I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this pain. As I’ve said in the past, a skinned knee is easier to mend than a skinned heart. But take this experience and grow from it if you can. It won’t happen over night, it will be challenging, and I won’t lie and say it gets easier– rather it becomes more manageable and affects you less.
As of last night, I removed my ex from fb. I know it’s advised to keep them around so they can see how happy you are and that you’re moving on with your life, but in my mind that’s just an attempt to try to prove something. I have nothing to prove to someone like her. If she really cares about how I am, she’ll find a way I’m sure (if not her family bringing up my successes since her step-dad and grandparents love me). -shrug- After hearing about my ex’s recent behavior and her futile attempts to prove herself to those around her and acting like a 13 year old (she’ll be 25 on Sunday mind you), I realized how silly it was. I had originally unfollowed her so it wouldn’t show on my feed, but a friend had told me something ridiculous she posted:
“Love is when someone does not try to tame you, but rather runs wild with you.”
My friend had been tempted to say, “Uh.. you had that with ThePhoenix!” but thankfully did not. It’s funny because I have noticed a pattern with my ex. She said the same thing to me many times during our relationship and told me numerous times she was thankful that I never tried to change her, but embraced her and celebrated it. It’s almost a slap to the face with her playing victim and trying to say I tried to change her/control her. It pains me to say it, but having a rational mind and objectiveness, she truly is unhappy and damaged inside. As a result, being unwilling to try to work on herself internally, she attributes problems to external things and places the blame on others. As my counselor has said, she’s pointing a finger but has 3 more back on her. Her way of coping with the voids in herself and the abuse she suffered in the past is to latch onto others and siphon their happiness and attention. It never lasts, but how could it? No matter how much water you try to put into a cup that has a hole in it, it will never be full unless you seal the hole.
I’ve washed my hands of it for now. I have no doubt she’ll be back in the future should things blow up in her face (as they have a tendency to do) or she realizes what she’s lost. But I’m closing the door. Until she has proven that she loves herself and has dealt with her problems, if she ever decides to, there is nothing I have to offer or will offer aside from time and space. I come first. I’m happy and I love myself. I have a tendency to help others in any way I can, but have realized I cannot help those who cannot help themselves. Yes, I knew this before but I never had it hit me really until now.
I will add to this: the best thing my ex before her did was to remove me from fb and block me. We had tried to talk as friends after we broke up, but I was young, foolish, and insecure. I drove her away as a friend and it drove me nuts when she cut me out of her life. I wanted so badly to know what she was up to, how she was, etc. Years later, having grown and matured, we were able to sort things out. We talk often now and look back at the experience with a cheeky grin and laughter, knowing how inexperienced and foolish we were. Her silence and resolve at that time were the greatest gifts she had ever given me. I know it wasn’t easy for her and she told me she regretted being a jerk, but it was the best thing at the time.
When I cut communication with my current ex when we were just friends, she came back in time. She had it in her mind that I was a terrible person, didn’t care about her, and her ‘new’ friends were amazing and loved her deeply. Many nasty things had been said to me, but I kept cool and told her if she wanted to be friends again, then come find me when she was ready. She found out the hard way that they didn’t care and just wanted to have fun. She realized she had messed up and acted foolishly. Realizing what she had and appreciating my friendship, she took a big step months later to reconcile.
Time is a wonderful thing, but you have to focus on yourself and care less about whoever has hurt you. Stay strong all!
@Nell she did end up getting mad. Her exact response was: “you’re crazy I’m not even going to read that.” So I responded “you won’t read an apology? Ok. I still wish you two the best of luck even if you are acting this way.” Maybe that was a little too harsh but the old me wouldn’t have stayed so calm after all the disrespect she has shown me. I do think he gave her his phone only because he hates having a jealous controlling girlfriend and it’s just easier to hand the phone over than argue about it. He would have done the same if I had ever asked even though I know he secretly hated when I got jealous like that. He can be a bit of a pushover but keeps saying he won’t date girls that do this crap. She is way more dramatic than I ever was so there’s that.
Does he really want a divorce or are you guys just doing a separation? I think it could be nice if you got to see him face to face again to talk all of this through and see what is really going on with him. That’s weird your friend offered the photo. Maybe she knows he is missing you and wanted to test the waters to see if you still have feelings for him? That’s very odd. Keep focusing on you for now and I think you will have more answers than questions soon.
@ThePhoenix All of what you say makes sense. I just need to figure out how to make the move from feeling depressed, hurt and wanting him back so badly to truly believing that I deserve better and can find it. Right now that seems like an insurmountable obstacle. I have a very hard time letting go, not just in relationships and I give anything I really care about my all which is why I’m having such a tough time with this. It can be done, but I feel like by giving up or letting go, I’m giving up any hope that he will come back down the road. Along with feeling that if I do, all of it was a lie and that hurts so much (sorry for repeating myself. I know I must seem like all I do is go on about how miserable and heartbroken I am and have no spine. Deep down I know I wont feel this way forever and that I do deserve better, its so hard to see right now. Everything seems hopeless. What my mind knows, the heart doesn’t want to listen).
I also tend to go out of my way for people I care about and end up getting walked all over. I take things to heart, sometimes too much and some may say I’m too sensitive but that’s who I am.
@ThePhoenix It never ceases to amaze me how much alike our ex’s are. My ex is extremely guilty of deflection (pointing fingers), which my therapist brought up. It’s a shame that they can’t take some responsibility for themselves and look inside. It’s sad really. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you sound strong and in a great frame of mind. I really admire you for that!
@knitterz She totally read your message, lol, whatever. She sounds like a real piece of work. I don’t think what you said was too harsh. Kudos on not showing any upset and wishing them both well. I’m sure that made her mad too. Her behavior is going to make you look better and better without you even having to try. She must be exhausting to put up with.My ex won’t talk about anything except divorce and how we are going to do it. He won’t talk about us, the relationship, nothing. He messaged me a few days after the breakup trying to push me into talking about divorce and me moving back home to my family. Great guy right? Way to give a person time to let all that sink in. He’s out of the country for another 3 months or so. I’m going to do NC until then, and when he gets back he’ll have to get his stuff, so we will see each other at that point. When my friend mentioned the photo she made a joke about it, said I could throw darts at it. I laughed it off and said while it was tempting, I’ll pass. But really, it still seems odd to me. I had the same thought you did about it but I didn’t want to over think it or get my hopes up over anything.
I’ve been having dreams about my ex lately and it’s really throwing me off. I had decided that I wanted to move on and didn’t want him back, but the dreams are giving me mixed emotions. In one dream he came to get his stuff, but had to stay over for some reason. He took and shower and walked around the apartment naked, and then tried to get me to sleep with him. In another, we had reconciled and were renewing our vows! Ugh. These dreams are making it so hard right now, and it sucks that I can’t control them.
You’re preaching to the choir hon. Trust me, I am a very determined woman and I don’t like to feel like I’ve failed at something. I do not give up easily. But the way I see it this is not giving up, it’s enduring and growing into something more. I waited 2 years to be able to date my now ex. 2 years. Did I sit around just chasing after her, let my life revolve around her? No. I lived my life. I too go out of my way to help those I care about, and even those I hardly know. It’s just how I was raised.
Life can be like driving at night sometimes. You can only see but so far ahead of you as your lights only show but so much of the road. You have to go a bit at a time. Drive too fast and you’ll overdrive your headlights and have problems. Sometimes we hit patches of fog and have to slow down and can’t see quite as well. But with patience, we still get by.
Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Humans are creatures of habit. I’ve heard the way to make something permanent is to do it 21 times. When you wake up in the morning get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day. I know even that could be a challenge, but you’ve just got to do it. When you’re done, stand in front of a mirror and strike the classic Wonder Woman pose. You would not believe how much confidence that can give you and I believe it’s been scientifically proven to be helpful. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how confident, happy, strong, and successful you are, and whatever else needs to be said. Smile when you do it. Do this enough times, at least 21 days preferably, and you will start to change how your brain fires. It’s really helping you in the long run. 😉
When I first started NC, I was determined not to sulk all the time. Whenever I ventured out to run errands and the like, I would make myself smile and put a pep in my step. It paid off immensely. Perfect strangers would pick up on it and smile, wave, and greet me. In return, that just made me feel even better and it became a genuine display. Heck, some days I had encountered people that were total grumps who smiled and it seemed to help them more than me. Contagious. Fake it until you make it.
@Nell It really is quite coincidental! But as I’ve been told, it catches up at some point. So we’ll see how that goes in time. You, too, sound like you’ve got a great noggin! It’s interesting for us to sit back and work on ourselves while exes are off on a great snipe hunt!
Dreams are a strange thing. I’ve had a few with my ex, which is funny as I never really dreamed of her before. But hey, it’s just your brain trying to work through things. It can really throw you off, but take it as a good sign that your brain is actually sorting through things.
@Nell I really hope so. I don’t even understand her problem honestly, if she has to be that jealous and freak out over me then she must know he is still in love with me. I think my ex is going through a quarter life crises right now, hanging out with much younger people (18-19) and partying too much. It sucks, but the more I have been looking back the past few months, the more I am convinced he still has strong feelings for me. This girl is a distraction. He always has had a delayed reaction to these types of things. He probably let her do all this and was acting fine with it, but knowing him they will get in a totally unrelated fight a month from now and he will bring it up and be mad at her for it. That’s what always happened with us. How come he can be friends with his other ex girlfriends though? Even the one he has way way more history with than me? I don’t know anything about this girl, I haven’t cared to ask actually. I don’t even know her name, but I can assume she is really young and immature.
I went on a really nice first date last night and we ended up going to a party his friends were having. I had a really great time with everyone, but one of his close friends is his ex girlfriend from a long time ago. Everyone was looking at me like is she going to be jealous? but honestly it wasn’t a problem for me at all. I think that is a good sign as I have worked through my jealousy issues in therapy and now its becoming really obvious that I can actually be in those situations and not care. It was a really nice feeling.
Who knows what the future holds? I care deeply for my ex and no matter what I do to pretend I don’t have feelings, I still do and I still want to be with him in the future. I just have to keep moving forward. I am counting today as NC day 5 because I don’t think it counts when his girlfriend and I talked? Hopefully he has a lot of time over the next few months dating this girl and seeing that she really isn’t all that great. His birthday is coming up soon and I don’t plan on reaching out to him. Last year, he was a total jerk to me on his birthday and I still made it as special as possible for him. His favorite cupcakes, knitted him a few really special things he loved, when he drank too much and vomited on himself I rubbed his back and then cleaned him up. The next day he apologized for being so mean and I just told him I loved him and none of that mattered. I doubt his new girlfriend is going to be able to be so loving to him this year and I think that will be when he really starts to notice I am gone and be sad.
That’s a bummer about your ex. I wonder why he can’t even talk to you about all of this when he gets home? I think he may just be confused how he is feeling since you two haven’t seen each other in person for so long. When he comes home and gets his stuff, you should play it cool and act like a friend would, asking how his trip was, wishing him luck etc. Maybe you could be the first person to bring up divorce papers? Ask him when is a good time to discuss it and get the paperwork started. I know that sounds crappy since you don’t really want a divorce, but it might light a fire in him telling him that he messed up and you are great without him. He sounds like he isn’t really thinking it through and so wants to just get everything done as soon as possible so he doesn’t have to face his decision.
That is really weird your friend was giving you the picture to throw darts at, I wonder if she was sent to see how angry or upset you still are with him. I think now more than ever it will be good for you to show strength and act as if you don’t care about him that way anymore. As for him trying to get you to move back home, that is crappy and you should bring up to him your house is just as much yours as his. I’m not totally sure, but I think while you two are still married you can probably sell the house by yourself and then just later give him half the money so you can be out on your own feet. That would be really hard, but it could be good for you and it would really show him you are doing great. Everyone talks about “winning” the breakup which is really dumb, but it could actually work in your favor if you show him you “won” when he walked away.
As for the dreams, I think we all have those sometimes. I dream of my ex like once a week right now. It used to be a lot more, but now it doesn’t happen as often. Some of the dreams have been us getting back together, some have been us running into each other five years down the road and he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and immediately proposes, some have been me running into him after some time and I am happily married to someone else, some have been of us fighting and never speaking again. Super weird, but we can’t really look too much into those types of dreams. They are just our brain’s way of processing the pain. Maybe try drinking some tea thats made for sleeping before bed or taking a sleeping pill. Remembering dreams often is a sign that you aren’t getting enough deep sleep, so maybe you just need to be extra sleepy when you go to bed.
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