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This is what I replied back to her email.
“No worries, that must have been accidental. It is a bit late now so goodnight :)”
Since she missed called me and emailed me thought it would only be polite to do that.
– she replied back (email) immediately after
Saying “Thanks again. Good night.”
Hope I did good.
Back to NC 🙂
@Martine You did well mate. If it was me I wouldn’t have dealt with the situation better than you did. Go back to NC though, I think it’s best, but wait for other people opinions.
Btw, Martin, I don’t remember your story 100%…but was there a 3rd person involved? I mean, did your ex get together with someone?If only my ex would write anything to me…and I swear I do want to move on, but just knowing that she would be alone, would be a relief to me.
So I caved and sent her a text asking how she’s holding up in this weather. That was an hour ago, guess what.. No response
Guess that pretty much tells me where I stand. Funny that the last time we spoke she said we were on friendly good terms and can’t even respond to a simple question checking up on her.
@ThePhoenix That makes a lot of sense based on what you’ve said about your ex. It’s not typical to say the least. Most people want their stuff back fairly soon after a breakup, or they wouldn’t trust to leave it with an ex for so long. I’d agree she has some motive in doing so. I’m like you. I’m rational and logical and I don’t make decisions in haste. I also always think that if something is broke, you fix it, not trash it. My ex is the opposite.
I did some reading this morning about Gigs and I’m 99% certain my ex has it. It would explain why things were fine, then he up and left the relationship out of the blue. We were also talking about starting a family, so that would be the “big life change” or whatever that is usually mentioned. I’m also still paying all the bills and I have all of his stuff. He is out of country so can’t get it yet, but he hasn’t done anything on his part to take the burden off of me, like having friends come get his stuff for instance. Makes me think it’s a fail-safe of sorts like you mentioned with your ex. If he wanted to come back he could easily and everything would be right where he left it.
@knitterz I don’t know if it’s a good idea to completely ignore him about the bill for the rest of your NC. I wouldn’t want you two to have problems over money/bills. Maybe a short message to him when you feel ready just to see how/where to drop the money? Hopefully, it can be in a way that you don’t have to see him face to face.
@Martin Great job not letting her suck you in! I think you handled it well. 🙂
@confusedbutok I’d give it a couple days and see if she messages back. She could be leaving you hanging for a while on purpose, I’ve done that before. I think using the weather was a good way to message without looking obvious.&Nell
It wouldn’t make sense for her to message me days later since the storm was yesterday into today? LolI don’t know my last text was a funny pic on Wednesday and she didn’t reply while everyone else I sent it to at least responded with a “haha” or “lol”
Maybe I should just get the hint 🙁
@Nell I texted him and said “I didn’t go to “business name” for you at all. Where do you want me to send the money?” he responded almost immediately with his home address which I think is a good sign because he didn’t want me to know where he lived before. I texted back after like ten or so minutes “I will send it as soon as I can.” Never heard back from him. He doesn’t even care to ask me how I am or anything. He only put his address down and nothing else in the message, not even “this is my address.” I hate all of this. I just want to be done with it all. Sometimes I wish I had never even met him. I feel like I broke NC which makes me feel really upset. Bleh, I will send him the money this week in an envelope with nothing else and be done. Or should I put something else in there? I don’t even know anymore.
@confusedbutok I guess I don’t see her not getting back to you right away as a big deal. Between myself and my family and friends, we get busy and hardly ever text each other back right away. I admire you for taking the steps to try to contact her though, that’s not easy.
@knitterz I think it’s a good sign, like you said that he gave his address. I’d try not to over think the texts too much. It’s easy to read something into it that isn’t there. Also, who knows if the new gf is checking his phone. I know exactly how you feel, I had some of the same thoughts today myself. Just ready to be done. Don’t feel bad about messaging him and breaking NC, it was about bills, and it’s a necessary evil. I had to do it myself a few times. I remember feeling envious of those who didn’t have shared bills and such between their ex’s and could do a free and clean NC. I wouldn’t put anything else in the envelope, just the money, you still want to keep up with your NC. I don’t think he contacted you just for the money though, I’m sure you are on his mind. He answered your texts and gave his address and I think those are both good signs.@Nell
I suppose it’s knowing she’s living alone and most likely snowed in with or without someone new, I don’t know. That’s why I feel she could have responded in a timely manner and why I’m taking it as a bad sign.@Nell I am not reading into the texts, he only sent one and it was cut and dry his address nothing more. He didn’t respond to my second message at all. He hasn’t asked how I am or showed any sort of interest in me or my life except yesterday asking why I was at his work. I honestly think its a terrible sign because he has never ever ever been this cold or distant towards me for this long. The last time we had a real conversation was over a month ago. That’s insane for us, even post break up. Maybe his girlfriend is reading his texts and so he doesn’t want to get her upset. It does bother me he is choosing this girl over me after absolutely everything, but I guess if I put myself in his shoes I might have done the same thing if I found someone I liked. I just don’t force myself into relationships because I don’t want to be alone while he has always done that before and after me. Just playing the waiting game now. Too many what-ifs right now. Going to stay in NC for as long as I can.
@Martin You did well! Very proud of how you handled things. She clearly was trying to check in to see how you were.
My ex essentially attempted to do something similar, but when she didn’t get her way that was the end of contact with her. She wanted to get her things “out of my way,” but when I essentially told her hey, sorry, it’s not here anymore and I’m busy… that was it. I get the feeling she once again misinterpreted things, but I even went out of my way to clarify again the reason why I moved her things. -shrug-
@Nell Yup, sounds like our exes are very similar in terms of thinking patterns. She could easily get family to get her things, but she hasn’t. I know for a fact she is not as busy as she claims to be or likes others to think. I’m sure it did not sit well with her when I put in a forwarding address to her parents place, but that’s because she NEVER got her mail either and stuff from the IRS was piling up. I was not about to become a scapegoat for that mess. Ironically enough, I had her keep a mailbox key so she could get her mail when she was in town. She also has an apt key. I have not received either back, despite her seeming to have written me off completely. I think at this point she’s most likely beating herself up on some level, seeing how happy I am and hearing how well I’m doing. Yet again, though, failsafe plans in place.She told me many times before I deserved better. And she’s absolutely right. She has moved out/taken breaks about 6 or 7 times now with intention of not coming back. Each time she initiated it, each time I LET her come back. She would always chalk her leaving up to me being the problem, but let’s face facts… If I were the problem, why come back every time with regrets of having been the one messing up? I only “moved out” once, temporarily, and made sure she understood that. I knew we needed space so I went and stayed for a week with my parents. I let her know how long it’d be, where I’d be, and why. Ironically she visited me every single day, which defeated the purpose, because she couldn’t handle being apart.
Even when things were going well the past month or two before the breakup, she would chime in out of nowhere with, “Things have been going really well. Really, really well. But… I did think about moving out again and want you to know it. I’m not going to, but I thought about it” WTF? What a joke.
As I said before, she claimed I was too involved in the relationship and cared too much about it. Flipside, rebound girl is taking pictures constantly of ex and tagging her in EVERYTHING I hear, regardless of how insignificant it is. That seems very obsessive to me given they’ve only been dating officially for a week. I fail to see how that behavior is acceptable whereas me working toward proposing qualifies as being “too involved.” But I digress…
To take away from all of this rationally with my ex:
1) She is clearly confused on so many levels.
2) She has GIGs– no good reason for BU (grasping at straws), making “new friends” with people she would normally despise/not tolerate at all, had been hopeful for the future and still wanted to be friends with me (“I can’t live without you in my life, you’re still my best friend and I love you but I’m not IN love with you”), etc.
3) Ex is emotionally and mentally immature.
4) She’s incredibly irresponsible.
Examples:
-Friend had a great job opportunity for her. Ex said she was very interested and that she’d put in resume/application. Wasted friend’s time for about a month and friend looked foolish as a result with her boss/coworkers. Ex never put in application and fell through on her word many, many times.
-Ex helps to watch friend’s son. We’re supposed to help friend’s son with homework when we watch him. I do whenever I watch him and make sure it gets done (while working myself). Ex neglects to do it every time claiming the boy refuses to do it. This is BS as he is always eager to work on it.
-Ex is 24 and cannot be financially responsible on her own. Family pays for everything on a conditional basis. Ex likes to give off impression that she’s independent, but clearly is not. She cannot even be alone on her own, so independence in her mind is a fallacy.
5) She is very, VERY insecure. And this reflects by lowering her standards in another potential partner when one would typically upgrade. This could also be seen as self-sabotage as she feels doesn’t deserve someone like me who loves unconditionally.
6) Her mother will always know how to manipulate her and influence her life decisions/make them for her. While ex will claim to be independent and loathe her mother’s behavior, she gets suckered into it every time.
7) Ex is incredibly manipulative and she has made it clear many times before that she can “act innocent and cute” and get whatever she wants from people. This should have been a red flag for me as it’s disgusting behavior in my eyes. To gloat on it is even worse. I’m ashamed to say I let her take advantage of me with this.
8) Given past experience, she will most likely think I am a doormat should the grass not be greener and she wants to come back. Not gonna happen.There is more, but I’m exhausted and have to be up early. I think I just needed to vent. Tomorrow will be better and I’ll be better off when I’m less cranky, hah.
@confusedbutok I see your point, and I understand. I’m sorry man, that sucks not getting a response. I know it hurts. 🙁
@knitterz My ex never asked about me or tried to check in on me either. I know it hurts. The waiting game is the hardest part, but you can do it. I’m a firm believer that NC is super beneficial, and maybe a little therapy too, haha.
@ThePhoenix Our ex’s sound so similar, I think they would make great friends. Maybe we should set them up! Same thing with my ex, down to manipulating other people to get what he wants, weird relationship with his mother, irresponsible, insecure, all of it! I’m completely floored that things would be going well and she would tell you she was thinking of moving out, wtf doesn’t even cover it. It reminds me of a time after our first breakup, my ex had to go away for work for a week. I thought we were on the right track, but when he came back he said he didn’t feel any different. Said he didn’t miss me or think about me and still felt the same about us being broken up. He added that he was working on it and was just being honest. Seriously? Why do they think it’s okay to say crap like that? Sometimes you have to vent, can’t keep it all inside. 🙂@archola
Thanks, yeah there is a third person involved. She broke up with me because she started to get a crush on this guy and wondered if she would be more suitable with him. She definitely has GIGs but this inevitable as I am her first lover. There were several hints that she has always wondered such during the relationship too…Trust me; sometimes it is best if they do not contact you unless they want you back in their life. Talking or communicating with them will only just pull you back to square one.
@Nell
Thanks.
Most our exes here have GiGs, the only way to fight it is to break yourself away from him. By removing the safety net he might come back a lot sooner. I would personally advice you ask one of his mates to come get his stuff it would also show that you are moving on which in turn might make him really anxious.@ThePheonix
ThanksDay 14 of NC.
My biggest issue is that she’s been seeing a new guy (we broke up mid-Jan and they started soon after that). The longer I do NC the more I feel like they’re getting closer because they can be together and talk while I’m keeping a distance.
It’s making some days really difficult (Valentine’s weekend for example she was posting on social media all lovey-dovey and mention of them spending night together).
@Nell
Wow you were right. She responded this morning “Good. How are you?”Going to wait a while and send back something like this “Good thanks. Heard it’s supposed to be super cold frost bite weather today. Make sure to stay warm and safe!”
I’m tempted to say something else to keep convo going but probably not a good idea?
Good morning all! Definitely feel better today after getting some well needed rest. I hope everyone is doing well.
@Nell As they say, misery loves company. I’m sure they’d be perfect together. 😛 I hope you’re doing well and keeping your chin up today!
@Martin GIGs can be tough with exes. I was my ex’s first real love and the only one thus far that has stayed by her side and supported her over the years. She claims I am the first one she was truly intimate with so I can’t say that’s not true. You’re right, it’s inevitable… but they need this time to see what’s out there and come to their own conclusions and grow/mature. We just have to be patient and work on ourselves in the meantime.
@John1 New person = honeymoon phase. All too often exes rebound thinking what they had was “terrible” or stagnant in the previous relationship. They overlook flaws in the new person as they love the feeling of what is simply infatuation, but don’t realize that’s what it is. Once the honeymoon phase ends after a few months, that’s when the problems in paradise typically start. I believe this is why rebounds typically fail if strict NC is applied. The bad feelings from the past relationship will fade in time and the ex will start to remember the good. New things might be shiny and new, but with time they become dull just like everything else we think we desire. Stay strong!
@confusedbutok Give it time, man. We’ve talked about this almost every day haha. I know it’s tough since you threw a hail mary and she caught it, but that means she has the ball. You have to be patient and perhaps a bit distant to entice her curiosity. More importantly you need to reach a point where you’re okay talking with her without it bothering you so much. I know you can get to that point! 🙂
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