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Posts
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@kevinsmusicrox Hi, and welcome! I’m glad you have started NC, that’s good, keep it up. I think the hot and cold behavior from your ex is because she is emotional and probably confused. I think she still cares about you but she needs time and so do you, give her time to miss you. The situation with her agreeing to see you then cancelling is probably based on her having second thoughts or maybe a friend/family member talked her out of it. It’s best to back off, do NC, and work on yourself. NC also refers to social media, so don’t engage her there and try not to stalk, you won’t be doing yourself any favors. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to trying to defend yourself to an ex, it just doesn’t work, haha. We’re all in the same boat. Stay strong!
Thank you. I just noticed her sister removed me from facebook. Maybe she told her sister bad things about me so she did that? My friend messaged me saying she befriended this guy that was hitting on her a while back!!! I’m driving myself crazy here. I’m trying to stop obsessing over her but it’s so insanely hard! What do you think??
This is a guy who is only trying to have sex, nothing else!! She doesn’t know I talk to any of her facebook friends which is how I know so why would she befriend him? She knows it bothers me but she also thinks I can’t even see it!!! Please give me your thoughts!!
@kevinsmusicrox Don’t over think anything her friends/family may do on social media. Her sister may have decided on her own to remove you, not worth worrying over.
I’m not saying this to be harsh, but she is going to speak to whoever she wants and do whatever she wants right now. You have no control over and have to accept it. The same goes for you though, too. She may be looking for a rebound or some male attention to fill the void of not having you. If she gets herself hurt by this guy, it’s in her hands. If he is a loser, it will make you look better by comparison, but only if you stay calm and cool.
Something that would be a very big help to you right now would be to tell your friends or any mutual friends not to update you on her. They may think they are meaning well, but they are going to get you in a panic and make it difficult for you to keep NC. Take a break from social media for a while too if you need to, it will help you to keep from obsessing too much. Also, be careful who you talk to of her friends, they will more than likely run and tell her everything. Best to keep things to people you trust and only your own friends for the time being.
Nell, you couldn’t be more right. I’m really thankful you’re on here because whenever I post things, people tend to ignore.. To be honest she was the first and only girl to ever show serious interest in me. When you feel like everyone out there thinks you’re a joke, and then one day a beautiful, kind and funny girl makes you feel blessed but then leaves you, you feel destroyed and empty inside….like no one else is out there. But I don’t want anyone else, I want the girl who proved to me that good people do exist… I know you’re not an expert but you make good points. If a girl is madly in love with you and proves it to you everyday, how could she leave you out of nowhere? That’s what’s really puzzling me. I have made mistakes but nothing like cheating or lying. I always made her feel loved and she knew it. How could someone like that leave you and be considering a rebound relationship or even a hook up??
@kevinsmusic
Unfortunately the reason most break ups happen is due to loss of attraction from the dumper. They don’t realize it though and start trying to justify it logically which is why they say things that once never mattered or was an issue for example “you never wash your car” (outrageous example lol but to show what I mean)You need to evaluate your behavior in the last months/weeks before the break up. Did you maybe love too much? Get too comfortable? Become jealousy/needy? Qualities like that start to eat away at the attraction.
Just think back to how you behaved when your ex was into you and compare your behavior to when things ended and you’ll realize what shift occurred. This is part of the work you need to do during NC to become the person your ex fell for so when you two meet one day to “catch up” she sees that not the person she dumped.
As an update for me, if anyone remembers she flipped out on me a little over a week ago when I reached out.
Well today I sent an apology text and she was so warm towards me. Told her we should be friends and she said that’s fine but her thing is that I’m not doing it to try getting back with her because she’s used to exes in the past trying.
Of course I said no I care about you and just want to be on good terms. She replied ok we’re on good terms, how are you?
Stepping stones lol
A couple weeks before the break up I tried turning her on but she had to leave for school. After she left she had forgotten something and came back to find me looking at porn on my phone… I felt like such an asshole and I still do.. I wanted to hit myself for being so stupid.. It’s one of those stupid male temptations.. I would never cheat on her or do anything with another women. I love her with all my heart!! I was only looking at it because I wanted to get off and she had to leave which is a lame excuse…She considered it cheating but then “supposedly” forgave me later that day but then called me out on it when we broke up a couple weeks later. I don’t know how I can prove it to her that I stopped because anyone can delete their search history… Aside from that I spend a little time playing games on my phone and she never liked that too much.. Maybe if I got a new phone that wasn’t so versatile (like no smart phone) that would prove to her I won’t be on it so much? I’m sorry to overload you guys with so much stuff. I feel like this whole ordeal could’ve been avoided if I hadn’t been so curious on my phone but I guess there’s no point in dwelling on the past..I’m just stressing out over how I can prove to her that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fix our love!! She used to be obsessed with me and contact me all the time.. And when I look back at what has changed, all I can think is that she is more self sufficient then she used to be. I helped her so much. I literally saved her life (more than once) when she was acting suicidal, let her stay with me for several weeks when her parents kicked her out, helped her build her resume, helped her get her drivers license… I helped her with everything and she even acknowledged it during the break up but said she needed to focus on school which is a lame excuse because she’s only taking two classes and without a job!! .. For the record she is 19 and I am turning 21 soon… I just don’t know how to prove to her that I can make those mistakes never happen again….I’ve been slowly working out a bit more but it’s almost impossible for me to focus on my future with her on my mind all day. Please give me any suggestions you may have on self improvement so I can prove to her I won’t mess it up again.
@confusedbutok That.Is.Awesome! I’m so glad she responded warmly to you! Stepping stones indeed, but it’s a start. 🙂 What did you say in your apology if you don’t mind my asking? Are you going to message her again soon or wait for her to message you?
@kevinsmusicrox confusedbutok gave you some rock solid advice. You mentioned in your post about feeling like a joke, and I think that is a clue as to what you should work on during your NC. Confidence and self worth is sexy, you deserve it, and your ex or any future girl will want that in a partner. It’s totally normal for your self-esteem to take a nose dive after a breakup, I know.What’s happened is in the past. No sense in feeling bad about it, what’s important is learning from it. Most women don’t view porn the same way men do. They don’t realize that men compartmentalize and instead see it as you are wanting to see other women naked or she isn’t good enough in some way. The fact that she brought it up again later means it hurt her and she didn’t get over it. It’s something that the two of you could talk about in the future when the time is right.
I don’t think replacing your phone is realistic. I’d say instead, in the future when you are around her, make it a point not to be on your phone. Turn it off or put it away and give her your full attention. Actually, this is a good idea no matter who you are around, haha.
I also wanted to add that women are emotional creatures. We do most things from a point of feeling as opposed to logic. So, when you wonder how she could love you and then do these things? Well, she’s going by how she feels right now in this moment. I hope that helps and makes sense.
Guys, I’m sorry to bother but can you give me any advice on that last message I posted earlier page?
You guys have given me the best insight I’ve heard so far. Thank you. I understand there are things we need to workout IF she ever wants to reconcile, I’m just worried about how!! I’ve told her before I’ll put my phone down and I didn’t, but she never left me because of it… If she takes me back it won’t be an issue I’m just worried about what I can say to convince her. Any ideas on what I can say to prove to her that I’m quitting the porn? It was only something I would do once in a while if she wasn’t in the mood (so it wasn’t often). If she ends up rebounding with this guy (which is safe to say will make me go crazy) how should I contact her once my NC is complete?? Should I make it obvious that I know but say I’m okay with the break up decision to show her I’m not desperate?? For the record, I was very confident when I met her. I’ve tried being that confident with other girls but things just never worked out and I didn’t want them to because all I want is her back in my arms forever…
@archola Oh! I didn’t see that post of yours, didn’t mean to ignore you. I think what you have is a great start, just needs some tweaking and maybe condense it down a little. I’d recommend cutting out anything saying how she acted because it could come across as blaming. The end of the third sentence for example. I’d cut out the parts about saying it shouldn’t have ended and how you wonder still, that doesn’t say that you’ve accepted the breakup. Sit on it for a few days or a week and decide if it’s exactly what you want to say and what you want to send to her.
@kevinsmusicrox It’s totally normal to be thinking about that stuff right now, but you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. Your main focus should be on your self-improvement and your game plan for getting through NC. Once you make it through, things will be a little more clear in your own mind what you want to say and do. The emotions won’t be as strong and you will be able to think more clearly.Her hooking up with someone shouldn’t change how you contact her or what you say when you get back in touch, unless that is a deal breaker for you. Once NC is up you are going to try to reestablish a friendship with her, and you want to keep it light and not jump right into relationship talk off the bat, unless she brings it up.
Don’t promise anything to her that you can’t keep, ie; the porn. If you backslide and she catches you, you will be in a world of hurt my friend and she will never let you forget it. You also don’t want to go back into a new relationship with her trying to convince her or promising anything. It will be more important to show her through your actions and to work on communicating in a healthy way.
Alright, I don’t intent on contacting her for a while but what would you suggest I say to get her attention when I do? I’ve taken Kevin Thompsons advice once before when this happened a while ago where there was NC and I texted her about a park I drove by and the funny memory we shared there and how it made me think of her. She never responded… the last time we were split she only called me because she locked her keys in her car late at night and had no one else.. We were together for 6 months straight after that. Please, what have you tried or found useful for when you do reconnect after NC? That text Kevin T recommended didn’t seem to work. I know I’m getting ahead of myself and over analyzing but I’m the kind of person who always tries to see the big picture..
Hello Everyone @Nell @confusedbutok and @martin Sorry if this is a bit long…
I was involved in a few posts on here a couple of weeks ago when I was coming to the end of about 45 days NC after my gf of 3 years wanted to break up.
My NC was going really well, I was going to the gym, swimming, running, seeing friends, couple of dates and possibly starting a new exciting career, so a few positive changes and I was feeling good with the hope I could come to some sort of reconciliation with my ex. It was our first breakup of any kind since we had been together. Even though I know things had been going downhill for a while before we split, I have not been given the chance to realise what I had and turn things around for the better. She just gave up after our first major break and that’s whats so frustrating.
So, I sent one of Kevins brief txts with a little reminder of when we first got together and also asking about the deposit situation on the flat we shared. She got back to me about a week later with a friendly txt and asking me to give her a call which sounded good, I called her a few hours later and we talked and she explained she was seeing someone so I kind of politely finished the conversation……
Then I had to ask her about it in txt and she replied saying she Met him on 30th December (about a month and half after we had officially broken up), hadn’t spent a day apart, were planning a future together and she has never been happier…. My heart nearly exploded as I read the txt.
He is 34 (so prob at a stage when he is ready to settle down), she is 27 and I just know they will prob end up getting engaged or something within the next few months and I worry that will ruin me.I thought I was ok, Now….. I think I feel lower than I have ever done. I feel like the work during NC (Even though it is for me) was all a waste, I cant concentrate on anything else so it is effecting my work. Everything I do and everywhere I go reminds me of my ex and I feel I have never been so depressed in all my life. I am usually quite a happy person. I just cant get the image of them together out of my mind, them sleeping together and cuddling up with the cat we both shared and loved together…..Its like he has stolen my life
I don’t know what to do or where to go from here and any help or encouragement would be a great help.
Much Love
@Tommys83
She said they’re planning to get engaged and get married already? Sounds like she’s trying to speed things up to replace what you two had. I doubt it’ll happen, if it does that’s just ridiculous for such short amount of time
@Nell
I sent her an email using the “clean slate apology” method. We had a very brief text exchange and she stopped responding which makes me wonder what I should do now. Try again a couple days later or wait for her response? I kind of fumbled and didn’t ask a question about her in the last text I sent it was kind of just a statement to a question she asked me. I also kind of hate what she said about “as long as you’re not trying to get me back being friends” lol
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