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Me and my best friend of 12 years broke up last year after giving it a shot (we tried it a first time but she went through a traumatizing event that made her distance herself from everyone including me and down the line we tried it for real this time). After we broke up last year in the moments after I told her “if we’re not working towards a relationship I don’t think I can be JUST friends with you” after she told me she wanted to remain to be my friend and hang out immediately afterwards. But she talked me into being her friend and keeping contact with me. Even though I wanted to be with her and not just a friend.
The months following were more than forced on my behalf. I felt as if she didn’t want to be friends and we argued a few times to the point we stopped talking and blocked each other. I had a huge surgery I didn’t tell her about because 1) I didn’t think she cared about me having a surgery or not with all the crazy stuff said and 2) we weren’t in contact with each other for months. However to my surprise she figured out through mutual friends and my sister (who plays a big part in the craziness I’m in now with her) and sent me balloons and a get well card with a letter saying she loved me so much.
After the surgery we come into contact with each other and start talking again w/o talking about any relationships or I love you’s Or anything of the sort and when holiday season rolled around we exchanged gifts, I overdid the gift with a bracelet (she’s been wanting a pandora bracelet since we were kids and I promised her I’d get one for her a long time ago). But I wrote a letter and gave it to her with the bracelet. The note was saying pretty much I’m still so much in love with her and I didn’t know why I’m still like that after being broken up for about 7 months. It also said I wanted her back not then and there but in the near future and we work our way to being together for good. She responded by saying she loves me too, thanked me for everything, wants me around for good and said she doesn’t know if and when we are going to be together because relationships aren’t something you plan they just happen. I accept that response and we remain platonic.
After that we hang out a few times for both of our birthdays. We go out to eat, go shopping, visit each other, etc… Then next thing you know I couldn’t help but to want to put an end to all the platonic friendship business we had and wanted her as my girl again for good. I realized this when I was on a date with a girl I liked and I slipped and called her my ex’s name. (Yeah I know that’s pitiful). Now we rarely talk because I know she said it’s something you can’t force and also she said she needed space to heal from our break up that I didn’t give her when initially I tried to do that but she insisted we remain friends. We’ve done the NC rule and now I’m at the point where I believe I’m healed from what went wrong but she’s still letting it cloud how she feels about me. When we talk it’s just hi and bye and “if you need me I’m still around” we NEVER used to talk like that before we got into a relationship. Everything used to be fun and interesting. Idk what to do now
@Tony_Jay – I see you posted this twice (No Contact Rule + Reconciliation. Anyway, how did your sister play a big part in the craziness you’re now in with your ex? Is your sister her friend? If so, DO NOT try to communicate with your ex through your sister!
It’s extremely difficult for a girl to go from being platonic friends for many years to a romantic type relationship. To me it sounds like your ex is not ready to enter a romantic type relationship with all that it entails including intimacy. Maybe she can’t make that transition now or maybe she won’t be able to at all. Maybe she only loves you as a close friend. Only time will tell..
You say you’ve healed from what went wrong, but I guess she’s not. So what do you think went wrong?? Have you made changes or improvements? What did she say went wrong?
Now you rarely talk, but when you talk, it’s just hi and bye. What does “talk” mean? Is it by text, phone calls, or do you see her at school or something?
Okay, it sounds like she’s not ready for frequent contact, so I suggest you do another month or two of no contact. But if she initiates contact, reply appropriately with kindness. DON’T try to pressure her into a relationship. I agree that relationships aren’t exactly planed, but two people do come to a realization that they want to be together exclusively and they discuss it. Sooner or later, you will know definitely if that’s something she wants. If not, it will be time to accept the reality and move on. Be patient and I wish you luck..
@patricia12 I first uploaded it in reconciliation and my phone did something weird and I thought it didn’t upload at all so I went to NC sorry for that confusion. But I’ve been keeping my distance, however my sister loved my now ex. Before we broke up I bought concert tickets for my ex and sister to go to together. After we broke up and there was no hostility, my sister asked if she could still go to the concert with my ex and I said sure. They’ve been in constant communication and going out together since and my sister frequently asks both of us separately how we feel about trying again.
I didn’t recognize or notice it until one day my ex texts me saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable telling my sister all of our business and I caught a feeling my ex thought I was deliberately sending my sister to talk to her which wasn’t the case. As I tell my sister (who’s younger and doesn’t understand) to relax and to not speak of me to my ex at all so we both have space, she tells me that my ex has been saying how much she does miss our relationship and how good I treated her in the relationship. Which threw my all the way off. Later on down the line, my sister posts a picture of me and the rest of our family during a family gathering and one of her friends who my whole family knows and is much younger than me. Sends something pretty much thirsting over me in a joking way and my sister posts that without any intent to offend anyone.
I get a text later that day from my ex saying she still has feelings that are not unresolved for me so she doesn’t want to see any posts regarding someone crushing on me all after she posts a snap of her and some guy extremely close. I continuously tried to give her space by respectfully telling my sister she has to cut ties with my ex, blocked her on all social media, blocked her from my phone, etc… then the surgeries took place and she had found a way to make sure she sent get well gifts.
My ex sugar coats a lot for people she cares about and she did with me. At the time of our relationship we had fun within our budgets (We were broke college students lol). So at times some dates weren’t as lavish as others, and some trips weren’t as big as others. None the less we both enjoyed each other but I began to think she wasn’t happy with what I was doing but she insisted she was but I thought she was sugar coating. Ultimately I tried way to hard because I lost confidence in myself and her and she told me I needed to get back to my happy ways.
Since then I have improved substantially, mentally I do believe that she is not the materialistic type. Or the type to feel down if all dates aren’t at 5 star hotels and top of the line 5 star restaurants. With that being said I know if we were to be back together she’s happy with what I can give.
Lastly (I know this is long sorry), we rarely text now. It’s literally the same “hey how you doing, how’s work been, what’s new, oh okay that’s cool, hit me up if you need anything bye” conversation every 2/3 weeks. The last time we really communicated was about 2 months ago and that was arguing and her telling me she knows we’re both romantically in love with each other but it’s not right for us right now. Ever since it’s been horrible conversation, she recently sent back tickets to a concert that we had planned to go to together as friends out of nowhere. I just don’t know at this point
@Tony_Jay – It’s best not to pay any attention to social media as people sometimes misinterpret what’s there. So don’t stalk hers and don’t mention anything there that confuses you and don’t agonize by trying to figure out what something might or might not mean.
Don’t let your sister get into the middle of this! Don’t talk to her about your ex at all and ask her not to bring you comments the ex made about you. I don’t know if requesting your sister to cut all ties with your ex is the best thing to do or if she did, but the main thing is to NOT talk about the ex with her and firmly tell her once and for all that she is not doing you any favors by relaying anything the ex might have told her.
I suggest you write one short text to your ex that you don’t want any further contact at this time and then DON’T contact her at all for at least 2 months and DON’T reply to “Hi, how are you doing” type texts from her. She sounds very confused so she need a very long break from you in order to clarify her thoughts and feelings.
I understand most college students have trouble limited finances and time. And I’m sure she understood. Low cost and free activities can be lots of fun! And yeah, hopefully she’s not the materialistic type. Are you both out of college now?
It will be difficult to maintain no contact, but try your best. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. This is a sad story and I hope for the best possible outcome for you both.
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