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I mean all of that makes sense. I just miss her so much and love talking to her even if it’s not right. She assured me that she loves me for the right reasons, but I don’t know maybe I have too much trust in her words. I think you’re right, it’s just hard when you’re still in love with that person and they contact you.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize how unfair it is of her to come back into my life whenever she wants and leave it whenever she wants. Like after texting for 4 days consistently now she wants to stop. Like how much pain can a guy go through.
i have to agree with you. i think its incredibly selfish. i know you miss her so much and love talking to her but its because its only been two weeks. I’m 5 months out and i still miss talking to my ex every single day, but I’m better in control of my emotions. it happens over time. i honestly don’t think she can assure you that she wants this for the right reasons right now because i don’t even think she’s sure herself. its confusing to go guy to guy. i don’t think you can trust her right now. and its incredibly selfish of her because she knows youre still in love with her so obviously you’ll jump at any chances she throws at you.
youre spot on with saying its so unfair for her to enter and exit your life as she chooses. she can’t do that to you. you’ll never heal and every time you have to start and stop talking again it breaks your heart all over again. this is one area i need to give my ex credit in. he has not contacted me at all since the break up. maybe once just randomly to discuss some trivial celebrity gossip but in the 5 months he has never once reached out to tell me he misses me or isn’t sure what he wants. I’ve reached out and asked him why he hasn’t and he told me of course he has bad days where he misses me and thinks maybe breaking up wasn’t the right decision but he knows he can’t come in and out of my life and he knows he can’t contact me because it would be sending me mixed signals unless he’s 100% sure he wants to reconcile – which he’s not.
my ex and i took a brief break two summers ago – very similar to your situation. he ended things and i was absolutely crushed. he had a fling that lasted maybe 2-3 weeks and when it ended he came to me with flowers, telling me how much he loves me, how being with another girl made him realize I’m the only one he wants, etc. fast forward 15 months later and he breaks up with me again – this time for real because we rushed things last time. he fully came back to me out of comfort because he knew i loved him and was devastated and I’m sure he had good intentions. I’m sure at the time he really did feel like he wanted to get back together, but had he waited for both of our emotions to settle i don’t think we would have made that decision. i think we would’ve waited a few more months and it would’ve saved me a lot of heartbreak having to go through a break up the second time around. i know every situation is different and i truly wouldnt wish this on anyone, but i really think you need to proceed with caution. i think its too soon and its unfair. as hard as it is – you need to let the dust settle and you need to get over this break up before you can even think about reconciling. my ex and i put a band aid over a lot of the issues that caused the first split and it was a bad idea. don’t let her dictate this. you need to take care of you. she’s worried about what makes HER happy.
That’s really good advice. It really sucks to hear though and you understand that. It’s just she has snapchatted me twice tonight like she’s trying to get my attention. And I want so badly to respond to her but I really need to show her I can give her space and live my own life. She’s meeting up with the other guy tomorrow to tell him off and tell him how big of a douche he is. Hopefully it goes like that we’ll see. Then she can start evaluating everything. But yeah time apart is the best thing for us, even though it’s the hardest thing for me.
I can’t believe you and your ex were able to keep your composure for that long and not reach out to each other. That’s extremely hard! And mature. I don’t know if I could do that or even want to spend a month apart from my ex. She’s still the love of my life.
i do understand how much it sucks and i think at a certain point you just have to be ready to listen to something you know is right. for 4 months everyone told me to stop calling and texting my ex and i knew i should but i just didn’t listen because i wasn’t ready to cut contact. finally i reached a point where i had no more questions and nothing else to say so i stopped talking to him because i was ready and it was the right decision – not because others told me to. and it wasn’t to manipulate him. it was for my own healing.
i removed my ex from snapchat for that exact reason! i was out for dinner with two girlfriends about a month after our break up this year and he sent me a selfie and my best friend literally grabbed my phone and deleted him because she said i shouldn’t have to look at his face anymore after this! I’m really thankful she did this because out of sight, out of mind has definitely been the way to go for me. and ignorance is bliss. when i hear mutual friends mention his name i literally feel myself tense up.
as hard as it is, try not to focus on what she is or isn’t saying or doing with this other guy. in all honesty, he’s probably not the reason for your break up. there must have been reasons that caused her to want to leave besides this. her ending things with him wont solve all these problems. you need to be evaluating too – not just her.
I’m actually shocked my ex has been as composed as he has been, but i think he kind of had to be since i was an emotional wreck and he felt really strongly about his decision. i cried and begged him and questioned him and searched for answers for months. he was always polite, always answered me honestly and thoughtfully, but he never once reached out. he didn’t really have to though because i would break down like every 2 weeks anyway. as i said earlier, it took me 4 months before i was finally able to stop talking to him and its because i genuinely had no other choice. i wasn’t healing and i felt like his backup option and like i was just waiting for him to come around while he was going out with all these other girls. i just decided he should experience life truly not having me and i need to cut him out to be able to focus on myself and move forward. i didnt and still don’t want to spend any months apart from my ex but it wasn’t my choice – he left me and grasping and holding onto strings just was hurting me more. i still think my ex is the love of my life but whether or not he comes back isn’t really in my control. he wanted time away and told me he wasn’t sure how long or where it would lead him so for now all i can do is try to be happy and focus on me. i still hope he comes back but its out of my hands.
ive emailed kevin this morning to get your email address so i could take part in the exchange. will send a photo when he gets back to me!!
today is the worst day I’ve had in the last 5 weeks. went to bed crying and woke up still crying. so tempted to break nc and feel so hopeless. i think its a combination of midterm stress/having the flu/shitty weather. i didnt break nc last night. part of me feels like its been over 30 days and i can say whatever i want and it wont make a difference but part of me just want to stay strong. I’ve been feeling much stronger lately and don’t want to let a weak moment let him think I’ve made no progress.
anyway just venting. hope youre all having ok days today!
Ryan,
I agree with everything Atea has said. There really is nothing you can do but give space at the moment. Try to get better everyday and prepare to move on. It’s really hard to love someone and not be with them. I understand that feeling. Ultimitely, you have to find individual happiness to once again be happy with her. She also needs to find that as well. We all feel bad about the mistakes we made, but you can’t dwell on them but just change for the better so they don’t happen again.
I feel like I been out of the dating game for so long I’m conflicted on my next move with this new girl. The more I think about our date the more I like her. She is a really cute girl and nice to be around. I didn’t text her yesterday because I don’t want to over due anything, but maybe I should have?? The other girls I have met I didn’t really want anything so I didn’t care about following up much. I hate how I over think things and analyze lol. She seemed like she had a nice time and said she did but who knows?
Atea,
Sorry to hear you are having a rough day. Emotions can always take control out of nowhere. Since the birthday texts and we talked iv had a bad moment here and there. It’s not something we can control. Staying strong is important! Reaching out may lead to even more pain? You have to do what’s best for you always however. I know you will make the right choice with what you decide.
mike, text her again tomorrow and ask her out again! girls always wait for guys to be the ones to reach out. she will take it as you aren’t interested if you don’t. plus no loss if she doesnt want to go out again – at least you can say you tried! i say go for it.
yeah it all kind of hit me last night and again today. i guess its all part of the process. reaching out will 1000% lead me to more pain. plus i haven’t contacted I’m in almost 5 weeks which is a huge accomplishment and i don’t want to start back at square 1. i also have literally nothing to say to him. i have no questions, don’t want to catch up. we will have the same conversation we had a month ago where he will tell me he isn’t sure if this is permanent and he loves me but doesnt want to be with me right now and time will tell and this is “healthy and necessary”. i don’t want to discuss that again. if he had a change of heart or wanted to see me, he would’ve reached out. last week i thought about asking him to meet up but i think its too soon now. maybe in another 2 or 3 months from now but nothing will come from it. i don’t think me reaching out will do anything to help or hurt whatever will happen with us in the future, but i know it will set me back so i need to stay strong. i can imagine it must be tough having her reach out twice the other day. i think its not really fair. she either needs to make the choice to pursue your relationship or understand you can’t just be “friendly”. its such a difficult balance.
It seems like you have a good handle on the situation. Having bad days is going to happen. It’s good you didn’t over react, but thought it through. I agree reaching out at this moment isn’t going to change anything unfortunately. Hang in there kid!!
I don’t understand my exes thought process. The fact she has been emotional this whole time I would think her reaching out wouldn’t be what she wants to do. The fact she still cares what I’m doing like going to AC or my new job doesn’t make sense. She so mature is many aspects of life, but hasn’t been mature about this break up! She have to be nuts in the head to think I would just want to be friends after 8.5 years.
I wonder what would happen if I just started texting her everyday like we were still together lol. How long before she says something haha. When we talked for those 3 days she was like we can talk tomorrow and such. Maybe I should just start messing with her head. I won’t but it would be funny.
I need to get this over by the end of the month!! Time flys!
Hope the rest of you day goes well Atea!
Also Atea, I’m looking forward to putting a face to someone I have been talking to now for a few months. It will be nice to see you haha. I’m sure belle will forward you the picture I sent her.
thanks for the encouragement! i guess bad days are all part of the process. i still feel like i need more closure for him but i need to make it through the next 8 weeks or so so he can reach out first and i can gauge how he’s feeling and ask what i need to then. asking now is only creating more drama.
i really don’t understand your ex’s thought process either. i can’t imagine she would think it is possible for either of you to be friends – its ridiculous. and I’m surprised too that she’s really tried to maintain a relationship talking with you. in my opinion, if you want to try to move on, you just cut someone out. and the fact that she’s still interested in your life, your job, etc. it just shows she’s not trying to do this at all. its very confusing. that would be funny to see how she reacts to you just reaching out normally. i have no idea how she would take that! i don’t even know if she knows what she’s thinking to be honest. i hope you get the answers youre looking for soon! youll feel better once you ask her the tough questions i think.
i just sent my photo to belle and told her to send to you and aprhodite. looking forward to seeing yours too!
Hi All,
Received your email atea and have forwarded on as instructed.
Fantastic to see you atea and your fella! Arnt you gorgeous!
What a fool of an ex you have!Thanks for forwarding belle! So nice to picture who I’ve been talking to all this time. I think your ex is being an idiot – you look like such a beautiful and happy couple! He will definitely regret this sooner or later!!!
I am on my 11th day of NC today and i dropped all her belongings at my apt in front of her door yesterday. It was extremely difficult but i had to do it. Today i was missing her voice so much that i called her. After the 1st ring, i cut the call and now i feel so stupid. I then texted her just saying that i dropped off all your belongings yesterday and thank you for all the memories. Goodbye. She didn’t respond at all.
It’s so heartbreaking to see such coldness from the person you love.
The day otherwise has been ok. Slow but ok after i tried calling her.
I wish this agony ends soon.
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