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Posts
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mike, its great you have a lot in common already so there will be plenty to discuss. i also am a little shy in groups and much better one on on. I’m glad she picked a nice restaurant and seems classy! everyone is nervous for a first date. i think what you said is key – you have to try to go in with an open mind and not compare. even if this girl is your future wife, she wont measure up on a first date to the ex you had so many years of love and history with. its best to try to not have your ex in the back of your mind to compare and just see if you like this girl for who she is. this is much easier said than done, i still don’t think I’m far enough out from my break up to do this successfully yet but i try!
Mike,
I’ve been feeling pretty good as well! i think it was you who told me at some point you just have to kind of turn the corner and i think I’ve done that. i was honestly just sick of being so miserable and scheming and analyzing what he’s thinking. i promised myself not to bring it up as much with my friends anymore and to focus on the positives i have right now. i can’t predict the future but i know for right now he doesnt want to be with me and thats whats important. there are endless things that could happen going forward so i need to focus on the now.anyway i still miss my ex a lot but I’m thinking about it less. i can’t control his feelings or guess them. he knows how to reach me if he has something to say. not talking to him is definitely getting easier and helping me heal. I’ve also come to the conclusion that if he comes back it needs to be all on his own because he realizes he’s happier with me so i just need to allow him the time and space to come to his own conclusion. i don’t plan on reaching out to him at all until he reaches out to me.
i also ended things with the new guy i was seeing. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years and I’ve always hoped to get married young, so i feel like this is probably a good time in my life to be single. i do kind of enjoy not having to tell anyone what I’m doing or why. its been relaxing. i also don’t feel at a point i can date other guys without comparing them to my ex yet. but i am ok on my own – spending lots of time with friends, focusing on school, shopping, doing things to make myself happy. i don’t need him anymore although i would still like him to come back. I’m interested to see if he reaches out to me. at some point i feel like ill need more closure, but not yet. I’m feeling much happier on a daily basis and not needy or desperate so i think thats a positive!
i don’t need him anymore although i would still like him to come back.
Yea, and I think this is something we both will go through for awhile. Past memories will always be there for us. Our exes were both good people it seems so we don’t have those negative thoughts others might have of their partners.
I feel with your time line I started to feel just like you are at the same point. It becomes a turning the corner phase cause honestly we had too. Iv honesty been trying to get away from some thoughts I used to have. In order to fully move on their are things I will need to forget to not associate them with her.
I think doing what you want now is very important. It’s really a chance to live life and try new things. I don’t know how long I will be single, but I know being single won’t ruin my experience in life. I did always enjoy doing things independently. I also have been doing more things with friends than the last couple years when I somewhat shut myself off.
My mood today is content I guess.
mike,
i agree. i think i will always love and think highly of my ex. we really had an amazing relationship. if it doesnt work out for us in the future i truly think it was a timing thing for us. we met really young. its hard not being able to be angry. my therapist keeps telling me if i could develop some anger then i would be having an easier time but its so hard! my ex treated me well and has been honestly really respectful and mature during the break up. he hasn’t reached out to me out of respect to allow me time to heal but he’s listened to me cry every single time I’ve reached out, answered all my questions honestly, met up when I’ve asked, etc. he’s totally let me dictate how i want our rapport to be during this time and i really appreciate that. he could’ve just cut me off completely – he doesnt owe me anything anymore or he could’ve continued sending mixed signals and trying to string me along but i think he’s handled this breakup so maturely and respectfully that it makes it difficult to be mad. he’s just being honest about how he feels.i agree with you about just having to turn around. i mean i do still think there is a chance we will reconcile, but its probably about 50/50. so i can either sit around and be miserable and wait for something that might never happen or i can try to get on with my life and be happy and if he comes back, just take it from there. we had discussed possibly touching base end of april/early may so I’m going to see how he feels then. if he’s still seeing someone or if he’s single or how he’s feeling after 3 months of not talking. he needs to have a taste of not having me around to see what makes him happiest. also, even if he did come back and i was sitting around miserably waiting i think we would fail at reconciling because i would have too much resentment for everything. right now the only choice is to try to be happy and focus on positives.
i agree 100% that this is a unique time in my life to do things for me. I’m still in graduate school so don’t have the pressures of work or supporting myself financially yet, i don’t feel a time crunch for “settling down” and starting a family, and i have the freedom to just do what i want when i want it. i definitely am the relationship type and can’t see myself wanting things to be this way forever, but for right now i think its ok. i never really enjoyed doing things independently so i think this time is really important for me to grow as an individual. i need to prove to myself that i am ok being single because the truth is nothing is ever a guarantee. i could end up married and divorced so i need to know i can survive on my own. i also have reached out to so many more friends since my break up and thats important. when i am in a new relationship either with my ex or someone else i will always remember the importance of having my girlfriends around.
my overall mood is exactly what you said: content. this is definitely not the happiest I’ve been in my life and i do still think my life was better with my ex in it. but for 5 months out of a 7 year relationship, i think I’m holding up pretty well. its really out of my control at this point in time. i imagine until my ex comes back or until i meet someone else who makes me just has happy i will feel this way. its just kind of an in between point in my life but its a great time of self improvement, exploration, and independence.
i think you will feel much better after discussing everything with your ex. right now you have it hanging over your head and its hard to live with that. you will be ok either way though!
I’m not sure what to make out about your therapists comment about being angry with them. That seems like a weak coping mechanism to push an individual forward. It appears that is our situation we both had great people in our lives for so long. I guess I could be mad at her for ending things, but I accepted responsibility on my end for the break up. Even the night she ended things I immediately said I understand. I don’t see how being angry will help me move on in life. Would just seem a step back to play the blame game.
I just look at this as eye opening experience. We both at the end took a lot for granted and the relationship failed. I guess we grew apart. I’m happy this was a nudge to do self evaluation and then change my negatives. Maybe one day we will reunite, but probably that is unrealistic unfortunately.
I will always focus on the great memories we shared. Also will keep everything she got me buried deep in a closet. My overall thoughts if her are warm. She never gave me a reason not to. For me I’m a bit scared I will never meet someone as genuine or nice as her, but I will try. I just know I will never settle for less because I can’t take step backs on what I deserve.
I’m sure you feel the same way!
im a bit of a hopeless romantic. i really believe if there was true love and things are meant to be that sometimes we need a break up and a wake up call. i think both of us (and our exes) became complacent in our relationships. it happens after a long time. you start to take the other person for granted. I’m not sure if either of us will reconcile, but i do think its worth having the difficult conversations. without trying, we will never know. I’m not emotionally ready yet but youre a couple months ahead of me!
i also have so many great memories with him. they pop into my head all the time. stupid things we used to do. i still haven’t accepted we wont have anymore of those times, but its getting easier as time goes on. i also have everything he gave me in the back of my closet. when i was really mad and emotional about the breakup i gave him a shoebox of love letters he had written over the years. eventually i kind of want them back. even if we don’t reconcile, i think a few years from now i will be able to look back on them with happy memories. when my ex and i broke up my mom showed me some of hers from her first boyfriend! its nice to have.
i also have only positive thoughts towards my ex and he would say the same. we had a lot of love and respect for each other. i think sometimes that makes it harder to walk away. I’m also a bit scared ill never meet someone i connect with in the same way. he was a great guy and we had such a special connection. you just have to believe things happen for a reason and if you don’t reconcile its because theres someone else better suited for you out there. but i agree the bar is set high and we will not settle for any less than we deserve! thats a good thing!
I don’t think my post showed up. I can’t type all that again lol.
I was saying how I’m happy you both are doing better!! And that unfortunately I’m still struggling a lot. Also that I agree with mike on what your therapist said, atea. I think it’s easier to get over something or someone if you’re not angry, but feel understanding and acceptance.
Belle I have a question for you if you’re still around reading our posts?
hi aphrodite,
didn’t see a long post from you 🙁 but I’m happy to be feeling better as well. although i just got back from the bar with some friends and I’m a bit tipsy and was tempted to just text my ex and tell him i miss him but its been over 3 weeks and i refuse to break down so i texted a girlfriend instead. i understand and accept where my ex is coming from – he feels this time is necessary so we will just see what the future brings. I’m doing ok without him for now. i still miss him but I’m feeling happier overall.I’m sorry youre still struggling 🙁 any new developments with your ex? its so so hard and i know exactly how youre feeling – its only been really the last 2 weeks I’ve come to terms with everything more but obviously my waves of sadness come and go. its terrible to go through. as content as i am right now i know i would be happier if my ex and i were still together and its a tough feeling to swallow. hang in there!!!
Hi Aphrodite,
I’m reading posts now and then and happy to answer questions. Am struggling too. I know Mike mentioned this but it’s absolutley extraudinary how someone we shared our lives with, trusted, laughed, cried with can end up so nasty.
I’m finding it so hard my ex is still showing so much hatred towards me. Yes I allowed my old ex to contact me and that was wrong but the hurt and anger coming from my ex is extraudinary.
Even if he snaps out of it how the hell can I ever trust him again not to cut me out his life again.
I feel sorry for the next girl he will get involved with that’s for sure because he will take this baggage with him now forward as I don’t think he sees it as a problem he has himself.Anyway, atea and Mike are ok. Shame about your post disappearing Aphrodite and your not doing too well. I feel how much lower do we have to get before the climb out of this hole.
Still feel the ex will be back but just don’t know if that’s not accepting still.
Hi belle,
Happy to hear from you! Hope you’re doing ok. I agree it’s a bit ridiculous that your ex is creating such a big deal over this. Have you still been in contact? Im not sure if you’ve tried this but have you tried just writing him an apology letter for letting your ex contact you? It seems so silly to me that he wants to throw 8 years away over that.I definitely have my down days still in the hole and I wouldn’t say I’ve moved on at all – I guess I have more of a fake it till you make it approach. I just was tired of moping. Anyway I also still think my ex will be back! Haven’t accepted that he won’t either and I don’t think I will until I know he’s dating someone seriously or he tells me flat out he’s over it. Im waiting till he calls end of April to see how that goes.
sending hugs your way!
I don’t think I would recommend anger as a therapeutic tool, but I must admit, it did help me a lot! Just to get out of that pathetic wallowing in sadness and self pity phase. It kind of made my heart glaze over in relation to my ex. I don’t actively feel angry any more of course, but I have no heartwarming feelings for him either that’s for sure! And I’m positive that’s what’s helped me heal. And hopefully in time, I might allow myself to smile at a nice memory again, but for now, I feel more comfortable in my ice queen status!
I’m glad mike and atea are doing better, and I know you will get there also Belle and Aphrodite! Stay strong, we all have to go at our own pace at this struggle.
atea well done in not falling for the temptation of texting him! Proud of you!
There are no new developments with my ex. He’s waiting for me to respond to his email response, and I just haven’t gotten round to finishing it off and sending it yet. Thank you for the encouragement! I still think this is going to take a really long time for me though, and that there are more hopes and disappointments ahead before I finally come to terms with our relationship being over.Belle, I’m possibly doing a pit stop in London on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday afternoon/ evening time. Was wondering if you wanted to meet me for coffee (or wine) if you want and can. We could arrange a time and place and I’d tell you what I’m wearing that day so you can spot me. If you would rather not, then that’s completely fine:)
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling like me! I really don’t understand why your ex is being so nasty either. I think he must have some real issues in his life that he’s taking out on you, because how he’s been acting doesn’t quite justify what happened between you two. “Still feel the ex will be back but don’t know if that’s not accepting still” this is exactly how I feel also. I can’t come to terms with this break up being permanent, or that he really feels that this is the best decision. I can’t grasp that he’s so willing to call this chapter closed. In his letters he wrote several times that he hopes he will never see the day when we’re not together anymore. I just does not click with me that he’s really done for good.Unimare I’m happy that you’re doing well also!! And thank you for the encouragement:)
aphrodite,
i agree it will take a lot of hopes and disappointments for me to come to terms with everything as well. i 1000% think i feel ok with the situation because i have myself convinced that this is a temporary situation and we aren’t done for good. probably not the healthiest mindset but its making me feel better now temporarily so just taking it a day at a time and we will see how i feel in the future. it totally hasn’t clicked with me that its over either. when i last spoke to my ex 3.5 weeks ago, i asked him if this was temporary and he said “i honestly am not sure”. so definitely left me with lingering questions unfortunately. I’m not sure what it will take for me to get to acceptance! i think hearing him tell me he’s seriously with someone else i guess or he’s over me.
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