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Posts
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Belle, sorry your ex is being manipulative and blaming you đ I hope you’re feeling ok. Come vent whenever!!
Mike, it’s interesting you said that you wish she would’ve dated to see if the grass is greener or not. When I spoke to my ex 3 weeks ago, he told me that I should be happy he’s dating and should be happy he’s doing it now because either it will make him realize he’s happier with me or he’ll realize there’s something else out there for him but it will give me an answer. I also think it’s strange your ex hasn’t cut contact. I really don’t know what she wants. It’s also interesting she is still talking to her family about you. Im really not sure what to make of her but I think if you ask her the tough questions then you deserve answers.
That story you said is exactly what my ex is afraid of. He told me he’s scared well get married in 5 years and look at each other in our 30s or 40s and wonder why were still together and regret never taking the chance when we were young to be single, date others, and confirm 100% that being together is the right thing. As hard as its been for me, I can’t say I blame him for feeling that way. My ex has a cousin who married a girl he was with since 16 and they divorced after 3 years of marriage because he started to wonder what else is out there and had an affair with someone Else. My ex said he doesn’t want this happening to us in the future so he thinks it’s important to take this time now to decide and part of me agrees with him. I didn’t have doubts but if he did then now is the time. I just always question what an appropriate amount of time is for him to know. Again I think it’s unrealistic to think we would reconcile 2 or 3 years down the line but im not sure if being apart for 6 months would be enough time either. I guess it’s more about how he feels than a time limit – for some it could take days to decide and others years. Im not sure.
As for something being in the water about breaking up – I can’t agree more!! All my friends seem to be breaking up with their boyfriends. Im at an age where were all moving to new cities and just entering the dating scene for the first time. I think people are starting to break up with people they don’t see themselves ending up with and some people just want some time to be single, explore, and grow up. It’s definitely happening all around me now
I was reading your conversation @atea1234 and @mike2014 , and this part, haha, EXACTLY what also happened with me and my ex:
“we were in an âopen relationshipâ. we still visited each other, spoke everyday, said i love you, etc. but we were free to hookup with other people. … i felt compelled to know everyone he hooked up with and the details because i couldnât stand him keeping things from me. he told me some things and then i became jealous and paranoid every time he would hang out with girls he had hooked up with even though he wasnât cheating. he also never wanted to hear anything about who i hooked up with. he told me he never wanted to think or know about it.”
It was exactly the same with us – his one rule was that he didn’t want to know, and my rule was that I wanted to know everything. We took this one longer break and he later told me he slept with 3 girls during that time, and I took a whole afternoon, I asked who they were, how it happened, etc etc. It was really torturous for him to answer and for me to hear, but it made me feel a bit better. Because if I didn’t know, I would imagine the worst – I had some ideas about girls he liked and wanted to know if it was them, and I would always feel insecure and wonder if it was one of those girls he’s hanging out with now, etc. It would have driven me crazy. So when he confirmed it was none of the girls he regularly hung out with, I felt a bit better. But then it could have gone the other way around! Ultimately, I feel like an open relationship is NOT a great option, it definitely was part of the reason we eventually parted ways. We both got a sense of you know, there might be other things our there for us to explore, and between us it caused tension, distrust, resentment.. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. But yeah, I thought it was funny, how we felt really compelled to know every detail and the boys thought ignorance would be bliss.
Also, @mike2014, I still think you should ask her about the letter. Perhaps she’s put it out of her mind completely, or perhaps she’s read it and is not sure if or how she should respond. At least when you have your “final talk” you should find out if she’s read it. And if she hasn’t, you should clarify if those things still apply or how your perspective has changed etc. When do you plan on talking to her and do you still plan on suggesting reconciliation? Has the new tinder match changed anything for you at all? From some of the things you said about how you and your ex were both independent people – I think this is really important actually and not something to be taken lightly. More often than not you will end up with matches of people where one of the partners is independent and the other more needy, and that is a constant source of tension and problems. I think you both being on the same page in that aspect is one of your biggest strengths and you should expect that it might be difficult to find another girl like that – everyone “pretends” to be like that at the beginning, so don’t be fooled, but it will always become apparent eventually.
unimare,
i think this is a difference between girls and guys! i also would ask my ex every single excruciating detail. he wouldn’t want to tell me because he would say I’m only hurting myself and not to torture myself but i HAD to know. he, on the other hand, wanted to know NOTHING. and that would really bother me too. so i would sit and listen to how he hooked up with 3 girls and i would want to tell him “guess what i did the same!!!” and he would literally beg me not to say anything because he didn’t want to ever think or know about it. lsat summer when we took a brief “break” he traveled abroad and ended up having a fling with a girl who lives in europe and i wanted EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of every interaction. it was so painful. when i was home i ended up hooking up with one of my best guy friends from growing up and my ex literally didn’t want to hear anything about it. i told him it happened but he said he didn’t want to know how far it went, how many times, etc. even when we spoke 3 weeks ago i asked him questions about the girl he was seeing and he said “ill tell you because i want to be open and honest but don’t do this to yourself” and then i told him i had been seeing someone and he said “I’m happy if youre happy but i don’t want to hear about it”.i don’t think us being in that open relationship caused our break up because it was 4 years ago but it definitely caused a lot of tension and issues in our relationship and i would absolutely never ever do it again with him or with anyone else. i keep wondering how reconciling with him would be now after i know he’s dated and slept with other girls consistently. at least now we took a somewhat clean break and are not labeled as together at all but I’m still not sure i would get past it. then again, the whole point of our break up was to date other people. its very complicated. right now I’m at a stage where i can’t imagine ever loving someone else as much, i can’t imagine us never being together again, but i have no idea how we would ever be ok after this and i don’t think he will be anywhere near ready to reconcile soon and i think if he is down the road, it may be too late.
how are you doing unimare?
on a positive note – sometimes i think maybe a clean break is what we needed if we are ever going to have a successful relationship in the future. i think we kept covering up past issues but now they are all exposed, and we both are having time and space to heal so sometimes i think it would be a lot healthier and more mature if we were to reconcile eventually, but other times i think its too far gone. I’m really at a loss with all of it!
I’m doing okay, atea, thank you. I think I’m a little bitter and a little disillusioned after this experience, but after he said he didn’t love me anymore, it was easy to let go. And he even expected us to stay friends – well, I love my friends! Love is not something that should be specific to just this feeling of being “in love” with someone. I said that what he thought he felt could not have been love if it just went away like that. His response was that he guesses he doesn’t love anyone then.. which is sad, for him. He’s selfish and emotionally detached, so I can’t imagine a very fulfilling future ahead for him. I, on the other hand, will love again. Anyway, I had to suck up my bitterness to wish him a happy birthday, but that’s the extent of it.
I fear that sometimes when people are searching for this kind of feeling or nudge that they can be sure that this one person is right for them or that they no longer have a need to look around, they might not recognize it. Or they might expect like a bigger sign.. which sometimes just never happens. You can’t wait around for a sign, sometimes you just have to trust your judgement and go with it and invest in it. That’s the case with my ex anyway, I feel like he was always waiting around for some sign, but that never happened. And I doubt it ever will. He will just always get fidgety after a while. But I hope your ex is different!
Unimare,
Good to hear you are doing ok. About the letter, when I asked her in December she said she keeps it by her bed on nightstand and looks at it often. She said it’s too emotional for her to read it. I agree with you an open relationship would have never been a possibility for me, but too each their own. I also was never in a relationship were we weren’t close in proximity. It’s hard for me to judge someone in a long distance relationship. It seems like your ex got cold too often and didnt really know what he wanted. Maybe this was good for you so u can find someone who will really want to be with you and be warm.
Nothing from the letter has changed. I didn’t ask for her back in it. Just some of things I said in here I said in here. How I understand why she did what she did. How I know at this moment she needs her space to work on herself. How I will always try to be there from her but understand right now she doesn’t want me in her life. How I’m sorry couldn’t offer her a family and marriage at that time. Shared some of my favorite memories. I just asked to respond if she had any thoughts and I’d like to hear them. I plan on meeting up in March after my bday. She is going through a but now and it’s not a good time with her stress level. I’m still to,caring about her feelings even now which is bad.
Atea, what you said in your last few posts makes sense. You both need time away to make the relationship stronger. You both need to,release the issues that you were fighting and start new if possible. You are both getting older so your next relationship will be stronger and more mature cause you will both will fully committ. Hope that happens or you met someone willing to do that.
Well, this new girl is pretty great so far. I’m alittle surprised actually. She seems real reserved, is educated, and has a pretty good job.she also likes and worked in sports. We have been talking pretty much now the past few days consistently. She actually asked me out of Wednesday, my kind of girl lol. I will see how it goes. I’m going to not bring up my past relationship unless she asks about my history. I’m at a point where it’s been pretty long so I can’t let that be a scapegoat for a future relationship if it’s a possibility.
Have a great Saturday all!
Belle I understand, best of luck
Unimare,
Im sorry to hear about your experience and what your ex said and I can only imagine that it would be heard to hear those things. I also agree that no relationship is perfect and there is often not a “sign”. Relationships are hard work and go through rough patches and good and bad times and if your ex is one to walk away when times get hard then maybe it’s best you saw that now. Sometimes I wonder the same from my ex. Im not sure how you really know if someone is “the one” and how my ex plans to sort through things. I think he honestly just got a little bored and wanted the excitement of seeing what else is out there. Im not sure once he realizes what else is out there if he will make a decision or not. But if he’s someone who easily walks away that’s not someone I want to settle down with either. Im not sure exactly what I even want anymore or what he does. Im keeping with the Nc now and then hopefully we can meet up in time and I can have more closure and clarity to best move beyond this.Mike,
Im happy to hear you have an exciting date! Not mentioning your ex on the date is the right move. I feel like I always somehow end up bringing mine up and it’s so awkward but maybe just means I’m not entirely ready to be dating yet. I hope the date goes well for you and it’s good you’re looking forward to it! As for your ex and the letter it’s only fair for her to give you answers so you can understand and try to move forward if she doesn’t want to reconcile. I hope you get the answers soon. When is your birhday?1 week away the 28th!
Just booked my room in AC. I can’t wait. It better not snow where I can’t get there. Rooms r crazy crazy expensive.
Oh wow that’s soon! That wil be so much fun. 30 is a big one!! Curious to see how your ex handles that…
@Belle I’ll miss you! Hope you’re feeling better though:)
My ex texted me about a broken piece of furniture that he’s now fixed (after I texted him a funny memory I had thought of). I said I wouldn’t trust the broken furniture to be fixed, to which he replied “it is welcome to try”. So… what to make of that. Is it an invitation? Does it mean anything at all, or are they just polite words, friendly? He knows we might not see each other again. Quite confused by this… Haven’t responded yet, and don’t know if I will. Your thoughts on what he meant?
Hope everyone is doing okay!
hi @aphrodite! happy to hear from you!
maybe he means it as a metaphor? I’m not sure. regardless him communicating with you is good and it seems friendly! i wouldn’t over analyze but i think its a good thing. if i were you i probably wouldn’t respond just because the ball will be in your court to initiate for the next time if you don’t answer this one and I’m sure there will be a point soon when you want to reach out. maybe he is starting to come around? have you been speaking much?I’m actually feeling pretty strong lately. very few tears, eating and sleeping plenty, enjoying my friends! I’m getting kind of over the guy i was seeing but a nice distraction for the time being. anyway i think my ex is being an idiot but he will have to realize on his own. I’m 3 weeks nc as of tomorrow and have no desire to reach out đ I’m definitely feeling myself starting to move on so he doesnt have much longer to figure everything out!!
Aphrodite,
That is a friendly text from him. It does seem like an invitation I would assume. What his intentions are tho, it’s really hard to say. Maybe just you guys talking a bit can start to attract him. If he continues to be friendly and such maybe then it could be a good time for you to go see him.
On my end I feel like I have really hit the point where I have shared everything in here lol. I enjoyed all of you giving me your opinions on my situation. I don’t plan on not coming on here or leaving at this moment. I just know I’m down to one thing and that is laying it all on the line to her. Giving it that final talk and see what she has to say. I need answers to why she has acted the way she does and explain why if we can’t try again then I need to disappear out of here life. Maybe one day along time down the road we can be friends, but can’t go on like this has been right now. I realized last night when talking to a friend, one who really helped me out the most that I’m still scared. Him and his wife welcomed me into their home when I was at my worst last spring and summer. I got alittle drunk last night and he asked about her. He just said the same thing everyone else has said. It seems she still cares by her action, but I need to find out and get it in the open. It’s really hard to imagine 8.5 years really down the drain and I am scared to totally lose her, but it is a must for me. I know this is it and all I can do. It’s hard to imagine losing my one time 100%, but really I already have. This will all be done by the end of March.
Thank you all so much for your opinions and thoughts. I just really know what I have to do next.
Also, I’m meeting this new girl on Wednesday for dinner. This will be my first ever, I guess blind date lol. Iv seen pictures of her and we have talked for a few days, but it’s pretty much a blind date.
Well girls do you have and advice for me lol?
mike, i feel like i have not much else to discuss either! but I’ve kind of learned to use this thread as a journal. a lot of people suggest journaling/writing letters that you don’t ever send after a break up but it seems kind of lonely to me. i just like writing my thoughts in here and getting feedback. I’m not longer looking for a way to “get back ex back” and everything i say is kind of repetitive now. its just nice to vent to people who can understand what I’m going through!
i can understand why you would be scared to have the final conversation with your ex. right now even though youre not together and over the initial emotions of the break up, you still have that hope in the back of your head that this isn’t the end. i feel the same way. once you have this talk with her, if she doesnt want to reconcile, you know you will need to cut contact completely so you can move on and start a relationship with someone else down the road. its scary because its like ripping off a band aid and sacrificing that last bit of hope. but i honestly think in the end you will be so happy you went through with it. her actions show she still loves and cares about you. if she wants to reconcile, i have no doubt that you will recreate a stronger relationship that will end in you getting married. but if she doesnt want to reconcile, i think its best that you hear it from her now because as painful as it will be, you will finally be able to put that last bit of hope to rest. and even though it might be a setback for you, you will be fine. you’ve come so far and it will only put you back a little. youre right in that it is so necessary to do this but i can understand why you are scared. its not easy. but after 8 years you deserve answers as to why she’s acted the way she has after the break up and what she wants for the future.
as for your date on wednesday, just have fun!! one of the best things about blind dates is that there is no pressure. no one set you up so there are no expectations. i went on a couple random dates from these apps at the beginning. they were kind of fun! just go in not expecting much. plus i would always have a glass of wine or two before i got there to ease the nerves! try not to talk about your ex (I’ve done it way too many times) and just relax and be yourself! you’d be surprised how much there is to talk about because you know nothing about her. ask her questions about herself and seem confident and happy. it will be a nice distraction if nothing else!
Thanks Atea as usual your words mean so much.
I will be pretty much meeting her right after work so I don’t think I will have time to get a few in me lol. I am looking forward to having a nice fun time. I feel like we already have a decent amount in common and have talked quit a bit so far. I’m usually pretty good one on one compared to a group setting where I tend to just try to blend in. She picked a pretty nice restaurant to go to which is nice as well. So far she seems classy and that is something I prefer most definitely. I’m sure we will both be nervous so I’m not too worried about that. I have to remind myself to not over analyze everything or compare her to anything. I feel this date compared to the few others is different because so far she seems like a good girl compared to the other which I didnt have any expectations for.
Thanks for your advice, it’s much appreciated!!
Have a nice Monday
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