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Posts
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mike,
a lot of your post really hit home for me. my ex and i got into a huge fight about 2 weeks before we broke up. when he would go out with his friends i didn’t care if he didn’t text me but i liked when he would text me and tell me when he got home or would at least say good night to me when i was going to bed. i had texted him around 11 saying i was going to sleep and he never responded and then i woke up at 5 and still hadn’t heard from him. he never did this so i got really nervous and panicked and called him and he didn’t pick up. he called me back a half hour later saying he just got home and “forgot” to answer my text earlier. i found this ridiculous because this was our routine for every night he went out with his friends in the last 7 years! i went to his apartment the next day and that was the first time he told me he started to feel different about the relationship – that he wondered what it would be like to be single and he felt like he hadn’t been appreciating me as much as he should. i asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no because we had both just moved to the city were adjusting to life here, etc. and we should give it more time. two weeks later he broke up with me.what you said, “you don’t know what you have/had until its gone” i think really rings true in my situation as well. after so many years, he told me he felt he wasn’t appreciating me in the way he used to and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the amount of time we were together or something else but he hoped breaking up would either cause him to appreciate me more or realize it was best to go our separate ways. it sounds like the first thing is what happened to you in your situation. i wonder how my ex feels now that he’s had time without me. to be honest these past 3 weeks we haven’t been speaking probably is just giving him his first taste of life without me because there was a point in time we were still speaking everyday. i wonder if he is feeling fulfilled by the new girl in his life.
in your situation, it really does sound like you both reached ruts personally which caused a stalemate in your relationship. i think this is actually pretty common in long term relationships and i actually think this is when taking a “break” is helpful- to help both of you address personal issues and to hopefully come back stronger and more prepared to have a better relationship in the future. it sounded like your relationship ended for this reasons solely and not from a lack or love or argument. thats why I’m optimistic in your situation. i really hope she reaches out positively on your birthday and you can finally set up a time to sit her down and tell her how you really feel. i think you’ve reached a point of not needing her but still wanting her which is key in reconciliation so i think youre prepared to have that conversation and I’m pretty confident she will react well to it. it sounds like she just wanted things to change and didn’t know what else to do and now things have changed!
Belle and Aphrodite,
My ex was also very independent. We both liked doing things independently and on out own. We both were not needy people. She would put up the biggest fight if I payed for everything. She at least bad to pay the tip or I did dinner then she would do the next activity. I feel like she kept track of this stuff. One hell of a detailed person and planner. She would never let me see what she would write down. I actually enjoyed this quality about her. I can’t deal with needy people. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself. I once made the mistake of saying that she can stay home and I can work and provide for her. That pissed her off like none other. She was not ever willing to do that. I also miss the way she looked after me and cared for me. She definitely stayed on me and I appreciated that even if I joked about it. It’s comforting to have someone care for you in that way.
Even now post break she is being really independent. She once told me after I asked who she went with to see a movie, she said I went solo and don’t mind doing that. She said I’m sure you think that’s strange but it doesn’t bother me. She also is buying a house to live in solo now. That’s how she is and will never have things not be equal or want to be taken care of in a needy sense from a guy.
I used to go do things solo as well. I went to sporting events solo in Ny a few times when my friends couldn’t get off during the week during the day. We both did things on our own a lot. I guess that’s weird
There are some things that are big turn offs for me:
1) a
Needy and clingy person. I can’t deal with talking or constant texting all day. When we were at work we barely reached out till we were both done. Then we had a quick talk tom see how each other was then would talk every night at 11 if we didn’t hang out. We both enjoyed out independence and doing things for ourselves. This is why we lasted so long together.2) I can’t deal with a possessive person who needs to know what I’m doing all the time at every minute. I’m a trust worthy person and she never had a reason to think otherwise and neither did I. My friends girls would literally call for 20 minutes straight till they picked up the phone. It’s like you told her you were playing basketball, why the eff would she keep calling you. I would have needed a relationship like that at halftime of the basketball game. I would go play golf on a Sunday for 5 hours and not even take my phone with me. Never did I receive a call or text from her because she knew where I was. If she did text she would say I know your golfing sorry to bother you but just wanted to let you know this or that. Call
Me whenever you are done.Maybe I’m really doomed and was spoiled?
Mike,
I laughed reading your last post. You would absolutely hate dating me! Everything you said you couldn’t stand describes my relationship with my ex. If he wasn’t answering me and I didn’t know where he was, I would call or text constantly until I heard from him. In fairness to me if he would have said “im going golfing I’ll text you later” I would have been fine but he had a habit of going places and doing things and leaving his phone for hours and I would get so frustrated not knowing where he was.I also think a main reason for our constant texting was because we were in a long distance relationship for so long. I think we tried to over compensate by talking a lot.
It’s funny when my ex and I first broke up and I went to talk to my therapist she said it sounded like my ex and I both grew up but our relationship never left high school. I think in a lot of ways she was right. Some of the things we used to argue about were so dumb im retrospect. I actually think we needed this time off because if we do reconcile we will have the chance to recreate a new relationship. I know the love and connection is there but I think we both still have some growing up to do before we can have a mature and healthy relationship with each other. We also had a number of trust issues in our relationship that we always covered up but I think caused a lot of tension over the years.
Something I need to work on myself is becoming more independent. I was independent on him in many ways. Over the last 5 months Ive seen great improvements in myself in this area actually.
I think what you’re describing you and your ex had was a mature and healthy adult relationship. I think that’s what many couples strive for.
Thanks atea for your responses. I think everything you have been saying is what I realized as well. It’s good to hear it from someone else as well. Relationships are all very different and people are all very different. What you had worked for you guys and what I had worked for us for a long time as well. I did always text her when I was on my way home or when I got home so she knew I was safe. She would do the same. She actually would always say to me the way you are drunk is how you should act sober. I was way more open and loving lol. I would say things I wouldn’t usually and tell her how much I loved her and being with her. I guess I was a happy drunk lol. I expressed Myself without feeling non manly I guess lol.
To be honest though, our independence was also a hinderance as well. When we were in a rut like at the end we both took advantage of doing things solo too much. I shut her off and she realized it and did the same. We were stuck in a bad routine. This is why now she may feel very comfortable being alone.
My tinder game is picking up lol. Some girl messaged me last night and we have been messaging all day. We have a lot in common. She is big into sports and went to school for what I did. I think I’m going to ask her out. We have been talking for like 6 hours.
mike, i understand and i think its all about balance. i think if my ex and i were to reconcile i would definitely be ok with a little more independence but i also know I’m the kind of girl who likes a lot of attention and liked him to check in with me often. i also think its hard to break old routines.
I’m happy for you about the girl on tinder! you should definitely ask her out. one of my best friends met her current boyfriend on tinder so it does happen!! if nothing else it will be a fun night out and a nice distraction. nothing to lose and since you have a lot in common it should be easy conversation.
im missing my ex a lot today. keeping nc is definitely getting easier, but i just miss having him in my life. i just wish i knew what he was thinking and if we will reconcile any time in the coming months. regardless i will not reach out and ask. the ball is in his court entirely.
Atea,
“I know the love and connection is there but I think we both still have some growing up to do before we can have a mature and healthy relationship with each other. We also had a number of trust issues in our relationship that we always covered up but I think caused a lot of tension over the years.”
I think no matter how old you are, everyone needs to look at themselves and their relationship. Even at my age I know I had a lot of growing up to do. We started dating pretty early I guess as well and I know I needed to mature as well. We pretended I guess we were so beyond juvenile things, but really we both had things to work on there. I think after being with someone for so long you just at some point stop really looking at things and just focus on that day. You both get comfortanle and complacent. You get to the point where you start ignoring certain things because it’s not worth having a talk anymore.
Why did you guys have trust issues? You seemed to have a very open relationship built on pretty good communication.
Yea we talked pretty much back and forth all day. I asked for her number before I left work and she said sure and sent it to me. I was surprised I guess because she sent the first message to start talking. Will see how it goes.
Not knowing what someone else is thinking is the worst. I agree. It’s hard not to think about what they are doing and all that. I think it’s good you are keeping NC. Reaching out and getting what we do really is confusing and honestly hurts. Like you said you feel good in the moment, but then after read into everything they said or how they acted.
The whole letter thing is something that really has been bothering me. It’s upsetting that she still hasn’t read it or did and won’t respond at all to it. I gotta let this go. I always hoped she would read it, respond and then I could give it another real hard push down the road. Like I said many times this was given to her in October. I was hoping a few months after she read it to approach her based on how she responded.
I hope you night is a good one and you have a good Friday night. Stay warm!!! It’s brutal outside.
mike, i think youre actually so right about getting comfortable and complacent and ignoring certain things after being together for so long. i think my ex and i both did this. i think overall we were way too comfortable in the relationship and didn’t make an effort to make the changes as necessary. this break up has really forced me to grow up and recognize my own issues and i really wonder if my ex has taken the time to self reflect on his shortcomings. sometimes i think he just actively tries to not think about the relationship so he can move on. I’m not sure but anyway i can’t control that.
we did have good communication but our trust issues stemmed from taking some time off in college. there was a semester my freshmen year and his sophomore year that we were in an “open relationship”. we still visited each other, spoke everyday, said i love you, etc. but we were free to hookup with other people. i ultimately couldn’t take it anymore and when we got home that summer told him it was all or nothing and he picked all. i felt compelled to know everyone he hooked up with and the details because i couldn’t stand him keeping things from me. he told me some things and then i became jealous and paranoid every time he would hang out with girls he had hooked up with even though he wasn’t cheating. he also never wanted to hear anything about who i hooked up with. he told me he never wanted to think or know about it. i guess thats a huge difference between us. even now i called him to ask about the girl he is seeing and then i mentioned i was seeing someone he cut me off and said he wanted no information. also, last year we had a “break” that lasted about 2 months. it essentially happened for the same reasons as this break up but we honestly only stopped talking for maybe a week and then hung out and talked constantly as if we were dating so it never felt real. during this time he had a brief fling with a girl who lives abroad while he was traveling for a few weeks. he came clean about it after but again every time they would talk i would get really jealous. and they were friends before this happened so he didn’t understand why he couldn’t be friends with her after – they were together maybe only 3 weeks and he told me there were no real feelings involved. as a result i guess he would still talk to her time to time but not tell me and i would catch him and we would have repeated fights. my ex never cheated on me but these small “breaks” in our relationships caused a lot of friction. this is something else I’m nervous about. now that i know he’s been dating other girls even if we did reconcile i really don’t know if i could ever put it past me. but this time is different because we are very clearly broken up – the other times felt more like betrayals because we were basically still dating. i guess if the time comes that he wants to get back together i will have to see how i feel about all of this.
i hope the date goes well! I’m glad she gave her number and reached out first. shows she’s very interested. i think you should go for it! dating sucks sometimes but if we never reconcile we need to get used to it!
not knowing what my ex is thinking is killing me but i don’t think he knows what he wants at all so me asking him doesnt solve anything. it also makes me feel worse. nothing is worse than the day after a long conversation with him when i know i need to start another nc period. i would rather just not ask him. i would never ignore him if he reaches out so I’m assuming he has nothing to say and nothing has changed since he hasn’t reached out yet. were nearing 5 months post break up, but i still think its been nowhere near enough time for him. i did ask him to tell me if he was dating someone seriously or if he knew one day either way what he wanted and he said he would so unless he reaches out I’m assuming the same things he’s been saying all along. he clearly needs more time.
if i were you, i would be pissed about the letter honestly. its kind of not fair. you put a lot of effort and emotion into that and she should know how you feel. whether or not she responds is up to her but not reading it is kind of annoying for lack of a better word. i have no idea how she has the will power to not read it. i think she owes it to you to read it. are you sure she still hasn’t read it? maybe she’s read it since then but hasn’t told you? i understand why it would be easier going into this next conversation with her if she had read the letter, but if she hasn’t maybe you’ll just have to reiterate things you said when you do sit down and talk to her.
it is freezing out tonight!! staying inside but going to push myself to go out with friends tomorrow night. so ready for this winter to be over!!
I feel like asking her about the letter is pointless now if I want to have a final talk with her. I will say this I do beleive she can’t open it because she is a weak person in that sense. I know she just wants to avoid having a final talk cause she can’t handle it. All her emotions tells me she really did love me at least but sometimes love isn’t enough. I know she is just scared to go back because of our ruts. When we did talk it got ugly for her like I mentioned about stomach pains and crying. I think she honestly thought I would just disappear because of what I once said along time ago about when it’s over its over for me. For her to say to me I thought u called to yell at me shows me she is guilty about ending things…I never yelled at her before. It’s just not my character.
Open relationships have to be really tough wow. I understand why you did it though since you were both in college and away from each other. I’m like him I wouldn’t ever want to know because if I did I might go crazy lol. Even now I can’t think about the possibility of her hooking up with someone. I can’t think about that. It would eat me up inside. It seems like your time away in college would have been enough for him to have his freedom in a sense and know whether you are the one or not. It’s not like you both were together everyday since 15 where you didn’t have a chance to be away from each other and be independant. This is tough to ask, but I will. Do you think he is really scared to tell you he doesn’t want you again? That he really does love you but maybe doesn’t want to be with you forever? With the open relationships and you both being away for awhile I think that might have been enough for him to experience life without you and now be willing to really settling down. I just keep thinking about my friends story about asking for the break during college when he was away, but then when he went back home after school he knew he wanted to be with her and marry her and was ready to settle down. I can’t speak for your situation because I don’t know him, but I feel like he had some space. I think the fact you are dating and preparing for a future without him is really good for you now. Even though you never know what will happen it seems like you are starting to think forward about a new life.
yeah, i wonder sometimes if your ex maybe thinks you wouldn’t want to reconcile because she left you and you wouldn’t forgive her for it? I’m not sure. she may feel like because she ended it there is no way you would go back to it. i also think its scary after being with someone so long to have the “final talk”. even when my ex and i speak now it always ends with “ill speak to you soon”. i always wonder what the final goodbye will be like.
in response to your question, i truly have no idea. yes, we were apart but we were never really broken up. the semester we were open was only one semester and it was when he was 19, so 4 years ago now. i know at that time he didn’t sleep with anyone and he didn’t hookup with anyone consistently. i know he made out with a few girls but that was really the extent of it. i actually had someone i ended up hooking up with consistently all semester and that always bothered my ex – that i had really gotten to know and get comfortable with someone else and he didn’t. but he chose that. at the time he was very focused on his frat and hanging out with the guys. i know he wasn’t an angel and definitely hooked up with girls but finding something consistent was far from his mind. i was a freshmen girl and ended up hooking up with a senior guy all semester. i had no feelings but i like to be comfortable and i thought it was cool that this older, attractive guy was into me. it actually got to the point at the end of the semester that the guy asked me out but i chose to go back to my ex. i think it always bothered him that i had this other relationship (even though it was meaningless) and he didn’t. i also don’t think either of us gave other people a fair shot because we were still talking constantly. he did have plenty of time and space to experience life without me but i don’t think he really experienced other girls. we were in an exclusive relationship for the rest of college. the summer right after we graduated we were on a “break” for maybe 2 months but again we spoke everyday and neither of us really got the chance to get close with anyone else. i think about your friends story as well and i honestly wonder what would’ve happen if we wouldn’t have been together long distance in college. i think you said your friend and his wife were broken up for years in college? my ex did have a lot of space when he was away from me so a big part of me feels like the fact that he didn’t want to enjoy this time in the same city together is a really strong sign pointing to me not being “the one” for him.
its funny I’ve asked him repeatedly the same question you asked. he keeps telling me he genuinely doesnt know – that I’m the only girl he’s ever known and loved and he has no idea if its possible with anyone else but he needs to know for sure. part of me knows he hasn’t really had time to experience other relationships but another part of me feels like he’s had space. its really confusing. but every time we’ve spoken, I’ve literally begged him for closure. I’ve asked him to tell me I’m not “the one” so i can put it behind me and he always says he can’t say that because he genuinely doesnt know – that he has doubts and doesnt always want to think “what if” but that he sees me in his future. at the end of the relationship, he told me it scared him that we already seemed like a married couple and we were so young. he’s been very honest with me throughout and honestly i think it would be easier on me if he would tell me he knows I’m not in his future but he wont say it. I’m not sure why. about a month ago, one of my best guy friends broke up with his girlfriend because he said he knew deep down he wasn’t “the one”. i literally texted my ex very bluntly and asked him if he felt that way about me. his response was that it was really about time – that he sees himself ending up with me but he needs to get to know other girls to compare our relationship to. i truly have no idea. its so weird though all summer there was always talk about when we get married etc. i truly don’t know what he’s thinking. i feel like eventually I’m going to need more closure than I’ve gotten if thats possible but I’m hoping to wait it out the two more months until my birthday and then ask him to meet up. about a month after we broke up when i saw him i begged him to tell me it was over for good and he shook his head and said “this isn’t the end”. i really don’t know. i feel like after 7 years and so much long distance and space he should know. but then again he told me the primary reason of this break up was because he’s never dated anyone else, which he hasn’t. so I’m not sure how to answer that question. I’m not sure if he freaked out about how long we’ve been together or “settling” down or if he genuinely feels like I’m not the one for him. I’ve asked repeatedly and he always says he isn’t sure. i actually think thats more cruel. i think he should’ve just shut the door.
actually when i called my ex three weeks ago the first thing i said is “i will not be a backup option to this new relationship. I’m no ones backup option”. and he said “this doesnt change anything. i told you i would be dating other girls. i could enter into a relationship and hate it and realize how great i had it with you. i never think of you as a backup option.” I’m not sure if he’s just trying to keep his options open or what. i flat out said to him “is this break up permanent?” and he said “i really can’t answer that. I’m not sure yet”. the whole thing is really so confusing. but the more time that passes the more i feel like if i was the one for him he would know it and not want to be without me but i really can’t read the situation well at all
sorry for the multiple posts I’ve just really been thinking a lot about what you asked. a month before the break up i saw a conversation my ex had with his best friend saying that he could see himself marrying me one day but would always regret not taking some time off from the relationship and my ex’s friend said “imagine how much stronger the relationship would be in the future if you did this” and my ex agreed.
i think the short answer to your question is he doesnt know. i don’t think he thinks I’m “the one” and is just going through some weird phase to “sow his oats”. i think he’s entirely not sure and i think he’s being honest. he may in time realize he was happiest with me and he may meet someone else. i think he’s been truthful all along about that. even when we spoke three weeks ago i said things shouldn’t have to be so complicated and if he really loved me so much this wouldn’t be happening and his response was simply “every relationship is different”. it honestly hurts my brain to think about. regardless i know i will be ok without him – I’m just not going to be open to falling for anyone else for a long time. but thats ok – I’m young!
anyway i hope youre having a fun friday night! and @belle, i hope everything is ok! you’ve been quiet!!
Hi all,
I think my ex is really manipulative and blaming me for everything. I think he’s got a scew lose to be honest and has big problems. For now I really need to move on from him and I’m going to for a bit try and not come on here as just think maybe to keep taking about it might not be helping me, im not sure to be honest so am going to take a few days out to see how I feel.
Keep strong everyone and shall catch up soon 🙂
I feel like I knew her so well, but now maybe I don’t. I don’t know what she is thinking. All I know is we are not together and honestly don’t think we will. If we do it will be later on in life. She hasn’t even dated anyone now in almost a year. She hasn’t even had the chance to see the grass isn’t greener, or that maybe it is greener. I really think she is content with being alone and keep trying to get herself happy again.I also wonder why for some reason she is also scared to completely cut contact with me because she always says talk to you later or it was nice chatting or has always said about we can always hang out.
Her brother texted me tonight. He will sometimes reach out to talk sports or music. He’s like my little bro. He always tells me we are still family and he never doesn’t want to be friends. He said congrats on the new job and that he’s happy for me. I said oh I guess you saw it on facebook. He said no my sister actually told me about it. I find it a bit strange she told him I guess. I don’t think it means anything but she is still talking about me it appears. I really miss that kid lol.
Atea,
I’m impressed with you asking those questions. I see my questions got you thinking. Hopefully it didn’t interrupt your Friday night. I think taking his responses as truthful makes sense because as you said he’s an honest person. They were not together after I guess freshman year, but they did stay in contact. He would always send her stuff on her birthday and Valentine’s day I remember. I think during summer breaks they would also hang out. He just wanted his space when he was away at college and she was back home going to school. It seemed like they knew they would always be together, but just it wasn’t the right time. He didn’t want to be together with her and hurt her doing the college stuff.
I think it’s good to think about these things. I also think it’s good how blunt you have been with him. You definitely were asking the right questions. He’s just not ready to answer them. It’s definitely unfair to you, but like you have been saying you can’t wait around forever. You have been very positive lately and really showing signs of getting a lot better. Like you said you are becoming more independant which is great. You are young and have many great years ahead. That response would hurt my brain to. What you asked him was a fair question and you didn’t really get a true answer back. It’s frustrating.
I will end with a new story…I think I once talked about a friend of mine who has been with a girl since he was 15. They are engaged and have a house. He got a new job where he works crazy hours. He met a new girl but it was emotional and not pysical at all. Well we all suspected his girl to be cheating on him a few years ago but she denied it to him. Well he just caught her with a guy she has been with for awhile now behind his back. This guy is a big loser and has a history of being in trouble with the cops. Once he caught her he come home from work the next day and she moved out for this other guy. She blocked his number so he can’t even contact her. It’s unbeleivable crazy this situation. I don’t understand how after all those years she could do this and then just cut someone out of your life. My other friend told him a quote his grandfather told him awhile ago, if you stay with your puppy love, you lead a dogs life. Not really completely sure whAt that means but I got a chuckle out of it. It’s amazing how people can change so fast and hurt the ones they love.
I will also say this, I don’t know what is in the water but it seems like all my friends are breaking up or close to it. Me with 8.5 years, him with 15, my friend I go out with every Saturday hates his wife after 2 years of marriage, my other friend with two kids who is married is really struggling with his wife and they bArely talk. Is it something with the age of 30?
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