-
Posts
-
I also wanted to comment on something @mike2014 said about the thing about men being emotional and the balance of being the strong one vs the emotional one. I do think that women expect men to be stronger and to stay level headed when they are being irrationally emotional, but that does not entail not being able to communicate your feelings! So like atea said, it’s a balance! Feeling things and being able to put that into words and being motivated to work on problems and expressing concerns etc is all very important. I think men are often lacking in these skills because of the way we are brought up. Girls play house and play with dolls and imitate relationship situations whereas boys are told dolls are for girls and that men don’t cry. It teaches them to suppress their feelings and that’s not very healthy at all.
Also, I’m meeting the ex today! Kind of nervous/feeling weird about it. I just don’t know what to say.. and no, we haven’t been in communication at all. Just a few emails about practical matters and then about meeting up. But I’m really feeling quite distant from him. Like I’ve moved on. I’ve also just discovered Tinder, lol! And I’ve been having quite a bit of fun with it. I don’t want to meet anyone yet, but I have a lot of matches and it’s just nice to talk to new people and get to know them. And it’s good for the ol’ bruised ego of mine. I’ve also been busy with work and the weather is slowly getting nicer, so I’m feeling optimistic.
Any words of wisdom on how I should act with the ex? Optimistic and positive at first? And then talk about the relationship if I still have anything to say? Or keep cold and aloof throughout?
Please help I don’t know what is best To do. I can’t do full nc due to working with and having a daughter with my ex girlfriend. She insists it’s over for good and has a new bloke she is “seeing” but claims as of yet it’s not sexual. But nearly everyday she comes to me to ask me to go for breakfast or lunch with her or out for a cigarette with her (I don’t smoke) am i best trying to be friendly or saying no we need to stop? Its really confusing as she is adamant were over for good (6months already) but it seems she still has feelings.
Mbrad86
It’s quite clear you need to stop carrying on with the contact, act polite and discuss only your daughter. I would explain you need some space and time to come to terms with the break up.
Constantly seeing her will not raise her feelings towards you any more if you drip feed her.Unimare
Good luck with the meeting today, be polite and open. Only unless you really want to be cold I would just be platonic so he has no bad aftertaste on leaving you.Aphrodite
He’s blaming you 100%, just like my ex. It’s an immature way of dealing with things and very typical in early days of a break up. Once things start to move on they may have the intelligence to actually see that it takes two to make a relationship work and two to break one.
My ex didn’t really listen to me, he only listened to what he wanted to hear and not the really important stuff I always tried to explain to him.
Interestingly enough, my ex too has told me I’ve scared him! It’s like what the hell… How!? Apparently when I went to his mums…. Yeah right… Did I turn up with a shot gun or something?! Ridiculous!
I think it’s their way of coming up with something. I asked him the Monday he came around what part of that was I this mad person he so claims!? It’s prefabricated bollocks.
I think in long term relationships we all put up with behaviour thanks not desirable because we get used to it and then one day something snaps. This is obviously what’s happened in his case. Like in mine. At the time it’s bearable then after it’s realised and the relationship breaks down then the thoughts of the past in a negative way comes rushing in.
Yes it’s a lack of communication, 100%. If things were addressed at the time then things could have been different but sometimes people arnt open at the time to recieve this.All relationships have these issues and it depends on the couple of how it gets resolved if at all. Sometimes it’s left too long where it can’t be resolved. After time though when everyone has healed it then can be discussed.
Try not to let his words upset you, he’s not at that stage to be able to reflect how he contributed to the break up.
I’ve only just started to reflect how my ex has made a huge contribution to the break up. He made out it was all my fault, blaming me for everything and more!
I have emailed him a few times to explain exactly my side of things and gave him detailed incidents of the times that I tried to explain things to hi for him to just trample over my thoughts. Most opinions I had he used to say I was wrong. When your dealing with someone like that it’s almost impossible to communicate with them because it’s a one way conversation. He used to talk over me a lot too when things got heated so again I felt I was never heard.Yes Aphrodite, I would contact your ex as and when you need to, you’ve done your NC and you’ve a lot in your system you need to get out. The least he can do is listen and take on board, it’s the least he can do for the 10 years you invested in him!
I have always felt that you shouldn’t try to get your ex back, but this time I will make an exemption, as I have lost a person whom I really love.
So this has been my second day in the NC phase
So let the game begin .. .. ..I agree, I don’t understand the blame game. I’m a very upfront and honest person and would still never say anything defensive like that to my ex now. I think when your men exes are saying these things it’s all defensive and they refuse to accept blame on themselves. I think at their ages they are being very immature and irrational. I had no problem when I talked to my ex after saying my faults and that I effed it all up. I accepted responsibilities for my actions and apologized. She also said it wasn’t all my fault and she played a role in everything as well. If they feel the need to say they are happier than ever and put blame solely on you they are bullshitting you and deflecting. If you really care about someone you don’t act like that.
Unimare,
Goodluck tonight with everything! Hope you get everything you want out of it.I turn 30 in under 2 weeks. Man this sucks lol. I have contacted a few of my closest friends about going out for it. I really want to go to Atlantic city for the night and just get bottle service and chill out with friends. I really hope this happens. Need to get away and have a blast. It’s been awhile since we all been together since two of my closest friends live in north jersey.
good morning everyone!
@unimare, good luck today!! i know I’m hours behind you so i assume its happened already, so let us know how it went!! i hope you just appeared happy and upbeat and he gave you some of the answers you were looking for! meeting an ex is nerve racking for sure, but i hope it went well!
@belle, i agree your ex is still very much playing the blame game and he’s acting very immature. i think you were right in saying that in the relief stage many exes are still playing this, but over time when reality sits in and they start to reflect on the relationships it is when they will start to see how their own decisions impacted the relationship ending. i think time and nc is the only way these guys will ever reach that conclusion. youre right in that sometimes they may come back too late, but i definitely think you will be hearing from your ex in coming months when he really takes the time to examine it all.
@mike2014, thats a big birthday!! sounds like that would be a fun night out for all your friends. i would be really interested to see how your ex handles this birthday. when my ex and i broke up, we also both owned up to our mistakes and when we’ve spoken since he’s apologized for the way he treated me at the end and I’ve apologized for the way I’ve acted as well. sometimes i think these break ups on good terms are even more confusing!Ok back from the meeting with the ex..
Well, it was.. good. In a devastating kind of way. Good because I really felt like what he had to say didn’t affect me very much anymore and also because it felt like closure. Even though I don’t believe it that.
Anyway, word of advice – if any of you also plan a meet up with your exes that you expect might not go so well, definitely do it in a public place! There were some tears today, but since it was in public, we both had to restrain the emotions.
It started out a bit awkward, I was polite but cold, he was polite but apologetic/guilty (because of my letter), we talked a bit about what we’d been up to and some mutual acquaintances. And then later also about break up stuff and about whether or not we could stay friends. He seemed to want to, but failed to give one good reason why (seemed like it was out of guilt). Also he told me some things that really hurt – like that he had stopped loving me – something he never brought up while breaking up with me!! Back then it was just about how he wasn’t ready to settle down etc etc – he thought that since he wasn’t ready, that’s why the love went away, but I told him that’s not how love works (a part of me still loves him for example, despite not liking him as a person very much!!). So yeah. I thought that was pretty harsh. And there were some other stuff. A part of me feels bad for him, he was quite upset. I said we were probably better off not staying friends. Maybe someday. And that he could still get in touch if he needed to etc. Okay, now as I write this I’m crying a little bit, I felt fine before.. But yeah, it just felt really final. And also he’s taken a lot away from me – in terms of what I thought our relationship was and how he felt about me, and then the reality which is actually different. Oh well. 4 years wasted as they say.Anyway, atea, I guess our stories aren’t that similar after all. My ex just used the whole “want to look around some more” as an excuse… Yours has been very clear that he still loves you very much. I guess that’s something, eh.
@unimare,
I’m happy to hear the meeting went well. i also am not sure that it is ever truly possible to feel “closure”, but I’m glad you were able to find some finality in your conversation. i think its so mature that you were able to be honest with each other and stay on good terms. I’m sure some of what he said was heartbreaking to hear but i actually really respect him for answering honestly and truthfully. i really hate when people try to sugar coat situations. i agree staying friends is too difficult right now. maybe much further along the road but im sure this is all still emotional for both of you. he probably feels guilt over feeling the way he did and hurting you and I’m sure its hard to hear he felt that way.do not say that 4 years was wasted! you experienced love, have wonderful memories, and learned a lot about yourself and relationships. no one will ever take the memories away from you and you will go into your next relationship knowing what it is you want and i am confident you will be able to find happiness again.
im not sure i would prefer my ex still telling me he loves me. honestly, he’s not all that in love with me since he ended things to date other girls. i was with him for 7 years and he was truly my best friend so I’m happy we can both still think fondly of each other, but its really difficult to move forward with no closure from him and with him always telling me he’s not sure whether or not this is permanent. I’m not sure either situation is great but we all do the best with what we are given i guess!
anyway for some reason i have been feeling pretty happy the past week. something snapped inside me and its almost like i just don’t want to be miserable anymore. of course i want my ex to come back but me being miserable in the meantime isn’t making him come back or not. i might as well try to enjoy myself as much as possible and when both of us are ready to sit down and have a real conversation about the future hopefully i can have more answers then. nc is getting so much happier and I’m happy for all the positives i still have in my life. its funny i first came on this site really looking for a way to “get him back”, but now i just really want him to come back on his own because he realizes what a special relationship we had and i want him to make it up to me all this pain he’s caused. and if he doesnt do that in the next few months i feel like I’m preparing myself for the next great guy who comes along. hope everyone is having a good day!
Unimare,
You write in a way that really expresses emotion. I think you’re so incredibly brave, I don’t think I could have a conversation like that with my ex, I don’t think I will ever be ready and rather just move on. I feel I’ve cried a thousand times and just so tired of the emotions.
As atea said, even though we feel we’ve wasted years with our ex’s in fact we have many memories and great experiences with our ex’s. Yes it feels wasted time and I know exactly what you mean. It’s the chance we take when we start relationships that it either works or it doesn’t and we will time over take that risk, other option is staying single for ever just in case we get it wrong and waste more years.Well done for being so brave!
Atea,good news you are happier! It does make life easier that’s for sure. Maybe this new guy is helping too. As you say it’s another step forward in preparing for the next great guy!
I too hope and wait for my ex to realise the special relationship we had together and come back. We shall wait it out together atea!Unimare,
It’s good you at least got some answers out of him. That will hopefully give you the fuel to totally turn the chapter. It seemed like you were ok with that going into the meet up. I hope as the night goes on you continue to feel a sense of comfort and peace.
I know it’s going to sound dumb, but I also understand the whole X amount of years wasted comment you made. A part of me feels I really did not utilized most of my 20’s because 8.5 were spent with her. It’s really hard for me not to think that. I know it wasn’t a total waste, but now that we won’t ever be married of have a family it just seems all for nothing. The night we broke up I did my usual say something kind of quiet so she would hear it but not fully and I said, ” yea thanks for wasting 8 and a half years of my life.” This was after accepting what she was doing lol. At that moment I just really felt it was a long time to throw away and felt like all for nothing. Well, she obviously heard me say that and had to say well I don’t feel like it was a waste at all. I understand you saying that definitely unimare.
belle, unfortunately for both of us it really is just a waiting game. the way i see it, either we can be miserable while we wait or we can try to make the best of it and be as happy as possible while we wait. even if we don’t reconcile, both of us will have the opportunity to discuss our relationships with our exes in the future and either gain more closure or reconcile, but its still too soon for either of us to have these conversations. we must be patient! its so difficult but taking things day by day has been helping me.
mike, its funny you said that. my ex said something very similar to me when we broke up. he said, “what happens if 5 years from now we both look at each other and realize we shouldn’t get married? we would’ve wasted our twenties pigeon holed in a relationship during the years we should’ve been going out and meeting other people before making these decisions”. i guess now it kind of makes some sense to me. if he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me, now is the time to figure it out and not 5 years from now.
Thank you so much for your support, everyone! Now it’s just onwards on the road to recovery..
Unimare,
And onwards and upwards you shall go and into the arms of a lucky young man!Well, there have been a few changes over the last few days, ex and I have exchanged a few emails and his tone has changed, the anger is subsiding.
I reached out and he responded straight away which followed a series of mails which basically evolved around how each other felt but they were written in a slightly forceful way. They were emails that each of us told each other how we felt in the last few months of the relationship and certain times throughout our relationship.
I’ve taken on the role of agreeing with him that it would never work (this is false on my behalf). I’ve managed to get my feelings of frustration over and he’s responded.
He said if I want to carry on expressing my feelings he will read my email and re read if necessary. He told me he has no problem with that.This morning I wanted to ask him about his contribution he makes towards my sons school fees. I asked him if he would be carrying on but I would not be surprised if he did because why pay for a child you don’t see.
His response was, that why he has a job he will continue to pay.
I followed this by asking him why? He’s not responded to this question.
Out of all the mails he’s responded like mega quick! For the final question he’s not responded as yet. It’s like he doesn’t want to give his reason.So my summery is that by agreeing with the break up and actually instigating that it would never work he’s come out his shell a but more.
I actually don’t want him to respond to my last question because it makes me wonder that he’s still got feelings and can’t cut off yet.
I’ve got this date tomorrow just to change subject and to be honest I don’t want to go. We are meeting half way and we live 2 hours apart which is t too much of a problem for me because I don’t want anything serious. But the place he wants to meet is like really posh and nice but the drive for me is 1 hr 15 mins away while his drive is 45mins. I’m kinda thinking I don’t want to drive an extra half an hour more than him and thinking of putting him off!
What’s your thoughts people?!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.