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She said she is in the process of getting it. She didn’t say a date so I’m not sure. I don’t know what to make if her buying this house. She never once mentioned wanting to get a house because all she talked about was moving and finding a new job in NY. Guess she’s not going anywhere which bothers me because I would have pushed to get a house with her. The uncertainty of her wanting to relocate always hindered that talk from me to her. I don’t know what to make about this news… It seems so rushed and living in a big house solo is different for her. I don’t know if this hurts my chances or not. I’m waiting to see a bit if she reaches out for my help since she said she would. It’s not a good time as she gets very flustered and overwhelmed easily and I’m sure this is doing that to her. I was really supportive and happy for her and expressed that in the texts. She seemed very happy about it.
I think what you are doing is great. You seem to be going at a good and smart pace with the new guy. Until you feel ready it’s good to feel things out accordingly. How old is he?
Mike, yeah that’s big news to buy a house! Especially by yourself. Im sure you weren’t expecting her to do that! Maybe wait a while and you could always reach out and ask of she needs help with anything. so do you have any idea when you will bring up reconciling with her?
And he’s 27. I know still pretty young but I’m still 22 – will be 23 in April so seems a bit old to me!
It will be done before our one year mark which is early April. I want to do it in march now I think as my birthday is end if February and I know she will reach out. I will set up a meet around that time unless she reaches out first for help.
Hey 27 isn’t pretty young it is young lol.
That’s a good plan because you can plan on her reaching out then so it won’t be on you to just initiate out of nowhere to ask to meet up. That’s exactly my plan after my ex reaches out to me on my birthday.
I know 27 is old but he seems so much more mature than my ex who still thinks he’s a frat boy in college!
It’s perfect timing for you to meet up in March though and I have no idea how you were so patient all year. Im only at 4.5 months and I can’t imagine this not getting sorted out in 3 months or so but I know that’s very highly unlikely in my situationI would say I handled it decently. It was and is still tough. I have a lot of respect for her as a person so I had to look at why she made the decision and accept it. The night she broke up with me all I could say originally was I understand why you are doing this. It hit me hard like two days later tho. I started to change almost immediately and accept my faults. As time went on I really did think we would reconcile because of how we mutually treated each other. Once I gave it one last go end of July I somewhat gave up a lot of the hope. It sucks because I know I want to be with her and know I’m different now. When we talk I try to show her that and I know she realizes that. I guess it was all too late and I should have changed in 2013.
What really helped me is when I went away for two months. I was a 2and half hour flight away. I took that time to regroup myself and reflect. It was weird because when I went away she always would reach out to see how I was. When we met up before I left it was a emotional situation. I never really saw her act so emotional. She even texted me the next day to apologize for crying so much. I remember her grabbing a whole roll of toilet paper to use when she was crying. I gave her the letter that night and said I don’t know if I will ever be back. She did reach out quit a bit when I was away but I was just doing my own thing.
The first 3 months were really brutal for me. I understand where you are now. I would have dreams a lot of her that would wake me up. At some point you have to try to turn the corner or you will go off the deep end. I think you are doing pretty well in your situation tho atea. You are going out, met a new dude and seem to have a wonderful attitude. I do hope you get what you want in the end. We all deserve to be happy in the end.
as much as i don’t like my ex’s decision, i have to respect it as well. he told me he didn’t want to end up calling off an engagement or ruining a marriage over “what if” doubts. i know it was a hard decision for him whether or not he should end it and i need to respect that he knows himself well enough to do what he needs to. i accept my mistakes at the end of the relationship as well and know which changes i would want to make going forward, but i think our break up was more due to circumstances than our actual relationship. the reason we were fighting towards the end is because he started distancing himself and i started to feel insecure and under appreciated. he admitted at the end he felt we had been together for so long that he was taking me for granted and said maybe not having me for a while would make him appreciate the small things, but i think our break up was due more to his internal curiosities.
its funny the night we broke up i remember saying to my ex, “life is short. we all deserve to be happy. I’m sad its not me right now that makes you happy, but i hope you find what youre looking for”. and i meant it. he always made me happy. I’m not sure what caused the break up honestly, i think he almost freaked out about growing up and feeling like we were already a settled, married couple and thats what triggered this. but i do hope he’s happy.the night we broke up, we both sobbed and sat on a bench for a long, long time and i even physically throw up. it was really emotional for both of us. when i saw him a month after that he told me it was the worst night of his entire night. i didn’t sleep or eat for two weeks. now, i think I’ve turned a corner a bit. each day is still a struggle but there are times i find myself laughing or smiling and i can find happiness and appreciate other things i still do have in my life. i do still obsess over the situation and talk about it often but i think thats partly due to my obsessive personality and partly because our break up left me feeling like our situation is so open ended.
im glad you made all these positive changes though and i do hope you get a chance to show them to her. I’m a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. and i can tell there was a lot of love between you and your ex so I’m really hoping it goes well for you.
Ehh another Saturday going out. I just didn’t feel all that comfortable this Saturday. Maybe I’m growing a but tiresome of going out. Tonight was just a night I didn’t have much fun. It’s just not a place to really try and meet someone. Hope you all are having a nice weekend.
Morning all!
Well some might be just going to bed…Mike!?I went to see a Phil Collins tribute band last night, not really my kind of music but my good friend is a DJ for a local radio station and she’s always getting complimentary tickets, so free night out pretty much. Was actually quiet good! Anyway, the best part of the evening was that I was sitting next to this lady who was really getting in the swing of things. She had been drinking a bit so was very friendly towards me. Turns out she was single for 12 years after her divorce (she was like in her 50’s) she just was fed up with the whole thing and refused not to date anyone who didn’t really really love her. She raised the bar and stayed single apart from the odd fling until 3 years ago met the guy she was with. She said it was worth the wait. I saw that, this couple were like a match made in heaven, both a bit crazy, both having the time of their lives. They’ve been together 3 yrs now and have regained their zest for life and living it to the max.
So, if those guys can find love again at their age then we can… Ok, mike and atea may reconcile but you know what I mean.After my tarot reading on Friday I’ve been deep in thought.
I’ve come to the realisation which you all might know anyway but the penny is finally dropping for me that my ex is a nightmare person to be involved with. He’s NOT emotionally intelligent amongst other issues like trust and really my battle for this guy is an uphill struggle. Do I want this in my life? Do I want always to wonder when the rug will be ripped from beneath me? Will he be able to provide security for me? Do I want to spend months alone while he’s abroad? I seem to be miles ahead of him when it comes to personal growth and he’s not even thought about any issues he may have let alone addressing anything. He’s still blaming me for everything.The journey ahead with him looks rough, if and when he comes back. Do I want to waste more time on him?
I’m def becoming more open to meeting someone else that emotionally can tick more boxes than him. The good times and experiences we have had are being blurred by the negative side that I’ve experienced since Sept when he backed out of the house (I need that as much as a hole in the head!). Knee jerk reactions all the time!
So as time goes by I see this person that yes I love but also could end up wasting more years on him because right now I don’t think he will ever be open for change and personal growth.Oh yes D and I met up yesterday afternoon for a quick coffee as he was passing. Nothing like being made to be feel special by being fitted in when passing, worse still, not even a valentines card.
I found him more boring than ever too, he talks about his work the entire time and the few times I try to talk he talks over me.
What a catch! HahahaEveryone’s been quite quiet! How was your yesterdays? Did anyone get a Valentines day message from the ex (I doubt it..) – neither did I, OF COURSE, despite the fact we’re reopened the lines of communication a bit..
@Belle, I think that’s a great approach you’re adopting here. It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. Although a part of me may still want my ex back, when I really start to think about it, he’s so emotionally challenged, he never expresses anything, and I never get anything in return. I would always be left unfulfilled and frustrated in a relationship with him (and I was a bit, in my previous relationship with him..). There are plenty of fish in the sea, and some of them have to be a better match for my needs! I’m glad you’re also seeing it that way. I think your present experience with D is also a perfect example of this. Years later, when the emotions have passed, you can see him for what he really is and you’re seeing that he’s just not a great match for you. Even if your ex in comparison to D ticks a few more boxes, he still doesn’t tick a few very important ones! The next one just might! So I agree, we shouldn’t settle for something where we can see that happiness just wouldn’t be in the cards for that situation.Unimare,
I guess this is what the time apart does once the emotions start to die down.
I don’t think any of us should settle for second best however I know not all boxes can be ticked but on a fundamental level certain needs have to be met. D sounds like your ex, unable to express or show much emotion. I had a Rollercoaster relationship with him years ago and however much I loved him he couldn’t express himself or touch me the way I needed. My needs weren’t met. He would keep me there because by email and text he would be able to emotionally give me what I needed but soon as in person it was like total opposite.My ex has different issues and what makes me believe at the moment it won’t work is that he’s in denial and I don’t think he will ever address his issues because he’s not in tune with himself. No matter how much I improve myself my ex will always remain where he is, until that time when he is forced to understand his issues. It might take him to get into another relationship or two and be heart broken to see that he’s the cause of the breakdowns.
So, number one box to be checked is emotional independence! Number 2 is to be tactile.
good morning everyone!
@mike2014, i feel the same way sometimes! i was a huge party girl in college and since I’ve been out its just not the same! i have some fun times when i go out but a lot of times my nights just aren’t great. and i actually find going out as single a bit more stressful than it was when i was in a relationship!
@belle, what a nice story you heard at the concert! and I’m glad you enjoyed it. i think its good youre having all these thoughts about your ex. it definitely sounds like you love him very much but the relationship is complicated and not so easy – i think a lot of times this is the case. in your situation, i don’t think the reconciliation will be successful unless your ex is willing to acknowledge and work on his own personal issues. i don’t believe he’s ready to do so yet but maybe after some time and self reflection he will be able to. if he never addresses his issues, i think you will never be completely satisfied. I’m happy youre open to meeting someone else as well. its definitely a lot of food for thought and I’m glad the time apart is making you examine everything. i think it takes two people to cause the end of a relationship and your ex is only blaming you. he will never have a successful relationship with that mindset! i can see why you would think of things as an uphill battle. i think only time will be able to tell if your ex is willing enough to work on his own personal issues. maybe it will take a few failed relationships for him to recognize his own problems.
@unimare, when do you plan on meeting up with your ex? have you been talking now that the lines of communication have opened up?i had a nice day yesterday. went to the movies with my friends and out for a nice dinner and then to a party. at dinner we had a couple of bottles of wine and all ended up in a discussion about my ex. one of my friends said she misses him because he had a habit of sending candy for all my single friends when we were together in college! its funny the same friend said to me last night, “how could you end up with him but how could you not?” and thats genuinely how I’ve felt lately. i felt no desire to reach out to him yesterday. i have no idea whether or not he spent valentines day with this new girl or not, but honestly i feel i have nothing left to say to him. I’ve called, met up, sent emails, texts, etc. and he knows exactly how i feel. i told him i would’ve done anything to try to salvage our relationship but he assured me time and time again this was internal for him and the only thing to help him here was time. so now I’ve reached a point that i truthfully feel like the ball is in his court. and honestly, if he wants to reconcile, i want it to come from him – because h1 100% knows he wants to be with me and is willing to work hard to earn back my trust and make up for how much he hurt me. me reaching out and checking in will accomplish nothing. I’ve been feeling a bit better about things lately mostly because i feel is out of my control and i know i walked away and tried what i could. if he does reach out to me down the line, i will see how i feel.
all my friends last night at dinner agreed that if by the summer he doesnt know what he wants then i should take that as over forever. it should be less about who he meets during this time off and more about if he is ok losing me forever and not having me in his life. if after 8-9 months he’s still unsure and is enjoying dating and doesnt feel sad for not having me, i will take that as we are over forever and provide my own closure. i also think strict nc on my part will make him really consider these things because so far he’s yet to feel real absence from me since I’ve been there for him. tomorrow will be 2 weeks nc and i will absolutely not break it. if i hear from him that he’s dating someone officially or seriously then maybe that will be closure i need, but if not i am still waiting for him to contact me in 2.5 months and we will take it from there. if he wants to work on things it needs to come from him and he knows how to reach me if he has a change of heart. nc is empowering to me because he has no idea what I’m doing. maybe he thinks i had a hot date last night! regardless it doesnt matter. he needs this time away to decide so I’m going to continue to respect his space. but all my friends agree that after the 6 month mark he needs to really consider if he is ok losing me forever and if he is then he isn’t the right one for me. definitely a lot of food for thought. i still miss him terribly and think about him often but i really have reached the point of not needing him anymore. i still WANT him. but i know if i keep up strict nc and continue to focus on me, i will move on and keep feeling better and better. and honestly i believe thats the only point in time he will come back anyway.Atea,
Glad you had a good time at the movies with your friends. Getting out is good for the soul even though it’s sometimes hard work. Staying in wallowing sometimes is all we want to do but I think we all do enough of that anyway!I’m just feeling so much better myself, I’m beginning to see what my ex was really like. I can almost tell what’s going to happen in let’s say 6 months or so, my ex will come back and I won’t want him back!
I’ve no desire to contact him now, I still think of him lots but the fog is lifting and just beginning to see things clearer. With your ex atea he’s not really done anything for you to turn against him or get resentful and I guess that’s harder for you.
I still miss him but I don’t want him back how he was and to be honest he’s a huge emotional nightmare.
I’m hoping in time he will see that he gave up something huge with me because of his own demons. No such luck right now as he’s in denial.belle,
getting out is good even though i really have to push myself. the guy I’ve been seeing has been texting me today and we will go out for dinner tomorrow night. I’m glad youre feeling better! i kind of feel the same about my ex. I’m afraid if he doesnt come back in a few more months, it will be too late. we are already 4.5 months post break up and he seems no closer to having any idea what he wants. i think if he comes back a year from now, it will be too late. he has like another 4-5 months in my book to figure things out. he hasn’t really done anything to make me resentful and i appreciate him being honest and also appreciate him ending things now and not years from now, but i am a little resentful for him walking out on our relationship for “what if” doubts. i can’t blame him for having the feelings he had but it definitely was and is still hurtful how willing he is to give up our relationship possibly forever. its hard for me but if he does come back i want it to be on his own because he has had these other relationships and he realizes I’m the one for him deep down. nothing i do or say will influence his decision. I’m just giving him time and space and trying to let things unfold naturally. i do hope he comes back but i hope its because he wakes up one day and realizes he’s being a huge idiot.your ex is a bit of an emotional nightmare it seems! of course you still miss him but he needs to recognize his own shortcomings for you to ever have a successful future. i hope he’s using this time to self reflect and see how his own issues caused the break up as well. he is still in denial but give him a few months time to evaluate and figure everything out. I’m glad a fog has lifted and youre feeling less tempted to reach out! my temptation is gone as well for some reason.
Atea,
Yea it a whole different situation going on when you are single compared to being in a relationship I agree. Going out when I was with my ex it was just to be with friends to have a fun and chat with them. Now it’s more like trying to go out to maybe find someone. I’m someone who prefers to blend in lol, now I feel sometimes I have to not do that. My friend who is married called me last night to go out and I was like wtf are you calling me to go out on Valentine’s day. Him and his wife have been struggling so she kind of wanted him out last night. He got pretty belligerent like he used to when we were in our younger 20’s. It was an Wkward situation for me because he was hitting on every girl and I’m just not comfortable around that. I did try to spark up a conversation with this one girl, but she just wasn’t really giving anything back so I obviously packed it in, well my friend just tried to swoop in lol and it was weird because this girl wasn’t their to meet someone. I got pretty mad at him because what he was saying to her. I’m just not like that and am reserved so I don’t put myself out their like that. He kept saying what is wrong with you man…she obviously likes you…hahah that was not the case.
Maybe I should try this tarot reading stuff…could be something fun and new for me. I’ll have to check where their is one in my area. Could be interesting.
Phil Collins is pretty solid….feel it in the air lol!! Good you had a nice time Belle. That is an interesting story about those two people. Heck even at my age that still gives me hope!! Maybe it’s a good thing for you moving forward that you are really assessing you previous relationship and the positives and negatives. Even with the negatives time spent with that person will probably always keep him with you and on your mind a bit moving forward, but realizing his negatives will make it easier to move on with the next mr right.
I need to start focusing on the negatives of my ex moving forward or just keep telling myself it was me that blew it so I can completely shed the uneasy feeling of not having her ever again moving forward. I’m too young to give up hope of having a family. I remeber in October the night after I told her I was leaving we met up the next day for lunch and she asked if I needed help picking out stuff at the store to take with me as we were leaving the restaurant. I said sure I was going to run into the store and she said she wanted to come with. She knows I’m horrible with that stuff…we were in a store and a family walked by and I said something like man guess I’m never going to have kids and she said why would you say that…I just changed subject.
As a man I wouldn’t expect my ex to reach out on Valentine’s day. That would be very strange. Also, if i reached out as the person who got broke up with that would be strange too. I have never really cared much for this holiday so I treated yesturday as another Saturday and didn’t think much about it being Valentine’s day. I wonder what she was thinking about yesturday as she as a girl was into the whole Valentine’s day stuff.
Did Aphrodite ever give her appearance. I know Atea and belle and myself did, but I dodnt remember seeing hers? Not that she has to I was just wondering if I missed it?
mike,
i can guarantee you your ex was thinking about you yesterday. i feel like everyone has to think about past loves on that day. i thought about my ex a lot but also felt weird reaching out. i definitely wasn’t surprised that he didn’t and i thought about what i would say but really it would be so awkward. I’m not sure if he took his new girl out last night or not but regardless i would have felt extremely awkward just texting him “happy valentines day!” its such an awkward thing to text your ex.I’m just happy i wasn’t overly emotional yesterday. i think i handled it well. i also still have that uneasy feeling about not being with my ex ever again. every time there is a holiday where i miss him i keep telling myself i will have happy new years eves, valentines days, etc. in the future regardless if they are spent with my ex or someone else who is great. I feel like i had myself convinced in the beginning that he would be back and i need to shift out of this mindset because who knows whether or not he will be. i am starting to realize more and more though that i don’t think this is something that should take him years to figure out. i know you can’t put a time frame on this type of thing but he either wants me in his life and future or he doesnt and spending some months away from me should help him decide.
i want to try a tarot reading too!! I’m not sure who to go to though. maybe i will ask one of my friends to go with me this week. I’m also seeing the new guy tonight so we will see how that goes. I’m starting to feel better overall and can feel myself moving on but still miss my ex as a person and miss having him in my life. i just hope soon i can get some type of closure. if he tells me he really likes this new girl maybe thats what i will need to hear. the unknown of it all is what drives me crazy! but I’m happy I’m back to eating, sleeping normally, etc. and can be happy doing other things and with my friends and can focus on school. my friends all said i was way less emotional yesterday than they thought i would be so this is a step in the right direction! I’m just trying to view this break up as a positive in my life – either i will move on, get stronger, learn a lot and go on to meet someone else amazing or i will become more independent and happy and my ex will return with no doubts and be very committed to making our relationship work. its hard to see the positives that will come right now when it still feels so up in the air, but I’m trying!
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