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Yes Aphrodite, I bet he didn’t expect me to say that about his phone number. He’s been threatening to change it so I threw the ball right back at time!! Haha. To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit if he changed his number. He’s in denial, running away from everything and blaming me. What I’ve been through already has been hell and really not having his number isn’t going to change anything. If it makes him feel like a man to change it then he’s welcome to it. It means I can delete him his number and as I said, it’s another positive step forward for me to move on.
It probably irritated him with what I said!
@aphrodite, go to bali!! i think going on vacation and a change of scenery would be really helpful to dealing with this process. I’m trying to plan a trip to europe over the summer with a friend! it would be a great thing to look forward to. we are just researching different cities and prices now. i agree with belle, you should let your ex know exactly how you feel. let it all out. at a certain point you will have nothing left to say (thats how i am right now)! we just have to let the time pass and feel these emotions. my ex has way more distractions too and maybe that makes it easier, but you can only be distracted for so long before you have to face your own thoughts. we are going through it now and when our time is over, we will move on and be happy. my friends also have experienced me bawling my eyes out saying he’s the love of my life and i never want to let go to me saying the most spiteful things about how much i hate him and don’t forgive him for what he’s done. thats whats great about my friends – they agree with me whichever mood I’m in! i do have to be careful who i confide in though. some are sick of hearing about it and others are always happy to talk. I’ve always been one to verbalize my feelings. people tell me i have no filter! so i can’t say any of my friends are surprised. plus my ex and i used to talk on the phone like 10 times a day so now i make a lot of other phone calls to the girls and they are always happy to hear from me. i also agree with what your friend said – if he’s so happy why does he keep telling you!? hang in there, i know these days are emotional for you but in time we will all have more clarity on our situations (at least i hope)!
@belle, thanks for the book recommendation. it will be a nice break from studying for my midterm exams! youre so right in that we need to allow this time to pass and just get through it. is encouraging you went through a bad break up with D and came out the other end and met someone else. I’m going to give this new guy a shot – you never know what could happen!im sure it did irritate him to hear him say you wouldn’t mind if he changed his number and thats a good thing. i want to confuse my ex – i hope he reaches out so i can just flat out ignore. the problem with us 3 is we’re all open books – we tell our exes the honest truth about how we feel always and maybe thats not such a good thing! your ex needs to confront his own issues as well and own up to his place in the relationship ending. it takes two to end a relationship and two to save it!also something my therapist said to me earlier – “its not so much about moving on but getting on with things and the rest will fall into place”. we don’t need to force ourselves to “move on” from our exes but we do need to continue to live our lives going forward!
Atea,
You said she might not know I’m still interested. I don’t know about that. I know I havnt asked her anything about the relationship in a long time, but I’m always there for her and very cordial when we talk. I think her knowing me so well she would know I just wouldn’t be so open with her or respond to her at all if I didn’t want to try again. Other than one text, I have been supportive and very nice to her this whole time. I think honestly iv been too nice almost considering she ended things. It’s just hard being not nice to someone who has been so nice back I guess. I still don’t want to ever hurt her feeling, I know that’s a weird thing to say. She even said a few times she’s surprised I reached out becAuse she remembers me saying that if we ever broke up that would be it and there would be no chance to get back together. I just said that was along time ago before we spent 8 years together. She remembers everything always. I havnt done anything special for her since her birthday at the end of summer except maybe paying for dinner. I did for a second when talking to her the past few days kick around the idea of having her favorite flowers being sent to her work for Valentine’s Day. It just would be really strange and awkward. I think it would be a horrible idea to do that now. It’s been too long to do something like that. Right gals??
Hope you all had a good night sleep!
Aphrodite,
Hope you have been feeling better. It’s really tough I understand. I think belle is right. This is your chance to really tell him everything. If you have that thought also it’s best to do it. He has responded to you lately. I hope you make the best decision for yourself with whatever path you choose.
I can’t help but think of my letter I gave her in October. It has been on my mind tonight. She didn’t mention it at all again. Is it really possible she didn’t read it still? I feel like even though I didn’t say anything mean in it, I feel she wouldn’t be acting the way she is to me. I did say in it how I understand her decision based on my actions and that she needed space and that at this time she doesn’t want me to be a part of her life and I have to accept that. Ehhh women lol!!!
@Aphrodite I think what you said here makes a whole lot of sense: “It made me think about time, and how our sense of time is determined by occurring events. Perhaps the busier and more things we experience, the more sense we will get that a lot of time has passed, and the more we would be able to distance ourselves from everything.”
This is so true!! And this is why simply spending our days wallowing in self pity, doesn’t really help us in moving forward. And this is why our exes seem so cold and aloof to us. It just isn’t as natural to them (for whatever reason) to ruminate on their emotions as much as it is for us girls. They take action, keep busy, they’re months or even YEARS ahead of us in the moving forward process which is why it’s often so frustrating to talk to them. On the other hand, it would be much more frustrating to have a female ex, because they let emotions affect them, and can be very hot and cold and sending mixed signals throughout this whole process.Also, I’m really happy your ex has been responding to your e-mails. I’ve come to find that it’s quite impossible to get perfect “closure” actually, there’s always something else that comes up while we’re over analysing the past. But try to get as much out of the way as possible. So if there’s anything that needs addressing still, ask him. But be prepared to not feel 100% lighter afterwards. Maybe 95%, but somehow there will always be some loose ends.
For example, although I’ve felt like I really don’t have anything else to say to my ex, I’ve started to think back to some events and in particular this one time when we were at a party together, but had a fight and I left and I didn’t see him or talk to him until morning and I was really upset that he had let me go off alone and stayed to party himself, and then he showed up in the morning with flowers and was sorry. So I forgave him and didn’t think much of it, but somehow NOW I feel like that was so uncharacteristic of him to accept fault so easily and make a nice gesture like that, I’m almost convinced he cheated on me and felt guilty (at least kissed another girl if not more). And I have half a mind to ask him about it. NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, but this is what our emotional brains are making us do! It’s crazy.
Oh, and I do agree that it must have been unpleasant to hear him say he’s happier now than he was in the relationship. But then, it almost doesn’t sound sincere. It’s like he’s trying to convince himself. If he were really that happy, he would feel too guilty about saying that to you, who still appears to be suffering over this. So it could just be another tactic for trying to convince you that you’re better off and to move on.
@atea1234 I really envy you for having so many nice friends to hang out with and that you’re dating! I so wish I had someone to go out with to make me feel a bit more alive. I’ve gone on one date since my break-up (I’m not counting the brief rebound fling which didn’t involve any dating), and it was nice, but I felt quite out of my comfort zone, I’ve never been very good at opening up to strangers so quickly, and we haven’t seen each other since – he lives in another town. I actually feel a little rejected that he hasn’t asked me out again.. I really need some positive attention to make me feel good about myself again..I’ve actually agreed to get that cup of coffee with my ex next week, but I have no idea what to say to him or how to be around him. I bet he will want to be casual and talk about everything other than the breakup, but I just don’t know if I want to fake it. I mean, I want to leave the impression that I’m doing well and am optimistic, but I’m not sure I want to leave the impression that I’m optimistic towards him. I’m still feeling angry and cold towards him. And I’ve basically accepted that he’s out of my life anyway, maybe I should just let him prove to me he’s willing to put effort into keeping me in his life? I doubt he’d be very committed to that, so it would be easier for me to move on if I witness his lack of motivation? I’m just not sure. I’ll have to figure it out soon, though!
Also, I’ve been looking into improving myself with some mindfulness techniques (in case anyone is interested: http://www.livingwell.org.au/mindfulness-exercises-3/), but I have to be in the right mindset, because they use recordings with a person reaaaally slowly telling you things and I get super impatient 😛 Anyway, it’s about learning to stay in the present and not doing your daily activities on autopilot while you’re kind of sucked into some emotional state, so it sounds like really an important thing to improve on and something I normally have a problem with.
And @mike2014 – I think you should ask your ex if she’s read the letter!! Especially if you’re on good terms at the moment. Did the letter have any questions for her? You could tell her you’d like her input or something.
@mike2014, i think all of us would love to receive flowers from our exes! but i think in your case before you send anything you should really have the conversation with her about how you feel and tell her what you wrote in here the other night. i would ask her to meet up and see if she’s read your letter and then feel her out from there and bring up reconciling. if she wants to reconcile, then you will have plenty of opportunities to send flowers in the future!
@unimare, i agree with you completely about never getting perfect closure. I’ve asked my ex every time we spoke to please give me some kind of closure and he always tells me he can’t because he would be lying if he said he never saw us getting back together but if i need to close the door he would understand but i need to do it myself. when i called him last week after finding out he was seeing someone, i told him i refused to be his back up option and needed to close the door and his response was “every relationship is different. lots of people break up and get back together”. its impossible to get it from our exes i think so when were ready i just think we need to somehow get it ourselves. i hope coffee with your ex goes well! i was way too nervous/emotional when i met my ex for coffee in december but you’ve definitely moved on a bit more than i have! just be confident, look good, and talk about happy things! have you and your ex been talking? also thanks for the video about mindfulness – a friend of mine recently told me i should look into that more!Well, been and seen the tarot lady. Now everything is clear as mud! Lol
I’m also sneezing a lot as she had a cat and I’m allergic! Still, before I said anything she picked up on this trust thing going on. It was like the first thing she said and I hadn’t even told her I was coming for relationship advice. So that was a good start.
The reading gives no clear cut answers and she apologised for that but anyway I move my ex will be there in my life until I decide I don’t want him there anymore. She said in all my cards she can see him. She dealt cards for every question and I asked what’s in store if I cut him off today and she said, nope he’s still going to be there. If I don’t cut him off and give him time he will contact me but it’s never going to be an easy relationship and that’s something I need to decide on because I could be here in another 10 yrs time. She said he needs therapy and sort out all these issues he has otherwise he will carry this on into his next relationship and the next after that.
She even picked up on his dominating mother!
I know all this has to be taken with a punch of salt and it’s whether you’re open to some belief or not and I know that the majority are non believers but she said we were connected in a previous life that’s why the pull is so strong between us and no matter what each other do to try move on we will not just yet as there is still some time to go for us.
So she said he has some big issues going on that he needs to address and it’s whether I want to spend my time with that as it will keep re occurring until everything is addressed. It’s my choice if I think it’s worth it.
She also told me that I will never be alone, she said the energy coming from me and the sensitivity will always attract people, along with being very comfortable person to be around. So that was comforting.So, if I try to move on I will not be able to all this year.
She told me to go and have fun in the mean time.Obviously lots more said as I was there an hour but that’s the gist of it.
I’ve come away very relaxed I must say. Good form of therapy
So, I think hearing that, whether it’s all rubbish or not I just feel it all made sense and kind of knew it anyway so it reinforces it all.
I can now kick back, relax and wait for the phone to ring! Lol@belle,
Im glad you had a good reading and it made you relax! I do believe in that stuff usually and for right now anything that makes us feel happy and relaxed is a positive! I hope she’s right and your ex continues to be in your life. I think once he can acknowledge his personal issues your relationship will be better overall but of course you can’t mention that to him now!It’s interesting what you’ve said about how she said the relationship won’t be easy and you need to decide if that’s worth it to you. It’s funny a friend of mine said that to me yesteday. She said you’re so young and you have the chance to start over with someone with a clean slate with no drama and past problems and just go from there. But I think I would choose my ex and all the drama that comes with it! Every relationship is different and there’s no one perfect path to take in them so we have to make sacrifices and decide if it’s worth the pain! I think when you love someone enough it is.
Atea
It’s def food for thought. All afternoon I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know it’s common sense but if I reflect my time with my ex it’s been a roller coaster of a ride. It was always a case of being with someone who could pull the rug from beneath me at any time because of his issues.
If my ex does come back the crunch will be whether he acknowledges his issues and gets him self sorted out. If he does t then obviously I would be wasting my time by spending my time with him.
He’s in no mind to be open to anything that he could be at fault with, as you know he’s blaming me for everything. Until much time has passed only then will he be open to maybe look at his actions.
We are talking way off though maybe 6 months time, maybe never. If it’s never then obviously I will move on but I guess so much time will have passed it maybe a natural process.How did your date go by the way?
Belle, it’s definitely something to think about. My ex and I also haven’t always had the smoothest road. I think a lot of that was due to long distance and just immaturity and lack of experience. I don’t think we would always have the easiest road together especially if we reconcile after this break up but if we were both equally committed to making it work we could definitely thrive. I think if he came back after this he would feel much more sure of himself and committed so that would be good. But like your ex, I think he needs a lot of time away. It’s crazy its already been 4.5 months!
The date went well. He’s out of town this weekend but he’s asked to see me again on Monday. I think he is definitely getting invested. He’s a great guy but im viewing it as more of a distraction than anything. The connection is nothing like I have with my ex and im still linen fing for him to return and just trying to pass the time in the meantime. Also I should date others as well to confirm. I feel badly becausr I think this guy is definitely developing feelings. But I have been honest about going through a break up and not being ready and wanting to take things slow so as long as I’m honest I think it’s ok.Atea, that’s great the date went well and there is nothing wrong in spending time in the company of someone you find interesting. Don’t feel bad as it’s early days and you’ve not led him on in anyway and have been upfront.
D is irritating me. He was texting yesterday provocative questions, wasn’t really in a nice way and I didn’t warm to it. I can be over sensitive so I just told him I’m off to sleep. I’ve not heard from him today and he’s not suggested to meet for a while. Luckily I’ve arranged an evening out with a friend of mine to see a band as she didn’t want to stay in on V day!!
Bring on Sunday when it will all be over!I know, I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over mostly because I can’t handle the thought of my ex taking this new girl out for Valentine’s day. Last year the two of us took an amazing trip Valentine’s Day this weekend and had a great dinner and he bought me jewelry, flowers, etc. He even cooked me dinner and lit candles! It’s crazy how much has changed in one year.
It’s crazy D is annoying you now after how long you pined after him! Gives me hope that if my ex isn’t back within the next few months I really could be over him. He doesn’t have all the time in the world! The new guy im seeing annoys me a bit as well. The attention is nice but he’s not my ex so sometimes I find it irritating when he texts me. I usually enjoy being alone and wallowing by myself!
Thanks for the input atea. Yea flowers at this time is a bad idea. It would be strange for her and the few times I sent them she said she cried and her boss was really confused about her emotional state. I need to remember that even if she is nice to me we are not together and flowers are not a good idea anymore.
It’s good your night went well. It had to be nice to just go out and enjoy it. It sounds like he’s starting to get a bit serious. What’s your plan of attack with that? Maybe after a few more dates you might be willing to see even more where it goes if he asks you to go “out”?
Unimare,
Meeting up for coffee is a good idea. See what he has to say and feel him out. It’s so hard to do that over the phone or text. For me seeing her or talking is confusing. It’s awful. About the letter: I gave it to her before I left for two months in October. I saw her around Christmas and asked her if she read it. She responded no she hasn’t because it’s still too emotional, but keeps it by her bed and looks at it often. So who really knows. At the end I did say in it I would like feedback or if you have anything to say I would like a response.
I really did plan on having the talk ASAP with her ATEA, but that all changed with her new “I have big news too” comment. I almost threw up in my mouth with that text the first night we talked. I said well what is this big news. She said I’m in the process of buying a house!! I asked if she was gonna live solo and she yep most definitely. Then I just said about if you need help let me know and she said …I will, thanks for offering I appreciate it!! I’m trying to show her I’m supportive now because that was a problem at the end.
I really don’t know how she’s going to afford a house and bills associated with sed house, but it’s not my concern. I just feel now it’s a horrible time to hit her with the talk.
I should have said to her so when you get the house when do you want me to move my stuff in lol.
Mike, wow that is big news!! When does she move into her house? Do you have any idea when you will try to have the talk with her? Seems like she has a lot on her plate now.
Im honestly really not sure what will happen with this guy. He’s a couple years older than me and I think he would definitely be interested in something serious and he has been pursuing but I don’t want to rush. I know it takes time and it’s not fair to compare
Him to my 7 year relationship so I have no plan of action. I enjoy his company so far but if he asks to make it official or anything im not sure im ready for that or want that with someone else right now. I also think my ex seeing someone else has really pushed me into this and that’s not the healthiest way to go about it. I just want to take things very slowly and see where they go. He knows im fresh out of a 7 year relationship so I don’t think he would expect me to want to seriously commit anytime soon but I really have no idea. Plus I heard my ex is getting legit with this girl and so I need to really push myself to not wait around for him. If he ends up really dating her, even if he does come back to me it will be in a very long time. For now it’s just a nice distraction and I guess we will see as time goes on. Also still kind of waiting to check in with my ex when he said around end of April. I asked him to tell me if he gets to the point of this other girl being his “girlfriend” and he hasn’t reached out to say that yet so im really not sure what will happen
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