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One thing I find I have learned through all this while hearing some of your stories and what my friends tell me is that my ex might be in for a rude awakening one day. I feel we did have a pretty good relationship. We would bicker a bit, but overall I but my tongue always when it came to getting into an argument. I was sympathetic toward her feelings always. I feel I did treat her well. My friends say how often they fight with their wives and act like it’s normal. They think I was weird when I say we never said we hated each other in the moment or didn’t throw stuff at other and really fight. Is that really normal in relationships?
I know I’m not prepared for that moving forward. I don’t think my ex is either as she is pretty Sensitive in general.
She did say she think she is naive to how guys really are. I think she is correct after seeing my guy friends interact with girlfriends and wives. I went to dinner with my friend and wife Tuesday and they literally bickered the whole time. I asked him yesterday if that’s normal and he said that’s how relationships really are. I couldn’t believe how the wife handled everything.
Area,
No, we’ve never broken up like this before. A few years ago we split for about 2/3 weeks, but NC lasted 2 days before he came round again! Haha.I know how we all experience things differently and I guess with his trust issues he just couldn’t handle the thought of him being away, us having problems, his trust issues and me darting on date sites as soon as there was a blip in our relationship. What one person can handle easily, the other can’t and unfortunate he’s the latter.
Yes he will learn a valuable lesson and I hope one day he will understand what I did and didn’t do in the relationship and I hope he regrets the way he’s been.
After everything we had together, his knee jerk reaction threw away everything rather than acting like an adult and addressing the issue.
We were great together and even he said he will never find another person that clicked so well with me.His job was an issue, he would come back from a month away and we would have 4 weeks of fun together. But that was it, fun. Because we did the time apart we never wanted to waste time sorting issues and problems out. It was like let’s stick another band aid on the crack and go for another lunch or out for drinks, having a good time but underneath the crack was there. A waiting time bomb.
Because a lack of communication, his negative speech towards me eg, telling me I was wrong when I had an opinion. We could never really be 100% honest towards each other. It was like walking on egg shells.
It’s all rubbish really because we actually loved each other to the end. We had a amazing holiday to Bali in August. It’s a build up of niggles that caused all this but what so devestating is that it was all resolvable. Well, in my eyes it was. Maybe he’s just fallen out of love with me and had enough. It happens!
Mike
What I’ve learnt out of this is tolerance levels are so personal. A couple might fight like cat and dog but afterwards be happy as ever while look at my ex! One small hic up and that’s it, just a cloud of dust remains! Lol
We all see things differently so what suits one doesn’t another.
I know a couple who fight now and then big time, but the rest of the time they are so close and so incredibly happy.
@atea1234
I donāt think closure will be nice for me, It would only hurt knowing closure is what it is. I know a lot of people marry, divorce and re-marry, but with my ex Iām thinking this is done for good:( We spent too many miserable years towards the end and as painful as it is to say, I completely get that heās happier without me. I come with a lot of baggage and perhaps I should only be happy he lasted as long as he did. He was really brought to the point of exhaustion by our arguments and the stress, and I donāt see how anyone would find that appealing to go back to.Iām crying now:(
Yes, I do have to keep moving forwards and hope that one day these wounds will be healed. I think his willingness to communicate stemmed from nostalgia and wanting closure himself, especially for the guilt he himself felt for how he acted towards me.
I completely understand how you feel. Even if there was a minuscule chance (which I donāt think there is) of getting back with my ex, it would also feel tarnished if I knew he had slept with someone else, It would never be the same – so I definitely feel your sadness over that!
Itās not a bad thing that your ex is seeing someone else, as that is what he set out to do. Regardless of that, I completely feel you, I would be very upset too, and all in all Iām just so impressed with how capable you are and how you are handling it all so well!
It canāt be easy not knowing what the future holds, and having been given reason to hold onto hope. You do need to let go a little, but naturally, little by little, you will. We are all highly adaptive human beings, so staying in NC will make you adapt and you will find ways to be happy without him for now!!Thank you for the wine, chocolate and hunky men, though iāll pass on the weed! Taking in the hugs!!
Sure thing, the small amounts of hope do just send crushing tidal waves of rejection.The truth is ā I am still hopeful, and I realise this tidal wave can come in tenfold if I hold onto this hope too much, thatās why Iām here being all doom and gloomy. As if Iām typing to you ladies wanting to convince myself that heās not going to reply to my text, he might not even email me, Iāve read into things too much and he is done for goood.
It is all so exhausting and my stress has reached a whole new level.Itās true we have all learnt a lot, which will be handy for our next relationships. Iām aware Iām being a bit negative here, but I just cannot see myself happy with someone else ever. I know that may change though, but the journey to that will be long.
Yes it was far fetched him writing that in the email, and then feeling the need to tell me on the phone as well. Part of me wants to tell him how much that upset me, but I donāt know if itās worth it.
I do believe him, that people are commenting on how happy he seems, and I do believe that he is happier now, and that he was very very miserable towards the end. It feels so incredibly unfair for him to be this happy now, when Iām at the point of almost wishing myself dead. There is no doubt that I placed way too many eggs in one basket, and now heās taken the basket leaving me with hardly any eggs left.I so wish that youāre right, that itās a happy front, but I donāt believe it:( If he is struggling and misses me lots, he would have responded to my text, at least thatās my take on it. I feel as though the lack or text response is almost like a slap in the face saying everything that gave me hope on the phone was just in the moment and not lasting.
I apologise for being quite gloomy today, but Iām just so upset. Meanwhile, heās off at a party tonight having a great time. I know it sounds dramatic but I feel as though he has chainsawed my heart into pieces.I definitely need some sleep, some exercise tomorrow morning, and to see some friends this weekend. Iāve been good with getting a few things done as Iāve been thinking that whilst in a valley I should prepare for a peak. Belle I canāt thank you enough for recommending that book!
Iām excited about your situation for you, and it seems like things are going well so far!
Thank you, I donāt think they see a change in him because theyāre seeing him more though, as he said that even random people have been coming up to him telling him he looks so happy.
Honestly, itās so painful to know. I almost donāt know what to do with myself.This is turning into a bit of an emotional crisisā¦ Dear god please let him text me a response tonight.
@mike2014, i feel the same about my ex. we did fight more often it sounds like than you and your ex did, but they were mostly silly, stupid arguments that we would end up laughing about after. looking back, i always treated him amazingly well. i know i am far from perfect and have my own issues to work on but i was really an incredible girlfriend to him. i never took him for granted, communicated well, was always honest and loyal, we always had fun together, and i was very understanding of his need for space/guy time or whatever. i had a wonderful relationship with his family and really loved him more than anything in the world. i never would’ve given up on our relationship ever – even now i still feel such a loyalty to him. maybe this new girl is new and exciting for him but i can say when he does reflect on our relationship, he has to see how wonderful i was to him, always – even when he wasn’t deserving! i think our relationship overall had issues we could’ve worked on but at the end of the day i have no regrets for how i treated him as a girlfriend and i think the bar is set high for the next girl he dates.
@belle, i hear what youre saying about the bandaid. i felt like that with my ex sometimes. we were also long distance for a while so things that would build up when we were away, we would forget about and just enjoy our time together. i think the truth is that all relationships will inevitably have problems and its just how you handle them and whether or not you love someone enough to want to stick around to fix them. it seems like your ex quit and walked away too easily as these were all issues that could be fixed. i do think when the anger subsides, there is still a chance for you. stay strong and confident and i think its wonderful that you’ve realized your abandonment issues and youre working through them.
@aphrodite, first of all, big hugs!! my heart really goes out to you. my ex and i had similar conversations to what youre having now in early december and my heart was shattered all over again. he looked me in the eye, in person, and said “I’m really happier on my own right now”. at that point i don’t think i had had one good, happy day since the breakup! he got a little emotional too but he overall seemed happy with his decision and content to begin the next chapter of his life without me. its really painful. just be good to yourself and treat yourself. these times will be hard but you will get through them. after i saw my ex that day in december, my 5 best girl friends all came over with wine and popcorn and obsessed over and analyzed the conversation with me and even helped me crack a few smiles and laughs through their own stories and takes on the situation. i hope you have a good group of girl friends in the area because its truthfully been the only way I’ve gotten through this. i had one friend on the phone with me till 3am last night and all of them have planned a valentines day filled with shopping, movies, and a girls night for me. one thing i will say that came out of this is the realization of how amazing my friends are and whichever relationship i next find myself in, i will never put a guy before them. lean on your friends for support during this time. they have laughed with me, cried with me, stayed with me and I’m always overwhelmed by how much better talking to one of them can make me feel. love will find us again when we least expect it so for now we need to focus on what we do have – our support systems! try to have a good routine – eat a smoothie, get to the gym, and get some rest. i don’t think you need to give up all hope right now, but just try to focus on pulling yourself out of this dark hole and doing some things to stay busy. i know its much easier said than done, but just try. as for my ex sleeping with someone else, to be honest thats not even what bothers me so much. my group of friends is known to be a bit wild and slutty and many of them have had sex with more than 10 guys and it means nothing. i am so much more hurt about him developing feelings, taking her on dates and out with friends, etc. it makes me sad to know he’s exclusively committed to her. sex is what it is – just sex, it is only meaningful when there are feelings involved which seems to be the case with my ex now and thats what I’m not sure i will be able to get over. but he did tell me he needed to see if he could feel strongly about another girl so i guess he will be comparing. i knew he would be doing it but it doesnt make it hurt any less. its a delicate act since i believe i do still have some reason to hope for a future reconciliation but holding onto it isn’t doing any good right now. i need to focus on putting the hope away in that box and being in the present moment and only taking it out when I’m desperate. i agree its unfair for our exes to be so happy when were so miserable, but we will find happiness again. we will emerge stronger from this eventually and never settle for less than we deserve again. hang in thereBelle,
That’s a very good point. Everyone is different in certain situations. I just know I’m not capable of being in a relationship that has crazy fights or bickers always. I don’t like to get upset after having a temper when I was younger. I know I would just shut down and distance myself from that person. I feel now like arguments are a waiste of time. If we have a problem it needs to be discussed but I don’t deal with someone yelling at me or raising their voice. If just laugh turn my back and walk away. I have to deal with tat crap at work and wouldn’t want to deal with in my personal life.
Thanks for the words of encouragement gals. I should probably feel optimistic but honestly I don’t. I say that because this has been the same behavior since the biggining from her. Always happy to hear from, share personal stuff, ask me questions to catch up. Then wrap up the few days with it was a great talk and happy we got to catch up. I can’t read into exclamation points and her seeming happy. I just can’t. This difference was we ddnt talk face to face so I didn’t see her emotional state.
I just don’t know what it really is that is keeping her from trying again honestly. When I asked the questions early after the break up she didn’t really give me anything significant esp after being together for so long.
mike,
i don’t know what is keeping your ex from wanting to try again either. you’ve resolved all the issues you were having on your end and she clearly still values you and hasn’t moved on from the conversations youre having. I’m not sure why she would want to throw it away either. she honestly might not know youre still interested. eventually when youre ready, you will have to lay it all on the table and see how she feels.
im so confused the more i think about the end of my relationship with my ex. last year and over the summer we took so many trips together, spent so much time just the two of us and we always had so much fun together. we were always laughing and doing something great. there were no real fights and we were both so happy. nothing changed at the end and I’m just so confused replaying everything why he wanted to walk away. we had a really great relationship and I’m just confused about what it is he thought was missing or what he’s looking for. the more i think about it, the more i really think we had such a special relationship thats rare to find. some morning i wake up just so confused and in denial that he CHOSE this. like for what? for a chance of also maybe having something with someone else? its all very frustrating and confusing to me. i even could’ve understood if he maybe just wanted some time to be single to have a break from such a commitment, but now he wants to date someone else? I’m having a hard time coming to terms with everythingAphrodite,
Hang on in there. On a positive note, you’re in a hell hole and there is only one way to go. Your a fighter with too much life inside you to let this drag you down for too long. You will rise above this and you will get over this blip in your life because eventually you will look back and that’s how you will see it.If your ex doesn’t come back you will meet such a wonderful person you will wonder why you wasted so much time on the ex. The problem with the here and now is that we can’t see into the future because we are stuck here, today, right now. Let’s say the man of your dreams walked into your life tomorrow and swept you off your feet, I think the old Aphrodite would suddenly have a spring in her step! The fact is that could indeed happen. Far fetched today because we can’t see in the future. We are scared of the future because we are creatures of comfort. We like the known. Look how people are like sheep, joining queues, following the person in front, too,scared to take that leap of faith and go against what everyone else is doing. It’s a safety mechanisium. However horrible our ex’s have been we still want them and we still can’t see ourselves with anyone different. It’s a mind over matter thing.
D broke my heart into a thousand pieces even though I also knew it wasnt working. For 2 years I pined. I never thought I would find anyone else. I dated reluctantanly then met my ex. He was OK I suppose, nice to go,out with, he showered me with affection and before long I was hooked. I looked back at D and thought what was it that I couldn’t let go! Those 2 years of unhappiness pining for him was a waste of time. Was all in the mind.
You will not be in this hell hole forever trust me.
Well I reached out to my ex again and got a positive result! As in communication, not much more. I emailed him which led to an exchange of emails in which he didn’t have to respond at all.
I shan’t bore you will the ins and outs but basically he still bitter as hell.
He did actually ask me questions like why didn’t I think of my son when he was asking for me back and why did I lay him to blame with everything when it wasn’t him that was texting an ex and asking him to leave my house.
So I thought this positive that he asked such questions.I responded with my newly embraced person of acknowledging my faults and reasoning why I did the things I did.
In answer to my response he can’t acknowledge what I say but rather find something else to pick on, this time it was his earnings and how he’s got nothing now.
I’ve noticed that each and every time I give answer to anything he will find something else to find fault.
If it’s not his savings or lack of it will be date site, if not date sites, the parking issue or being told to leave my house or responding to an ex or his lack of contact with his kids or how he’s got nothing now… The list is endless.
It’s like he’s taking the whole cause of having no responsibility himself.
He’s not indifferent and still bitter as hell!
I actually finding it a little bit funny now because it’s so over the top and putting the whole blame on me for everything!
I mean, I didn’t have access to his bank account so it wasn’t me that couldn’t budget! His kids…. Did I ever say to him I don’t want you to see your kids! No!
This guy can’t take responsibility for his own actions and just wants to throw the whole blame on to me.He said he wants to change his phone number so I told him that I would embrace that decision as it would help me move on with my life. No doubt that probably irritated him too. But if he did change number it wouldn’t be nice but it would really help me move on!
You know, I’ve got issues which I’m addressing but his issues are on like another scale!
@belle,
Im happy you got a positive response! I really have to admire your persistence with your ex and not taking no for an answer. I guess sometimes Nc isn’t the best solution and sometimes communication is key. There’s no formula to getting someone back! I think for now Nc is my best option but maybe not for you. I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. Im feeling hopeless today and I just keep telling myself whatever is meant to be will be and everything happens for a reason. It’s hard to stay hopeful that I’ll find happiness again with or without my ex. Feeling down todayWell positive that he responded and asked questions but it doesn’t really mean much. He may never get over his resentment issues towards me but at least he’s communicating.
Hopefully if I contact now and then and I continue with personal growth he will respond to this. Sadly he has a mountain to climb in himselfTry not to feel too sad today. You have a date! It’s more than what I have. š
Aphrodite, I’m glad you found the peaks and valleys book helpful. It’s a treasure isn’t it!
@belle, what is the book called again? I should read it! I hope your ex comes around and it is good he’s being responsive. Honestly none of it matters right now – they could be nice, mean, responsive, not responsive. None of us know if we will reconcile some months from now or not. Time will tell everything – im not sure whether Nc makes a difference or not.
I need to get a more positive attitude attitude before my date tonight. He’s a great guy who deserves a chance and I need to snap out of this and enjoy myself. Sometimes I just prefer to be home alone and wallow alone in my misery. Not the best for moving on but its hard to push myself. My appetite has been so shot the past few weeks and im already ao underweight. I just want all of this to pass
@atea1234
Thank you for the hugs!
It must have hurt you so much having him say that to you, looking you in the eye. It really is a soul-crushing thing to hear. I just feel so lost from it, and not getting that text response.
It sounds like you really have some amazing girl friends! Iām not great at reaching out to my friends. I think they get quite confused as some days I miss him terribly, but other days Iām so upset or angry with how he treated me and they donāt want me going back to him. Unlike you, I donāt always find that I feel better from talking to them, and I worry theyāre quite sick of hearing about my relationship haha! You are definitely really lucky to have friends like that, who will plan a valentines day for you! Also I agree, an ex developing feelings can be more scary than them sleeping with someone.
Itās so hard to pull myself from this dark hole. I fell asleep after my last post and woke up now, I canāt even sleep from it! I hope you feel better soon atea, you’re remarkably strong and capable! I really admire you and Belle both!A good friend of mine just said āyes heās so happy and to prove that heās so deliriously happy he needs to rub it in your face. because thatās what happy people doā haha. I really hope she has a point?
Thank you so much, that was a great response and youāre so right about everything. I do hope there is only one way to go from here. Bless you for saying Iām a fighter with too much life inside me to let this drag me down for too long. I donāt know if I am, but Iāll try to be.
I so hope I can look back at this as a blip.
Youāre right, we are stuck here today in the right now, and cannot see the future. If we did we might not be so worried. I guess thatās why we go to psychics and do tarot card readings!
We truly are creatures of comfort, and I guess weāre all worried our sense of comfort is gone for good, that we wonāt find the same sense of comfort and happiness with someone else.Well your example of how you met ex, not really thinking that much of him at the time, shows us how we should give people a chance. Thatās how I met my ex too, I didnāt think that much of him in the beginning, but over time I fell deeply.
Still no text. Iām resisting the urge to reach out, and feeling a bit nuts over this. Feeling desperate for some reassurance that heās thinking about me, wanting some hope to grasp onto.
He has a busy life where heās needed and praised at work so we are in two very different life situations, he can easily be distracted. Iām here at home with a lot of drama in my personal life, not yet having found my path in life. Iām considering going to Bali with a friend in a few weeks. I donāt really have the funds for it, but perhaps itās something I need to do and should spend some savings on. My life is all tangles right now and Iāve got to de-tangle it and create something great though Iām at a loss as for how I can do that. My heart is really bleeding tonight.
Do you think I should tell him how what he said upset me? Should I tell him what Iām going through? My mind says no but again Iām feeling desperate.I thought about how I would like to be sedated and wake up a few months from now, but then how that wouldnāt make a difference because I would still be feeling like this was all yesterday as we wouldnāt have any perception of events having happened in between then and now. It made me think about time, and how our sense of time is determined by occurring events. Perhaps the busier and more things we experience, the more sense we will get that a lot of time has passed, and the more we would be able to distance ourselves from everything. I think thatās how my ex feels as he has been busier. Perhaps I need a bit of a more eventful life.
Sorry for ranting away guys but this is just so difficult and I donāt know where to turn.@Belle Iām happy you got a positive result, that heās responsive towards you. He probably has a lot that he needs to get out of his system, so perhaps you should allow him to do just that. Iām imagining he had a lot of bottled up feelings that he didnāt tell you about in fear of loosing you, but now that he has he feels he can bring it up. It seems like heās a lot more of a sensitive person than perhaps previously though. I hope that in his own time he will realise that he himself is responsible for what happens in his life.
I love how you told him you would embrace the decision of changing his phone number. I can understand how sad this would make you, but itās brilliant that you have the fight in you to say that! Youāre showing your worth and I think thatās fantastic – he will pick up on that. Wish I had a bit of that!
Aphrodite, now would be a good time to contact him about anything you feel you need to. Get it out your system, but I guess it’s not that easy! Wish it could be a case of getting out of the system and moving on.
We need to understand that we are going through the fall out of a break up and however much we don’t want to think of them we want to be over them the fact is that only until time has passed will we be able to start to live a bit more normally. We have to go through this process like it or not!
I too don’t like to involve friends too much, I need to work through my thoughts before unleashing it on to my victim! Lol.
I think with my therapist, the few friends that I feel I can talk too and you guys I’ve got enough to rant on pretty much all the time.Go to Bali Aphrodite! Have you been before? It’s such a healing place. I would go tomorrow if I could but on the other hand both times I’ve been have been with my ex so I guess it’s a no go zone for me for many years!
Atea,
The book is called Peaks and Valleys by Spencer Johnson. It’s my little bible š
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