NC support

[atea1234]

Belle,
Good for you about the facial! It’s important to treat ourselves right now!! 2 months does seem like a long time but im actually starting to see I think maybe the more time that passes, the better. It’s so hard not being able to talk to our exes about all the mindless stuff we used to but we will be stronger because of it! Im going to see this guy for now. My ex is seeing someone and has encouraged me to date as well. Even though I didn’t want the time to see what else is out there, he gave it to me so might as well take advantage!
Aphrodite,
I know the feeling well! I also tend to be very emotional when I drink a lot so probably not a great look on me! I hope your headache is feeling better. Nice to just take a day to yourself to relax! I hope you feel better soon. How have you been feeling about everything else this week? Did you send the emails?

[atea1234]

Dwarf,
Im really sorry you had to go through tjat. It sounds really heartbreaking. I don’t really understand why he would send you so many mixed signals or why he decided to end it If he felt that way. When did this happen? You must be devastated. As hard as it is, I would go Nc for now and give him complete space. Maybe a few months from now you can try to feel him out about starting over with a clean slate but for right now I definitely wouldn’t push him right now because he so

[atea1234]

Sounds kind of like an emotional mess. It’s going to be a long and hard road but I don’t think there are many other choices right now.

[dwarf]

@atea1234 how are you doing?

[atea1234]

@dwarf,
im kind of all over the place actually. I’m still thinking about my ex 24/7 and most mornings and nights i feel very lonely. i miss having him in my life to talk to and as a best friend. he was my favorite person to spend time with! but i will say it is starting to get a little easier. i was crushed to find out he started seeing someone last week. we spoke about it openly and honestly and he told me this was exactly the point of our break up that we both need to date other people to see and he was taking this time seriously to get to know other girls so he can start to see how our relationship compares to others. i have also been seeing someone recently. we’ve gone out 3 times now and have been texting a bunch and will go out again thursday. it is definitely helping to have the distraction of someone else to talk to/think about and now that i know my ex has someone i feel more of a push to do so, but i don’t think my situation has changed overall at all. time will tell if or when my ex will return but I’m actively trying to be with my friends and make myself happy. I’m also dead set on nc now that i know he’s seeing someone. it would be too painful to talk otherwise! so this is a good thing that its stopped me from contacting him so i can begin to move forward. i have two options: 1) be miserable and wait for my ex to maybe come around or 2)try to be happy and move on and evaluate if i want to be with him if the time comes. I’m trying for option 2! he told me he would call me on my birthday at the end of april and we can “touch base”, so we will see what happens. its still all very open ended and all up in the air.

how are you feeling after everything? do you have a plan of action?

[Aphrodite]

@Belle how was the facial?

My hangover was awful, I won’t be doing that again. It’s nice in the moment though, I don’t think about my ex when I’ve enough drinks and just think about the men I see around me. It’s an escape, but not a healthy one, so I’m done with that.

@atea1234
When I woke up this morning it took me an hour or so to get out of bed because that pain in my chest and stomach wouldn’t go away. It’s like that pretty much every morning and night. I feel as though everything is futile. Too much time has passed now, and it would be too hard for him to turn around on his decision now. Perhaps there was a time he would have been more flexible right after the break up, but I was too angry to talk to him then when he was wanting to talk to me. I will send the emails, but I know it won’t make a difference. I don’t think there is anything I can do. Most days I really do feel like I want to die, I just have to hang in there and hope it will change. I have never gotten over someone without finding a new love interest in the past, so I don’t know if it is possible for me to ever get over him unless I find someone I like better, which could take years and years. All feels lost.

how are you belle and atea? unimare?

[atea1234]

@aphrodite,
Im sorry. I know that pain all too well. I have it even more often now that I know my ex is seeing someone. I’ve never had to get over anyone before but everyone does say it’s really hard to completely let go until you meet someone else. I woke up with the same pain as you today – just longing to see my ex, talk to him, be with him. It’s so tough. Im actually just thankful I know he’s seeing someone otherwise im not sure I would have it in me to stick to Nc.

I actually don’t think time means anything for getting an ex back. I think actually the longer apart, the more likely to reconcile once emotions are not as raw and there is a chance to miss each other. Sure not everyone will reconcile but I hear so many stories of people who breakup for even a year and wind up back together. I do think it’s possible after any amount of time to I wouldn’t be discouraged by that.

Im doing ok – just trying to stay busy. Tonight going to hang with one of my girlfriends and have lots of wine and order in dinner and then tomorrow night I have a date with this new guy im seeing. He’s such a great guy and we get along really well and he has a lot of qualities im looking for so it would be silly to pass it up. Even though there’s nowhere near the connection I had with my ex, my ex doesn’t want to be with me now and there’s nothing I can do so I may as well give other people a chance and maybe I’ll be surprised. If my ex comes back, I’ll re examine when the time comes but honestly I think I’m many many months or years away from that. I think he’s confident in his decision and happy right now and I can’t predict how he’ll feel in the future so I need to keep moving forward regardless. I miss him so much and if there were anything I could do to be with him then I would but I can’t offer to “change” or woo him back by being friends because he walked away to date and explore other girls to “confirm his doubts” so I have to allow him the space to do so and if it’s meant to be then it will be. I don’t believe it should take years away though – after he’s met and gone out with a bunch of girls over the next few months I think he should have a read on other types of girls out there and if he’s ok losing me forever. We will see when we touch base end of April/early May. Not too far off! Im just focusing on sticking to Nc for the time being

[Belle]

Hi Aphrodite and atea,

The facial was great thanks, shame no man to show off my uber clean face too! 🙁

I’m just back from my therapist and she makes it all sound so easy to just kick back and not let things bother you and let nature take it’s course.
She did say I over analysis things… Nothing new there then! But atea I know you do the same and Aphrodite she says it’s a sign of an inquisitive mind and a mind that like to learn so it’s not a bad thing just bad in times like these.

As for putting a time scale on reconciliation, I don’t think you can. Everyone feels things differently and deals with things differently. What you might experience in a certain way another may see if differently. So Aphrodite, you believe that the time has run out for reconciliation but that’s just your view on it. As ateas is much longer time scale and thought process. We don’t know what our men are thinking… But I would never say never on reconciliation, just that I’m living proof that an ex can comes back despite all odds.

I had a dream last night, well was just as I woke up this morning, it didn’t involve my ex but a family who I didn’t know but they helped me get my things in my car and each and everyone of the family were so nice and loving towards me. It gave me a glow.
I woke and thought was a cool dream but soon after I got up I began to get sad as that lovely warm feeling of love I realised I didn’t have in my life.

Aphrodite, I know what you mean about finding a replacement. I too tend to jump from one to the other and as you know out of desperation to find love you might make a wrong judgement. The longing to be loved and wanted can be hugely overpowering. Try not make this mistake, you will find someone, you will be happy again as we all will be but don’t start panicking now about finding a replacement. We need to heal, have a rebound just don’t worry, let love find it’s way to you, it will come.

[atea1234]

@belle,
ive had many discussions with my therapist about this as well and she always tells me my obsession/over analyzing isn’t a bad thing because it shows i am passionate! it just sucks in situations like this when we truly have no control unfortunately. the good news is hopefully after enough time has passed i will find something else to obsess over! I’ve also asked my therapist a lot about the dangers of holding onto hope and she actually says its not a bad thing. she said i would be taking this break up 100 times worse if i convinced myself this was over forever. her advice to me is to stay in nc unless he breaks it and just do my best to stay busy and distracted without forcing myself to do anything.

about a time scale, i think certain break ups need more time before reconciling than others. when my ex and i first broke up i knew it would be a very long road. we are both still very young and last summer when we took a “break” that lasted two months it wasn’t nearly enough time for my ex to explore and get what he needed to from it, so i knew from night 1 that if he came back it would be after he really took enough time away to date others. its funny, even last week he said “who knows, i could find myself in a relationship with someone else and hate it and realize how amazing and unmatchable everything is with us”. in my situation, my ex really has set out to do this. I’m not sure if it will take him months or years being with someone else or if he will be able to tell after a few dates but i knew he would need the time to make these comparisons. belle, in your situation i also think more time is necessary because your ex is mad at you and needs time to get over the hurt. aphrodite, I’m not actually sure for the exact reason why your ex ended things but i think usually the longer the relationship, the longer it takes to get back to each other. my therapist told me she hears stories about people who break up when they’re young for a year or so, date others, and return to each other completely but she also knows couples who split up young and then both go on to have happy lives with others. its all so up in the air and it makes me crazy. my ex told me he could drive himself crazy thinking about all the different solutions so he tries not to think about the future, take things one day at a time, and just go with how he feels. i need to work on this! theres no sense in any of us saying “we will reconcile” or “we definitely will not” because honestly no one knows the answer to this right now – not even our exes!

i had a rebound that lasted about 6 weeks right after my relationship ended – i mean like two weeks later and i was NOT prepared. the guy was nice but no chemistry and i longed for my ex more and more after each date. this new guy I’m seeing i am much more interested in and I’m not sure if its because I’m mentally more prepared, my ex is seeing someone, or this guy is just more my type but it honestly is helping me. its nice to have someone text me and be interested and maybe having other experiences will be good for me as well. if i date others and realize i still want my ex then ill be sure but maybe while he’s taking his time away being so ambivalent about the future, ill meet someone who is more sure of what he wants. unfortunately for all of us time is the only thing that will tell any of us anything here! i do fear the more time that goes on my ex will think about me less and less but i think its kind of the opposite actually. we are the ones who got dumped so our exes initially must have felt relief, happiness, etc. i think once reality sets in it will definitely start to impact them more. all we can do is be patient and stick to nc. I’m on day 9 of this new round of nc now 🙂 not breaking it and keeping it indefinitely until my ex reaches out to me which i highly doubt will be for a long, long time.

[Belle]

Yes I can understand the logic about keeping hold of hope. It’s a comfort barrier I guess and if we remain in that mind set then after LOTS of time has passed we week by week ever so slowly adapt and get used to the situation where it becomes the absolute norm. So then we gradually drift away into different lives..I guess!
With D, I knew it was over and I knew he wouldn’t be back. Ok he’s back now but it’s way too late. I suffered so much with grief over him. I never once thought about NC or giving it time because I knew it was over. Our relationship was a bit rubbish anyway so really why would he suddenly want to come back?
With my ex now, we’ve had some excellent years, done so much together, travelled many places and generally have many many good memories. I feel I’ve a reason to have hope, ok he may think differently and know it’s over for good but I’m clinging on to our history and as you say eventually his anger may drop and he may come back. Anyway, I’ve reason to have hope, it might be in vain but I guess what other choice do i have?

It’s great you’ve found someone to pass the time with, it does make life easier!
I’m going off D big time! Hahaha. He talks about his work way too much! I’ve not seen him for a week and a bit and I think really you need to see someone at least once a week to create a relationship, not that I really want a relationship with him…. I just want my ex back 🙁

[atea1234]

@belle, that’s exactly what my therapist said! That naturally over time and Nc if my ex doesn’t return then this will just be the new norm and I will feel further and further away from it. She’s also said it’s unrealistic for my ex to think he could come back years from now and things will be ok – exactly what happened with you with D! There’s just a certain time frame for it all.

I also agree that exes are more likely to return if the relationship overall was a happy and healthy one which I think we both had. There is reason to have hope for the time being I think. Im just hoping over time if he doesn’t return then my feelings will fade. Wen we spoke last week he really messed with my head because he said “two more months may be enough time. I have no idea.” I think just expecting him to come back months and months down the road is a better mindset and if he comes back sooner I can be surprised. It’s not like im holding out hope for him to return to tomorrow so I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting for it to happen. I have hope he will return months from now so I know during the meantime I need to do what makes me happy and set short term goals which I think is helping with the moving on process overall.

I also do think strict Nc for a while will make him think about things. If I could do this whole breakup again, I would’ve been Nc from day 1 because I don’t think he will truly make a decison without it and I think it’s really hindered me moving on and dwelling as well. If I really hadn’t spoken to him in 4.5 months I would probably be im a whole different place right now. I remind myself this whenever I feel tempted to break it

[Aphrodite]

I’ve sent the first email and I’m so afraid! I’ve ranted away at him and asked him lots of direct questions. Feel a bit like my bones have turned to jelly. This could definitely backfire but I had to do this. I’m scared of the answers and have a feeling this will leave me very crushed, but I had to do this for Aphrodite. I do feel quite strong though for going ahead with it. I’ll enjoy that feeling while I can…

I asked hunk if he wanted to meet up this weekend, and he couldn’t. Having a hard time finding a time that suits us both and it’s killing the excitement a bit! But a few more days gives me time to whiten up my smile at least!

I’ve been trying to control things a bit too much recently, and I’ve got to let it go, and go with the flow. What will be will be.

A chat with you ladies would have been so nice!:)

[Belle]

Aphrodite, don’t be scared! Where is the break up warrior queen!?

The problem is that we over think everything! Oh my god. What is the worst that is going to happen?! You hear things you don’t like. We will live on, all of us.
As my therapist said today, relationships should flow, be no effort. Once they get out of sync it’s unbalanced and nobody listens to each other.
We need to take time out and stand back away from the situation and get to a point where it doesn’t bother us. We can be happy and open to new things to come our way, new people and old boyfriends. Only then will we be in a good place to make decisions.

Unfortunately all of us are emotional wrecks standing in the middle of a car crash all wide eyed not know what way to turn.

Take deep breaths and realise that this is not the be all and end all of our lives.

D came back didn’t he. Not that I want him back and each day that goes by he irritates me more and more. A classic sign that it’s not flowing how it should, because I’m not really emotionally involved it’s not bothering me. This is how we need to feel about our ex’s!!

You will be ok Aphrodite and well done for sending him the email.

You WILL be ok! I promise you that.

[atea1234]

@aphrodite, good for you!!!! so what if he says what you don’t want to hear? I’m glad you weren’t afraid and you asked him everything you wanted! you have the right to know of course! remember what you told me, don’t be ruled by fear. i also don’t think your ex’s response to this is the be all end all of this situation. my ex has told me everything in responses from “please move on” to “i promise you i will be with you one day just not today”. and every time i try to really analyze his responses i get more and more confused and the truth is he’s confused as well so he just responds by how he feels that day, so don’t put too much emphasis on how your ex responds. time will tell everything. i try to control everything a bit too much also and I’ve just been trying to take a step back and as my therapist says let things fall into place and unfold naturally the way they are supposed to.

@belle, your therapist is right! thats why i think the longer time that goes by, the more likely to reconcile. we need to reach a point that we are truly happy either way before this happens. as much as i would love it for my ex to come back tomorrow, i definitely have a lot of my own resentment built up so i think a reconciliation would be doomed to fail. I’m not ready and either is he. again, only time will tell! nc is easier now for me though which is good and i try to think of it as one day at a time so its not so overwhelming. has it been easier for you? i keep telling myself this is NOT the end of the world – that even if he never comes back and it takes me years, i will at some point be happy again! it just seems like a long road ahead of us unfortunately 🙁

[Belle]

Yes we need to over come resentment too! Goodness knows how long that will take!
Knowing my ex it’s hard to believe he could ever behave like this and cut me off totally. I go through times where I think because of this new behaviour that is so alien to me that actually could there be a chance that he will never be back, I mean just to see how my son is! I guess this behaviour has freaked me out and I often think maybe he’s the type just to cut me off 100% to move on and never to return. I would have never though him to be this type of person, I never would have guessed he could have had it in him to do what he’s doing now, therefore I’ve no idea what the future holds.
When he came round that Monday morning, it was like nothing had happened except of course there was on physical contact, we said goodbye and I was really hopeful because the goodbye was like any other when I’m off to take my son to the bus.
It’s like he has this personality when he’s with me then the other evil personality when he’s away from me where he’s free to treat me like dirt.

I will never understand men!

[Author]

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